Tommy removed his cowl, flinging it across the Batcave in anger.
"An entire night, fucking wasted," He muttered to himself. He walked to the equipment bench and leaned against it, both hands pressed into the reinforced plexiglass that covered the table. Tommy hung his head and then, suddenly, slammed his fist into the table.
"Fuck!" He yelled, both in anger and because he had hurt his hand. He held his mitt in his other hand, rubbing it gingerly.
Tommy had spent all that night trying to find Black Canary and he had gotten nowhere. He was scared and confused and more than a little worried about his... girlfriend, he guessed? It occurred to him that he and Black Canary had never really talked about that.
They had talked about everything else, though. Tommy knew everything about her and she him. She had a way of getting through both his wannabe Batman AND his wannabe frat boy exterior, getting to know the real him in a way no one else did. And he liked to listen to her talk; she was nice and funny and he actually spent a good 75% of the time she talked not secretly staring at her tits.
Still, Tommy thought, there was no reason for him to be THIS upset.
'Unless you really do love her,' A voice in his head said.
Love? Tommy shook his head. Sure, he told Dinah that he loved her but that was just a thing you say. He didn't think he knew what "love" even meant. He loved, he guessed; he loved being Batman, he loved sex, he loved his mom a little. But he didn't think he had ever really loved someone, not like that.
'Until now,' A voice said.
Maybe. Tommy tried to wrap his head around the concept. He thought about Black Canary: her easy smile, her carefree laugh, the way her suit hugged her body... if Tommy could love anyone it would be her. Then he got images in his mind: her hurt, her tied up, her being beaten, her dead. It made his heart seize.
'Marry her,' A voice told him.
Hahahahahaha, no. Not happening.
'Fine, move in with her,' The voice said. It seemed exasperated.
Move in? ...Maybe. The fact that Tommy was thinking about it meant something.
"You need to find her," A voice said.
Yeah, I d- wait...
"What the fuck?" Tommy shouted in surprise, turning around. The last voice wasn't in his head; it was coming from behind him. There, standing before him, were 2 tiny impish men. One was dressed up like Batman, his round face peering out from the cowl that wrapped tightly around his face. The other was a small man in an orange suit. He had white hair that stood out straight to the side and a large stogie hung from his mouth. Tommy recognized him and began to get angry.
"It's you! That fucking, uh... Mr. Mxzzz... whatever the fuck!" He said. He ran after the imp but both of them vanished as he got close. Tommy heard them laughing behind him.
"Easy there, champ!" The one dressed as Batman said. "We're not here to fight. We're your biggest fans!"
"Biggest fans?" Tommy said. "Your buddy caused nothing but mayhem a few weeks ago!"
The man with the impossible name laughed. "Oh boohoo, I made you fuck Mary Marvel. I'm sure it was torture for you."
Tommy paused. The imp had a point.
"Relax," Tiny Batman said. "We're not here to cause you any trouble. In fact, we're here to help! My name is Bat-Mite and you know my friend here is Mr. Mxyzptlk." Bat-Mite took a small bow.
"Help?" Tommy said suspiciously. "And how exactly are you going to 'help' me?"
"Easy," Mr. Mxyzptlk said. "We're going to help you save Black Canary."
Tommy eyed the two imps suspiciously. "What the fuck are you guys?"
Bat-Mite responded. "We're just two average Joes from the 5th dimension here to watch you work. We're your biggest fans, Tommy!"
Tommy started. How did these little twerps know his name?
"So... you're from the 5th dimension..." Tommy said. "So that's why you can teleport and do all that shit?"
"Oh, we can do a lot more than that," Mr. Mxyzptlk said. "We can pretty much do anything. We can change things, send people pretty much wherever... oh, and get you laid many times over."
Tommy furrowed his brow. "Huh? What are you talking about?" He asked.
Bat-Mite laughed, a high-pitched whine emanating from him. "How do you think you've been fucking all these hot superwomen? Your smarts?"
"Well..." Tommy said. "Yeah?"
Both Mr. Mxyzptlk and Bat-Mite laughed uproariously, leaning against each other for support. Mr. Mxyzptlk slapped Bat-Mite on the back as he laughed from deep in his gut.
"...Fuck you guys," Tommy said quietly.
"Sorry, sorry," Bat-Mite said through guffaws. "The point is, we're big fans of you and want to help. Black Canary has been captured by the evil villain Roulette to fight in an underground superhero bloodsport ring."
"...What," Tommy said. That couldn't be a real thing... could it?
"Oh yeah, it's all very exciting," Mr. Mxyzptlk said. "Bat-Mite and I have been betting on it and it's a lot of-" Bat-Mite elbowed him in the ribs, telling him to be quiet.
"We'll take you there and help you get to Roulette so you can free Black Canary," Bat-Mite said. "...If, you know, you do something for us."
There it was, Tommy thought. He wasn't sure if he could trust these two; they seemed a little weird, even for magical imps from the 5th dimension. But, if they did know where Black Canary was, he couldn't exactly afford NOT to trust them.
"What do I have to do?" Tommy asked.
"Simple," Mr. Mxyzptlk said. "You just have to let us go with you. Oh, and you have to let us watch you fuck Roulette."
"Yeah, and you have to fuck her REALLY hard," Bat-Mite added.
Tommy sighed. "Look, guys, I really need to save Black Canary and I don't really have time to fuck around this ti-"