Let's Be Batman

Tommy & Black Canary were sitting in the Batcave, both trying to figure out one thing:

"What the fuck happened last night?" Tommy asked. Neither could remember a thing besides an explosion and then suddenly waking up sticky and undressed.

Canary shook her head. "I have no idea. Barbara said that the ARGUS guys broke in and we were all passed out. I asked her if she knew about anything... else, and she said nothing else was in their report." Canary blushed slightly.

"Ok," Tommy said. "It's just... what the fuck? Weird."

"I know," Canary said. "I vaguely remember..." Her mind seemed to wander. She bit her lip slightly.

"I don't remember anything," Tommy said, oblivious. "All I know is that my piss shot in like 3 different directions this morning. Anyway, what should we do tonight?"

There was no response.

"...Dinah?"

"Oh!' Dinah said, snapping back to reality. "Sorry. What was the question?" An indent had formed where she was biting her lip.

"...What do you want to do tonight? Apparently Mad Hatter has popped up again, we could go after him."

Canary smiled a suspiciously fake smile at Tommy. "I'm sorry, Babe, I can't go out with you tonight. I need to go... do something. I'll see you later, though?" She kissed him on the cheek and bounded over to her motorcycle. She waved half-heartedly as she jetted off out of the Batcave.

'...Well that was weird,' Tommy thought. The whole day Canary had been acting strange, now that he thought about it. She had been distracted and distant, constantly looking off into space. Tommy wasn't sure what had happened to her in the chamber the night before but it worried him.

As Tommy pondered his relationship, he began to put on his Batsuit. Putting on the cumbersome outfit was now second nature to him and he was ready in moments. He pulled his gauntlets tight on his hands and adjusted his cowl. He checked himself out in the mirror and nodded approvingly.

"Maybe I can go see what Mad Hatter is up to on my own,' He thought. 'Or maybe I can read up on how Vicki Vale's story is hitting.' Vale's expose on the sex lives of supervillains had hit that morning and Tommy imagined that it was a big deal. He smiled as he thought about what someone like Poison Ivy would think when she saw herself on the front page of the Gotham Gazette.

While Tommy admired himself in the mirror, he suddenly became aware of a blinking red light in the corner of the Batcave. As far as Tommy could remember, the light hadn't flashed before. He got up out of his chair and walked towards it.

The light was coming from a cylindrical tube that looked just large enough to fit a man. It had a complicated computer interface that gave off a light blue glow. Tommy had never noticed it before; he guessed that it must have turned itself on. Tommy gently tapped the glass of the computer and a pleasant female voice suddenly sounded out.

"Greetings, Batman. Please step inside and place your feet on the pads." Tommy glanced inside and saw that there were two footprints facing him.

"Huh," Tommy muttered. It must be some kind of... dry cleaning device, maybe? Tommy looked at the sides of the cylinder: there were a countless number of small holes in the device. Tommy guessed that was where the cleaning stuff came out of.

"Well, I guess I could use a spritz," Tommy murmured aloud. The front of his suit, especially, was covered in bits of cum. He looked like a pervert. Tommy stepped inside and placed his feet on the pads. The female voice sounded again.

"Please prepare for the spray," She said.

Tommy nodded sagely. 'Nailed it,' He thought. The device began to spray a sticky yellow substance on him. Tommy touched it gently with his hand, confused; this didn't feel like soap at all. The substance seemed to move when it touched him, quickly coating his entire body. Tommy's eyes went wide as the substance covered his eyes, nose and mouth. His mouth was open in a scream but no noise could come out.

"Please enjoy your trip," The female voice said aloud. Tommy tried to figure out what trip she was referring to when suddenly everything flashed to black.

***

Cyborg was busy at the controls in the Justice League Watchtower, observing his passenger as they shot through space-time. The teleporter began to activate, turning a soft yellow as it filled up with liquid. It was an extraordinary device, built by an extraordinary man. Cyborg felt honored to be given control over it.

The passenger slowly re-formed in the teleporter, his cells quickly combining into a recognizable shape. The pointy ears and cape seemed to form first, as inanimate matter was easier to re-form than a person. Finally, the passenger finished his voyage and the yellow liquid drained out of the cylinder. As the cylinder opened, the passenger stumbled out and, finding Cyborg, asked him one question.

"What the FUCK???"

"Uh..." Cyborg was thrown off. Batman had a way of doing that to people. "Sorry, Batman, was their something wrong with your trip? All the calculations looked correct but-"

"My TRIP?" Batman asked, wild-eyed. He shook himself, brushing off the imaginary liquid that he could still feel on him. "What the fuck is that thing?"

