Spider Cat Redhead Ch 09

"You had a baby!" Peter said, staring at the child. Then he looked down to Felicia's pregnant belly, distending her shirt even more than her swollen breasts. "You have a baby! You're having a baby!"

"Not at the moment."

"Is he mine? She mine? Either of those mine?"

"He's mine," Jessica Drew said, stepping out of the bathroom. She took the baby from Felicia, who wiped her hands off once she'd released him. "Peter, you're back...?"

"But is he mine? You know?" Peter tilted his head to the side. "Mine?"

"Which one?"

"Either!"

"Peter, you've been gone eight months," Felicia explained patiently. "Do you really think you could impregnate me so hard that I'd give birth to a child and still be pregnant?"

"Well, if anyone could do it—" Mary Jane was still crying, tears of happiness, but Peter didn't think that made much difference. It was a purge of emotions and, still somewhat cradling her, he took her toward the couch to sit down.

The place had lost that 'just moved in' feel, all the boxes lying around like homeless people, Will Give You Stuff for The Time It Takes To Unpack. They were gone. And Felicia and MJ had redecorated, bringing Felicia's space in line slightly with the more homey, cozy aesthetic Peter and Mary Jane had once lived in.

He sat down, pulling Mary Jane into his lap, and she buried her face in his chest and just cried.

"Give the hormones five minutes and I'll be doing that too," Felicia said. "Just, you know, show me a puppy or something..."

"So okay, wait, Jess is pregnant?" Peter asked, still heartily confused.

"Was pregnant."

"Who's the father?"

Carol burst through the door then. "Parker!"

"No, I was—I mean, I could've, but I didn't—I mean, not here—"

Carol came in for a landing beside him, punching him in the shoulder hard enough to slide him a cushion down the couch. This seemed to provoke a fresh volley of tears from Mary Jane. She seemed to be laughing now as well. Hysterics, Peter expected. Well, he wasn't feeling too calm himself.

"You're back!" Carol cried. "All the Avengers are thrilled—they're helping with the clean-up, but you're back! You're here!" She quirked an eyebrow. "It is you, isn't it?"

"Yes!"

"Not from the future?"

"No."

"Not a clone?"

"Nope."

"Not Doctor Octopus?"

"Now you're just being gross."

"Just have to be sure—" And Carol drew a notecard from her costume. "Tony told me to read you this. Separates the good nerds from the evil nerds. If you can listen to it without correcting me once, we're cool. Ready?"

"Wait, Jess was pregnant and that's her baby and... she got pregnant?"

"Yeah, people want to have sex with me," Jess snarked. "Go figure."

"But who's the... you know... helpmate?"

"You can say baby daddy, you're not that white."

"She won't tell us," Felicia explained. "But I think it's Carol."

"Carol!"

Carol ignored them—funny how quickly she picked up her relationship with Peter, right where it had left off—and read. "The Two Towers begins with the Halflings Merry and Pippin escaping from a band of Trolls who have captured them."

Peter winced slightly. "Actually it's—right, no, keep going, how could you be Jess's baby daddy?"

"I take it back," Jess said, "he is that white."

Mary Jane emerged from the little hidey-hole she'd made of Peter's sternum and, pointing her red eyes and running mascara at Felicia, frantically gestured her closer. Felicia rolled her eyes and stepped forward. "She's going to make me cry with all this neediness, but it is just sympathy pains. I'm still a bad bitch."

"They meet up with the Treebeards," Carol continued, "a race of sentient, walking trees..."

Peter pinched his lips together. "Is this testing whether I'm a particularly pedantic supervillain or whether I've actually read The Lord of the Rings?"

The baby went 'goo' and also 'gaa.' "Hold on a second," Jess said, and pulled down one side of her shirt to expose a breast—

"Gah!" Peter said.

"Oh, calm down, your life partner over there based her costume on what would happen if a teenage boy read nothing but Maxim for a year." Jessica brought her nipple to the baby's mouth, letting him suckle, and Peter was uncomfortably reminded of the last time he'd seen Jess—well, a Jess.

Her head still rammed into Peter's pecs, Mary Jane raised a finger shakily. "I dress slutty too."

"There," Carol went on, "in the Old Forest..."

"That's actually by Buckland, near the Shire," Peter whispered to Mary Jane. She stared up at him. The mascara she'd left on the front of his costume did not diminish the war paint that still remained. "Just thought it needed to be said."

Not crying, but her back shuffling up and down with little sobs, Mary Jane vined herself around Peter again. And Felicia sniffled.

"It's just her," Felicia protested, eyes growing misty as she snuggled up to Peter, gently petting his arm. "It's like a yawn, they're contagious. This is why I watch sad movies alone!"

