Lost and Delirious: the Aftermath

***Webmaster / Poster Please Note: The following section is a bunch of inline comment drivel. It should be offset from the rest of the story. Italics would be nice. Thanks much. WF***

I was going to post this on a fan fic site, but it's too dirty for most of them, and I don't really trust the forum-based ones. So, it's going here, instead.

Disclaimer:

This story takes place within the universe depicted in the movie Lost and Delirious. I do not own the characters, or the settings, or the original story. They are the property of Lea Pool, Judith Thompson, and any number of other people I've never heard of.

I was not paid for this submission, and I don't expect to get any money from this, or any other of my writing.

The story is intended only as a tribute and an outlet for my unrelenting obsession with this movie and its characters. It is my first attempt at a sequel, although there may be others, with other timelines.

Warning: if you haven't seen the movie, but plan to, don't read this. There are several spoilers. It is not necessary for you to see the movie to understand or appreciate the story, but it would help flesh out the background details. Plus it's a great movie, particularily if you like sapphic cinema and / or coming of age stories.

Finally, this is a love letter to one of the most fascinating, passionate, unreal, tragic characters to ever grace a movie screen. RIP, Paulie Oster.

PS: The "voice" of the story is my attempt to capture the voice of the original movie's narrator, as written by Judith Thompson and portrayed on screen by Mischa Barton. It's a stylistic device. Take that for what it's worth when you critique me.

***End of "comments" section***

Excerpts from the personal diary of Mary "Mouse" Bedford.

Saturday, April 28

Paulie's gone. She's dead. I still can't believe it. I keep replaying the day, in my mind, over and over. I'm so tired. But I can't sleep. When I close my eyes, all I see is her. Stabbing Jake in the leg with the sword. Standing on the library roof. Lying on the ground, like a broken doll. So much blood.

Why, Paulie? Why didn't you talk to me? Why did you run away from me? You know you run faster than I do. I tried to catch up. I tried. But it wasn't enough. Everything I could do, and it wasn't enough.

And now you're gone. I can't believe the pain. It hurts so much I feel like I can't breathe. Paulie!

Monday, April 30

I couldn't really write anything yesterday. I guess the shock wore off. It was like being a zombie, I guess. Walking around with this sheet of pain between me and the world.

I dreamt of Paulie last night. She stood up on the roof, with the sun over her shoulder and the raptor circling around her. She cried out to the sky, and her words fell to the ground like heavy rain drops. She raised herself up, and then she was suspended for a second, not yet falling, but not standing on the roof anymore. She looked into my eyes for a fleeting moment, and a single tear rolled down her cheek. Then she fell, and the raptor carried her soul to heaven.

I miss you, Paulie. I know you're somewhere better now, somewhere where your light can shine pure. I love you.

Tuesday, May 1

Tori just sits on her bed all the time. She doesn't do anything. She doesn't say anything. I don't know what she's thinking.

I've been watching her. Talking to Miss Vaughn, the police, her parents. She was always sad, tired, but she stuck to her story. Every question they asked, she answered the same way. She told them that Paulie was in love with her, that she felt sorry for Paulie. They told her about Jake, and she was genuinely shocked. She put her hand over her mouth and made an 'Oh' face. She hasn't gone to see him yet. I don't know if she will.

When the police asked me, I told the same story she did. I don't know why. Maybe it's for Tori. I don't know.

I think Miss Vaughn knows. Or maybe just suspects. She's been watching Tori, and her eyes are sad. She watches me, too, and I don't know, but I think she's disappointed. Maybe she expected me to tell the truth. Maybe I should have. But when the policeman asked, I could feel Tori's eyes on me. Not pleading. Just watching. She would have denied it.

The Osters came and picked up Paulie's...picked up Paulie. They seemed like nice people, but I don't really remember them. Mr. Oster actually appologized to Tori. She told him she had forgiven Paulie. She even smiled at him. Forgiven Paulie. She is so cold sometimes.

I know she knows I watch her. I feel like I should talk to her. But I don't know what to say. And I don't want to. She is so beautiful, and we all always do what she wants us to, even when we don't want to. I think I might hate her.

Thursday, May 3

We had a memorial for Paulie today. Everyone was there, and everyone was uncomfortable. I could see Miss Vaughn watching me, watching Tori. I think she wants to say something, too, but I don't think she knows what to say. Tori cried. Was it real? How do I know anymore? Which Tori is the real Tori?

