Mean Girls Reunion 02

2003

Writers come up with 'meet cutes' all the time with future soul mates colliding into each other. No matter how big a mess they make, it's all adorable and romantic, or snarky if they hate each other at first.

So it was ironic that I bumped into a writer in this way. But this wasn't like the movies. When I ran into Tina Fey and spilled our food and drinks on both of us, there was no romantic cliché or even snark. Hell, I panicked and ran off to the wardrobe department before she could yell.

When I got some new shirts for her, I ran to her office in my still wet clothes. I knocked on the door and dared to say, "Mrs. Fey? You can put these on, if you want." I barely opened the door and held the shirts out, looking away and expecting her to take them.

"What are you doing?" I heard behind the door. "You don't need to hold those like crosses. Hell, if I was a shirt vampire and I blew up, that door would not protect you, pal." I knew she made a living with jokes, but I hardly expected her to keep....working then.

"Come on in. The prop girls beat you to it, anyway," Tina called out. After a second, I stepped inside and saw she was on the level. Tina was at her desk, wearing a new blue shirt to replace the one I ruined, making my borrowed shirts obsolete.

Nevertheless, I didn't use that to get me out of apologizing. "I am so sorry anyway, Mrs. Fey," I started. I wouldn't finish by saying thoughts of a half-naked Lacey Chabert helped me barge into her without looking. Instead, I said, "You can still yell at me if you want. If you cursed me out while changing, you can still give me the Best of moments."

"Nah. They wouldn't even fill out a commercial parody," Tina shrugged off. "Besides, you put me in that one-woman wet blazer contest at the right time. I was all cursed out about other stuff already. Fine tuning my first movie script, acting for the first time on film without a desk, those kinda things."

"Well, I don't hear anyone else cursing it out," I felt the need to assure. "Not even behind your back. Ironic for this movie, I know."

"Don't worry, the Internet should make up for that later," Tina replied. "Blogs are basically R-rated burn books."

"And you write far better stuff than real and Internet burn books. So their weaker stuff shouldn't be that hurtful or clever. Plus you got a big head start to think ahead of them," I worked out.

"Yeah, if you want to make me all big headed about it," Tina conceded. "Some days that is a nice change of pace."

"I guess it happens to the best of us," I said truthfully. I even went far enough to include, "At least I have that in common with the best. Aside from you guys being far ahead on good days."

"Wait, I thought you were just on the crew," Tina asked, looking really interested. "I didn't know you were....chasing the likes of me."

"Not yet. I'd like to someday, though. If it's possible to go from crewman to the writer's room," I said, then reached into my pocket and added, "Just in case, I came prepared with my own writer's glasses. Handy tool, I've noticed."

After I pulled out my writer's glasses, Tina -- whose own famed glasses were on her desk -- commented, "You didn't carry those around all day, just in case you could make a glasses joke at me. Right?"

"I haven't written enough to be that clever," I answered.

"Then let's hope you never have to," Tina joked -- I hoped she did. Yet she took her own glasses, reached out and tapped them with mine, like they were champagne glasses. "To being clever."

I couldn't help but laugh at her proving it, and she did the same. Although we both probably had work to do, Tina didn't kick me out, and I kept talking so she didn't have room to. But she did seem to like hearing about my aspirations and love of the business, and I ate up a few of her writer's room anecdotes. Given my time as an SNL fan -- and fans of hers for three years already -- I was certainly pleased to hear them.

However, her office phone rang in the middle of her third one, and she didn't look too pleased during the call. She hung up and sighed, "Sorry, writer turned actress business."

"Okay," I said, trying not to feel greedy after this much time with her. "At least you made sure you'll be clean when you do it. At least before you get there."

Tina paused when she should have left. "You know, you could have tripped in the middle of a heart attack finding this stuff," she gestured to the shirts I'd found, which I'd put on the nearest couch. "The least I can do is honor your almost sacrifice."

With that, Tina took the white shirt and purple blazer in my pile of outfits. Before I knew it, she was starting to take off her old new shirt, and I turned around just in time. I barely held back a sardonic laugh over being this close to a shirtless star again.

But this time, she knew I was there -- and she knowingly took her shirt off near me. Weird, given that she was a married woman. And yet when I thought about it, it made me feel....almost on par with what a half naked Lacey made me feel. Despite how Lacey was far more....filled out. Yet I'd actually gotten to talk to and enjoy myself around Tina. If that made a difference.

