Some nights, the RA had a hangover and singing anything above the level of
wait'll you see my dick
was out of the question. On those nights, you sucked it up and turned to more obscure college entertainment, like drinking and party games.
"My turn?" Beca asked, before taking her obligatory shot. "Dare."
Aubrey smiled at her, always loving to turn the screws. "Say that Nicki Minaj's Anaconda is the song of the summer."
Beca wiped the whiskey off her lips. "I'm not doing that."
Sitting beside her in the crowded dorm room, Chloe gave her a pout-smile. "It's not a bad song, Bec."
"Yes, it is. It's repetitive and it does things to Sir Mix-A-Lot's seminal classic that the bar patrons in a Jodie Foster movie would cheer on. Guys, just because something has a feminist message doesn't mean it's good."
"Hence it being a dare," Aubrey said smugly.
"Yeah, I got that," Beca replied, equally snide. "Truth."
Aubrey smiled wickedly. "Who is the best sexual partner you've ever had?"
Cynthia-Rose whooped loudly. "Now we're getting somewhere!"
"That is not an appropriate question!" Beca hissed. "And you're only asking it because you think I'm going to say it's you."
Chloe patted her hand. "It's alright, Beca. You can say it's her if it's, you know, her. Just because we're girlfriends and we love each other and we brighten each other's worlds like the summer sun doesn't mean I'd mind if you said that a casual hook-up outside of our progressive, open relationship was better for you than me."
Beca slapped her forehead. "I hate alcohol."
"Guys, I think we all know who she's gonna say." Stacie winked at Becca.
"Shit!" Cynthia-Rose cried. "If I knew how much pussy you straight women got, I never would've gone gay."
Beca felt defensive. "I hadn't slept with Lilly either!"
"Not that you know of," Lilly said under her breath.
"I'm not like Magic Johnson or something," Becca insisted. "Jesse went gay too, and he's hooked up way more than I have! Why don't you ask him who the best lay is?"
Fat Amy huffed a laugh. "Because he slept with John Barrowman.
Obviously he's going to say John Barrowman."
"Looks like you're finally going to show your appreciation for the lyrical genius of Nicki Minaj." Aubrey had somehow gotten more smug.
Beca sneered at her. "You really wanna know the best sex I've ever had?"
"No, we wanna know what your thoughts are on peace in the Middle East," Cynthia-Rose said sarcastically.
"I say she's for it," Lilly added, not that anyone heard her.
"Alright. If you must know. The best fuck I ever had—probably the time Jennifer Morrison fucked me in the ass."
There was a level of silence that even the opening notes of a Beach Boys song would've disappeared into.
"You have anal sex?" Chloe asked finally.
"Oh yeah," Beca replied.
***
JENNIFER MORRISON TOOK MY ANAL VIRGINITY
***
Three years ago...
"Barden Bellas, my world champion National A Capella Champions!" Aubrey always drew herself up taller when she had an announcement to make. Beca kept reading her book on the founding of the NWA, trying hard to display the cover and still maintain a comfortable reading posture. "It is my privilege to announce that not only with Barden University be having the world-famous actress Jennifer Morrison here today to deliver our commencement speech, but, due to budget cutbacks and an unexpected turn-out for the nearby Republican Egyptologist Convention, she will in fact
be staying with us!"
"Question," Beca said, in the tone of voice she didn't use for questions. "Since
we're
currently staying with us, where exactly will she be staying? I for one already have a roommate."
"I was hoping you'd ask that!" Aubrey replied, in the tone of voice she used when she wasn't hoping Beca would be saying anything. "Since you and Chloe have been so blessed as to find a certain romance which Chloe assures me does not take time away from your practice or duties as world champion National A Capella Champions..."
"Why do you keep saying we're the world champions?"
"The American A Capella Champions are pretty much champions of the world," Stacie explained. "There's not much competition on an international level."
"You mean the rest of the world isn't into a capella?" Beca went back to her book. "Foreigners getting a little of my respect back after making Transformers 4 a hit."
"You didn't respect them after hearing Head Games?" Fat Amy asked.
"If we could focus?" Aubrey said. "Beca, frankly, you and Chloe have been going out for months and it's getting a little inappropriate that the two of you haven't moved in together yet
anyway.
"
"I'm like the wind," Beca said. "I can't be tied down. I've got to be free to ride motorcycles at night and play pool."
"Are you being sarcastic now? It's hard to tell, that seems like your normal speaking voice."
"Does it?"
"I still can't tell if you're being sarcastic."
"That's too bad."