I want to tell someone. I want to tell them the whole story, beginning to end. But who do I tell? Who would even believe me?

All these questions, and no answers. Tori just sits there. She stares straight ahead, and I don't know what she sees. She hasn't gone to see Jake. At least I don't think she has.

Saturday, May 4

Oh my God, it's only been a week. It feels like a year. God, Paulie, I miss you so much.

Tori went to see Jake, in the hospital. She told me she was going. She stood and looked at me when she said it, waiting for a reaction. I just said, ok. What was I supposed to say? I know she wants to talk to me, but I really don't care right now. I just wonder if any of us are ever going to be all right again.

Tuesday, May 7

I wasn't going to write this down. But I have to. I have to get it out of my head, somehow. I'm sorry, Paulie. I know you wanted it to be our secret. I have to.

She was just so lonely. So lost without Tori. Like a different person. Tori was so cold to her, so cruel. Talking about her boyfriend where Paulie could hear. Telling her they were "good friends". Paulie took it like stab wounds to her heart, and she kept coming back for more.

Most nights, Tori didn't come back until late. She would be out with Jake, or in one of the other dorms, talking to her girly friends. It was just Paulie and me, and she usually had little to say. She would lie in bed, smoking, or reading. We would turn in early.

At first, I thought she was just cold. I used to see her, lying face down on her bed, shivering. Then, one time, I heard her, and I knew she was crying. She cried herself to sleep. Every night. Quietly, so I wouldn't hear. So no one would.

I tried to pretend I didn't know, because I knew she didn't want anyone to know. But, after a couple of days, I just couldn't stand it. I got up, and I went over to her bed, very quietly. I put my hand on her back, and I felt her go a little stiff. I tried to pull my arm back, and she just grabbed it and held it against her. So I lay down next to her, pressing against her, and she started to cry again, not hiding it this time.

I reached up with my hand and stroked her hair. After a while, she rolled over so we were face to face. She looked at me, through her tears. She reached over and touched my face, my cheek, my lips. Then she pulled my head towards hers. She kissed me. It was soft, gentle.

Then she realized what she was doing. She broke the kiss, and she looked away. She said, 'I'm sorry, Mouse.' And I told her it was ok, that if this would help with the pain, that I was all right with it. She looked me in the eye, and asked if I was sure, and I said yes, if you need this, go ahead.

She kissed me again. It was different. Hungry. She put her tongue in my mouth and I let her. Then she started to touch me. Her hands were soft and warm, and she knew how and where to touch. She kissed me all over, all over, and then, when I was on fire because of what she did, she...she kissed me...there. And kept kissing me, until I...It was the first time anyone ever...

Afterwards, she held me in her arms. Her strong fencer's arms. She thanked me, and said she was sorry, she just really needed it. I told her it was all right, that I liked it. We lay like that for a while. then I asked her if she wanted me to do it to her. She said I didn't have to. I said, it's ok, I just wanted to know if she wanted me to. She was quiet. Then, in this little voice she said, yes, please.

I kissed her. I could still taste myself, on her mouth. Then I just tried to do what she'd done. I touched her all over, and I kissed her everywhere. And when I got to her, her place, I...put my mouth on her. It was ok. She didn't really taste like anything. Just a little salty. I know I wasn't as good as she was, but she put her hands in my hair and she whispered to me, 'Yes, Mouse, oh, yes, like that', and made these little whimpering noises. Then she started shaking, and she pulled my head in tight to her, and she moaned, and she quivered, then she pushed me away and I knew I had given her what she gave me.

She pulled me up, and kissed me, and put her arms around me again. She kept whispering 'Thank you', over and over, and appologizing. I just held her, and kept saying it's ok, it's ok.

After that, every night that Tori wasn't here, I'd go over and get in her bed. Some nights, she just wanted me to hold her, or we did it once and she would fall asleep. Other nights, she wanted it again and again, and she would cry a little inbetween. She would tell me she loved me, and I knew it was true. I told her I loved her, and that was true, too. I would always be in my bed by the time Tori got back. I don't think she knew.

I told her once that I wished I could help her forget Tori. She got very quiet, and I felt bad that I said it, so I said I was sorry. But she said, 'You do help me forget her, Mouse. Just not for very long.'

She loved Tori so much that even that wasn't enough. She didn't just want her body. She wanted all of her.