Tina made another difference by coughing, which made me stop my mental ramblings and turn around. With her new ensemble on, she topped it off by putting her glasses back on and saying, "There, ready for messy battle. Feel free to make that sound cooler in your autobiography."

"I'll try," I promised. "Go get em. And, um, thanks," I somewhat stumbled.

"You too," she said without stumbling. I got caught up and reached halfway for a hug, but stopped myself. Yet Tina rolled her eyes -- not in the fed up, comical way she'd later perfect -- and closed the gap.

I hugged her back for the first second. In the next second, I turned and my lips brushed her cheek, without pressing against it. In the next quarter of a second, I thought about pressing.

In the next, I broke off and left without looking back. In the next several, I kept walking forward and hoped yet again I wouldn't be kicked off the lot soon.

January 13, 2014

It was the day after the Golden Globes, as the Internet was flooded with clips of Tina and Amy Poehler's bits as hosts, for the second year in a row. While bloggers laughed with Tina from afar, I would get the chance to do it in person, if I was lucky.

I was lucky to get hold of her agent before the weekend, and lucky to make a deal to see Tina after the Globes -- if she wasn't too tired. If she wasn't, she would let me come to her hotel room, which she had for one more day before leaving LA. If not, I'd just have to try and do this over the phone later.

Not wanting to call directly, just in case, I went to her hotel and asked the front desk if Mrs. Fey was still expecting me. After the clerk made a call, he confirmed that she was. So I felt safe to take the elevator and head for her room door.

Once I knocked a few times, I stood back and stayed still -- until I heard the doorknob turn. The door itself opened to reveal Tina, clad in a blue blouse and jeans, instead of her various tight dresses on the Globes stage. She also had her glasses on, just like I did.

"Tell me you didn't wear those glasses in case I wore mine. Your memory can't be that big," I broke the ice, trying not to hint that I'd done the same -- and that my memory was that big. Since I didn't have a seven-year TV show, No. 1 book and tons of Emmys to block out one afternoon 11 years ago.

"I guess I'm just too clever for you," Tina said. I could only chuckle in awed surprise and enter the room. After closing the door, I wasn't sure how to officially greet her, but I almost heard Tina say, "This worked before," before giving me a brief hug.

I made sure to keep my lips away from her head, and Tina made no commentary. This helped me settle down and compliment her on the Globes, and everything else she'd done since 2003. After buttering her up quite accurately, we got to business.

"I'm sorry I didn't get back to you in person. Award shows, writing jokes about Clooney's posse and slavery movies. Turns out they take up some time," Tina jabbed.

"Of course. I know I'm probably lucky to see you now," I recalled. "You could have rested, headed home already or read your Internet reviews."

"I researched those burn books enough for my own book, thanks," Tina replied, showing weird memory again. "Besides, I wanted to hear about this big reunion of yours in person."

"And take part of it in person?" I jumped ahead of myself. "I mean, I know you must have a billion other things to do. Professionally and personally. I think we can do this in late February or early March, but if that doesn't work for you...."

"My next pilot's a month away from being ready. No one really works for me right now," Tina pointed out. "I can find any time I want. Just tell me when the girls are available and I'll fit it in."

Now I had to add, "Actually, I only have one girl so far. I couldn't land Rachel, but I got Lacey. I'm gonna talk to Lizzy and Amanda after you, then of course..." I danced around Lindsay again. "So there's still a chance this won't happen."

"Well, if it does, I'll be there," Tina promised. "Just send me the first few drafts of your story. For prosperity and entertainment's sake."

Now I had to add as well, "I don't know if I can. I mean, I'm setting this thing up, but I'm not a writer for the magazine. Someone else will probably do the interview part. I'm still catching up to the big shots....but maybe some of them will take notice if I do this."

"I'm sure they should. I say that as a spokesperson for big shots myself," Tina reminded. "Of course, our gang doesn't always have the best hours. You should know that going in."

At that, Tina started rambling more. "I mean, look at me. I survived another grind through the Globes, and I should be exhausted. I mean, I am, but I'm still pumped, too. But there's nothing to do until I go home tomorrow, for once, and I have nothing to help me come down. I guess that's why it's good you're here. That and getting back on paper they kill trees for."

