My Girlfriend Is a Vampire

Disclaimer:

I do not own the legal rights to Lara Raith. Lara Raith is a character that was created by Jim Butcher for his stories about a fictional private investigator/wizard named Harry Dresden. I am merely borrowing Lara for a short time to bring a little fan-fiction entertainment to your lives.

******

The next morning, I awoke with a naked female sleeping beside me.

That, in and of itself, wasn't unusual. There have been hundreds of mornings where I've woken up with a naked female sleeping in my bed, however, something about this particular instance felt different. It took a few seconds for me to distinguish what was so distinctive about this specific female.

Oh, Hell's Bells. I promised to protect this one.

It was very rare for me to promise to protect a mortal, however, once the promise is made, it's a vow that must be taken seriously. The last time I had done that was during the reign of Olaf Tryggvason. That story had a very wretched and miserable ending. I was hoping that my promise to protect Kelsey didn't end the same way.

Why do I get emotionally attached to mortals? Even under ideal conditions, they only live a handful of decades. Developing an emotional bond with them inevitably means that I'll get to be miserable as I watch them perish.

I sat up and swung my feet out onto the floor, however, Kelsey remained sleeping. Good. The longer she slept, the more time I had to ponder what I'd gotten myself into and try to formulate my next move. I walked around my bedroom and began to get dressed as I considered my options.

And then, the phone rang. I was relieved to discover that it was Lara returning my call.

"Hannah darling," Lara's voice purred into my ear, "I apologize profusely for the delay in returning your call, however there has been a great deal of chaos in the Raith household of late, and as the eldest of Lord Raith's children, the responsibility for restoring order fell upon my shoulders."

"Chaos?" I said, "Do you need any help sorting it out?"

"You are very kind to offer," Lara's captivating voice replied, "however, I have matters well in hand. And I believe you told Addison that you had a matter with which you needed some assistance."

"I did," I replied, "It involves the Ordo sicariorum. I assume you know who they are."

There was an uncomfortable pause before Lara replied, then she said, "I do. They are mercenaries. They tend to be very skilled at their work, however, I would not recommend employing them. Their organization has multiple factions, making them unpredictable. On occasion, they've been known to complete a mission for their clients, and then murder their clients as well."

"Oh," I said. And then there was another long, uncomfortable pause, before I added, "I wasn't planning on hiring them."

"I am quite pleased to hear it."

"I killed three of their assassins yesterday, and now I've given sanctuary to one of their intended victims."

Another pause, followed by a response of, "I see. Hannah Dear, is there a compelling reason for why you wish to bring so much danger and complication into your life?"

I sighed noisily and tried to formulate a response. I honestly didn't understand why I stepped in and saved Kelsey from the Ordo sicariorum myself. If I didn't understand the motive behind my actions, how was I going to explain my motives to Lara?

"Their intended victim was a teenage girl," I finally responded, "They came to Chicago to kill an innocent teenager. They came into

my city

to kill an innocent teenager girl. That was just unacceptable. They can't come into

my city

and do things like that!"

"Your city, I see," Lara said, with a tone that indicated she didn't understand my motivations at all, "And when exactly did you become the designated savior of teenage females in the city of Chicago?"

I sighed much more resonantly this time and replied, "It was a spur of the moment decision. She called out for help and I felt a strong urge to protect her. It was like I was Batman, and some thugs showed up in Gotham City and tried to kill one of my people."

"I'm sorry,

Batman? Gotham City?"

Sometimes Lara doesn't get pop culture references. White Court vampires tend to see humans as creatures to prey upon, not creatures that make great literature or great movies.

"Look, forget about Batman," I said, "I made a decision to protect this girl. I refuse to let the Ordo sicariorum kill her. The reasons aren't important. What

is

important, is they're almost certainly going to keep sending hired guns into Chicago, and I need to come up with a plan for how to deal with that."

Lara wasn't really the sentimental type. She was far more practical and pragmatic than sentimental. Knowing that, I probably shouldn't have been surprised at the initial advice that she tried to impart unto me.

"I see," Lara said in her sweet and soothing tone, "I suppose we could kill the girl ourselves and deposit her body somewhere along Burnham Harbor. Once the Ordo sicariorum realizes that she's dead, they would lose interest in the city of Chicago, and they wouldn't be a problem for you anymore."

