I wanna tell ya a little story about the apartment rent blues.
I come in last night about half past ten and there she stood, yeah, she wouldn't let me in. Yippin and a yappin her gums away at me with her spray tanned arms and her smoke stained teeth. Hands on her little hips and blockin my apartment doorway with a mean old dog look on her face was the person I least wanted to see and who I'd been tryin hard to avoid, my naggin landlady of the past 5 years, Carol Brown.
She'd been just settin and a waitin for my ass to return like some kinda soul eatin vulture. Tryin to wake everybody up makin a loud commotion while wearin some hot pink shorts and a ratty and torn, oversized
Hank Williams T-shirt that just read, "Hey, Good Look".
"Ol' Hank would be howlin at the damn moon iffin he'd a known it woulda come to be like this," I thought to myself.
I reached into the front pocket of my jeans, fumblin for my keys and felt the tip of my dick harden. I stumbled a little bit from one too many PBR's but I could see it in her face as I got closer to the door. I knew exactly what she wanted. Yeah, uh-huh, and my dick knew it too. She weren't there droppin in to check on what condition my condition was in. She was there for some of my midnight special. She needed it to shine some of its ever lovin light on her. Lord, listen to me now. I'm tellin y'all, she wanted my mother fuckin dick!
"I want my muthafuckin' money!" she yelled.
I tried to keep a straight face. I tried to keep myself from laughin at how damn silly she looked with the dark roots startin to show through her peroxide bleached hair and with a lipstick stained Chesterfield ready to fall out the corner of her mouth, but I failed. A snort of spit flew out from me as I giggled and wipin my nose in my sleeve, I moseyed up to her face as close as I could and placed a finger over her wrinkled lips.
"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," I whispered till I was almost outta breath and wheezed out another laugh in her face. "Shhhhhh, why you tryin ta make it so hard for a man to fuck you? Just keep your spurs on, woman, you'll be riding this bull cock in 8 secs, I promise you. Just let...just lemme wait for this knob to stop spinnin and I can get this here key in."
She continued just a fussin and a spittin all sorts of nasty and callin me out for bein shiftless and lazy and a pointin her prickly lil finger into my chest.
I gotta say that practice makes perfect cause she was gettin really good at this, houndin me for rent, ya know? So, I decided to play along and really ham it up for any one of my nosy neighbors with they ears to the door listenin in.
"C'mon now, Mrs. Carol, will you let me slide? I'll have the rent for you tomorrow or the next day, I don't know," I said in a drunken slur.
I slid my key in as she got behind me and kept on with her award winnin actin performance.
"The locks are going to be changed by next Friday! I'm fucking serious! Me and my other tenants are tired of your guitar playing. Your music sucks! Your lazy, good for nothin' ass is always broke! You're always bumming from people one thing or another. You're eating into my money and my patience."
Well, that was a bit much. There was no cause for that. She ain't had to go and insult my guitar playin.
"You've got one week and then you're going to find all your trashy ass, worthless belongings sitting out on the sidewalk!"
"Mrs. Carol?" I yelled down the apartment hallway, still strugglin to keep from fallin down from drinkin, I mean, from laughin. "Mrs. Carol? Mrs. Carol?" I says, "You old hag! Why don't you just let me be? I'll have all your money on times like I always do!"
Then I slammed my door shut as hard as I could so as everyone would know I meant business and ain't to be pushed around by no triflin witch of a woman.
As soon as I locked the door Mrs. Carol went and hauled off and col' cocked me in my arm.
"Ow, why you do that for?" I cried.
"Who the fuck are you calling an old hag? I'm younger than you, you asshole! And I wasn't joking none about changing the locks, either! No money for rent? Then out the door you'll go!"
Ok, let's just put to the side that this here woman ain't damn younger than me, ok? But she was right in the fact that yours truly had hit a bit of a rough spot and had been findin it hard to scrounge up some much needed scratch. So I decides I'm gonna try first to wins over her heart.
"Ms. Carol, ya know, you knows I been tryin hard to find me a gig for my band and me. Lookin through the paper, classifieds and whatnot. It ain't been easy out there. I been walkin all day."
"I seen you today!" she barked, "I seen you today and you was standing on the corner leaning up against a post! You're drinking and pitching pennies in the alleyway with the other bums from around the block. That's what you been doing. I don't think you're even trying to find no job. You know what your problem is? Nobody wants to book no rockabilly polka and blues band. Folk music is what grown people now find pleasing to the ear. You should try to sound more like Peter, Paul, and Mary. Trust me."
So you know people, heaven can't do a thing to melt that hellish a heart. I shoulda known that sympathy wasn't gonna work. Do you sees now what I mean? I ain't been callin her mean ass names for nuthin. Peter, Paul, and what the who?! How she put her mouth to say them words? You see now what I been sayin? She ain't never got nothin nice to say to me.
So I then try to play hard. I tries to play hard cause I really don't wanna be outsides, ya know people?
"Alright then, Mrs. Carol, what if I just comes right out and tells Leroy that I been givin you the hard ins and the soft outs after he gets home from his shift at the junkyard?"
"That don't confront me none! You go right ahead and do that! Ain't nobody meaner than Leroy. He's a 6'4" piece of trigger happy Sicilian muscle. First thing he's gonna do is kill you and then he's gonna kill you again for good pleasure and dispose of your body in the car crusher. Then, when he makes it around to asking me if it's true, I'm gonna say that your dead ass was nothing but a goddamn liar!"