"Can I finish?" Carol asked. "In the Old Forest, they debate whether to move against the wizard Sauron."

"Saruman!" Peter shot out. "Sorry, don't count that, I was distracted by why Carol is going to have to show up on Maury Povich."

Felicia wiped her eyes. "Well, c'mon, these women can shoot energy blasts, pick up cars, fly—why can't they get each other pregnant? And Carol is full of Kree DNA."

"I'm standing right here."

"Not a criticism, it makes you look great. I can barely tell how old you are."

"How old do you think I am?"

"Carol did not impregnate me!" Jess insisted.

"Well, she's the only one I see you with," Felicia countered. "What, do you have a secret lover? Please tell me you have a secret lover."

"Like she can keep a secret," Carol scoffed. "Or a man, sorry, that was mean..."

"I was a spy!" Jessica insisted. "And no hard feelings, that was just lying there, I couldn't expect you not to think it."

"Thanks babe."

Felicia grabbed Peter's skull and forced him to watch. "The chemistry!"

"And you're pregnant," Peter said. Oh, this was what being in shock felt like. It'd been a while. Since that time Norman Osborn took over SHIELD despite everyone knowing he had murdered multiple people.

Thanks Obama.

"And that was a good call on not making a fat joke," Felicia said. "You have no idea how much I miss black leather. Well, not so much since Mary Jane—that's not a conversation for mixed company."

"Thank you," Jess said.

"You have your boob right out of your shirt," Peter pointed out.

"It's a nipple, Peter, it's not going to kill you. It's about the only thing that hasn't tried to kill you."

Peter paused, mentally counting. "Typeface, the Squid... yeah, that's true."

Carol cleared her throat. "Meanwhile, Samwise and Bilbo—"

"FRODO!" Peter insisted loudly. "Samwise and Frodo! Who came up with this?"

"Banner. Says it comes in handy to read it when he needs to turn green." Carol put the card away. "And don't worry, the test was that you couldn't pass it. If you could, then you definitely would've been a Skrull."

Peter wiped some sweat from his brow. "Wait... am I a father?"

Felicia and Mary Jane both nodded against his chest.

The baby finished his meal. Jess hoisted him onto her shoulder and ended the peepshow. "Just not this one's father. Trust me... I would've remembered the line."

"Should I, ummm..." No, this is what being in shock feels like, some little voice said in Peter's head, tingling like spider-sense. "Should I... should I go pick up some diapers?"

"Just stay here and let us hold you," Mary Jane said.

"It was like an afternoon. I was just gone an afternoon. They said time moved differently, but—we're having a baby?"

"I think we should leave," Carol said.

"Can I get a ride?" Jess asked. "I shared a cab on the way over."

"Yeah, no need to ask."

They left. Mary Jane tightened her grip on Peter's arm. Felicia laid her head down on his leg, with his other hand pulled down to be nestled by her fingers. Peter resigned himself to staying there for a while. He couldn't be happier about it.

"Maybe Jess got knocked up in a threesome with Carol," Mary Jane suggested, her voice a little hoarse. "Who's Carol dating?"

"Sam Wilson?" Felicia asked.

"I thought it was War Machine."

"Wait," Peter said, "Carol and Wonder Man broke up?"

***

"Peter?" Felicia said softly.

"Yeah?" Peter replied, equally softly. He thought Mary Jane had fallen asleep.

"I know I'm a heartless bitch and all, but I really am glad you're back."

"I know you are."

"A lot of that is for Mary Jane, because she missed you like a little bitch."

"I expect so."

"But I really am happy I don't have to do this without you."

Peter put his hand on the back of his neck, rubbed his thumb against the uppermost nodule on her spine. Felicia purred.

"And, you know, if I weren't feeling about as sexy as the Hindenburg at the moment, I'd be sucking your soul out through your dick."

"Whenever you're ready," Peter replied, nonplussed.

"And I am all for the hugging and cuddling and making eye contact, all that shit, but right now? It's been fifteen minutes since the last time I peed, so I need to pee."

"Oh. Okay."

"Could you help me up? The Earth's gravity increased twofold since you left."

"What, really?" Peter asked, using one arm to help Felicia to her feet.

"No. Not really. I'm just so fucking pregnant." Felicia waddled to the bathroom. "And I can't even hate you for never having to experience this, because you got pregnant once! And gave birth to yourself!"

"I don't remember that at all," Peter said innocently.

She shut the door behind her.

Mary Jane stirred.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Got you all to myself?"

"Looks that way."

