Usual Disclaimers apply. This story is a work of complete fiction, with some true facts thrown in just for spice. Kirsten Dunst, to the best of my knowledge has indulged in none of the events written about here. You have to be over 18 to read this story. If you're not, then I'll find out and chase you down one-by one until you've all been forced to sit through Freddy Got Fingered twice.
Seriously, I owe a lot of thanks to two people for finally getting this story done. First up is Rich Wilson for lending his time and encouragement when reading this story for me. Second is my lovely flatmate, who suggested two ideas that got me writing again when I had all but given up.
Feedback of any kind, good or bad, will possibly push me to repeat this experience with the next chapter, so please don't hesitate to drop me a line at the link below.
Chapter 1
I want to talk to you about my friend Rob Llewellyn. He's the luckiest SOB that I know, but he's such a good guy that I just about manage to resist the constant temptation I have to bludgeon him to death and steal his life in a very Mr Ripley-like way. My name's Rhys Williams, not that you'll have much need to remember it. I'm here purely to talk to you about the enviable life of Rob Llewellyn, the man you know as one of the most popular actors of our generation, but who I know is far more talented at chasing skirts than Oscars. If it wasn't for the fact that a lot of the great stuff (and great sex) that has happened to me was as a result of knowing Rob, I really would hate the guy. Instead, I love him. He's my best friend in the world and I'd never do anything to hurt him.
I wanted to get that point out of the way early, because once you get into this story you probably won't believe me. I said I'd never do anything to hurt him, but I don't think this book will hurt him and I think most of us would change our minds when offered a $10 million advance to write a harmless little expose. Anyway, I think that's enough exposition, I'm sure you all want to hear the secrets behind the screen star. From now on, I'll be like a silent witness to the events in Rob's life, easy for me as I either was there, have seen the secret video or have had Rob describe the scene vividly over a few beers.
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All Rob's life, he wanted to become a renowned actor and was convinced it would happen for him. That's pretty much the most important fact to impart about him, it was his driving ambition and at times it made him quite ruthless. Unusual for him, because in all other matters, he was so laid-back, he was almost horizontal. He's always been a great guy and a good laugh to be around, making him popular with just about everybody. You all know those handsome features well- enough by now. Six foot one tall, short brown hair, deep blue eyes and manly jaw. Not to mention that well-built body. Couple these looks with his genuine love of anything to do with acting and his very real talent as a thespian and you're looking at a bona fide Hollywood star in the making right? Well, there were a few little obstacles in Rob's way.
First of all was his place of birth. Rob and I were not attending Beverly Hills High or anything like that; we attended a rather run-of-the-mill school in rural South Wales, not an area renowned for Hollywood talent spotters. This did nothing to hamper Rob's enthusiasm however as a path had already been blazed for him by actors of the quality of Richard Burton, Anthony Hopkins and, erm, Catherine Zeta Jones. With this kind of pedigree, it seems that our little area of the world can produce great actors and helped Rob believe that he could one day make his own mark in Hollywood.
The only other serious obstacles in Rob's path were his parents and the lack of opportunities to act in his life. He overcame the latter problem by acting in every school play available, always trying to get the lead. He also went to as many auditions as his parents would take him to, including one to become the Milky Bar kid (He always swears blind he was the runner-up only because this other kid already wore the glasses required for the role. "Talentless hack, he'll never amount to anything!" Rob's fond of saying when he's deep in his cups. Amazing how your childhood experiences stay with you no matter what you do in life). There were always more auditions than he could attend, mostly because his parents weren't happy wasting their weekends doing 7 hour round trips to London. They both had good, solid office jobs and didn't want their son throwing his life away trying to become an actor while working in bars and restaurants to pay the bills.
Rob was all set to leave school at 16 but was convinced to continue with his education when he realised that going through higher education would give him five years of financial support from his parents, the opportunity to move to London and plenty of spare time to act. Needless to say his final degree, which he earned at an anonymous London- based University, wasn't quite of the highest standard. Not that I can talk, my three years there are a haze of beer, birds and bongs. In case you're wondering, I wasn't following Rob round like a lost puppy, I was following him everywhere because he was my best mate and I wanted to meet celebrities. Anyway, that's enough of my life history for now; I want to get to the part of this story where exciting things happen. Basically, I want to start telling you all about the hot sex with Hollywood nymphets that you bought this book to learn about.
