Mass Effect Why Me

"Tell me you didn't choose me because...because of us?" Kaidan said, his tone pleading.

Shepard shot him a warning look that told him to shut up. This was not the time or place for that conversation. The crew shuffled into the com room and sat in their usual seats, eyes on the floor, silent. Shepard guessed they wanted to avoid looking at Ashley's empty chair. The absence of the usual chatter was deafening. Shepard pulled up the vidcom and dialed up Anderson. She gave him the rundown, left no detail unsaid. When she got to the part about leaving Ashley behind, she choked on her words. It felt unreal. Shepard knew she would have to face an inquiry about this. That's how it always was when you lost someone under your command.

'I have to call her parents...' Shepard thought, a bitter taste rising in her throat.

"Sounds like you did everything you could," Anderson said, calm as always.

Shepard nodded, but the lump growing in her throat prevented her from speaking. She could hear someone, Liara or Tali, crying behind her.

"Send me your report," Anderson said, "but get some rest first. Anderson out." His holograph image faded away.

Shepard swallowed and took a deep breath before turning around to face her crew. "I need your mission reports by 2200 hours tonight," she said in a hoarse whisper, "Dismissed."

Kaidan remained seated as the squad dispersed, all looking eager to get out of their sweaty armor. Soon, Shepard and Kaidan were the only ones left in the big, round room.

"Have something you'd like to discuss, Lieutenant?" Shepard asked, without looking at him. She knew what Kaidan wanted to discusss. He'd been close with Ashley, and he probably felt guilty for being the one to survive. She'd have to set up grief counselling for him, as well as the other crew, but right now Shepard just did not want to face reality. She just wanted to be alone, to take a scalding shower and then sleep for a year.

"Tell me that Williams is not dead because of me, because of us?" Kaidan said.

"Of course not," Shepard said, "why would you think that?"

Kaidan jumped out of his seat, knocking his chair over in the process, "How could I not think that? She was the obvious choice, Shepard. Why did you choose me?"

"I don't have to justify my decisions to you," Shepard said as she paced across the room and looked out the window, at the silent stars passing by the window. Stars that Ash would never see again, because of her.

The lump in her throat grew bigger, and she leaned her forehead against the cold glass. "You're dismissed, Lieutenant," she said.

"It was because of us, then?"

Bile rose in Shepard's throat as she rounded on him, grabbed him by the front of his armor, and pulled him down so his face was level with hers. "You have some fucking nerve," she spat, "I could kick you off my ship for insubordination, you know that?"

"Just tell me," Kaidan pleaded. His face was stark white, his brown eyes large and round and too honest. "Just tell me why you chose me, please. Ash was a great soldier, talented, young. It should have been me, Shepard. She was only twenty-five." His voice broke on the last word as a tear rolled down his cheek and splashed onto her hand, "it should have been me."

"And you're only thirty-two," Shepard shouted. She didn't mean to yell at him, but she was so tired and frustrated and angry for having to make this decision, that she couldn't help it. "You are the superior officer, a talented biotic, and you had to arm the bomb. I had to make damn sure that bomb went off, Saren could not be allowed win," Shepard yanked him closer so their noses almost touched, "that's why I chose you. This was my decision. Ash's death is on me, not you. You got that?"

Shepard didn't know how it happened. One second, she was staring into Kaidan's tear-filled eyes, and the next, Kaidan had closed the distance between them and had pressed his lips onto hers. For a few seconds, Shepard was too shocked to react.

'What is he doing? We can't do this. Don't do this. Not here, not now,' the thoughts ran through her mind faster than a varren at a race track.

Shepard pushed all of her thoughts away, wrapped her arms around Kaidan's neck and returned the kiss with force. A fire ignited in her chest, spread into her stomach and crept down between her legs. Kaidan's tongue flicked past her lips in search of her own, and she opened her mouth to allow him access. Kaidan moaned into her mouth, a barely audible noise that made a shiver run up Shepard's spine.

'Dammit, I'm in trouble.'

For half a second, Shepard considered pulling away. She tried, but Kaidan pulled her closer, pressed his mouth against hers in a kind of desperation, and Shepard couldn't do it. She fisted one hand in Kaidan's hair and pushed herself against him harder. Kaidan was attempting to pry open the latch on her armor, fumbling around hastily. Shepard helped him with it, without breaking the tight seal their lips had made. Her chest plate clanged to the floor, and the feeling of cold air on sweaty skin caused her to erupt into goosebumps. Then he was ripping off the plates that covered her legs, leaving her mostly naked. Kaidan's hands found her breasts, cupping them and squeezing them through her tank top. Shepard gave an appreciative moan, and did her part in removing his armor.