Cyborg wasn't sure how to respond. "What do you mean? You don't know?"

Batman's eyes were still wide. "How the fuck should I know?"

"Uh..." Cyborg began uncomfortably, "Because you built it?"

"Oh," Batman said softly. "Of course I did. I... was testing you. Now tell me, where am I?"

Cyborg weighed his response carefully. He knew that Batman was probably testing him again. "You're at the Watchtower, sir," He said stiffly, trying not to stumble over his words. "We've had a Level 6 alert and you were contacted according to protocol. They're waiting for you in the conference room."

"Level 6?" Batman asked. "What the Hell is that?"

"Level 6," Cyborg recited from his memory, careful not to misplace a single word, "The abduction or capture of a member of the Justice League that requires a rescue; non-harm believed." Cyborg breathed a sigh of relief when he was done.

"Uh, good. I'm glad you knew," Batman said. Cyborg's heart skipped a beat. "Who was abducted?" Batman asked.

Cyborg paused for a moment, trying to mask his distress. "Wonder Woman, sir," He said with a small hint of nervousness in his voice. Wonder Woman was probably the strongest member of the Justice League; if she had been captured it was by someone immensely powerful.

To Cyborg's surprise, Batman laughed. "Wonder Woman? Good. Let her stay captured," He said with a hint of malice. Cyborg was careful not to join in on Batman's glee; he figured Batman was probably trying to get him to open up, trying to get his feelings on Wonder Woman.

"Let's get to the conference room," Was all Cyborg said. Cyborg walked out the far door and felt Batman walking behind him. It made him nervous.

"You know," Cyborg began, "I never did get a chance to thank you for giving me this opportunity, sir. This is a real honor for me and I know I won't let you down."

"Huh?" Batman said.

"Letting me join the Justice League," Cyborg said. "I know you have final approval over all new recruits." Cyborg wasn't sure if he should have let that slip or not.

"Oh, uh, sure thing, buddy. I'm sure you'll do great." Cyborg felt his neck get hot at Batman's words. He had never heard Batman give a hint of approval to anyone before.

"Here we are," Cyborg said as they stepped out into a large room that was centered by a large rectangular table. A variety of superheroes had already arrived. Green Lantern sat near the head of the table, next to 3 empty chairs. Next to him, Aquaman sat. He looked angrily at Batman. Across from him, The Flash was barely holding in laughter. Vixen & Hawkgirl's faces seemed to redden and Cyborg wasn't sure why. Green Arrow fumed in Batman's direction.

Batman seemed to trip over his own feet as they walked towards the table.

"Thank God you're here, Batman," Green Lantern said with urgency. "We received an alarming distress call from Wonder Woman that requires your attention. Cyborg, bring it up."

Cyborg made his way over to a control panel and quickly typed. At each seat, a holographic image of Wonder Woman appeared. She looked like she had been in battle, with a small cut below her cheek. She spoke quickly and softly.

"Justice League," Her voice said softly, "I require your assistance. I'm on Aeaea and I fear I've been led into a trap. It's Circe."

The room murmured at the mention of the great sorceress's name. Cyborg could have sworn he heard Batman mutter, "Who the fuck...?"

Wonder Woman continued. "Send help as soon as possible. And for the love of God, whatever you do, do not send Batman. I repeat, do NOT send Batman. I don't want him anywhere near... wait, someone's coming... you! What are you doing here? AHHH!!!"

The hologram suddenly cut out halfway through Wonder Woman's surprised yell. All the superheroes in the room digested what they had just seen. It was Martian Manhunter who spoke first.

"There was no duplicity in Wonder Woman's voice," He said monotonously. "I have concluded that the person on the video was indeed Wonder Woman and she is actually in danger."

"Thank you," Green Lantern said to the Martian. "The question is now: who do we send to help her?"

"It should be a small group," Green Arrow said. "Circe could take us all if she knew we were coming. A small team that can infiltrate her lair and find Wonder Woman is necessary. Maybe even one person should go."

"Agreed," Hawkgirl said. "One person might be best. Someone that can blend into the shadows, bypass Circe's guards, and rescue Wonder Woman."

"But who could do such a thing? And who is brave enough to go alone?" Vixen asked.

Slowly, every other superhero turned their heads and looked at Batman. He looked behind himself, hoping there was someone else there.

"...Me?" Batman asked tentatively. "I, uh, don't think that's a good idea."