This time I stifled my sigh and stared at the phone for a few seconds before replying, "I need to come up with a plan that doesn't involve her ending up dead."

"Very well," Lara conceded, "You are not making this easy, Dear Hannah, however, I shall devise a plan that will allow us to deal with the problem of neutralizing the threat of the Ordo sicariorum without your teenage girl ending up dead in the process."

"Thanks, Lara," I said, looking around as sounds in my bedroom indicating Kelsey had woken up and was crawling out of bed.

"I shall need some time to arrange matters," Lara said, "In approximately four hours, I should have some news to report. Keep your teenage girl in a safe place until then. I'll call you as soon as I have a plan."

"What sort of plan?" I asked, "Obviously I don't need all the details just yet, but could you at least give me an idea? Broad strokes?"

"Broad strokes?" Lara said, "We want to get the leaders of the Ordo sicariorum to lose interest in killing your precious teenage girl. I have the beginnings of an idea of how that might be done, however, it will take time to bring this idea to maturity."

"What?" I asked, "Isn't there a way we can kill them all off?"

I had a throbbing passion inside of me, urging me towards more acts of heroism. I wanted to fight evil and crush supernatural threats. I don't know why I felt that way, but I did.

"You wish to do battle with an army of supernatural assassins?" Lara asked, sounding mildly amused, "And do you have an army of supernatural warriors to ride into battle with you?"

"Um," I replied, feeling somewhat off balance.

"Let me attempt to find a less self-destructive solution, Darling," Lara suggested, "Afterwards, if you are still feeling suicidal, you can go to war with the Ordo sicariorum."

"Um, okay," I replied numbly. I was centuries older than Lara. I hated allowing her to take the lead and make the important decisions on this, however she was more practical and pragmatic than I was.

"I shall call you back in four hours with the best news I can manage," Lara assured me, and then she hung up.

"Who was that?" Kelsey asked approximately two seconds after Lara disconnected from the call.

I had hoped that Kelsey would have slept for a little while longer. I wasn't really in control of the situation and I would have preferred that she not wake until I had a better handle on things.

"That was Lara," I replied, trying not to stare too intently at her young, lithe, naked body, "She's sort of an expert on paranormal threats, so I'm petitioning her for advice on how to deal with the assholes who are chasing after you."

"You need to go to somebody else for advice on paranormal threats?" Kelsey asked, "After the way you rescued me from those harpies, I thought you were Chicago's resident expert on paranormal threats."

I shook my head in negation. "Lara has spent the past two-hundred years dealing extensively with vampires, wizards, warlock, faeries and the like. I've spent the past two-hundred years mostly dealing with humans. Her practical experience means she's better equipped than I am at this point."

"Two-hundred years?" Kelsey asked, "Just how old is Lara? Come to think of it,

how old are you?"

"Kelsey," I said admonishingly, "don't you know any better than that? It's bad manners to ask a woman her age!"

Kelsey crossed her arms underneath her chest and gave me a pouting look. The way she crossed her arms lifted her breasts and made them look more delicious and inviting. That plus her flat, toned abs and the shamelessly visible pubic lips made it difficult for me to concentrate on the threat of supernatural assassins.

I told Kelsey that I was going to get dressed, and I encouraged her to do the same. It would make it easier for me to think if we were removed all the nudity from the equation.

Getting dressed should have been one of the easier tasks of my day, however I soon discovered a great deal of difficulty when I attempted to put my clothes on.

"Hells bells," I exclaimed, and threw my pants across the room.

Much to my displeasure, I soon discovered I couldn't fit into any of my pants. None of my shirts or bras fit correctly either. It was like somebody had cast a spell on all my clothes to shrink them to a smaller size.

Such a thing was possible, only what would be the point? A spell like that wasn't an attack. It was more like a prank.

"What's wrong?" Kelsey asked, her left eyebrow raised in a quizzical expression. I had tossed several items of clothing across the room and had been staring at them bitterly. I probably looked like a crazy woman.

"These clothes don't fit anymore," I growled angrily, snatching up a bra and pair of blue jeans off the floor, "Some lowlife has tampered with my clothes! Somebody shrank them!!"

