Pitch Perfect Adventures With J Mo

Some nights, the RA had a hangover and singing anything above the level of

wait'll you see my dick

was out of the question. On those nights, you sucked it up and turned to more obscure college entertainment, like drinking and party games.

"My turn?" Beca asked, before taking her obligatory shot. "Dare."

Aubrey smiled at her, always loving to turn the screws. "Say that Nicki Minaj's Anaconda is the song of the summer."

Beca wiped the whiskey off her lips. "I'm not doing that."

Sitting beside her in the crowded dorm room, Chloe gave her a pout-smile. "It's not a bad song, Bec."

"Yes, it is. It's repetitive and it does things to Sir Mix-A-Lot's seminal classic that the bar patrons in a Jodie Foster movie would cheer on. Guys, just because something has a feminist message doesn't mean it's good."

"Hence it being a dare," Aubrey said smugly.

"Yeah, I got that," Beca replied, equally snide. "Truth."

Aubrey smiled wickedly. "Who is the best sexual partner you've ever had?"

Cynthia-Rose whooped loudly. "Now we're getting somewhere!"

"That is not an appropriate question!" Beca hissed. "And you're only asking it because you think I'm going to say it's you."

Chloe patted her hand. "It's alright, Beca. You can say it's her if it's, you know, her. Just because we're girlfriends and we love each other and we brighten each other's worlds like the summer sun doesn't mean I'd mind if you said that a casual hook-up outside of our progressive, open relationship was better for you than me."

Beca slapped her forehead. "I hate alcohol."

"Guys, I think we all know who she's gonna say." Stacie winked at Becca.

"Shit!" Cynthia-Rose cried. "If I knew how much pussy you straight women got, I never would've gone gay."

Beca felt defensive. "I hadn't slept with Lilly either!"

"Not that you know of," Lilly said under her breath.

"I'm not like Magic Johnson or something," Becca insisted. "Jesse went gay too, and he's hooked up way more than I have! Why don't you ask him who the best lay is?"

Fat Amy huffed a laugh. "Because he slept with John Barrowman.

Obviously he's going to say John Barrowman."

"Looks like you're finally going to show your appreciation for the lyrical genius of Nicki Minaj." Aubrey had somehow gotten more smug.

Beca sneered at her. "You really wanna know the best sex I've ever had?"

"No, we wanna know what your thoughts are on peace in the Middle East," Cynthia-Rose said sarcastically.

"I say she's for it," Lilly added, not that anyone heard her.

"Alright. If you must know. The best fuck I ever had—probably the time Jennifer Morrison fucked me in the ass."

There was a level of silence that even the opening notes of a Beach Boys song would've disappeared into.

"You have anal sex?" Chloe asked finally.

"Oh yeah," Beca replied.

***

JENNIFER MORRISON TOOK MY ANAL VIRGINITY

***

Three years ago...

"Barden Bellas, my world champion National A Capella Champions!" Aubrey always drew herself up taller when she had an announcement to make. Beca kept reading her book on the founding of the NWA, trying hard to display the cover and still maintain a comfortable reading posture. "It is my privilege to announce that not only with Barden University be having the world-famous actress Jennifer Morrison here today to deliver our commencement speech, but, due to budget cutbacks and an unexpected turn-out for the nearby Republican Egyptologist Convention, she will in fact

be staying with us!"

"Question," Beca said, in the tone of voice she didn't use for questions. "Since

we're

currently staying with us, where exactly will she be staying? I for one already have a roommate."

"I was hoping you'd ask that!" Aubrey replied, in the tone of voice she used when she wasn't hoping Beca would be saying anything. "Since you and Chloe have been so blessed as to find a certain romance which Chloe assures me does not take time away from your practice or duties as world champion National A Capella Champions..."

"Why do you keep saying we're the world champions?"

"The American A Capella Champions are pretty much champions of the world," Stacie explained. "There's not much competition on an international level."

"You mean the rest of the world isn't into a capella?" Beca went back to her book. "Foreigners getting a little of my respect back after making Transformers 4 a hit."

"You didn't respect them after hearing Head Games?" Fat Amy asked.

"If we could focus?" Aubrey said. "Beca, frankly, you and Chloe have been going out for months and it's getting a little inappropriate that the two of you haven't moved in together yet

anyway.

"

"I'm like the wind," Beca said. "I can't be tied down. I've got to be free to ride motorcycles at night and play pool."

"Are you being sarcastic now? It's hard to tell, that seems like your normal speaking voice."

