Chapter 43 -- Mature Love
*****
I'm not really sure how to start this...
She lost the baby.
Not Solona. No, she was still happy and pregnant, looking forward to the imminent arrival of our child.
No, I'm talking about Anora. We never told anyone she was with child. We'd waited for so long, and then she found out she carried our child. But the Maker and the gods were cruel. Within a month of finding out, she... we...
We were devastated. Anora was almost inconsolable. She felt like a failure. I felt empty. I wanted nothing more than to have a family with her, for Anora to hold our child in her arms. But the gods were cruel, and... I hated them for it. I vowed to make war on the Maker. I told the Nine that they could go fuck themselves. But I worried about Anora most of all. She was a shell of herself...
The expedition into the Deep Roads was fast approaching, but I dared not think about it after that. My only concern was Anora. Everyone else eventually found out. I swallowed down all my feelings, trying to come across as my usual self. It was a lie, of course. Anora... She had always worn her heart on her sleeve, despite what she thought. I think the outpouring of sympathy probably made it worse, despite the best of intentions. I lost count of how many times she cried herself to sleep as I lay beside her. I would never tell her that I would shed a few tears once she fell asleep, holding her in my arms, whispering apologies for causing her so much pain. I'd never felt pain like it before.
What made things worse was that Solona was now quite far along and blissfully happy. She tried not to show it around Anora but it was difficult considering we all lived together. Anora would never make it an issue. She was happy for Solona, and also for me, but no matter what she did or said, the fact was... Sitting back in the Hanged Man, I could only sigh as I thought about it all.
"How is she?" Varric asked, taking a seat, placing a tankard in front of me.
"As you'd expect," I replied.
"And you?"
I met his eyes and sighed. "I really don't know, Varric. I really don't know."
"You still keen for the Deep Roads?" I nodded. "Bartrand thinks we should be ready to leave within the week. We nearly have all the coin we require; we have the supplies. We know who is going out of our group. Anders should have the map we require soon enough. Once we have all that, we'll go."
"Good... Good..."
"Are you sure you should leave?"
"Anora loves me. Can't sleep without me. But I know, in some way, she also blames me for it. I think space might be best. Could be completely wrong, but... I don't know what to do, Varric. I'm out of my depth here."
"Ragnar, I don't claim to know women. But the one bit of advice I can give is this. Be with her until we leave. She needs to know you love her."
"She knows."
"And she does. No-one doubts how much you do. But that will need reinforcement day after day. Trust me on this, until I give the green light that we're going, just be with her. Show her all the love I know you have for her."
I drained my tankard and stood up, resting a hand on his shoulder. "Thank you," I said quietly.
He looked up and smiled. "Give her my love too, Ragnar. Anora is a good woman and... She deserved the happiness it would have brought her. I'll tell the others you said hello. You should just concentrate on Anora for now."
"Thanks, Varric. You're a good friend."
I headed back to the embassy. It had just gone dark but there was no life when I approached it. No lights were on. Everything appeared still. I entered quietly, one of our servants creeping towards me from the kitchen at the rear, asking if I needed anything. I simply asked after Anora. She'd done a little work but had disappeared upstairs a few hours before.
Quietly entering our bedroom, Anora was cocooned in the blankets, facing away from me. I undressed, keeping on my underwear, before sliding under the covers. To my relief, she shuffled back and spooned against me, kissing her cheek as I gave her a gentle squeeze.
"I love you, Ragnar," she whispered. I can't even tell you the relief I felt every time she said that. I simply told her I felt the same way about her. Then she added something that surprised me. "I want to try again."
I squeezed her gently again. "Are you sure?" She nodded as she turned around to face me, her eyes glistening. "Okay," I said, leaning forward to lay a gentle kiss on her lips.
We hadn't made love since that morning we'd woken up and realised what happened. Anora and I had done a lot of research since, and learned quite a bit. I could only guess she was eager to try again because that night was the perfect time to try. All she did was roll onto her back and I got into position, kissing her gently as I removed my underwear, not particularly surprised that she wasn't wearing anywhere.