I'd seen pixies do something like this to someone's clothes once, however, that was over three-hundred years ago, and on another continent. It had been

decades

since the last time I'd run across any pixies, and I was certain that I hadn't done anything to piss any of them off. So, who was doing this to me?

"Seriously? Somebody broke into your house and made alterations to your clothes while we were both sleeping?"

"There are ways it can be done," I replied, "very quietly and very discretely. But who would want to do this to me? I've been keeping a low profile! I mean, except for my church, but people

like

my church! I haven't done anything with my church that would offend anybody! So, why

this?"

I waved my now, unwearable clothes around like an accusation, and tried to recall anybody that I could have angered in the past sixty years or so. No names came to mind.

"Are you sure somebody shrank your clothes?" Kelsey asked, and before I could formulate a response, she added, "I've only known you a few hours, and I think that you've grown taller since I first met you. I don't think your clothes got smaller. I think you've gotten bigger."

I wanted to argue with Kelsey, however, I got a cloth tape-measure instead and I had Kelsey assist me in taking some measurements. Sure enough, she was right. I'd grown several inches larger while I was sleeping.

Kelsey measured my height, my breast size, my waist, my hips, my inseam and even my feet. Everything had gotten bigger, no wonder my clothes didn't fit.

"Has this ever happened before?" Kelsey asked.

"First time," I replied, "and hopefully the last. I'm going to have to buy all new clothes. This is going to be expensive."

"What are you going to do?"

"First thing," I replied, "I need new clothes. I'm gonna need help for that, as I can't walk out of the house naked, and I can't wear the clothes that are currently in the house."

That wasn't entirely true. However, the only clothes that I had at that moment that I could wear were socks, leggings and unitards. And I wasn't leaving the house dressed up in socks and skintight spandex.

"Want me to run out to the store and buy you some clothes?" Kelsey asked. I appreciated the offer, but that wasn't going to work.

"You're still being hunted," I replied, "You set foot outside that door, there's a chance the Ordo sicariorum will show up and try to kill you again. No, for this problem, I need to call on somebody else for assistance."

______

Naturally, I recruited Katherine to help. I gave her my new sizes over the phone. I now had a twenty-three-inch waist, thirty-five-inch boobs and thirty-five-inch hips. My feet now measured in at seven inches from heel to toe and my inseam was thirty-two inches.

Katherine had no enemies, and nobody was hunting her. She also had excellent taste in clothes, so I trusted her not to buy anything hideous, impractical or tacky.

"She won't think that it's strange that you grew to six feet tall overnight?" Kelsey asked.

"Katherine is used to living in a world where strange things happen," I explained, "She's seen shit like this before."

"Things like what?" Kelsey demanded.

I rolled my eyes and I tried to recall some of the most notable things that both Katherine and I had encountered since I came to Chicago.

"Well, things like a pack of werewolves in the city that has laid claim to territory around the University of Chicago. And about two years ago, there was an actual troll living underneath the Lake Shore Drive bridge. And on the Southside of Chicago is a parking space that's cursed. If you park there, best case scenario, your car will disappear and never be seen again. The locals avoid it like the plague. Should I go on or is that enough?"

"Seriously? Werewolves? She's actually seen them?" Did she get any photos?"

"The werewolves are real," I replied, "but it's not like a petting zoo. They don't come up to you and let you take their picture. They're quick and stealthy, but if you're alert and observant you can sometimes catch a glimpse of them."

Kelsey was absolutely fascinated with the paranormal and continued to pepper me with questions about werewolves, trolls, curses, vampires, wizards, warlocks and magic. I'm guessing that Memphis didn't have much of a paranormal community. From the way she was talking, I was the first person she'd ever met who knew anything about this stuff.

She was like a little kid with a new and complicated toy. She wanted to know everything. I ended up telling her all about the Red Court Vampires, Black Court Vampires, White Court Vampires, Jade Court Vampires, the White Council of Wizards and the unfortunate warlocks who sometimes fell afoul of them.

I was just beginning to explain how most groups of paranormal beings cannot get along with most other groups of paranormal beings, when Katherine finally arrived.