"I agree," Aquaman said with rancor. "Someone with a certain higher moral fiber should go. I volunteer."

"Higher moral fiber..." Batman muttered. "Hey, fuck you."

"I thought you already did that," Flash chimed in. "Oh wait, that was Mera."

Aquaman's eyes flashed red as he stared at The Flash as the superhero laughed uproariously. Cyborg stifled a laugh.

"No, Aquaman," Green Lantern said, suppressing a smile of his own. "This mission requires someone who can actually do things on land. It needs to be Batman."

Aquaman opened his mouth to protest and then closed it. He seemed to know that Green Lantern had a point.

Batman seemed almost desperate. Cyborg was confused; normally, Batman would jump at the chance for a solo mission. He always worked best alone. "But... but what about what Wonder Woman said? She said not to send me. She's pretty smart, maybe we should listen to her."

"I thought about that," Green Lantern said. "She's in Circe's lair. I'd guess that she knew Circe might be listening and decided to throw her off by saying you shouldn't come. Batman is the last person Circe will be expecting!"

All the superheroes murmured approval at Green Lantern's theory. All except for Batman, that is.

"But... I... Shit," Batman said, his shoulders slumping. "Fine."

"Good luck, Batman," Green Lantern said.

"May you find great victory," Martian Manhunter added.

"Fucking prick," Green Arrow muttered under his breath.

***

Tommy stumbled through the thick underbrush of the Greek isle of Aeaea, wiping his suit with his hands disgustedly.

'Fuck teleporting,' He thought to himself. He hadn't wanted to teleport here, instead making up an excuse about tactical maneuverability in the Batwing to transport that way. It wasn't until the young guy, Cyborg, had pointed out that time was of the essence that Tommy had finally acquiesced to getting teleported here.

That yellow shit gave him the creeps, though.

Tommy finally neared a clearing and saw a large marble temple standing high in the air. It was a typical Greek structure but it was not ancient like any other that Tommy had seen in a history book: this one looked like it had been built yesterday. It was shining white, each one of its many pillars gleaming in the light. Tommy looked in both directions and then scampered towards the temple.

As Tommy neared the door to the temple, he tried to read the markings that were transcribed along the side of the fantastic structure.

'This shit's all Greek to me,' He thought to himself. He entered the dark temple.

Tommy was alarmed that there seemed to be no one there. He had expected guards and sentries but there was seemingly not a soul about. All he had seen were animals. Goats, cows, and pigs, lots of pigs. He didn't pay them any attention.

Tommy continued forward into the temple, trying his best to tiptoe. Large torches blazed in the first room Tommy entered, illuminating tapestries. The thick rugs showed horrific sights: ships being led to their doom, men twisted in horrific shapes, and at the center of each one was a woman with purple hair. Tommy pulled out two batarangs and held them in his hand as he passed through the room.

There was a long dark corridor ahead of him, with a glowing light at the end. Tommy worked his way slowly forward, getting closer and closer to the light. As he neared it, he recognized that it was the light from a large fire set in the middle of the next room. The room appeared to be a chapel of some kind: something was burning in the fire, giving the room an intense aroma. There was a large curtain cordoning off a corner of the room, a statue of some Greek god in the corner, Wonder Woman, a-

"Wonder Woman!" Tommy shouted in surprise. He wasn't just surprised to see her; he was surprised to see that she was completely unharmed. She smiled at him, almost completely unconcerned.

"It's good to see you, Batman," She said with genuine happiness. "Turns out it was a false alarm. There's no one here."

Tommy wanted to be angry at Wonder Woman, angry that she had tricked him into getting fucked by Giganta, but right now he was simply wary. Why was she being nice to him? Wonder Woman had never treated him with anything other than barely held contempt. There was something off about her.

"Let's get out of here," Wonder Woman said, grabbing Tommy by the hand. He jerked it away and peered at her.

'The cut,' He suddenly realized, 'Where's the cut below her cheek?'

"What's wrong, Batman?" Wonder Woman asked, her face innocent. "It's me, Wonder Woman. Don't you trust me?"

Tommy glared at the person who appeared to be Wonder Woman.

"No," He said, and he raised his batarangs.

Suddenly, Tommy was blasted with a pink light. It through him against the marbled wall of the temple. He fell to the floor with a heavy thud, groaning. He looked up to see Wonder Woman smiling down at him. A woman stood next to her and she too was smiling too. Tommy vaguely noticed that the second woman had purple hair.