"Okay. I want the advanced cuddling. None of that beginners' course stuff."

Peter went along with Mary Jane as she stretched out on the couch, pulling him down on top of her, vining her legs with his and wrapping her arms across his back. Eight months hadn't done anything to Mary Jane except make her more beautiful. Her green eyes stared into his hazel ones, still sweet and innocent after all these years.

She couldn't help herself. She kissed him, and for a moment he was surprised, then he returned the kiss, passionately, lovingly. Their lips parted and Peter's tongue darted skillfully into MJ's mouth, twining with hers, before they broke the kiss, Peter gently trapping Mary Jane's lower lip between his teeth, pulling at it slightly before releasing it, swollen and aching, to kiss her fully once more.

Then, like a switch had been thrown, it was over. Mary Jane was overwhelmed with emotion once more, tightening her arms around him, burying her face in his shoulder to avoid letting him see her eyes. Peter gently rubbed her back, ignoring the pressure her toned arms put on him, enough force to maybe crack the rib of a normal man.

"So how's it been? Honestly?" he asked her, hoping the sound of his voice would make it all a bit more... palatable.

"It's been good. Really. Ana was surprisingly helpful, even if she mostly knows pregnancy from animal husbandry—she left a few weeks back to go on some hunt with X-Force, be back soon. Yeah... I remember when I was pregnant, my friends—well, I guess none of them liked the thought of me being 'officially' a housewife. Not that I exactly belonged at a rave, but I didn't have anyone to... anyway, it feels good to be that person for Felicia. She has a lot of friends, I mean, but I'm sort of... I don't know. Her bestie. And we have sex, obviously."

"Obviously."

"And I'm sorta in love with her. I mean, she really is amazing, Peter. Not just as some orgasm buddy who helps keep you safe when you're spidering, but she's actually kinda lovely. I don't know if I could've held it together without her."

"Game recognizes game. Am I too white to say that?"

"Definitely. But also I am just about out of caring."

"Out of...?"

"Honestly, there is a reason women can't get each other pregnant, Kree notwithstanding. I have to exercise and yoga and do my own stunts—"

"You've been doing stunts?"

"Not hard stunts, just stuff. Tom Cruise, Jackie Chan, they're here—" MJ held her hand flat, as high as it would go. "And I'm down here." She put her other hand out flat a foot below. "But I'm doing all this stuff, and she's just 'running her detective agency,' which she does on Skype, she's not Kojak or anything, some days she doesn't even wear pants..."

"Go on," Peter said seriously.

"I get it, she's making a person, been there, done that, but I get home from having a job and it's 'oh, Red, look how big my ankles are'. Yeah, aren't you used to it by now? Haven't you been to a Wal-Mart? It happens. I love her and everything, I want to give her all this attention she needs, but it has been eight months. And now you're here, you're fresh, you'll full of spunk—"

"Phrasing."

"She's going to be an attention whore, so you be her attention john. I'll be the attention pimp. I'm just setting up the transaction. I'm the middleman."

"Yeah, got it. Lavish Felicia with attention. It's a hard job, but someone's got to do it—"

"And me," Mary Jane reminded him. "I can still go reverse cowgirl, so you should pay a lot of attention to me. Know which side your bread is buttered on and all."

"I can barely tell you've been Felicia's roommate for eight months."

Playfully, Mary Jane gave Peter's a face a long lick from chin to hairline, then nuzzled her forehead against his. "We always knew you'd come back. You've been dead and you came back."

"Once I was only mostly dead. Are you counting that time?"

"We actually saved you some work to do. We knew you'd want to help out and... probably make it up to us for being gone so long."

"Yes," Peter said. "Absolutely. However much pampering you need, I'm your man."

"Good. Because we haven't done the nursery. Like at all. We wanted to share that with you."

"She did," Felicia said, trudging back to the couch. "I'm just lazy."

She sat down on Peter's legs, which he lifted up and braced against the armrest to keep Mary Jane's stems from being squashed.

"This is actually comfortable," Felicia said. "Peter, can you get me some ice cream next time you're up? Just... whenever the next supervillain attacks the city, go to the fridge, bring some Rocky Road to the couch, then save the world."

"I don't like this situation. Too far away to cuddle. Peter, did you know Felicia's a total cuddler? Tries to hide it, but it came out."

"Is that why you were always on me to get under my mask?" Peter asked. "Cuz once you see my face, then we can sleep together, then we can cuddle all you want... geez, that's diabolical."

"I just wanted to sit on your face. Loads easier with the mask out of the way. And wouldn't be an issue if you got a nice domino mask, Mr. Body Condom."