Those last couple of nights, before the dance, she didn't want anything but to hold me. She was very quiet, and she cried a lot, and I think she was starting to understand. I kissed her, once, trying to get her to just do it with me, and she just looked at me, sadly, and said she loved me, and she would miss me. I should have known, then.

She just needed someone, someone to hang on to. I tried. I tried so hard. Paulie, I'm so sorry. I miss you so much. If I could just have you here with me again, I'd never let you go. Never.

Wednesday, May 8

I shouldn't have written that. But I couldn't help it. I want to erase it, but I can't. It needs to live. Somewhere.

Thursday, May 9

Tori talked to me last night. For the first time. I don't know why. She was out with Jake, but she came back early. She's been strange with him. I'm wondering if, now that Paulie's dead, maybe she doesn't need him anymore. I don't know. I didn't ask.

She came in, and she sat down on the bed. I lay there, with my eyes closed. Usually she would accept that. Not yesterday.

She said, 'I know you're not asleep, Mary.' I didn't react. She kept talking. She said, 'I know you hate me. I don't blame you. I hate me, too.' I didn't open my eyes, because I didn't want to look into hers. When I look into Tori's eyes, I want to forgive her everything. I just said, 'You killed her.'

Tori came over and sat at the foot of my bed. 'I know.' she said. It wasn't sad. It wasn't unsad. It was just dead. I opened my eyes and looked at her. She was crying, like that time at the library. No sound, just tears and sniffing.

'I didn't mean for it to happen.', she said, through the tears. 'I didn't think she'd actually...Oh God, I didn't know.' I didn't say anything. She got a hold of herself, as always.

She looked right at me, with those beautiful brown eyes. 'You lied for me.', she said. I nodded. 'Why did you do that?', she asked. I looked away from her. 'I don't know. I think I did it for you. I'm not sure.'

She looked at me, long and hard. 'You should have told the truth.' she said. I sat up. 'You would've denied everything.', I said. She nodded, slowly. 'Yes. I would have.'

She got up and went back to her bed. She was just so beautiful in the moonlight.

'Tori?', I called after her. I took a deep breath. 'Did you ever love her? Really?'

She stopped, looking right at Paulie's bed. The Osters had taken all of Paulie's stuff, so it was just the bare mattress.

'I still do.' she said, softly. 'I love her more than anyone will ever know. And she's dead because of it. Because of me. And I have to live with that, for the rest of my life.'

Then she went to bed. My stomach tightened up. I felt her pain. She hides it, she covers it up. She's hurting, as much as me, maybe more than me. Why does she do that? How does she do that?

The next morning, she was different again. She has not been her usual, cheery self, but most people just assume it's the aftermath of what happened. Besides, people will always forgive Tori.

I don't want to. I don't want to stop hating her. I don't want to know about her pain. I don't want to feel what I'm feeling. It's like I'm betraying Paulie.

Saturday, May 11

Two weeks now. The pain is not any less. I wonder how long these things take. My mother's been dead three years, and it still hurts sometimes. But Paulie's wound is fresh, and still bleeding.

Tori is out with Jake again. I don't understand her at all. I keep comparing all the different Toris I know, the one who loved Paulie, the one who was my friend, the empty, sad one from yesterday, the one I see with the other girls. I don't know the one that's out with Jake. Only Jake knows that one. She has so many faces. How does she keep them all straight?

I always thought Paulie was strong. She was brave, she was a fighter. She never gave up. But now I'm coming to understand that it wasn't strength. Paulie was only being Paulie. She didn't know how to be anyone else. She didn't have different versions of herself, different Paulies for different situations. She could only be Paulie.

No, it's Tori who's the strong one. Tori who can keep her emotions in check, who can hurt people she loves over and over and over. Who can hide, and pretend, and be who she wants when she wants. I want that kind of control. But it scares me. She scares me.

Why do I keep thinking about Tori?

Sunday, May 12

Tori came back early again, last night. She sat on her bed. She didn't say anything, but she was crying. I wanted to get up, to go over to her, to hold her. I didn't.

'Early night?', I asked her. She didn't say anything. I felt angry, and cold. Maybe it's the fact that I am thinking about forgiving her, that I'm starting to feel sorry for her. I don't know. I heard myself saying these things, but even I wasn't sure where they were coming from.

'Why don't you break up with him?', I asked, her. 'You don't need him, anymore. You only dated him to prove you weren't a lesbian. You proved it, and Paulie's dead. You can stop now.'

