Note- My wife and I laughed ourselves silly as I outlined the plot to this next chapter of my X rated spoof on Sean Connery's movie. It's a hoot. Featuring Scarlett Johansson and Gemma Arterton as Miss Marple.
xxx
Paris, 1881.
"Can you do the splits, Miss Marple?"
"No, I certainly cannot. I do declare this to be the most idiotic idea that Professor Quatemain has had thus far."
"I quite disagree my dear Marple. It is exceedingly clever. The very reason the Professor devised a female version of the League was for this very reason. Would it possible for a man to infiltrate Le Cabaret Artistique?"
Located in the bohemian Montmartre district of Paris the exclusive club was nothing short of legendary even in its own time. Created in 1881 the club encapsulated the thrill of the 'Belle Epoque' or the beginning of a Golden Age, through its music and dancers. The Parisian bourgeoisie flocked to the club every night especially to enjoy the new high energy chorus dance known as the Cancan. Within a short space of time the dance had been considered scandalous as the chorus line performed nightly dressed in open crotch pantalettes, necessary for the high kicking.
"And let me add the fact that you paint a pretty picture in your outfit. You have rather nice legs."
Jane Marple huffed and then stole a sidelong glance at her new companion. The amateur sleuth from the tiny English village of St. Mary Mead was twenty nine years of age and had never left England before. She had medium wavy hair with side swept bangs that bordered a determined jaw. Dark brown eyes, alert and clear, matched the colour of her thick locks. Her blue calf length full circle skirt had a lining of lots and lots of layered white ruffles. The slim looker had her bodice high at the back of the neck and low at the bosom. One large feather was pinned to the top of her head and she wore a check choker around her neck as a compliment. The nature of the new dance was for the girls to swing up their skirts to offer quick glimpses of their drawers, petticoats and stockings.
"Thank you." Instead of travelling in the Doctor's miraculous time and space machine known as the TARDIS the two private detectives had taken the train to Paris from London. They had been tasked with retrieving one of four mechanical keys that would trigger a doomsday device that would bring catastrophic casualties when detonated. The Time Lord known only as the Doctor had been given information by the original architect of the League, Allan Quatemain, that one key had been hidden in the heart of Paris, France. Not only that but specifically behind the scenes of a cabaret club in Montmartre. The plan was for the two women to go undercover and follow the trail and clues to discovering the secret location of the key. It was Quatemain himself who had hidden the four keys that he had managed to retrieve from the evil Fantomas in order to prevent the devastating usage of the so called H bomb. Time was now of the essence as both good and bad forces contrived to discover the whereabouts of the vital keys.
"So we just wait with the other dancers?" Asked Jane.
The novice detective possessed a sharp and logical mind that had enabled her to solve several difficult crimes, something that she had long admired about Miss Scarlet Holmes. Scarlett adjusted her headdress with the red plume and admired herself in the mirror. The dancers dressing room was small and cramped and was full of girls in various states of undress. Her knee length skirt had red and black stripes and her petticoat had a daring low bust line that accentuated her generous cleavage. Her mesh fingerless gloves matched her black fishnet stockings and a red feather boa rested on her elbows. Under her skirt were a pair of split knickers that she had decided to wear after toying with the idea of going without entirely. Very risqué!
"When the opportunity arises then we shall act."
The Doctor had arranged for the pair of English women to gain access to the club by masquerading as Cancan dancers. They would be on standby lest any of the regular girls were incapacitated or ill. And the logic behind this was that the club had a secret and seedier side that thrived behind the scenes. The bordello was really a number of exclusive and extremely private rooms where those who could afford it could enjoy the delights of the best Parisian whores. Both men and women.
"We must seek out rooms Cinq and Sept. That is where we shall discover out first clues."
Jane looked into green eyes that twinkled in the gas lit room. The striking Scarlett had a diamond shaped face with prominent cheekbones and a narrow chin. Her best feature was undoubtedly her permanent pout that made her seem to always be prepared to be kissed. Apart from her good looks the self titled consulting detective was known for her proficiency with observation, forensic science and logical reasoning.
"Mademoiselle Holmes. You are needed onstage." A senior choreographer by the name of Edith peered inside the door as a half dozen of the girls filed out.
"Rather you than me." Said a relieved Miss Marple.
"Right. This is our chance. When we go on you slip into the back and try one of the rooms."
"Very well."
Scarlett joined the others and entered the dance hall to loud cheers and whistles from the excited patrons. The hall was surprisingly big with a high ceiling and many coloured lights. The sound of the girls clunky heels clattered on the wooden floor of the stage as the orchestra warmed up. Then the conductor tapped his baton and the musicians began the familiar and lively quadrille by Offenbach. Scarlett instantly got into dance mode and joyfully high kicked her shapely legs and flayed her arms around with the others. She lifted her skirts up provocatively, threw them over her back and presented her crotch less bloomers for all to see. The lead dancer, a long legged blonde stood at the front and screamed 'hoop-la!' which was greeted by enthusiastic whoops from the audience. Behind her the others danced in unison, arm in arm, with the occasional whoop! Then Scarlett stood into the limelight, did the splits with her legs perfectly in line with each other and raised her arms in the air in triumph.
