Tommy, Barbara Gordon, and Zatanna all looked at each other as they let Tommy's sentence hang in the air of the Batcave. Barbara wore a skeptical expression. Tommy looked confused. And Zatanna looked... well, Zatanna looked as beautiful as she always did.
"So a portal that connects our reality to other universes," Barbara said slowly, repeating what Tommy and Zatanna had just told her. "That's... huh," She said. She absent-mindedly chewed on her pen.
"That's what she said," Tommy said, shrugging. He had no idea what was going on.
"Are you sure that's what she meant?" Barbara asked. "Maybe she made it up to throw you off the scent."
Zatanna shook her head. "I don't think so. Bruce and I were pretty... persuasive." Tommy and Zatanna both smirked. Tala had been right; bringing someone to the brink of pleasure and then denying them was a pretty good way to get them to give information.
"Okay," Barbara said slowly, still trying to comprehend what they were looking for. "I'll start looking for a portal, I guess." She turned towards Tommy. "Have you seen anything like this anywhere? I guess it would look like... a portal."
Tommy thought. 'I wonder if Barbara have ever kissed. That would rule.'
Out loud, he said, "...Nope."
Zatanna shook her head again. "I haven't either. This type of thing shouldn't be in Gotham. It must have been moved here."
Barbara sighed. "If only Bruce were here, he'd..." She trailed off and her eyes went wide when she realized what she'd said.
Zatanna looked confused. "What do you mean, Bruce is right here."
Tommy and Barbara looked at each other, both afraid to speak. Tommy finally broke the silence.
"Funny story about that actually, Zatanna. You see, Bruce needed to go do some secret mission and-"
"You're... you're not Bruce?" Zatanna asked softly. She seemed struck dumb. "That means..."
"Zatanna, I can expl-" Barbara started to say.
"You son of a BITCH!" Zatanna suddenly yelled. She took off her top hat and began to beat Tommy over the head with it, striking him again and again.
"Hey!" Tommy said with surprise, shielding himself from Zatanna's assault. He stepped backwards but Zatanna followed him, slapping with both hands on Tommy's head and shoulders.
"Zatanna, please!" Barbara said. "Bruce didn't tell any of us!"
"Did he tell whoever this is to screw me while pretending to be Bruce?" Zatanna retorted. "Twice?!"
This time it was Barbara's turn to look surprised. "He did that?" She asked Zatanna. The magician nodded.
"Oh, well then go ahead," Barbara said.
Zatanna eagerly complied, striking Tommy again and again. "Bastard!" and "Fucker" were heard over and over again as Zatanna beat Tommy. He was helpless to respond to her violence; he didn't want to hurt her and, more importantly, he didn't want her to hurt him worse than she was already doing.
"Please, I can explain!" Tommy finally said as he fell to the floor of the Batcave, one hand held up defensively.
"How can you possibly explain your actions?" Zatanna asked him in anger. Looking beyond her, Tommy could see Barbara looking at him skeptically.
"Well, it's just that..." Tommy said, "It's just that you're, like, super hot and-"
Zatanna began to beat upon Tommy once more, striking him again and again. She reached for her wand and held it out at him menacingly, presumably to turn him into a newt or something worse.
"Zatanna, wait," Barbara said, saving Tommy. "He's a horrible person but Bruce is gone. We need someone to be Batman."
Zatanna's eyes flashed anger towards Tommy and then looked back with resentment towards Barbara. Slowly, she lowered her wand and put it away.
"Fine," She said softly, turning towards Barbara. "But don't let... what is his name?"
Barbara thought for a moment, opened her mouth to speak, and then closed it again. Her brow furrowed.
"Tommy," Tommy finally said, somewhat annoyed. He'd known Barbara for months and she still didn't know his name.
"Oh, right," Barbara said, snapping her fingers.
"Whatever your name is," Zatanna said, facing Tommy know, "Stay away from me or I will have a rabbit bite off your dick." Zatanna breathed heavily, her anger slowly subsiding. After a moment, she turned to Barbara.
"So... where is Bruce, then? He wouldn't just disappear," Zatanna said. She was starting to get concerned.
"I... I don't know," Barbara said. "He and Superman stepped into some sort of portal and... wait!" Barbara turned to Tommy hurriedly. "Didn't you say that Batman and Superman stepped into some kind of portal?"
Tommy thought. "Hey... yeah, they did!" He said. Finally, they were getting somewhere.
"And where were they?" Barbara asked.
"They were in the Batcave," Tommy replied. All three of them began to look around. But there was nothing there.
"But... the portal can't be here," Barbara said. "If it was, I'd know about it. I'll bring up the video, maybe it will provide a clue."
Barbara typed into the computer. She frowned.
"There's no video!" She said with agitation. "It looks like it was deleted." Barbara and Zatanna both frowned at Tommy. "But there is a video that was downloaded at that date, let's see what that... oh that's disgusting."
"Oops," Tommy said. They had found his porn.