There was an air of desperation to the love making that took place. Anora wrapped her legs around me, dug her fingers into my back, and refused to let go of me. I simply buried myself inside her and fucked her constantly until I simply couldn't continue. We didn't joke that night about it. We simply shared words of love and affection until I had to pull out, falling onto my back, Anora cuddling into my side.
"It will work this time," she whispered, her words as adamant as any I'd heard her say.
"I can stay. I don't have to go."
"No, Ragnar. You and your friends have spent months working towards this. You should go."
"Are you sure? I really don't have to."
She spun around, cuddling into me, her head resting on my chest just under my chin. "I'm sure, Ragnar. You just get in the way if you hang around here anyway."
That made me chuckle, feeling her do the same. It was the first time I heard or felt her laugh since the bad news. We made out again, but didn't feel the need to make love, instead acting like a pair of teenagers, simply spending a lot of time kissing and cuddling. It was nice, reconnecting after the toughest part of our relationship so far. I honestly thought... Well, it doesn't matter now.
For the first time since the news, she had a smile on her face the next morning. Standing naked in front of the mirror, I stood behind her as she leaned her head back, running my hands down her body before resting one on her stomach. "The Maker will be kind," she whispered.
"I love you, my queen."
The expedition ended up being delayed due to one or two financial problems, setting us back a few months. Varric was left rather annoyed by it all, but I didn't mind. It meant I was still around to see Solona give birth. I'd never been present at a birthing before, and I insisted that I at least be near. Two Chantry Sisters helped Solona give birth, mages also on hand in case something went wrong.
But despite a few hours of labour, Solona came through it fine and she gave birth to our baby boy. Watching her hold him in her arms, she was a changed woman immediately, looking at me, unable to stop the tears. Sitting down next to her, I kissed her head as I looked down at my son. "We'll have to think of a name," she whispered.
"I've been thinking about that. There is a man I wish to honour, if you like the name."
"Who?"
"I've told you about my old mentor back in Skyrim, the man who led the Companions before me? I believe he would be honoured if I named my first son after him."
"Okay. I don't mind the name, Ragnar. All I know is that my life is now about keeping this little bundle of joy alive."
My son would be named Kodlak Ragnar Dragonborn. Not a bad name, I thought.
But it wasn't just the birth of my son that was good news. Anora was pregnant again, and with a slight smile, she thought we conceived that very first night we made love after what happened. By the time she told me, she was at least three months along. I couldn't be quite sure of the timings. Once again, we didn't tell anyone. We wouldn't until she was far enough along that we could be confident...
Life did change at the embassy, it had to. We now had a baby to take care of. Watching Solona nurse filled my heart with joy, and she adapted so easily to being a mother, it was actually a slight surprise. Any thought of being further involved in my adventures ended the instant our child was placed into her arms the first time. She doted on our baby and, when not focused on him, helped Anora at the embassy. Brosca surprised me by being a real help, and I knew she was starting to think whenever she held him in her arms. I doted on my son when I could but, to be honest, it was a baby. Ensuring he survived until he could walk and talk took priority.
I didn't want to leave Anora after we discovered she was pregnant again, nor did I want to leave Solona alone with our child, offering more than once that I could easily pull out of the expedition. But both knew I'd been working had to prepare for it, and near enough insisted that I go. "Solona, Brosca and Eliza are here, Ragnar," Anora stated, Solona nodding along, "And our servants are more than willing to help out along the way. And I know you will regret not going."
Varric finally gave me the departure date I'd longed for, a week from the day he told me. He suggested I tie up any loose ends and perhaps buy one or two things I might overlook prior to departure. I let my girls know the date, making sure I spent plenty of time with my son before I did leave.
It was around three days before departure when I received a letter. Reading over the contents, I did wonder why she didn't just come to the embassy. It sounded urgent, so I put on my coat and headed towards Lowtown. Knocking on the door, I was greeted by Leandra in a robe, which didn't really register at the time. She smiled upon seeing me, grabbing my hand and dragging me inside, closing the door behind her. "Glad you could come so quickly, Dragonborn."
"Your letter sounded urgent. What's wrong?"
She undid the tie of her robes, watching it fall to the floor, revealing she was naked underneath. "I still remember that night, Ragnar," she said quietly, walking towards me, "I need to be fucked again by you. I want you to take my arse right now."
