NIGHT –EXTERIOR
The theme music fades and the still photo of the Conner house establishes that the porch light is off.
CUT TO – INTERIOR –LIVING ROOM
The house is dark but the television is on. The set is throwing out a bluish light on the worn couch but there is no sound. ROSEANNE CONNER, wife, mother and restaurant owner, emerges from the basement/her writing room, quietly. She is heading for the kitchen when she notices the television's activities. She cranes her neck for a better view of the screen. A close up shot shows that she is disgusted with what she sees. She tiptoes to the couch, picks up the remote from armrest with a corner of her chicken and egg nightshirt and proceeds to step into the shadows of the kitchen.
DAN CONNER, husband, father and construction worker is butt naked. He is coming back from the bathroom, pumping his big pink cock languidly and scratching his hairy beer gut. He has just finished pissing out his earlier beers. Leftover urine droplets are flung here and there while he is jacking off. He takes his seat at the couch, still pumping and reaches for the remote control. It is obviously not where he left it. He gets a bit frustrated, looking on the floor and under couch cushions.
To his credit, he never stops pumping. When it cannot be found, he shrugs and waddles up to the television to press play. He plops himself back down on the couch and pops open a beer. The still light becomes a flickering one. His forearm picks up some speed. His breathing deepens and grows ragged. He takes a swallow of beer and leans forward. The action is getting hot and heavy. His forearm is becoming a beefy blur. He has raised both buttocks off the couch. He is taking a squatting position. He has a stack of paper towels all laid out. He is making fuck faces. He is mouthing curses. He is at fever pitch. He is about to pop. Just then the television shuts off.
Have you ever seen a flower wilt in time lapse photography? That is what happened to DAN's dick. He was frozen, wide eyed, staring in disbelief at the television and then up at the heavens. He mouthed "Why God?"
ROSEANNE steps from the shadows of the kitchen, dangling the remote control in her hand. She clears her throat.
-You looking for this, my dear husband the pervert?
-C'mon Rosie! Turn it back on. I was almost there!
-I said I didn't want to have sex tonight.
-I heard you the first time you said it, what does that have to do with this?
-This is sex, Dan
-No, Rosie. What we do is sex, this is masturbation.
-Well, I call it sex.
-The dictionary would dispute that.
-My world, my rules, Dan!
-My house, my balls, Rosie!
-Fuck that! Next thing I know you will be wanting an open marriage.
-Where did that come from?
-It is obvious that something is wrong if you have to resort to this trash. Compton Cheerleader Cum Catchers?
-There is something wrong with aided self-pleasure? Do you forget that you use a vibrator?
-That's different!
-How?
-Because this is another woman, Dan! In fact it is six other women from the look of the video box. When I touch myself, I think about you. This is the same as an affair.
-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! (He raises his feet off the ground) Lot of bullshit in here, Rosie! Might want to hike up your nightgown, the edge might get soiled. I didn't know my given name was Edgar Wellman Jr.!
(She blinks twice and does a double take)
-Wha?!
-Yeah you heard me right. I came home from work early more than a couple times and saw you on the bed, dildo hanging out you, screaming his name.
(She is blushing now)
-This is different!
(He is fuming and gloating a bit)
-How in the hell is it, Rosie?
-It just is, Dan!
-Explain that one to me.
-I am not exploiting anyone in my fantasies. You are oppressing women and minorities with yours.
-What?
-You oppress all women by buying this stuff. That includes Becky, Darlene, me.
-Don't pull a guilt trip on me because I got you dead to rights.
-And most of all, your Mom…
-Hold on a minute, don't you dare bring them into this. It's between you and me, not mankind versus womankind. It is not about the descendant of a white serf giving back shots to the descendant of a black serf, it is just about us!
(There are no words, ROSEANNE just glares at him)
And I don't know where in your ass you are pulling this oppression shit from but you should let it go. A fantasy fuck is a fantasy fuck whether Candy from Compton or the Wellman plastics heir from Lanford.
(DAN pauses now, pulls on his cock and the rant ends)
Now unless you are going to finish me off right now, kindly hand me back the tape.
-No!
(She begins to rip out the ribbon and crack the plastic)
-What are you doing?
-As a wife and a mother, I am doing my job. Plus this one was keeping me up.
(Dan throws his hands up, perplexed)
-How? I had it on mute!
-Dan, when will you realize the extent of my super powers? Beyond my ability to sense the exploitation of women through sheet rock, I could also hear you
(ROSEANNE crudely mimes masturbation)
(Dan rolls his eyes at this point and shakes his head)
-So that's that?
-Yup, that's that. Now go back to bed. I am going to write for a little while longer.
(Pause from Dan)
-Are we going to fuck?
(Roseanne regards Dan like a puppy who has soiled the rug and asks for a treat)
-No.
-Well then my answer is no as well
(Her brow is angry and surprised)
-What?!
-You heard me. No, N-O. You gave me blue balls and you are offering no relief. That is one of the duties of a wife as well.
(There is tense silence. ROSEANNE continues to glare. The anger has gone out of DAN'S eyes and has been replaced by sadness. He begins talking from the heart.)
-Rosie, I like you the way you are, the way you were, whatever. I am all for whatever makes you happy but you have to be willing to give an inch! A relationship is about two people not one. I need sex some of the time.
(There is another pause)
-Dammit Dan, you knew from the day you met me that this was a dictatorship! Must I remind you that a relationship is all about me? I don't want to fuck and I don't want you to jerk off. It's as simple as that.
-That only leaves casual sex with strangers, Rosie
-Don't even joke about that.
- I don't think it's funny but I laugh to keep from crying. I need relief. It's been 2 years
- You try for this "relief" and I'll take you for everything
- Live from the Catskills, it's my delusional wife…