"Does it?"

"I still can't tell if you're being sarcastic."

"That's too bad."

"I still can't—"

"Should I even bother pointing out that you're, like, an afterschool program and you can't actually dictate to me that I should move in with my girlfriend?"

Everyone looked at Beca.

"That was pretty harsh," Cynthia-Rose said.

***

"We are going to be such good roommates," Chloe said, not having been present at the meeting so she could finish putting up the welcome banner for Jennifer Morrison. "Think about it, Bec. We're both girls and we're dating—we can wear each other's clothes!"

Beca stared at Chloe's cardigan. "Yeah. That was my first thought too."

She sat down on the bed as Chloe got on her laptop to do something with a PDF. Staring at Chloe's hair, she had to admit, at least the place had a good view.

"Guess what?" Chloe asked.

"Stradivarius."

"No. Jennifer Morrison has not only agreed to deliver a commencement speech here, but she'll be giving an interview to The

Bi

nd, our school's gay, lesbian, asexual, and transgender newsletter!"

"They're the ones who did a story on us holding hands, right?"

"They asked me if I wore gloves," Chloe confirmed, glad Beca had remembered. "And as a valued contributor to The

Bi

nd, I will be asking Ms. Morrison all the intimate, probing questions her queer fans demand answers to!"

"Like, why gay people care if there's lesbian subtext in a network television Disney fanfic?"

"Bec! Representation is important. Imagine if people just denied our relationship and said that you had a thing for, I don't know, John Stamos."

Beca was not having the representation discussion again. Chloe seemed to care about this stuff a lot more than she did, since Beca didn't care about anything. "So who is Jennifer Morrison anyway? Besides—Princess Odette or whatever."

"Odette isn't even in Disney canon," Chloe chided, as if Beca had misremembered that two plus two was four. "And Jennifer Morrison has had a long, storied career on stage and screen. She was on House!"

"I don't watch TV."

"And How I Met Your Mother!"

"I don't watch TV," Beca reiterated. "Besides, I thought you only cared about celebrities who had kissed other women so you could make gifs about them and put them on your tumblr."

"Don't be silly, Bec. They don't

have

to kiss other women these days, we can Photoshop that!"

***

Jennifer had a hell of a hangover. She cast around the bed until she found a surface that wasn't wobbling—an ass, hairy ass, she didn't remember going to bed with a man, just a woman with a strap-on. Grabbing hold of it, she opened her ring and poured out an emergency bump of coke, snorted it, and felt her headache fade. Course, now she was feeling hyper, so she dug her tabs of E out from under the bed and took one of those. Working on House over the years, Jennifer had become a master of self-medication.

She found her clothes, all that she wanted to keep anyway, and bundled them under her arm as she walked out of the bedroom. A six-year-old stared at her. Great. She'd had another threesome with a couple that'd crotch-bombed. You'd think fucking only lesbian couples would help, but apparently when Jen took too many shrooms, it got hard for her to tell genders. Not that it was ever easy with millennials these days.

As Jen dressed, she wondered—where the hell was she? Was she supposed to be filming something? No, she'd slept too long to make it to filming, they would've sent someone for her if she was supposed to be on set. So it was probably the off-season, which meant she had to be doing promotional. Visiting every flea bite in the country, trying to convince grown adults to watch a show about pixie dust and shit. Christ, this was why she liked the lesbians—at least they had the excuse of waiting for her to fuck that Queen bitch. Why did anyone else watch? A pressing need to see just how bad child actors could be?

Speaking of children, that six-year-old was still staring at her. Little pervert. She gave him the finger as she checked her phone. She was at a college, and she had to give a commencement speech about something somewhere.

Fuck, kids, I don't know how to break it to you, but you're screwed. Get into porn now, while you still have time to build a fanbase.

There, that was practice enough. Fully dressed, except for her bra, which she wasn't sure she'd been wearing in the first place, Jennifer stepped outside to find her car wasn't in the driveway.

Great. Now she had to hotwire one.

***

Aubrey was, of course, happy for

the

Jennifer Morrison's first impression of the Barden Bellas to be herself. She allowed Chloe, who wouldn't say anything embarrassing, to accompany her along with Lilly, who wouldn't say anything embarrassing loud enough for Jennifer Morrison to hear. Together, in their matching flight attendant outfits, which Aubrey still maintained was the most dignified a professional woman could look, they stood under the banner in the center of a small milling of curiosity seekers.

