Mismatched Lovers

"A Human man and a Turian woman go on a blind date. Leave matchmaking to an Asari..."

This is fanfiction set in the universe of Mass Effect. It follows original characters at a non-specified time before the events of the games. The story should be comprehensible even of you are not familiar with the source material, though I imagine most who are reading this probably are. I hope you enjoy it.

Mass Effect is the property of BioWare. This is a work of fan fiction and contains scenes of sexual nature.

Mismatched Lovers

Chapter 1

The Mismatchmaker

"Regretfully: My apologies. We do not currently have any GXT-supporting systems adapted for Human ears. With great enthusiasm: May I suggest this new Salarian made Audioblast headset with modular earplugs instead?"

Tom did what he could not to roll his eyes. The line he had been standing in had reached outside the crammed kiosk and all the way to the sushi bar. If he could have just asked up front, he wouldn't have had to waste 30 minutes of his life on this pointless endeavor.

"No, it's fine. Thanks anyway," he told the Elcor cashier before the robust alien had had the time to point out the offered item on the shelf. He felt it impolite to leave while the lumbering attendant had his back to him, so he stepped back from the counter and waited until the pachydermal, quadrupedal behemoth turned back around. He met his beady eyes on a nearly featureless face before bidding farewell and winding his way towards the entrance.

"Sincerely: I hope you will come again soon," the cashier's monotonous voice droned behind him.

The Elcor were native to the high-gravity planet Dekuuna, which made them big, impressively strong and even more impressively slow. Among themselves, they communicated by subtle gestures and scents imperceptible to anyone else, which aided their inflexible vocalizations. That meant that when speaking to other species, announcing their intended emotion was the only way to color their speech. Tom wondered how often they used this fact to lie. Standing behind the counter the whole day certainly seemed like a joyless existence.

His omnitool pinged as he was dodging a passing Hanar's tentacles and so Tom leaned against a wall, activated the orange-glowing holographic interface on his wrist and brought up the chat window:

Steph > [

Hey are u coming at all or not?

]

Steph > [

Kevin's gonna be under the table before you get here

]

Tom sighed, wiping his hand across his eye. In truth, he wasn't exactly looking forward to joining his friends in the Purgatory Club for the evening. It's not that he didn't like the folks; in contrary, their company was one of the few positive things about his working days. They just suffered from the unfortunate condition of being

extroverts,

meaning they favored the most obnoxious pastimes imaginable. He had only accepted their invite for the sake of not breaking the group up. Which he seemed to have made a habit of.

"Hey," a voice piped up, tearing him from his musings, "were you looking for the new GXT-compatible series?"

Tom looked around for the source of the flanging voice and found it belonged to a casually dressed Turian woman. The alien figure was standing to the side of him, a small black package in her hands, as if she was just exiting the store whose entrance he was leaning against. She was nearly a head taller than him; her powerful build and bone-white, armor-plated face cutting an imposing image. The soft, blue eyes that peered at him though made him feel at ease.

"What? Oh, yeah," he stammered, straightening himself. "Not that they had anything for Humans. I knew they would have likely sold out before noon but my shift just ended an hour ago. And the store doesn't update their e-shop stock until the next day which means you can't order a delivery either, though why that is I cannot grasp."

"Business strategy," the alien woman answered. "Everyone wants the new gadgets before they're gone, so they come in person. And if you're already here and they don't have what you want, they'll more easily convince you to buy something else instead. Plus, the lines are pretty much free advertising."

"Huh," Tom processed the information, equally impressed and infuriated at the practice. "That's insightful! You work in marketing or something?"

The Turian chuckled - or at least made a sound that Tom thought was a chuckle - the mandibles framing her face exposing the needle-like teeth at the sides of her mouth as they quivered. "No, not at all! I've just been shopping here for a while now. You know, you could always order from the distributor if you'd like. You seem like someone who knows what they want."

"Yeeeah," Tom glanced at the ground, rubbing his neck. "That's a little outside my price range." It was true. The reason people flocked to this store was their massive discounts on new stock.

The Turian nodded, tapping the box in her hands. "I understand that. Listen, in between us connoisseurs," she leaned in conspiratorially, bringing her mandibles level with his eyes, "the store actually receives their inventory the evening before. They don't advertise it, but if you come in late and ask about a specific ware, they'll bring it in for you."

