Foreword- This story shall serve as the end- for now- of my Erika Christensen saga. It shall revisit the plot briefly, to resolve some things built on in other stories and then left behind when my life traveled in another direction. Like all my stories, this one is fictional. Any real people in the story are used fictitiously. They are not known to the author outside their public personas and my own imagination. My intentions are not malicious- merely flattery, entertainment of my fans, and satisfaction of the creative impulses that make one produce stories such as this. Please send feedback if you like. I hope you are pleased by how this story goes. -- AN
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Los Angeles, California
September 22nd, 2010.
"I love you, but I don't want this life we have lived."
Doug Ramsay had said that to her the last time they saw each other, now almost a year ago. She had asked him what he did want, and he'd indicated another woman to whom he had introduced her earlier that night. "It happened all of a sudden, Erika," he said. "A few conversations, a few dates, and I knew. She did too. It's been going on for a while now, plenty of ups and downs, but we're still together. It feels so right. I feel I have to leave everything else behind."
"Including us?"
"Yes," he replied in a pained whisper after a brief pause. "I never wanted to say this to you, but we have to face it. You and I are from separate worlds. A relationship between us would never work on a permanent basis. It's fun but it's not forever, not truly lasting. We both deserve something more than what we can give each other, and I want you to be able to find it. I think I already have."
She had considered his words, and then nodded her head. "I hope you're right. Good luck."
He thanked her and immediately afterwards walked away to be with his new love. Erika was glad there had been no attempt on either of their parts to draw things out, speculate about whether they could get back together if his new relationship failed or whether she might someday join them in lovemaking. She was entertained by the possibility, Doug was someone she always would want and his new love could be also, but then was not the right time to ask. It would have cheapened the relationships involved, they both had known. Her heart ached too, and nothing he could have done would soothe that. Even now, months down the road, she still felt a slow steady pain.
I'll get over it, she told herself, sipping her cinnamon vodka soda. It was the drink he'd marketed all over the world, one of many things that made him rich. None of it had fulfilled him, she remembered, and in the end she hadn't either. Again, as she had many nights since their parting, she sat with the drink at a bar and thought that she needed to move on. First, though, she had to understand.
Erika's life had changed greatly in the past two years. First she got a new actress gig- steady work on the hit NBC TV series "Parenthood". There was the turmoil of trying to make the show work, give it her all, the relief of a second season when it came, and the knowledge that her trial would continue even though a brief victory was won. She and Doug grew apart in that time, barely talking to each other for months. She was not offended when his new relationship started, as they were never exclusive, and she felt happy for him when she learned how things had progressed. Only at the end was she disappointed, when their inevitable parting took place.
Afterwards, various other relationships in her life changed form. Every married couple she knew seemed content with each other and their lives. They didn't seem to need or desire the sex therapy and friendly counseling she had given them. Ryan and Scarlett, Keri and Shane, Tom and Katie- all had settled down around her and become mere good friends, little more. Even John and Kelly Travolta, who had spent the early part of last year grieving for a lost child, were now celebrating the conception of another. With that and everything else going on for them, there was no longer any room for Erika in their lives.
Her roommate Alicia Witt had also moved out. Her career had taken off, with several films and TV roles that made Erika jealous when she took time to notice them. New relationships came too, brief but intense. Erika wondered why Alicia never seemed dismayed by any of them, never turned to her when they soured, only slept with her when no one else was available or a boyfriend wanted them together. It was like they were but intimate physically or psychologically, no longer both. Erika couldn't get close to any of the guys either. Then Alicia launched a recording career and went on the road. "I have to be out of town for a while. I'll see you when I get back." Seven months later, Erika was still living in the apartment alone.
"It shouldn't bother me," was the conclusion she always came to when she reminisced. We're still friends. Every now and then we talk on the phone, text, email, twitter. I know we could always get together and have fun if ever she returned, or serendipity got us together again. She knows that too. Alicia is one of many girls with whom I have that kind of relationship. It's never disturbed me with any of them. It shouldn't with her, if that's what is best for us, if it's what she wants.