"Anything I can do to help," I offered.

"This has been a nice anything so far. Let's stick with what works," Tina reasoned.

So like we had a decade ago, we fell into a pattern of talking and swapping stories for an hour. I had slightly more to offer than last time, but of course, she had dozens more. By the time she finished another Sarah Palin related anecdote, we were sitting right next to each other on the couch.

"Any more relaxed now?" I had to check.

"Getting there," Tina said. "I used to have this quiet time thing down to a science, you know. Had less people interested in wrecking the formula. But family and Hollywood have a way of making you rusty, even after 15 years." She shrugged it off and added, "Ah, I've had worse detox moments. This is nothing you'd put in the third act of an Oscar movie. Maybe the second act of a bad one."

"Would casting Joaquin Phoenix as me have saved it?" I jested.

"Nah. Even his fake crazy can do so much," she answered. "At least you didn't have to grow a beard."

Maybe she kissed me on the cheek to make that joke land better. I thought that for a second, and blocked out other thoughts, until she said, "Didn't have to taste beard hair, but now we're even anyway. Well, I guess I'm technically ahead."

"You.....oh, yeah," it sunk in. "So you remember I....didn't go any further."

"I know. You didn't even peek when I....forgot I wasn't changing alone," Tina reminded me too.

Since she knew I wasn't a pervert, I didn't have to defend myself. I then wondered if part of her was offended that I wouldn't check her out. It was unlikely, but she was probably still dismissed as just a dorky fake news girl in 2003. Of course, she didn't look like a dork at last year's Emmys, or last night's Globes. Or in that office 10 years ago. Or right now. Or when she kissed me.

We both stayed in silence as I got lost in those memories -- until I felt something inside of my pants.

Fuck. She probably saw the front of my pants move too. Fucking hell, I wasn't even that reckless with Lacey at first. How wasn't I that reckless with Lacey? How would Lacey Chabert make me less reckless than Tina Fey?

Okay, that came out way wrong in my head. Lacey drove me plenty wild enough anyway. Tina was just doing it by being a long time idol, long time crush, someone great to talk to and learn from, and being a legitimately beautiful woman. Different tactics, same end result, really.

Well, it couldn't be the exact end result with Tina that it was with Lacey. Right?

Somehow, this gave me the guts to turn and look at Tina. She'd been staring at me, and probably had while I was thinking everything over. She looked still, but deep in thought -- yet her glasses made it easier to detect a hint of desire in her eyes.

Nope. It wasn't the glasses. Not when she started to smile, took them off and made that hint look deeper.

I should have been a gentlemen and talked a married woman with two kids out of....looking like that. However, despite all our words, I was starting to feel talked out. I instinctively reached for my glasses to take them off too, but Tina took my hand and said, "Is it okay if you're the nerd?"

I couldn't help but snort out a laugh, which helped break the tension. Since she was the queen of nerds, I knew she wasn't being demeaning -- and maybe it turned her on to be the more glamorous one. Which she already was regardless.

Especially when she leaned in and kissed my lips this time.

Tina's kiss was gentle and a little tentative, so when she broke it, I went right back in myself. It felt like it did the trick, as she settled in more and moved her lips over mine. I became the tentative one and put my hand on her shoulder, yet she put her hand on the back of my neck and settled me down.

Before long, my hand went to her cheek as our mouths opened. The initial awkwardness was gone, as evidenced by our bodies pressing together -- and my even more noticeable bulge pressing against her jeans. This made Tina moan into my mouth and run a hand down my chest as our tongues rubbed each other faster.

When we broke, Tina pressed me against the arm of the couch, leaving little room between us. She still used that room to go further down my upper body, stopping at my belt. I went up and kissed her neck to give myself something else to do.

Yet I still babbled and said, "God, I've crushed on you for so long...." Slightly embarrassed, I tried kissing her neck deeper to distract her -- but when she unzipped my pants, I admitted, "Even before we met...." That earned me the honor of Tina reaching into my pants.

My hands barely stayed steady around her waist, while her left hand rubbed the back of my head and her right took a hold of my erection. As she started her hand job, I realized my hands had to do more. Therefore, they began to unbutton Tina's blouse.