That got Tom's attention. "Really?"

The woman nodded, miming a shushing gesture. "If I wasn't working a late shift, I would have come yesterday. It's how I usually do it."

"Wow. Thanks! I'll, uh... I'll write that down for next month."

"Don't mention it!" the woman called as she went on her way, shooting him what he hoped was a friendly grin. "Literally."

Tom was left standing there, mildly stunned by the turn of events. As he processed this piece of intel, he was beginning to feel less bummed by his situation. Not that it made him pleased about what was to follow. It was late and he was tired and the last thing he needed in his life right now was loud thumping, flashing lights and half-drunk people shouting and flailing around.

Not that there was really a day or a night on the Citadel, just a routine you learned to follow. Built by a long extinct race, the massive alien construct was the biggest space station to ever exist and the de-facto hub of the galaxy. It consisted of five enormous blade-like arms called the wards, arranged into a cylinder, the inside of each housing an entire metropolis. On one side, they were connected to a central ring known as the presidium: a luxurious district, home the council chambers (the seat of the galactic political leadership), as well as embassies of each individual species.

The whole thing reminded Tom of a ceiling fan with its blades folded downward, creating artificial gravity as it slowly spun around its axis. If needed, the Citadel could close completely and become virtually impregnable to any known weaponry; but for all the time Tom had lived there, the wards had remained open, offering a stunning view of the violet clouds of the Serpent Nebula that surrounded it. A view he had once gladly sacrificed his circadian rhythm for.

But as much as he enjoyed gawking out of a skyscraper window, Tom unfortunately had friends. And he's kept them waiting long enough by now.

o o

\ ˇ /

The Purgatory Club was probably the most accurately named joint on the Citadel. To sum it up, it was a club. Not exactly a prestige one, but not a place one went to every night. And it was one of the best ones on the ward, filled with great bars, comfortable seating, booming beats and dance floors' worth of writhing bodies. Which is to say, it matched Tom's vision of a purgatory.

"Come on, brighten up a little! You look like you're at a funeral!" Ed shouted from across the table. They were sitting in a booth, which Tom had to admit dampened the ruckus of the club somewhat, but not enough that his tipsy friend wouldn't think to raise his voice.

"Told you you were wasting time waiting in those lines," Stephen chimed in. "This wouldn't have happened if you'd come with us from the get go, you know." He took a swig from his glass and grabbed a bottle to refill it, Tom waving him away when he offered it to him. "Or is this about the date?"

"Riiight!" Ed roused himself and leaned over the table, dragging Marrissa with him as she clutched onto his shoulder. "How did it go? Spill the beans!"

Tom sighed and fell back into the cushioned seat. "It went..." he started, conjuring a sufficiently diplomatic response, "fine. But also, nowhere."

Ed scowled. "That's it? Really? You have nothing more to add? Don't leave us hanging!"

Tom had plenty more to add, but it wouldn't have been fair; neither to his date nor to his friend, who had so enthusiastically set the two of them up. The date went exactly as Tom had predicted, but as he'd already established, he had certain issues with the word 'no'. Namely, he used it so often, he felt like it had lost all its meaning.

He shrugged and said nothing further on the matter, gazing instead out of the booth, which offered a clear view of one of the dance floors. The menagerie of different species all moving to the rhythm in ways their anatomy best allowed them was an interesting sight, even to someone from the Citadel. But the diverse crowd of Turians, Humans and the occasional Salarian was, as usual, dominated by the Asari. The alluring aliens were probably the most common sight in the galaxy, and that went for both prestigious or political positions as well as social hotspots.

Appearing for all intents and purposes as attractive, blue-skinned women with rigid crests instead of hair, the single-gendered species had no trouble fitting in wherever they went. They were the first ones to discover the Citadel, abandoned for ages in the far reaches of space, and it was they who founded the galactic council. It was practically unheard of an unsuccessful Asari. Their thousand-year lifespans and innate telekinetic abilities didn't hurt their opportunities either. Still, Tom sometimes had trouble reconciling the image of the elegant social butterflies with the richest and most technologically advanced species in the galaxy.

"Where is Kevin, anyway?" he asked all of a sudden, realizing he hadn't noticed him since he arrived.