What's really bothering me, she wondered, already knowing the answer. It was that all the people she knew were happy and she was not. Every conflict in her life seemed resolved. She had steady work, and it didn't seem in danger of going away. Relationships that were in limbo had been settled. There were no world-shaping matters depending on her to help guide them. The Friendship had inserted dedicated and competent managers into both sides of the Scientology conflict, and Erika was pleased enough with the continuing developments that she felt no need to intervene. We do not need you to do anything other than what you are doing now, her superiors had instructed. Matters will proceed without your influence, it is not necessary that you get further involved.
The memory of the last thing she had done for that conflict brought a smile to Erika's lips. She had visited her longtime enemy Jessica Feshbach, a church fanatic who had damaged many people's lives with bungled counseling in the past decade, and given her a new assignment. She had done the same for Tommy Davis, a church public relations executive known for similar debacles and fanaticism. "The two of you are a liability to the rest of us," Erika had informed them. "After much meditation on the issue and discussing it with various people, I speculate that maybe there is a solution. You complement one another perfectly. Work and live together, see what happens. Maybe you will give each other enough drama and satisfaction that you won't need to mess up anyone else's daily life." The two had protested, then been surprised again when Erika stood firm.
"I'm giving you both something you need," she answered them. "Jessica, your sister, my confessor, told me why you hate me so much. You've been jealous of me from afar for a long time, me and every celebrity. You think that in bringing us down while acting like a two-faced friend you can feel better about yourself, and you keep acting on the lie. Tommy has a similar problem in that he always wants himself and his issues to be the center of attention, always getting bored or offended when it's not like that. Don't argue with me, it comes out in your work all the time. The evidence is right here in your file. Anyway, I think you two are a perfect match. Putting you with each other is the best way to fix the issues you impose on other people. You two can either prove me right, or you can be dismissed from our organization. The Chairman backs me on this." Her last words, though not completely true, were enough to shut both Jessica and Tommy up. Afterwards the early-thirties couple began dating and soon married, the third time for him and fifth for her. Almost two years after their meeting with Erika, they were still together and apparently happy, and they had not made life difficult for anyone. One of the few couples I've helped even though I didn't sleep with either of them, Erika reflected with pride.
Jessica's twin sister Melissa was also happy, with her work in the church charities and a fiancée. "I never thought it could happen for me again," the war widow had said of the relationship a week prior. "Then I met Charlie in Indonesia and things just clicked. You told me about him when you met him, before his SEAL training. I felt like we were close friends already. Our differences only made things right between us. He saved my life, I saved his, and..." she flashed a diamond ring at Erika, "the wedding's next April. Melissa Kurgan. I think I'll like the new name."
"That's wonderful for you both," Erika replied. She hoped she could meet Chas Kurgan again soon and see if he retained his odd sense of humor. It would be good to reconnect with Melissa as well. She had been overseas often and hardly seen by Erika in the past two years.
Everyone I know is happy, Erika thought, looking at herself in the mirror above the bar. The single people are too. Last time I talked to Evan Rachel Wood, she'd just broken up with Manson again, but she was laughing. She has a new part on "True Blood", one that's gone quite well this season. Lots of dates, nothing steady, but she was fine. I'm at a similar place in my life, yet I feel so different. I'm by myself and I'm not glad to be alone.
"This is who you are," her inner voice whispered to her in dark moments. "You piece together the jigsaw of your character and the final picture is you finishing that same puzzle. You rip it up and start over, but it keeps turning out like that. You don't know what it means, where you should be going. Then you start to see madness lurking behind you. All your leads in life are drifting away, turned to smoke and dust. You've lost your way. Your life goes on unhindered, but often it feels like you haven't slept in a million years."
"Excuse me," a man said, breaking Erika's reverie. She turned and looked at him. "You're Erika Christensen, aren't you? The girl from 'Swimfan', 'Parenthood', and 'Six Degrees'?"
She paused before answering, giving him a brief appraisal. Handsome in the way she liked, dark-haired and well-built. Dressed okay, smelled fine, no hint of danger she didn't want to deal with. He was holding a cell phone camera, so it was obvious what he wanted. "Yes," she responded at last. Then she flicked her curly blonde hair over her shapely shoulder, sat up on her stool, and gave him a suggestive grin. "Snap away."