It was like she wanted me to beat her up. She just sat there and took it. It made me even madder.

'Or do you love him, now?', I said. 'It's so easy for you, isn't it? Turn love on, turn love off, as you need. You never cared about Paulie, did you?'

This did get a response. She clenched her teeth. 'How can you say that? I. Loved. Her.'

I didn't want any part of it. 'I don't believe you. No one could love someone, and then hurt them like you hurt Paulie. No one.' And I rolled over, away from her. I heard her crying, into her pillow, for a long time. Then she was quiet, and I thought she was asleep. I was wrong.

'You don't understand.' she whispered, suddenly. 'You're right,', I whispered back. 'I don't.' She took a deep, ragged breath.

'I couldn't stop.' she whispered. 'I couldn't. Once I started, I had to keep going. If I stopped...', she trailed off. 'What?', I said, harshly. 'If you stopped, then what?'

She tried to hold it in, then it just came out in one explosion, choked off by her tears.

'If I'd stopped for even a second, I would have run back to Paulie, and begged her to forgive me, to take me back. And she would have. She would have done it in an instant. She wouldn't have even asked me any questions. All she wanted was me. That's all. And I knew that. So...I couldn't stop.'

She was still crying. I shook my head. 'I still don't understand.', I said. 'And I couldn't have done what you did.'

'How do you know?', she asked, pleading. 'How could you know?'

'I know.', I said.

'How?', she persisted. I rolled back over. I couldn't see her, in the darkness, but I knew she was watching me.

'I loved her, too.', I said.

'Not like I did.', she said. I sat up. 'Yes. Just like you did.'

She drew in her breath.

'When?', she wanted to know. I rubbed my eyes.

'After you stopped.', I said. 'After you cut her off. I gave myself to her, to try to stop the pain. It didn't work. But I tried.'

She didn't say anything, for a time.

'Mouse,', she said, finally, gently. 'Mouse, I didn't know.'

'Well now you do.', I said, still looking right at her. 'I wouldn't have given her up. Ever. For anything.' I rolled over again. She cried for a long time after that, but I eventually tuned her out.

The weird part was, some part of me actually enjoyed hurting her.

Wednesday, May 15

The school year is almost up. Soon I'll be home. Soon Tori will be gone. I'll probably never see her again.

My father didn't even call to see if I was all right. Miss Vaughn sent letters to all the parents, to tell them what happened. He didn't even call.

I feel very sad today. I lost Paulie, Tori, and now my Dad. Who do I have left to hang on to? Who still loves me?

Tori hasn't said anything to me since Sunday. She's avoiding me. She won't even look at me. It's not like what she did to Paulie. It's more like she feels guilty. Or afraid.

Thursday, May 16

Tori broke up with Jake. She didn't even tell me. It's all over the school. I heard it from Cordelia.

When I came back to the dorm, I asked her if it was true. She said it was. She didn't look at me. I didn't ask. I went to bed. I keep wondering if I ever knew Tori. I wonder if Paulie did.

Saturday, May 18

Oh my God. What a night. I don't know how much more I can take. How many more things are going to come at me here? If this place is like this all the time, I don't think I want to come back next year.

I woke up last night, in the middle of the night. Tori wasn't in her bed. I looked at the alarm clock. It was 2 AM. I got a little nervous, because I didn't know where she was, and she's been so weird. I didn't even know where to look.

I needed to use the bathroom, so I walked down the stairs. When I opened the door, Tori was sitting on a toilet in one of the stalls, with the door open. She was crying. She had a razor in her hand.

For one long moment, everything just stopped. All I could see was Tori. I closed the bathroom door. She didn't even look up.

'Go away, Mouse.', she said, softly. 'Just go away.'

'Tori.', I said, as gently as I could. 'What are you doing?'

She looked up at me, then back down. She didn't say anything. I started walking towards her. I had trouble breathing.

'Tori," I said. 'Give me the razor.' She didn't move. I was almost there.

'Tori,', I said. 'Please.' She shook her head. I could see tear stains all over the front of her T-shirt.

'I can't do it.', she said, emptily. 'I'm such a coward.'

I reached over, and took the razor. She didn't even try to resist, just let me pull it out of her hand. Then she just fell forward, against me. I caught her, wrapped my arms around her. She pressed into my chest and started sobbing. She didn't say anything, just cried. I held her as tightly as I could, running my hands through her soft, black hair. For once, I didn't need to ask if this was the real Tori.