"Last I've seen him, he was trying to woo some Asari he accidentally trampled on the dance floor," said Marrissa, her tone conveying an eyeroll without looking up from her glass.

"Someone should remind him he's not a teenager anymore," said Tom. "We're too old to let loose like he does. He could use some responsibility in his life that isn't third party."

"I think if that lesson hadn't sunk in yet, there's no hope anymore," Stephen commented. "Of course, a teenager with an Asari is a whole 'nother thing to unpack!"

That elicited a table-wide chuckle. Of course, there was the other reason Asari fit in anywhere they went. Their strange biology allowed them to reproduce by mentally linking with their partner and copying their genetic code which they then mixed with their own. Meaning that in practice they could procreate with any species and any gender. The child would always be Asari, of course, but if you didn't mind that fact (or that your partner would outlive you by hundreds of years), Asari/Human couples were actually quite common. Or Asari/Anything for that matter. Their culture or religion or whatsit essentially encouraged them to seek out alien partners, putting a social stigma on intraspecies relationships. A curious contrast against most cultures.

"How about you, Tom?" asked Ed. "Ever had eyes for an Asari?"

Right

, thought Tom.

It's THAT time of the evening

. "Can't say I have," he answered honestly.

"Why? Don't like them blue? Or is it the lack of hair that turn you off?" Ed continued, Marrissa giving him a smack on the shoulder, eying him in revulsion.

"No, I just never had," Tom answered and closed the subject. He wasn't about to give a detailed analysis of his taste in women. It's not that he didn't find them attractive, and the whole mental link thing sounded intriguing at the very least, but looks alone weren't enough to spark his interest in someone. Besides, the thing about Asari was that somehow, they appeared like attractive blue women to

every

species. Once you figured that out, it was hard to look at them the same.

"What was that about Asari?" asked Tellana as she laid down the tray of drinks and took her seat behind the table.

"Finally! Please, save me from these creeps!" Tom begged, reaching for his coke glass. The cold liquid filling his stomach instantly woke him from his stupor and he straightened in his seat.

"Oh, please!" Ed waved a hand as if physically deflecting the accusation. "We were just querying Tom on relationships, that's all!"

"You were being disgusting!" Marrissa retorted.

"I just asked him if he was into Asari!" Ed turned to Tellana defensively. "Not you, specifically, just in general. What's wrong with that?"

"You were practically drooling as you said it." his girlfriend countered. There seemed to be tension building between the two. At the very least, Tom hoped that would cool the guy off.

"And are you?" Tellana turned to him as the couple bickered.

Tom sighed in exasperation. "Not you too! Why is everybody up in my business today? We'll make a deal, okay? If I'm ever that desperate for dating advice, I'll come and ask!"

"That's precisely the problem here, Tom!" Stephen chimed in. "We seem to care more about your happiness than you do! If we won't step up and step in, who will?" As if coming to a resolution, he set down his glass and stood from the seat. "Come on! You're hitting the dance floor! We're partying!"

"Like hell I am!" Tom rebuked.

"Why not? Easiest way to pick up girls. Even Kevin understands that! You'll walk in there, bust some moves and you'll be leaving here with a chick in tow within an hour!"

Tom settled back firmly in his seat, arms crossed, shooting Stephen the coldest gaze he could muster. "I. Don't. Dance."

The man deflated, falling back into the seat opposite. "You know, for someone who's that into music, you're quite the bore."

Tom looked to the Asari in plea, shooting her the 'can you believe this crap?' look. But to his horror, Tellana seemed to be taking the others' side, the orange markings on her dark blue face scrunched in consideration. "So, I'm taking it the date didn't go well?"

"No and I'm not elaborating."

"You don't sound surprised," Ed observed.

Tellana shrugged. "I had my suspicions."

"How?" Ed perked up, leaning towards the Asari. "Do you know something we don't?"

"Just a century of experience," she replied, shifting her attention to her drink.

The others seemed to consult this voicelessly as they looked among each other. "Well, whatever insight you have, we sure could use it," Stephen declared. "Since

he

isn't putting in any work, it falls to us, otherwise Tom's gonna end up alone till the end of his days."

"What's so wrong with that?" Tom asked.

"Really?" Marrissa piped up. "You'd rather be single forever?"