MJ couldn't stop herself. She kissed and nipped along the line of Peter's jaw to the hollow under his ear, where her tongue shot into the tiny channel. She felt Peter stiffen and groan with desire, and laughed as she playfully rubbed his chest.

"Sorry! It turns me on, seeing you and kitty bantering again."

"If you're going to bang, I wanna watch," Felicia said. "For some reason, a pregnant voyeur really puts guys off. You two are my last hope."

"I want to get some pampering done first. I'm so broody, I could be on the bridge right now. And you guys are right, I can't do that when I have a life to live—a family to be part of—so let's go, fuck the past, let's ace this nursery!"

"Energy!" Mary Jane cheered, kissing his chin. "I have a game plan just waiting for you to go down the checklist."

"Knew you would, babe. Felicia, c'mon, we're doing this as the world's second best threesome."

"I still don't see how they can count as the best when Neve Campbell wouldn't even show her tits," Felicia groused. "And I don't wanna move, I already came all the way from the bathroom to here."

Peter picked her up. "I can carry eleven tons. So unless you're pulling a Nineteen Kids And Counting..."

Felicia wrapped her arms around Peter's neck. "So good to have you back, Spider. Mary Jane can't lift me at all."

"That says more about you than me," Mary Jane insisted.

***

Ten minutes later, they were all lying on the bed of the guest room that would become the nursery, Peter in the middle, the laptop on his stomach. Mary Jane laid on his left, on her side, spooning him, while Felicia laid on her back, his right, his arm curled around her. His left hand worked the laptop, going over the options MJ had added to their wishlist.

"Okay, so, color scheme. Blue or pink?"

"I know it's regressive, but I don't want to do pink if it's a boy. It's just trying too hard. Makes me think we're in the seventies."

"No paint, let's spring for wallpaper," Felicia said.

Peter checked the options.

"Robots?" Mary Jane asked.

"Robots try to kill me."

"Dinosaurs?"

"Dinosaurs also try to kill me."

"Anything here you're not traumatized by?"

"Redheads?"

"Guys," Felicia interrupted. "Cats? My theme? For God's sake, I was probably impregnated while wearing a catsuit, can we have some adorable little kittens playing with yarn on the walls?"

"By that logic, shouldn't spiders be at least—"

"No."

"No."

Peter nodded solemnly. "Okay. Baby monitor?"

"I already picked one out," Mary Jane said.

"Honey, that's the company that makes Spider Slayers."

"Well, the Spider Slayers have good craftsmanship, don't they?"

***

"Okay, so what all have we got?"

Peter read briskly: "Diapers, wipes, ointment, burp cloths, receiving blankets, outfit, backup outfit, rattle, teddy bear, mobile, diaper disposal system, crib, crib mattress, waterproof mattress pad, sheets, crib skirt, bumper pad, sleep sack, changing table, diaper pail, nursing pillow, CD player, nature sounds CD, toy chest, wall shelves, wallpaper, wall paint, window treatments, clothes hamper, night light, lamp light, humidifier... you know, I put together my Spider-Man costume for less than this. Webbing and all. I've saved the world on a smaller budget."

"The people of New York have slightly more survival instinct than a baby, Peter."

"I've seen them throw bricks at the Hulk."

"I said slightly."

"And put it all on Tony's card," Felicia said. "He offered to pay for everything."

"Do we have to give him the baby's middle name?"

"No, I just showed him my boobs. Ten second look."

Peter turned to Mary Jane. "See, this is why she's never broke. Good accounting."

"As long as Tony's paying, same-day delivery. And gift-wrap them too, I love opening presents."

Peter checked out with the credit card information Tony had, very trustingly for a man dealing with the Black Cat, left on the laptop.

His heartbeat was finally lowering, the panic of having been gone for so long, and during such a critical period, giving way to the normalcy of life with Felicia and Mary Jane. He could pick up where he'd left off. He could catch up to this life they'd all been building together.

"Peter," Felicia said, "he kicked."

Peter reached down to Felicia's belly and felt his son.

Or daughter. Didn't matter which.

***

"A spa?" Peter asked the next day.

"We've been getting ready for this baby for eight months—kept the home fires burning, fended off every well-wisher who wanted to be a godparent—I think Wolverine already had his sights set on a new Kitty Pryde." Mary Jane made a 'blech' face.

"Point is," Felicia said, "we're so sick of this apartment we could scream. Whip it all into shape. Baby-proof the whole shebang. Do some vacuuming. We'll be back by tonight."

"I just got back, though."

"Yes," Felicia said. "And I kinda want to die. Not like from being murdered, just—"

"The Skrulls blow up the city," Mary Jane suggested.