Raj, Howard, Leonard, Stuart, and Sheldon were all on the landing outside of Leonard and Sheldon's apartment commiserating about how badly their paintball game had just gone when Penny appeared from the steps.
"Oh, hey guys," Penny said upon seeing them.
Leonard nodded. "Hello Penny."
Raj, with the inability to speak to women, simply nodded and waved.
Howard tipped his hat. "Morning ma'am."
Penny gave Howard a sideways glance and chose to ignore him. "Hey guys, I'm having a party on Saturday so if you guys are around you should come by."
Everyone except for Leonard perked up.
"A party?" Leonard asked hesitantly.
Penny nodded. "Yeah."
"A boy-girl party?" Howard asked with excitement.
Penny thought about her response. "Well, there will be boys, and there will be girls, and it is a party. So, it'll just be a bunch of my friends, we'll have some beer, do a little dancing..."
Leonard shook his head and wrung his hands. "Yeah, I don't know, Penny..."
Penny could tell he was unsure. "Come on, it's Halloween."
Now Sheldon's interest was piqued. "A Halloween party?"
"As in, costumes?" Howard asked.
Penny looked at him like he was crazy. "Well, yeah."
Leonard was enthusiastic now. "Is there a theme? Are the costumes random, or genre specific? Science-fiction...fantasy...What about comic-books? Anime?"
Penny was a little uncomfortable now. "Of course."
Sheldon pressed for more information. "TV , film, D&D, Manga, Greek Gods, Roman Gods, Norse Gods..."
Penny was a little sorry she'd asked now. "Anything you want, okay? Any costume you want. Bye."
Howard looked at the other three men. "Gentlemen, to the sewing machines!"
*****
A few hours later, the party was in full swing while the five guys sat around the coffee table.
Raj looked around. "Penny is wearing the hottest damn witch costume I have ever seen."
Howard nodded his head. "Hell, yeah! I'd like to tap her with my wand!" Then Howard spied his next prey. "Hey guys, check out the sexy nurse. I believe it's time for me to turn my head and cough."
Howard approached the hot nurse. She was a tall brunette with an athletic build. Her uniform top was buttoned well below her bustline and her hem was barely long enough to cover her goods. She was holding a nearly empty red solo cup in her hand.
Howard looked up at her. "If that's a working stethoscope, maybe you'd like to hear my heart skip a beat?"
The nurse looked down at him with annoyance. "No thanks," she slurred. She was hammered.
"Okay. How about I check your heartbeat?"
She shook her head. "Mmmmm, no, I don't think so."
He paused, then grinned. "You know, I'm a real doctor. Checking your heartbeat can tell me a lot about your well-being."
Thinking that he was a real doctor, her attitude did a 180. "Really?" He nodded. "You're cute," she slurred and moved in closer.
The guys couldn't believe the nurse was actually giving Howard the time of day. They thought for sure she'd ignore him at best and kick his ass into next week at worst. Seeing Howard's success emboldened Leonard.
Leonard stood up from the couch. "This is ridiculous, I'm jumping in. Sheldon, you're coming with me," Leonard told him.
Sheldon shook his head. "Oh, I hardly think so."
"Come on."
"Aren't you afraid I'll embarrass you?"
Leonard thought about it for a second. "Yes. But I need a wing-man."
*****
Soon a beautiful blonde in a very revealing hippie costume stumbled towards Leonard and Sheldon.
"Oh, hi!" she said. She had obviously had too much to drink. "So, what are you supposed to be? A zebra?" she asked, pointing at Sheldon.
Sheldon looked at Leonard and shook his head. "No. I'll give you a hint. Neeeeooooowwwww!"
"Uh, a choo-choo train?"
"Close! Neeeeeoooooowwwww!"
"A brain damaged choo-choo train?" Sheldon looked at Leonard and shook his head. But the hippie continued. She looked Sheldon up and down. "You're really tall. I'll bet you've got a big dick. Can I see it?" Both men's jaws fell to the ground.
"I...I...I believe my penis is average size. There seems to be a mistaken belief that a man's penis size is relative to how tall he is. But, in general, that's not the case. Of course, there are instances..."
She cut him off. "Can I see it?"
Leonard couldn't believe it. "Go ahead, show her."
Sheldon looked at his friend in stunned horror. "Show her?! My penis?! Right here?! Now?! But...but..."
"No, not right here. Go over to our apartment and show her if that will make you feel more comfortable."
"I am not showing her my penis!"
Leonard paused. "Look at it as an educational opportunity. You can show her that despite your above average size your penis is the same size as any other man's. At least, I assume it is."
Sheldon thought about it. "An educational opportunity? Oh, I do love to educate people and show them how smart I am." He looked at the hippie. "Yes, I will show you my penis. My apartment is across the hall. Come with me."
The hippie clapped her hands. "Yay!"
Leonard shook his head in disbelief as he watched the two walk out the door.
A lovely little blonde girl in a sexy butterfly costume plopped herself on the couch, forcing her way between Stuart and Raj. "How wasted am I?!" She was totally wasted. Raj could only smile and shrug. Stuart nodded. She looked Raj up and down. "That's a great costume! Thor, right?" Raj nodded and smiled. "He's the God of Love or something, right?" First Raj furrowed his eyebrows. Then he decided to go with it. He shrugged his shoulders and nodded his head. She smiled back at him with a twinkle in her eyes. "That's a really big hammer," she cooed. "Do you know how to use it?" Raj was blushing under his caramel skin. "I'll bet you could peel the wings off this little butterfly and really make her scream with a hammer like that," she said as she snuggled up to Raj. Then she turned to Stuart. "And, let's see, you're, uh, Captain Hook?" Stuart nodded. "Is anything else on you that's big and bent like that hook?" she purred.
Stuart wasn't sure if she wasn't yanking his chain or not. "Well, actually..."
*****
Leonard spotted Penny's ex-boyfriend Kurt across the room. Kurt was a mountain of a man.
Why is he here? Maybe he crashed the party. He is Penny's ex-boyfriend after all
he thought to himself. Penny ran to Kurt and gave him a big hug.
So much for that theory.
He decided to make his presence - and interest in Penny - known.
Leonard walked up to the two. "Hello Penny. Hello Kurt."
Penny turned to him. She was three sheets to the wind. "Oh, hey Leonard. You having a good time?"
Kurt looked down at Leonard and sneered. "What are you supposed to be, an Elf?"
Leonard puffed out his chest. "No, I'm a Hobbit."
"What's the difference?" Kurt asked.
"Uh, a Hobbit is a mortal Halfling inhabitant of Middle Earth, whereas an Elf is an immortal tall warrior."
"Well, whatever, why don't you go hop off on a quest, I'm talking to Penny here."
"I think we're both talking to Penny here."
Kurt leaned down into Leonard's face. "Okay, maybe you didn't hear me, go away."
Penny stared at Kurt, knowing he could squish Leonard like a bug if he chose to. "Alright Kurt, be nice."
Kurt patted Leonard on the head. "Aw, I am being nice. Right little buddy?"
Leonard swiped his hand away. "Okay, I understand your impulse to try to physically intimidate me. I mean, you can't compete with me on an intellectual level and so you're driven to animalistic puffery."
The veins on Kurt's forehead began to pulse. "Are you calling me a puffy animal?"
Penny was in a panic. "Of course not, no, he's not, you're not, right Leonard?"
"No, I said animalistic. Of course we're all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree."
Kurt lifted Leonard two feet off the ground. "Okay, now you're starting to make me mad."
Penny stomped her foot. "Kurt, put him down this instant!"