"OUI!" She exclaimed loudly.
"Bravo!" Yelled one admirer.
"Magnifique!" Cried another.
"Outrage!" Shouted one fellow who found himself bumped to the back of the hall.
As the girls left the stage through a smoky haze the sound of clattering drink glasses and the bustle of waiters filled the hall. Many a Franc would be made tonight. When Scarlett returned to the dressing room she duly noted the absence of Miss Marple. The game, was indeed afoot.
x
Miss Marple waited until all backstage hands were riveted to the show and tentatively made her way to the darker lit rear section of the club. She found a narrow set of stairs, dimly lit and empty. When she reached the top she was confronted by a line of similarly coloured green doors numbered one to ten. Each door also had a geometric symbol under the number. A circle, square, rectangle and so on. Seven and five were the rooms containing pre planned clues as to the hidden location of the key. Quatemain had foreseen the inevitable danger of agents of Fantomas also seeking the key and had prepared clues and tasks that required a solution before discovery.
"Whatever the pair of you encounter you must comply with the tasks set out. To refuse might lead to a world war. The British Empire depends on you."
Jane took a deep breath and turned the door handle to room number five. the Doctor's final instructions at the back of her mind as they left Waterloo railway station. She opened it a crack and then hurried in before anybody noticed. Once inside the timid Englishwoman found herself in a window less room dominated by a large round bed. A light fragrance filled her nostrils as she noted the walls adorned with pornographic images of the decadent Roman Empire. The bed itself appeared well upholstered and had a floral needlepoint headboard. But it was the occupant of the bed that made her catch her breath for on it laid a virile looking young bull totally naked.
"Bon Sour, Mademoiselle. My name is Alphonse, at your service. If you would remove your garments we may get down to business, oui?"
The dark haired man had a fine, muscular physique and looked to be in his prime. Twenty two, maybe? His chest was broad with the slight wisp of hair but his torso was hairless for the most part. His arms were crossed which gave his upper arms a most powerful image. His lower body was no less impressive and at his groin he sported a half stiff appendage above two low hanging testicles. It was his eyes that captivated Jane Marple though, being large like moons and of an attractive deep chocolate colour. Sex was not a word mentioned in her life in the quiet village in Surrey, but that did not mean the young woman had not enjoyed the odd dalliance with men. Of course in these days of Queen Victoria such moments of unmarried merrymaking were usually labelled sin.
"Very well."
Alphonse watched as he stroked his cock to stiffness as the straps of her top fell from delicate shoulders. She removed her feather and softly brushed her hair back from her face and behind her ears. With eyes locked on each others Jane slid her skirt down over her thighs and let it pool around her boots. Left in bloomers and slip she sat on the edge of the bed and kicked off her footwear. As Jane sat she saw the broad mirror fitted beside the bed and a much bigger one in the ceiling. The man moved closer to her and began to kiss her bared neck and she felt her heart quicken. As he pressed his naked body to her side he slipped his right hand inside her slip and cupped her left breast. As he nibbled her collar bone he felt the nipple stiffen and a tiny sigh escaped her lips.
"You seek an answer to a problem. We shall make love and the darkness may become light."
Jane's eyes darted around the room. No sign of a clue anywhere. How on earth would having intercourse reveal the location of the elusive key. Then their lips met in a passionate kiss and Jane felt her desire for the strapping Frenchman escalate. His lower lip brushed hers with a big swipe as his hands lifted the bottom of her slip and drew it over her head. Her big and bouncy tits with the pale areolas became freed up and the man wasted no time in kissing the perfect swell of each.
"That...that's...nice."
The feel of his mouth on her bosom and his fingertips sliding along her shoulders was electric and together they fell back onto the bed in a fevered clinch. His hands were everywhere as they writhed in each others arms and Jane slipped her bloomers down with her feet. The brunette shivered as he tongued the areolas before sucking in the hardened nipple of each superb orb in turn.
"Alphonse."
With cheeks flushed and breath ragged Jane let his right hand glide across her stomach to her inner thighs where she automatically opened her legs in invitation. Alphonse bent down and kissed her abdomen and he felt her tremble beneath his hot lips. He gently rubbed her inner thighs and her breasts rose and fell in anticipation of her sex being touched.
"Magnifique."
Jane squirmed on her back as his lips met the outside of her labia and a pleasurable tingle went through her. He saw her wetness that moistened her pubes and smiled to himself. Jane stifled a scream by placing her fist into her mouth as a finger entered her quim. Satisfied by her slickness he added a second digit and slid in and out of her as he settled on his belly. He flicked at her cunt as he fingered her and the delighted Englishwoman lifted her bottom up off of the bed by a clear inch.