"Katherine,"

I exclaimed,

"Thank you!"

Kelsey had seemed like an adult when she was naked and doing deliciously wonderful things to me in bed, however, he youthful curiosity and eager insistence on asking me about everything made her seem like a small, inquisitive child, and I really do not enjoy dealing with children.

"Katherine, this is Kelsey," I said, gesturing to the insatiably curious teenager, "Kelsey, this is Katherine."

I had hoped to get Katherine and Kelsey chatting so I could get dressed in peace. I had grown weary of Kelsey's endless questions and hoped that Katherine would engage with Kelsey and get me out of the line of fire.

My hopes crashed and burned almost immediately after liftoff.

Ignoring Kelsey, Katherine looked me over and gave me a look of rapt fascination. "Oh my God," Katherine exclaimed, "You really

did

grow taller! What are you now, five foot, eleven?"

"Six foot," I responded. I looked down at Katherine and felt the extra height. When I first met Katherine, she was maybe half an inch taller than me. Now I was looking down at her, she was wearing heels and I wasn't even wearing shoes. I estimated that I was about six inches taller than her now.

"What did you do?" Katherine asked, "Piss off a leprechaun?"

"What?" No!"

I exclaimed, "I haven't pissed off anybody! And there's never been any leprechaun sightings in the city of Chicago! I don't think they've ever been seen anywhere in the United States!"

"And what sort of curse is it to make somebody taller?" Kelsey inquired, "I like it. She looks kind of like an amazon."

"More like a valkyrie," Katherine opined, "With that blonde hair and blue eyes, she definitely looks more like a valkyrie than an amazon."

"Or A warrior-angel," I said softly.

I now had an excellent idea of what caused me to grow six inches taller overnight and it had nothing to do with leprechauns.

To a certain extent, gods rely on mortals to believe in us, however, what they believe about us can influence our abilities, behaviors and physical appearance. Back when the Persians and the Greeks were the superpowers of the mortal world, it was all so organized. Back then the mortals had priests and priestesses who pointed the mortals in the right direction and made certain that believers understood our identities.

Now, I had mortals who saw me as some sort of heroic figure who was here in Chicago to protect then, or as Kelsey had put it,

a warrior-angel.

And if I was going to be heroic, why

not

make me six feet tall?

"I've got to get dressed," I said abruptly, "There's hot coffee and orange juice in the kitchen. You two help yourselves, and I'll be back in just a few minutes."

I went through the bags of clothing and was pleased to see that Katherine had purchased a nice variety of clothing in my new sizes. There was formal clothing, informal clothing and workout clothing. Everything looked tasteful and presentable.

I ended up wearing the pale-grey, double breasted, tweed pant suit. I accessorized it was matching, pale-grey flats and then checking my look in the mirror.

Women in tweed pant suits don't usually look intimidating, but with my extra height, I did look somewhat like a valkyrie. I was somewhat taken aback by my new look. I didn't just look tall, I also looked bold, fearless and self-confident.

"I am the guardian of this city,"

I told my reflection assertively. My reflection didn't disagree. Mirror reflections rarely contradicted their flesh and blood counterparts; however, I still felt a small degree of satisfaction that mine failed to dispute my words.

_____________

When I made my reappearance in the dining room, Kelsey and Katherine were deep in conversation. They immediately went silent when they saw me enter. Katherine held up a bastard sword where it was clearly visible.

I recognized it immediately. It was the same bastard sword that that bird-lady had used to stab me through the chest.

"So, Hannah," Katherine said in an accusatory tone, "Kelsey tells me that some harpies tried to kill you yesterday. When were you planning on tell me about this?"

"Hey,"

I snapped at her, "I called you almost

immediately

after it happened. It's not my fault that you didn't answer your phone!"

"So, I didn't answer my phone yesterday," Katherine countered, "but what about today? When I answered the phone today, did you tell me that an ancient group of paranormal assassins was hell-bent on killing you?"

"Okay, first of all," I retorted, "the ordo sicariorum isn't out to kill me, they're out to kill Kelsey."

"They

were

out to kill Kelsey," Katherine replied, "but now that you've killed three of their assassins, I'm pretty sure that they're out to kill

both

of you now."