"Tell me you didn't choose me because...because of us?" Kaidan said, his tone pleading.
Shepard shot him a warning look that told him to shut up. This was not the time or place for that conversation. The crew shuffled into the com room and sat in their usual seats, eyes on the floor, silent. Shepard guessed they wanted to avoid looking at Ashley's empty chair. The absence of the usual chatter was deafening. Shepard pulled up the vidcom and dialed up Anderson. She gave him the rundown, left no detail unsaid. When she got to the part about leaving Ashley behind, she choked on her words. It felt unreal. Shepard knew she would have to face an inquiry about this. That's how it always was when you lost someone under your command.
'I have to call her parents...' Shepard thought, a bitter taste rising in her throat.
"Sounds like you did everything you could," Anderson said, calm as always.
Shepard nodded, but the lump growing in her throat prevented her from speaking. She could hear someone, Liara or Tali, crying behind her.
"Send me your report," Anderson said, "but get some rest first. Anderson out." His holograph image faded away.
Shepard swallowed and took a deep breath before turning around to face her crew. "I need your mission reports by 2200 hours tonight," she said in a hoarse whisper, "Dismissed."
Kaidan remained seated as the squad dispersed, all looking eager to get out of their sweaty armor. Soon, Shepard and Kaidan were the only ones left in the big, round room.
"Have something you'd like to discuss, Lieutenant?" Shepard asked, without looking at him. She knew what Kaidan wanted to discusss. He'd been close with Ashley, and he probably felt guilty for being the one to survive. She'd have to set up grief counselling for him, as well as the other crew, but right now Shepard just did not want to face reality. She just wanted to be alone, to take a scalding shower and then sleep for a year.
"Tell me that Williams is not dead because of me, because of us?" Kaidan said.
"Of course not," Shepard said, "why would you think that?"
Kaidan jumped out of his seat, knocking his chair over in the process, "How could I not think that? She was the obvious choice, Shepard. Why did you choose me?"
"I don't have to justify my decisions to you," Shepard said as she paced across the room and looked out the window, at the silent stars passing by the window. Stars that Ash would never see again, because of her.
The lump in her throat grew bigger, and she leaned her forehead against the cold glass. "You're dismissed, Lieutenant," she said.
"It was because of us, then?"
Bile rose in Shepard's throat as she rounded on him, grabbed him by the front of his armor, and pulled him down so his face was level with hers. "You have some fucking nerve," she spat, "I could kick you off my ship for insubordination, you know that?"
"Just tell me," Kaidan pleaded. His face was stark white, his brown eyes large and round and too honest. "Just tell me why you chose me, please. Ash was a great soldier, talented, young. It should have been me, Shepard. She was only twenty-five." His voice broke on the last word as a tear rolled down his cheek and splashed onto her hand, "it should have been me."
"And you're only thirty-two," Shepard shouted. She didn't mean to yell at him, but she was so tired and frustrated and angry for having to make this decision, that she couldn't help it. "You are the superior officer, a talented biotic, and you had to arm the bomb. I had to make damn sure that bomb went off, Saren could not be allowed win," Shepard yanked him closer so their noses almost touched, "that's why I chose you. This was my decision. Ash's death is on me, not you. You got that?"
Shepard didn't know how it happened. One second, she was staring into Kaidan's tear-filled eyes, and the next, Kaidan had closed the distance between them and had pressed his lips onto hers. For a few seconds, Shepard was too shocked to react.
'What is he doing? We can't do this. Don't do this. Not here, not now,' the thoughts ran through her mind faster than a varren at a race track.
Shepard pushed all of her thoughts away, wrapped her arms around Kaidan's neck and returned the kiss with force. A fire ignited in her chest, spread into her stomach and crept down between her legs. Kaidan's tongue flicked past her lips in search of her own, and she opened her mouth to allow him access. Kaidan moaned into her mouth, a barely audible noise that made a shiver run up Shepard's spine.
'Dammit, I'm in trouble.'
For half a second, Shepard considered pulling away. She tried, but Kaidan pulled her closer, pressed his mouth against hers in a kind of desperation, and Shepard couldn't do it. She fisted one hand in Kaidan's hair and pushed herself against him harder. Kaidan was attempting to pry open the latch on her armor, fumbling around hastily. Shepard helped him with it, without breaking the tight seal their lips had made. Her chest plate clanged to the floor, and the feeling of cold air on sweaty skin caused her to erupt into goosebumps. Then he was ripping off the plates that covered her legs, leaving her mostly naked. Kaidan's hands found her breasts, cupping them and squeezing them through her tank top. Shepard gave an appreciative moan, and did her part in removing his armor.
Kaidan grabbed her around the middle and lifted her, which caused Shepard to wrap her legs around his waist for balance. He backed her up against the wall and pinned her there, kissing her earlobe. Shepard's breath caught in her throat. Kaidan's mouth left a trail of fire on her skin wherever he touched her. His hand slid down her body and disappeared into the front of her shorts. Shepard arched her back as an involuntary moan escaped her throat.
"Kaidan," she gasped.
Her whole body ached with unsatisfied desire, the result of months upon months of flirting, coy smiles and light touches. Kaidan's fingers found her opening, and he slid two fingers inside her as his thumb brushed over her clit. Shepard bit her lip to stop herself from crying out.