"I still can't—"
"Should I even bother pointing out that you're, like, an afterschool program and you can't actually dictate to me that I should move in with my girlfriend?"
Everyone looked at Beca.
"That was pretty harsh," Cynthia-Rose said.
***
"We are going to be such good roommates," Chloe said, not having been present at the meeting so she could finish putting up the welcome banner for Jennifer Morrison. "Think about it, Bec. We're both girls and we're dating—we can wear each other's clothes!"
Beca stared at Chloe's cardigan. "Yeah. That was my first thought too."
She sat down on the bed as Chloe got on her laptop to do something with a PDF. Staring at Chloe's hair, she had to admit, at least the place had a good view.
"Guess what?" Chloe asked.
"Stradivarius."
"No. Jennifer Morrison has not only agreed to deliver a commencement speech here, but she'll be giving an interview to The
Bi
nd, our school's gay, lesbian, asexual, and transgender newsletter!"
"They're the ones who did a story on us holding hands, right?"
"They asked me if I wore gloves," Chloe confirmed, glad Beca had remembered. "And as a valued contributor to The
Bi
nd, I will be asking Ms. Morrison all the intimate, probing questions her queer fans demand answers to!"
"Like, why gay people care if there's lesbian subtext in a network television Disney fanfic?"
"Bec! Representation is important. Imagine if people just denied our relationship and said that you had a thing for, I don't know, John Stamos."
Beca was not having the representation discussion again. Chloe seemed to care about this stuff a lot more than she did, since Beca didn't care about anything. "So who is Jennifer Morrison anyway? Besides—Princess Odette or whatever."
"Odette isn't even in Disney canon," Chloe chided, as if Beca had misremembered that two plus two was four. "And Jennifer Morrison has had a long, storied career on stage and screen. She was on House!"
"I don't watch TV."
"And How I Met Your Mother!"
"I don't watch TV," Beca reiterated. "Besides, I thought you only cared about celebrities who had kissed other women so you could make gifs about them and put them on your tumblr."
"Don't be silly, Bec. They don't
have
to kiss other women these days, we can Photoshop that!"
***
Jennifer had a hell of a hangover. She cast around the bed until she found a surface that wasn't wobbling—an ass, hairy ass, she didn't remember going to bed with a man, just a woman with a strap-on. Grabbing hold of it, she opened her ring and poured out an emergency bump of coke, snorted it, and felt her headache fade. Course, now she was feeling hyper, so she dug her tabs of E out from under the bed and took one of those. Working on House over the years, Jennifer had become a master of self-medication.
She found her clothes, all that she wanted to keep anyway, and bundled them under her arm as she walked out of the bedroom. A six-year-old stared at her. Great. She'd had another threesome with a couple that'd crotch-bombed. You'd think fucking only lesbian couples would help, but apparently when Jen took too many shrooms, it got hard for her to tell genders. Not that it was ever easy with millennials these days.
As Jen dressed, she wondered—where the hell was she? Was she supposed to be filming something? No, she'd slept too long to make it to filming, they would've sent someone for her if she was supposed to be on set. So it was probably the off-season, which meant she had to be doing promotional. Visiting every flea bite in the country, trying to convince grown adults to watch a show about pixie dust and shit. Christ, this was why she liked the lesbians—at least they had the excuse of waiting for her to fuck that Queen bitch. Why did anyone else watch? A pressing need to see just how bad child actors could be?
Speaking of children, that six-year-old was still staring at her. Little pervert. She gave him the finger as she checked her phone. She was at a college, and she had to give a commencement speech about something somewhere.
Fuck, kids, I don't know how to break it to you, but you're screwed. Get into porn now, while you still have time to build a fanbase.
There, that was practice enough. Fully dressed, except for her bra, which she wasn't sure she'd been wearing in the first place, Jennifer stepped outside to find her car wasn't in the driveway.
Great. Now she had to hotwire one.
***
Aubrey was, of course, happy for
the
Jennifer Morrison's first impression of the Barden Bellas to be herself. She allowed Chloe, who wouldn't say anything embarrassing, to accompany her along with Lilly, who wouldn't say anything embarrassing loud enough for Jennifer Morrison to hear. Together, in their matching flight attendant outfits, which Aubrey still maintained was the most dignified a professional woman could look, they stood under the banner in the center of a small milling of curiosity seekers.
They watched as a black Taurus crept into the parking lot, then accelerated suddenly, mounting the curb before it went into park and shut off. Then J-Mo herself stepped out, in a ragged pair of jeans, a black leather jacket, and a black tanktop. Though the engine had been shut off, the headlights were still on.