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Rob was now 24, two years removed from graduation and still living in London. His acting career was busy, if not exactly full of quality. Rob acted mainly in obscure London plays that attracted friends of the cast members and about 20 real paying audience members, and made some one-line appearances in terrible TV shows (most of them will make a young Russell Crowe's appearance in the soap Neighbours seem Oscar quality).
Rob had signed on with a company that was not so much of a talent agency as a talent farm. Whenever they got a call for a role, they matched people up with the role based on whether they were for the right gender for the character, not if they had the required skills. This method of throwing as many actors at a role as possible seemed to pay off occasionally and some people made it big through this method. Rob endured many auditions this way and finally was one of the lucky few who hit pay-dirt.
Most of these casting calls were for TV shows, but with the increasing amount of feature films being made in the UK, Rob was occasionally sent to big-budget Hollywood productions and the competition between the wannabe-actors reached biting each others' legs off levels. This was one of those occasions; a well-funded romantic comedy set at the famous Wimbledon tennis tournament called, imaginatively enough, Wimbledon. It had the added benefit of starring the object of many of Rob's fantasies, Kirsten Dunst.
It was an interesting sounding film, Rob thought it possible that that it could become a break-out hit in the vein of Four Weddings or 10 Things I Hate About You and so was even more desperate than usual to get a part. They were casting for various male roles, mainly background scenery or male tennis players with only a handful of lines. Rob had some small hope of winning the role of a snobbish, vain player who took a liking to Kirsten's character, a talented female tennis player. It was a showy little role that might just catch a few peoples' eyes if played with the right note.
Rob waited in an obligatory featureless corridor along with hundreds of other hopefuls until his name was finally called. "Rob Llewellyn?" called the PA, looking around with a distinctly bored expression on his face. Rob stepped forward and he was ushered into a large conference room with two men and a woman sitting at a table. He was handed a script by the PA and told that he would be reading the part of the snobbish tennis player he so wanted to portray. Rob couldn't have asked for a better stroke of luck, believing his constant rehearsals over the last few days had led to him nailing this character.
Rob adopted the arrogant strut and sneer that he had honed in the mirror over the past week and began speaking the lines in a foppish voice that he thought was perfect for the role.
"I see you'll be partnering Manuel Chavas in the mixed doubles, Ms. Sullivan, I do believe you would have had more success accepting my generous offer to join."
"Oh my God! It's the man in the pink stockings!" This half- shout/half-scream echoed across the room as the woman at the table rose to her feet.
I should probably choose this moment to share some things with you, my dear readers. I assure you that your beloved Rob Llewellyn is no transvestite and while he find nothing wrong with those who enjoy wearing women's clothing, he personally prefer to be taking a woman out of them. Why is this apparently sane woman shouting such a thing then? Well it has to do with an obscure play Rob's been starring in that was written, produced and directed by friends of ours, the Rutledge brothers. If it was on in New York, it would be as Off-Off Broadway as you can imagine. A modern, nihilistic reworking of Robert Louis Stevenson's Treasure Island. With a transvestite Jim Horner in garters and pink stockings. Not as bad as it sounds I assure you. No, I take that back, it is as bad as it sounds.
Once the screaming lady, who turned out to be Beth Staunton; the lady in charge of casting for these parts, explained the situation to the others, Rob was allowed to carry on his audition. However, he was now uncomfortably aware of Beth's eyes all over him, paying particular attention to the crotch and butt areas of his trousers. Rob finished his audition well enough and was told that he'd be contacted soon. Despite Rob's honest desire to win roles on merit, he did harbour a guilty hope that Beth's obvious attraction towards him would help improve his chances. If he got called back for a second audition, he decided that he would turn on the charm. Beth was a little plain, not the sort of woman Rob usually went for, but he really needed this break. He went to sleep that night full of hopes of landing his first film role.
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The news Rob received the next day was better than he expected. Beth's assistant called and asked that he turn up at four promptly for a second audition. This was obviously the kind of news that put Rob in a pretty good mood and he decided to wear his tightest pair of trousers in an attempt to boost his chances further. He slapped on his best after- shave and planned the best way to get the role. He assumed by her looks that Beth was hardly going to be used to lots of attention from guys, so he decided that he'd come on strong and get the role, then back off later, fulfilling none of the hinted-at promises. Yes he was being an asshole, but he was young and he was desperate for this break.