Kaidan grabbed her around the middle and lifted her, which caused Shepard to wrap her legs around his waist for balance. He backed her up against the wall and pinned her there, kissing her earlobe. Shepard's breath caught in her throat. Kaidan's mouth left a trail of fire on her skin wherever he touched her. His hand slid down her body and disappeared into the front of her shorts. Shepard arched her back as an involuntary moan escaped her throat.

"Kaidan," she gasped.

Her whole body ached with unsatisfied desire, the result of months upon months of flirting, coy smiles and light touches. Kaidan's fingers found her opening, and he slid two fingers inside her as his thumb brushed over her clit. Shepard bit her lip to stop herself from crying out.

"Kaidan," Shepard repeated, unable to say anything else.

'Tell him why you picked him. Tell him how you feel about him, and that you picked him because you couldn't have a life without him in it anymore.'

Instead of saying any of that, Shepard squeezed her legs tighter around his waist, urging his fingers in deeper. Kaidan buried his face into her neck, kissing, sucking and biting at the soft flesh of her neck. Shepard dug her fingernails into his shoulders, unable to stop herself from moaning out loud now.

"Mmm," Kaidan hummed, into her neck, he moved his fingers faster, his thumb making circles over her clit. Shepard couldn't take it anymore. She pushed Kaidan away, made him take his hand out of her shorts. Using his hips for leverage, she reached one hand down the front of his boxers and gripped the shaft of his cock.

It was Kaidan's turn to moan now. Shepard moved her fist up and down his length, stroking him to his full length, and he lifted his head again to kiss her on the mouth. Shepard could taste the slightly salty taste of sweat on his lips. Both of them were breathing fast and hard. Shepard gripped Kaidan's cock with a firm hand, stroking him slowly. Kaidan bucked his hips upwards into her hand, urging her for more. After a while, Kaidan backed away and forced Shepard's shorts lower. She kicked herself free of them. Kaidan slammed her against the wall again, almost too hard.

Shepard positioned herself above Kaidan's cock. She could feel the tip of him poised to enter her, and she opened her eyes to look at him for the first time. His eyebrows were knit together in a tight line, as if he was concentrating on something, his eyes slightly narrowed. Kaidan held her gaze for a second, and despite her better judgement, Shepard gave him a slight nod to continue.

Kaidan slid into her, soft and slow, at the same time a molten tear slid down Shepard's face.

'I hate him. I hate him so much.'

At that moment, it was true. Shepard hated his eyes, she hated the five o'clock shadow that was stinging her face; she hated his laugh, his voice, his scent. Mostly though, she hated him for making her feel this way, so out of control of her own emotions. Shepard buried her face into his neck as he filled her up, thrusting into her. It felt just as good and just as perfect as she always thought it would. She hated him for that, too.

Kaidan groaned against her, his pace slow, yet somehow rough and desperate. Shepard moved her hips in time with his, forcing him in deeper. Their bodies slapped together, and she hoped to god nobody was hovering outside the door. Kaidan bit into the skin on her shoulder to muffle the sounds escaping his throat.

The heat in Shepard's stomach felt like an inferno. She tightened her legs around Kaidan's waist, tangled her fingers in his hair. She allowed her head to roll backwards as more tears rolled down her cheeks. Kaidan's pace was becoming faster, more insistent.

"I can't...go much longer," he admitted, breathless.

Shepard nodded, her own climax not far off either. She urged him to move faster, deeper, as she clenched her muscles around his cock. Kaidan obliged, slamming every inch of himself into her. He bit into her neck harder, as if it was the only thing holding him back.

"I'm close," she told him, and he moved even faster.

Shepard's entire body was tingling with a white-hot fire. Stars burst in front of her eyes as all her muscles tensed and released as an orgasm flooded her body. She cried out at her peak, calling his name over and over again. More tears were spilling out of her eyes, but there was nothing she could do to stop it. Two more rough, deep thrusts and Kaidan came with a yell into her neck. Shepard rode it out, thrusting her hips in time with his spasms.

Finally, Kaidan collapsed onto her, pinning her against the wall by his weight. Shepard could feel his breath ragged against her skin, and she bit into the heel of her hand to stifle her now uncontrollable sobs.

'Ashley is dead because of you, and you just fucked your Lieutenant.'

After a while Kaidan straightened up and lowered her to the floor. Shepard turned away from him and wiped her cheeks, embarrassed by her lack of control.

"Shepard..." Kaidan started, as if anything he could say could fix what she had done.

Shepard began to pick up her discarded articles of clothing. "Don't, Kaidan," she said.

"It's not your fault," Kaidan said.

"Yes it is," Shepard said, as she pulled her shorts back on, "and don't you ever think otherwise. This is my burden, not yours."

Kaidan seized her elbow, trying to turn her around to face him. Shepard refused to let him.

'This is not okay. We can't have just fucked in the com room.'

"I love you," Kaidan's voice was so quiet Shepard barely heard him.

Shepard pulled her arm from him and scooped up her armor. "Well, don't," she said, and left the room.