"Better than the alternatives," was all he could answer. "I have a life and all. Friends, family, hobbies. I don't need someone holding me by the hand to enjoy it."

"Hobbies such as: waiting in a line at an audio store while your friends are out clubbing!" Ed commented. "Was that worth it to you? Standing around there the whole time?"

"It would have if they had the earphones," Tom retorted. But as he considered it, his mind wandered back to the Turian and what she had said about the inventory. If it turned out true, that random act of kindness might become the highlight of his month. "Actually, it might have been. Yeah, I think it was perfectly worth it!"

"Whatever," Stephen conceded, standing up again. "I'll leave this to you guys. Tellana, you've become our last hope. I'm done with this killjoy. I'm going dancing while I'm still young!"

"Who's gonna tell him?" Ed whispered to Marrissa as their friend shambled off the table, stretching his back.

Tom relaxed and poured himself more coke, enjoying the sweet beverage and sweeter silence. The worst part of these meetups was when he inevitably became the topic of conversation. He could only hope the talk wouldn't be steered in that direction again. "Now that that's out of the way, does anyone have anything actually exciting they wish to discuss?"

"Don't think you're off the hook yet!" Ed eyed him.

"Anything. Literally anything!" Tom looked between the women at the table. "Movies? Music? Literature? What you ate for breakfast?"

"Tom!"

"...sports?" he tried, glancing at Ed, the word sour on his tongue.

"I think Stephen has a point," Tellana spoke up, the sentence sinking in like a knife into Tom's back.

"What?" he asked in dejection. Tom turned to face the Asari, the wheels visibly spinning in her head. "No!" he declared, panic rising. "Tellana, don't!"

"I didn't do anything yet!" she defended herself, palms raised.

"I know what you're going to say and the answer is no. I'm done with blind dates and matchmakers and any of you all's antics!"

"You didn't even give me a chance!" she accused. "I was arranging dates before any of you were born! Don't discount my judgement like that!"

"You know, if a Human said that, it would make them sound very

un

trustworthy," Marrissa pointed out, surprising Tom with her support.

"Well, maybe what you need is an outside perspective." the alien woman countered.

Tom rubbed his eyes, tying to sink into the padding of his seat, when he heard a new voice pipe up, recognizing the high pitched, fast paced chattering of a Salarian. "Greetings again! Tellana, thank you for the drink, owe you much! Dancing exhausting! Air too hot! Other species body heat too high - disperses around the room."

"Kadash! So good to see you!" Tom exclaimed. If there ever was a time when he needed to talk to someone whose species didn't know the concept of romance, it was now.

"Tom! Great to see you, made it fine I see. The atmosphere not the same without you! Others were doubting, saying you would 'ditch' us! Glad they were wrong!" the slim, amphibian humanoid proclaimed, his large eyes focusing on Tom. Everyone at the table suddenly felt the urge to take a sip while staring at nothing in particular. "How's the new audiosystem? Sold out I see - would have it with you if not! You would never leave behind new gadget. Such shame! Wanted to ask your opinion. Considering buying myself! Better luck next time!"

"Say, where did you leave Kevin?" Marrissa asked, scanning the dance floor behind them.

"Last I've seen with Stephen. Trying to talk out of pursuing the Asari. Lad seemed stricken! Never seen so sad! Or perhaps drunk. Sometimes hard to tell with Humans!" Kadash explained, but he too took a nervous look around.

As if on cue, a commotion at the bar got their attention, a small crowd of various species arranged around a Human man holding a slender vial in his hands. A suspiciously familiar Human. He raised the vial up and downed it in one go. A cheer rose up from the crowd as he set the empty glass down at the bar, then fell back straight to the ground.

"Oh no! Warned him not to drink ryncol! Not meant for Humans! Need to get him fluids! Or perhaps coffin..." the alien stammered, rushing off to aid the downed man.

"We should make sure he's fine." Marrissa said and got up from her seat, dragging a confused Ed along like a comet's tail. The whole crowd seemed to be trying to help, passing around a glass of water and a towel. Between the three friends, concerned strangers and a barman who didn't seem worried at all, Tom elected to not get in the way, watching from the booth as Kevin was dragged aside, raising a weak hand to show thumbs up. A new cheer erupted among the onlookers.