Sgt. Joe Friday Gets Lucy

"Ladies and gentlemen: the characters you are about to read are all over 18. Their names have been changed to protect the fictional.

"Dunn, Da, Dunn, Dunn... Dunn, Da, Dunn, Duhhhhh," intoned the announcer.

***

"This is the city, Los Angeles California. Like other great cities it is home to all kinds of restaurants. Where you can get most any kind of cuisine, Mexican, French, German, Korean, Italian, Japanese, Brazilian, Burmese, Thai... But there is one cuisine that is not sold in any restaurant, it is served delicious and hot from a beautiful woman's delicate cracks and crevices.

"That is why I was walking past those other fine dining establishments to eat breakfast at Moe's, 682 Sixty-Seventh street. Miss Astrid Damphouse, pronounced DAM-flooo, works there.

"It was Tuesday, April twenty-second. I was off duty, and had just emerged from my home, 765 Maple Court, Inglewood. Mrs. Evelyn Johnson, my neighbor, was walking her dog, a brown and white Pekingese. My name is Friday, Detective Sergeant Joe Friday. I'm a cop. Two weeks ago I had received a telephone number on the inside of a matchbook. I was going to see the owner of that number. It was not the first time.

***

"I discovered Moe's when working Robbery Division. My partner was Frank Smith.

"Moe's served breakfast all day. I went there for the Eggs Benedict but instead found something creamier than Hollandaise sauce. Astrid, my waitress, was new. She was softly crying. I asked her what was wrong. She said it was her birthday and she was alone in the city.

"She appeared to be sixteen. I asked her where her parents were, she said Illinois. I asked her how old she was, she said nineteen. My astonished look compelled her to retrieve her California Motor Vehicle Operator Permit from her purse.

I used the house phone to call the Department of Motor Vehicles downtown. The licence was legit. She was nineteen. Five foot zero inches, ninety-eight pounds, blonde hair, long, straight... Blue eyes... No corrective lenses... Organ donor...

"I continued to converse with Miss Damphouse. Our talk yielded considerable information, and her telephone number. She was from Peoria. In her high school drama club and all of it's many productions... Had moved to the city to be an actress... Discovered the payment required just to audition... Chose to be a waitress instead... Was trying to decide if she should stay... Or go back to Peoria and admit she was wrong..."

"'I want to be sure,' Astrid had said. 'I don't want to make a mistake.' I offered her my Police Identification saying, 'I carry a badge, you can trust me.'

***

"I decided to call Astrid that evening and offer to take her out for a birthday dinner. She chose Chinese. I picked her up at her residence, 821 Sixty-Ninth Street, Apartment Four-C, we rode in my cream colored fifty-six Chevrolet to Madam Wong's at 1021 Ninety-Second Street.

"She told me that all of the other men she had met in the city wanted her to dress like she was fourteen, and for her to call them 'Daddy.' I told her that in compliance with CPC 261.5 as amended, I was only interested in adult women. She kissed me and invited me into her apartment.

"The Mongolian Beef simmered in green peppers and onions that I had just enjoyed were nothing compared to the sweet yet savory flavor of Astrid's nether regions. After perfoming cunillingus, we has sexual intercouse, twice.

"Her breasts are small. That bothers her. I asked her why. She said 'men like them bigger.' I asked her if I was a man. She said yes. I suckled and played with her nipples. They are as big as the part of my thumb beneath my nail. In time she orgasmed from my affection. I asked her why she wanted to please anyone but Detective Sergeant Joe Friday. She did not answer.

"She is perfect, without blemish, tattoo or piercing. She was affectionate, returning my gift of cunnilingus with one of fellatio. She is ethical, choosing not to prostitute herself for a dream. She is stubborn, choosing not to go back to Illinois. I love her. I asked her to be with me as much as our work schedules permitted. She accepted...

***

"It is early. In the morning... In the relationship... Prudence suggests a period of acclimation longer than fourteen days. Early this morning, just after midnite, Wednesday, April twenty-third, I asked Astrid to consider her future. To consider the possibility of being Mrs. Detective Sergeant Joe Friday.

"Then, as an incentive that I enjoyed as much as she did, I delivered an additional orgasm. She delivered copious quantities of her wondrous juice to me. I wonder in time if she would be interested in joining with me and adding a small citizen to the population of the city, Los Angeles California," said Detective Sergeant Joe Friday.

***

"The story you have just read is fictional. On July eleventh a filing was processed in the County Clerk's office. In a minute the determination of that filing...

"The Clerk's office for the City and County of Los Angeles, determined that Joseph Friday and Astrid Damphouse being unmarried persons of legal age in the State of California were entitled to be, and thus were married under the laws of the City and County of Los Angeles, State of California."

"Dunn, Da. Dunn, Dunn... Dunn, Da, Dunn, Duhhhhh."

***

Lisa Ann