My lips kept busy by kissing hers, letting me feel her tongue in my mouth and her thumb over my cock head all at once. She even rubbed my underside and made me groan harder, then pumped me even faster. She was truly good at this....maybe too good.

I broke the kisses and opened up Tina's unbuttoned blouse, revealing a simple but flattering purple bra. I caught a glimpse of a white one 10 years ago, so I supposed she wasn't doing an NC-17 reenactment after all. I hardly cared when Tina's hand went even faster, but grasped me much softer.

Her hand job, her chest and this being Tina Fey in general was doing a real number on me. I hid the effect on my face by putting it against her chest, then moving down to kiss her bra cup. At that point, her free hand went down to my balls as she stroked and rubbed the very top of my shaft, making me moan onto her breast.

Tina moaned too and pulled my face up to kiss me deeper. Once her hands went back on my cock and balls, she pulled them and made me lay down on top of her on the couch. She kept kissing me all the way and rubbing my head and underside, which made me tip right over.

I got my upper body up and started to warn Tina, but it was too late. I came on her stomach, bra and parts of her blouse before all was said and done.

"Dag, look at this!" Tina said as she saw her stained bra and blouse. "All night without spilling wine, and this happens!" There were so many ancient jokes to make about cum on a blue blouse, but we were both too clever for that. And too embarrassed.

I stayed on the couch as Tina took her blouse off and got up, looking to clean herself off. I was left with a hanging, flaccid cock that blew it, in good and bad ways. Tina took her bra off and tried to pad it and her blouse with tissue paper, and I waited until she finished to say, "I can go now."

Tina just looked at me, even studying parts other than my resting cock. Eventually, this made her take a water bottle, go over to me and use it to squirt my shirt wet. "There. Now we have solidarity," she concluded.

"Yeah....yeah this is the same thing," I deadpanned, a little annoyed but a little encouraged.

Tina paused and looked serious again, even with a bare chest and jeans still on. She then stated, "Look, if we got that far and stopped....it'll be even more awkward when we meet again for the story. Hell, I'm more awkward now because you left me hanging." That's right, I did only work on the upper regions....

"I mean, sure I could kick you out for....staining my clothes again," Tina said, making me see the irony for the first time. "But would you really be making it up to me? You went above and beyond to help me last time, even when you were embarrassed. Least you could do is try again."

Both of us knew she didn't want me to get new clothes this time. I let that wash over me, thanked anyone who manipulated this up above, then said out loud, "I do owe you one. If one is all you want." Before she could answer that, I finally removed my wet shirt and echoed her earlier, "Solidarity, right?"

Tina rolled her eyes -- again playfully and not in a Liz Lemon way -- and corrected, "Not quite." With my cock still hanging out of my jeans, Tina took that as a cue to unbuckle hers and take them off.

Now that she was standing in just her panties, I could truly take in just how beautiful she was. Giving birth to two children had had its effects, but as her Emmys and Globes dresses showed off -- and as her nude form did as well -- she still had a wonderful hourglass figure to show off. Her hips and ass were curvy and firm, her legs were long and gorgeous, and her breasts still looked like a perfect handful while bare -- and not popping out of a blue Emmys dress.

Given how others questioned her beauty before, and how she'd hid/underplayed it for laughs on TV for years, I wondered if I'd come off as condescending for making note of it -- like it was a surprise. However, I looked into her eyes and settled for saying, "Perfect," -- and the way they darkened told me I made the right call.

I made a better call by dropping my pants to resume solidarity. I topped myself by walking over in my underwear and kissing her. Somehow, I got better by putting my hands around her waist and enjoying her figure.

Soon we were kissing and stroking each other's tongues as deep as before. But this time I had the foresight to move our location. I looked around for the bedroom door, yet Tina pointed to it first -- though I then led the way to it. When we got in, we walked towards the bed and I took the plunge to lower Tina down.

"So you want me to go above and beyond?" I reminded her. To answer my own question, I laid on top of her and drifted my left hand down to her panties. Once it got there, my right hand took a hold of her right breast just as my mouth got there.

My fingers creeped to the edge of her underwear while my tongue played with the edge of her nipple. After my lips got around it, I teased her opening while my right thumb teased underneath her boob. As I started to hear Tina groan, I pulled her panties down just enough, then palmed her exposed genitals and rubbed them down.