They watched as a black Taurus crept into the parking lot, then accelerated suddenly, mounting the curb before it went into park and shut off. Then J-Mo herself stepped out, in a ragged pair of jeans, a black leather jacket, and a black tanktop. Though the engine had been shut off, the headlights were still on.

"She's more glorious than I could've imagined-!" Chloe moaned under her breath.

"Keep it together, Chlo! We are, after all, the world champion National Champion—"

"You the A Capella folks?" Jennifer asked, strutting up to them. She tossed Lilly the keys. "Hide that somewhere. Be discrete, it might have something in the trunk."

"I haven't driven since the carjacking," Lilly said. "I have a court order not to."

No one heard her.

Aubrey gathered herself. She knew that Jennifer Morrison was probably from Australia, and in Australia they didn't really know how to drive. That was why those Mad Max movies made so much money. "Ms. Morrison, I am Aubrey Posen, thank you very much for gracing our humble, but very progressive, educational institute with your—"

"Yeah, you're the roller derby girls, right?"

Aubrey was somewhat confused. For a moment, she wondered if Beca had managed to dress up as Jennifer Morrison—and grow a foot taller. "No, we're—the Barden Bellas, you just said—"

"Why are you dressed as stewardesses if you're not in roller derby?"

"It's a good look, adhering to a time of great social progress and career opportunity for a refined class of the female—"

Jennifer snapped her fingers, turning it into a point at Aubrey. "You won the thing."

Aubrey inwardly cheered, happy to finally be recognized. "Yes! We won the thing!"

"You wanna show it to me? I love seeing things."

"Yes, of course, I'd be more than happy to! Chloe, get Ms. Morrison's bags."

"Don't have any bags. Travel light. Like the wind. But I could use these if I'm gonna give a speech." She took a folded up piece of paper from her pocket, unfolded it, scrutinized it, wadded it up, dropped it on the ground, took out another folded piece of paper, unfolded it, checked it, then handed it to Chloe. "Most of it you should be able to get at Wal-Mart."

"'The Penetrator XL with mounted fake testicles,'" Chloe read.

"Ask if they have it in the back," Jennifer suggested. "You're old enough to buy cigarettes, right?"

***

Aubrey showed Jennifer Morrison to the trophy room, which doubled as her room. Her roommate had thought it was weird that she had a trophy case with no trophies, and tried to put a bong in it, but now Aubrey had

the

National Champion A Capella Cup behind glass. She'd also had spare keys made for all the Bellas, in case they wanted to come into her room at any time and look at the Cup, or possibly bring friends to see it.

Of course, Aubrey doubted any of them had brought someone as prestigious as Jennifer Morrison into its presence.

"There it is," Aubrey said, as always, a little misty before their championship. "Just think, we did it all with our mouths."

"Not bad." Jennifer leaned forward. "Got a little plaque and everything." She wheeled back, smiling. "Course, it's not much compared to you."

"Me?"

"Of course. I like looking at you next to it. It's like, this shining example of modern femininity, beside a glowing showcase of what womanhood can accomplish."

"You really think so?" Aubrey boggled. Not even Chloe had ever said that, and Aubrey had tried prompting her.

Jennifer nodded. "It's really empowering. Do you think I could use it in my speech?"

"Yes! Yes, of course!"

"I am so overcome with the power of femininity right now."

"Me too!"

"You think I could look at your vagina?"

Aubrey looked down automatically. "My vag?"

"I just—" Jennifer knotted up her hands. "Feel a little incomplete, seeing all this female power and not being able to see the seat. Of your female power. The vulva. The vagina. The labia. The clit. It's like I'm not seeing the real you."

Aubrey thought about it. She hadn't shown her vagina to anyone—not in the presence of the trophy. But Jennifer Morrison seemed to understand. She quickly unzipped her skirt. "Well, you are Jennifer Morrison."

"That I am."

Aubrey did it in one fit of courage, dropping her skirt, stepping out of it, then lowering her panties. "There!"

"Wow!" Jennifer cried, clapping her hands to her cheeks. "Your vagina is amazing."

"Thanks!"

"I feel like I can see the power coming off it. Just like this amazing, goddess-strength which has had a bikini wax."

Aubrey preened a little. With her vagina.

Jennifer got down on her knees for a closer look. "This is the best vagina I've ever seen, Aubrey, really. I wanna pay homage to your vagina."

"You mean, like, with Vajazzling? Because I have a kit..."

"No, Aubrey. There's this ritual I love to do with my female co-stars, a way of sharing the miracle of having a vagina, and I know we only just met, but I would really like to do it with you."