"Aww, a pity," The woman, presumably Circe, said. "We were hoping to trick you into taking Wonder Woman back to the Justice League lair so we could dispose of all of you. Oh well, guess we'll have to settle for the two of you. Isn't that right, Duke?"

"I guess so," Wonder Woman said. Then she laughed and, as she did, she slowly morphed from Wonder Woman to a tall man, clad in a hoplite armor and a battle skirt. Jet black hair appeared from underneath his helmet and he had a mischievous smile on his face.

Circe laughed as well, throwing her head back. Tommy got a good look at her and was taken aback by how beautiful she was. She was supposedly 3,000 years old but she barely looked 35. She had long, flowing purple hair that hung on her shoulders and haunting baby blue eyes. She wore a thin green tunic that flowed down her, exposing the contours of her breasts and her milky white thighs. Gold adorned her waist, wrists and neck.

She was tall, large-breasted, and yet Tommy instinctively hated her. There was something about the way she looked at him that indicated the she thought she was better than him.

"I bet you never thought you'd see me here, did you Batman?" The man called The Duke said.

"...I don't know who you are," Tommy admitted.

The man looked taken aback. "You should do your research!" He said. "You should know Wonder Woman's foes. Circe, Cheetah, Dr. Psycho, and, of course, The Duke of Deception." He bowed.

"Dude, I've literally never heard of you," Tommy told him.

"I'm very popular!" The Duke said. He kicked Tommy in the stomach.

"Settle down, Duke," Circe chided her compatriot.

Tommy tried to get up off the floor of the temple and Circe hit him with another blast of pink energy, dropping him to his knees. She directed two pieces of iron from the fire towards Tommy and they wrapped his wrists behind his back, restraining him. He gritted his teeth as he felt the hot metal burning through his armor.

"Don't go anywhere, Batman," Circe said, taunting him. "I haven't yet shown you my newest prize." Circe cast her arm towards the curtain covering up one corner of the room, dropping it to the floor. Tommy's eyes widened with shock at what was behind it.

"Wonder Woman!" He shouted. It was, indeed, Wonder Woman, but not how Tommy had never seen her. Wonder Woman was tied to the ceiling with her hands in the air. A gag was in her mouth and her legs were tied to pieces of iron in the floor, forcing them apart. He suit had a series of cuts in them, made by some object Tommy didn't recognize. She looked at Tommy not with contempt, not with anger, but with something Tommy had never seen in her before: she was pleading with her eyes for help.

"Behold, the might Wonder Woman!" Circe shouted before laughing uproariously. The Duke or whoever laughed as well, throwing his head back. Tommy struggled against his bonds but couldn't release himself.

"Did you know Wonder Woman's weakness?" Circe asked Tommy, taunting him. She was enjoying having the two heroes at her mercy. "Wonder Woman, the mighty Wonder Woman, loses all her power if she is tied up by a man. Those thin pieces of rope binding her hands make her worthless. Can you believe it?" Circe laughed again. "How stupid is that? Our mighty heroine, rendered helpless by simple man."

"Not that simple," The Duke added in. He walked towards Tommy and leaned down, looking him in the eye. "Tying her up, however, was remarkably simple. All I had to do was impersonate someone she trusted, someone that she'd let her guard down around. Do you know who that person was?" The Duke smiled widely, his teeth gleaming. "It was you, Batman. She trusted you and that is what let us catch her. How does that make you feel?"

The Duke waited, expecting an answer. He did not expect Tommy's head to come smashing into his teeth, dislodging two of them. The Duke fell to the ground, cursing. Circe burst out laughing, her cackle filling the room. As The Duke scrambled to his feet, he raised his hand to strike Tommy. Circe arrested his hand, however, holding it with her pink magic.

"Now now, Duke, we mustn't disturb our guests," She said with remarkable calm. "Besides, there's still the matter of your reward."

The Duke's demeanor changed at the talk of his reward. He smiled through blood-stained teeth. "That's right," He said with eagerness, "My reward!"

Circe smiled and sashayed towards him. "What was it you asked for?" She placed her arms around him, bringing him close.

The Duke seemed almost nervous to be this close to Circe. "Y-you said that if I helped you catch Wonder Woman then I could do whatever I wanted to you."

"That's right," Circe said smokily. She looked at The Duke seductively, a piece of purple bang hanging in her eyes. "And what exactly do you want to do to me?"

Tommy and Wonder Woman looked across the room at each other in confusion. This wasn't going to happen right in front of them, was it?