"I love sharing the miracle of having a vagina!"

"I thought you might," Jennifer said, and started eating Aubrey out.

At first, Aubrey was surprised at Jennifer Morrison's face being on her pussy, but then she was only surprised at how good it felt.

God,

Jennifer Morrison really knew how to bring out the pleasure of having goddess-strength.

And as Jennifer Morrison ate out her latest conquest, she thought of how lucky she was to find the one college in America where lesbians dressed up as stewardesses and exercised their tongues daily. Shit, she was going to go through this place like a lawn-mower through grass.

***

Ever since their win at Nationals, the eastern ladies' dorm had been cannibalized as the Barden Bellas' headquarters. The common room was almost entirely Bellas, with everyone else studying on the grass in the quad.

Beca watched as Chloe dropped another load of plastic bag on the floor. It must've been a big order if she'd run out of tote bags to carry it in. "Booking yourself on Doomsday Preppers, young lady?"

"No, Jennifer Morrison just wanted a few things. You could help me carry them in."

"Or I could rub your tired, aching back later," Beca said sympathetically. "Who's paying for all this, anyway? Did Jennifer Morrison give you her credit card?"

"No, my dad did. He said to use it for emergencies only, and Jennifer Morrison is definitely an emergency."

"I'll say," Jennifer said as she stepped out of the trophy room. All eyes were on her, not on Aubrey, who followed her out a moment later with her jacket open and her shirt ruffled. Only Beca noticed.

"Here's everything on your list," Chloe said proudly, gesturing to the bags all around her. "I couldn't get the handgun, they said there was a waiting period..."

"I'm disappointed in you, Chloe," Jennifer interrupted.

Aubrey followed, snarling and shutting her jacket. "You've disappointed Jennifer Morrison!"

"I'm sorry... I'll talk to this black guy I know..."

"Chloe's very sorry," Aubrey added to Jennifer. "Now then, these are the rest of the Bellas and some of your biggest fans: Amy, Cynthia-Rose..."

"Wow, you're looking great," Jennifer interrupted to tell Stacie. "Are you a model?"

Stacie shook her head. "No, actually I get hired by comic book conventions to dress up as Slave Leia."

"So you're an actress."

"I guess so—"

"Have you ever auditioned?"

"No, I couldn't possibly..."

"Come with me, I'll give you a few pointers." Jennifer put her arm around Stacie's shoulders to lead her away. "First thing, you have to loosen up. Do you have any Jack Daniels?"

Beca wheeled on the rest of the Bellas, still waiting for their introduction. "Okay, did that seem really weird to anyone else?"

"Well, I didn't get her her handgun," Chloe reasoned. "We all deal with loss in different ways."

"I've been to Texas; that wasn't handgun sadness. It seems more like all Jennifer Morrison has done since she's gotten here is try to get young, impressionable women alone with her."

"That's enough, cadet!" Aubrey was shrill; Beca was mouthing 'cadet?' "How Jennifer Morrison expresses her goddess spirit with her sister females is just her business!

She was on House!"

Beca spread her arms in confusion. "So was Omar Epps."

"Exactly! Chlo, find something for Beca to do. Seduce her, if you have to!"

"Are you ordering us to have sex now?" Beca asked. "Any positions you'd like us to try, chief?"

"I'm sure I wouldn't know. But tribbing is a beautiful, equitable expression of Sapphic love, if you're asking seriously."

"I wasn't."

"Fine then. Sixty-nine for all I care. C'mon, Bellas, let's go do some jogging! Beca will just have to miss out!"

"You're being way harsh," Beca called after her, with about the usual sarcasm. Chloe was standing next to her. "And I hope you don't think we're going to have sex just because Aubrey told you to."

"No, no—it would be kind of interesting, though, her kinda telling us what to do, sorta dominating us..."

"

No.

"

"Alright then!" Chloe hemmed her hands behind her back, rocking on her heels. "You

could

help me prepare for my interview with Ms. Morrison."

"Yeah, more Jennifer Morrison. That's what I need in my life."

"I'm going to assume that's agreement sarcasm," Chloe said. "You still have your digital camera, right? You can take photos of us for the article!"

"Yeah, I'll go—shit, I left it in my old room when Aubrey kicked me out, which I'm still not sure how she managed—"

"Well, go!" Chloe told her. "Go, go, go!"

Beca started for the door. "You're very assertive for someone who gets Fifty Shades of Grayed by Aubrey in your spare time."