Its A Redneck Life Ch 01

This is a pimped out redneck fuck parody series... It ain't real

This is my biggest fuck parody series ever... It will be a bunch of perverted episodes about my freaky ass, pimped out and sleazy redneck life... I'm keeping it simple... There will be tons of sex, freaky shit and sleazy ass perverted fun... I make porn, sell drugs, pimp hoes and sell motherfuckin' moonshine... I'm the most perverted motherfucker ever... We're fuckin' everybody... I'll introduce my family and the other characters as they appear in the stories... Let's get fucked up the fun redneck way... Yee fuckin' haw motherfuckers... BRING ON THE PISS!!

My Family's Home... Beverly Hills, CA.

(Belching) Damn... drank a little too fuckin' much last night. My fuckin' head feels like it was in the middle of a couple of Mack trucks playing a game of chicken... and neither one blinked. Noticing my hand stuck up my girlfriend's pussy, I smile. Yeah, I fisted my girl Penny (Penny From The Big Bang Theory) after the party, while I pissed in her mouth... I fucking love my perverted life.

Penny wakes up, holding her head. "James... Oh my God, how much moonshine did we drink? My head is fucking pounding."

I slowly twist my fist in her soaked pussy. "FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK... THAT FEELS GOOD... BUT MY HEAD... OH FUCK IT... MMMMMMMMMM!" Penny leans her head back... my face is at her feet... sexy grins at me and... Pisses on my hand. I wiggle my eyebrows at her and twist my fist faster and faster. "FUCKKKKKKKKKKK!!"

I pull my fist out of her pussy right as she squirts a massive pussy nut all over my hand... and the bed. I reach over and squeeze my cousin, former pornstar Alia Janine's sweet ass. I smack it hard... but she's passed out and doesn't respond.

Penny keeps squirting on my hand. I twist it around, making sure she coats the whole fucking thing. When she finishes, she wheels around, holds my fucking fist and licks it totally clean, grinning so fucking sexy at me. She slowly laps up her pussy jizz as sexy as fucking possible.

I start pissing... so I point it over Alia, on my left, and towards another cousin, pornstar Lisa Sparxxx, whose sitting in the corner, just waking up. My piss arcs over Alia and hits Lisa right in the face. She has her hands tied because she begs me me to do it. Lisa is a totally freaky fuck slut... and my personal sex toy. She loves bondage and she loves being my fuck toy. Lisa begs me to tie her up, fuck her, leave her tied up and come back whenever I want to use her any way I want, any time I want. She fucking gets off on being used sexually... It makes her cum and cum.

"Mmmmmmm..." Lisa moans her approval as my piss hits her slutty face. She opens wide, her tongue outstretched. She swallows every fucking drop, anywhere near her fucking mouth. I keep pissing for a full minute. Lisa keeps moaning, smiling and swallowing.

Penny holds my cock, directing my piss at Lisa. I lay back, smile and watch. Penny puts her mouth on my cock and swallows a full load of urine, then points it back at Lisa's open mouth... a fun way to wake up... a normal one for me.

I reach around the bed and find a half empty can of Budweiser. I drink it, tossing the can with the other 30 or so discarded ones near the door.

After we finish the piss wake up call, I smack Penny's perfect booty. She smiles at me, then gets up to shower. Her hangover a lot less of a problem now. After her shower, she heads out back, to check on my moonshine operation.

Alia finally wakes up and I fuck those 34G titties for 30 minutes. She's got such perfect tits, so soft and heavy. They felt so fucking good wrapped around my horny ass cock. She sucked my head, her beautiful eyes locked on mine as I wrecked those guests melons, finally depositing a huge load of cum in her sucking mouth. Alia happily guzzled it down, sucking me clean with a smile. I squeezed those titties for awhile then she headed outside to help with the moonshine production.

I guess I should mention, I live at home. My family and I... and my wife Kim Kardashian... live in a Beverly Hills mansion, my dad Dr Evil (Dr Evil from the Austin Powers movies) bought with his evil world domination schemes... and subsequent movie career.

My mom Paula (Paula Deen) and my dad have trouble getting along, so my mom fell in love and got married again to Betty (Anna Maria Horsford From The Friday Movies). My dad has always had a girl on the side... his assistant Frau Farbissina (Frau Farbissina From The Austin Powers Movies).

It's a crazy... but fun situation. I fuck mom and Betty... and Frau... so it's more pussy for me. The more pussy the better, as they say.

"JAMESSSSSSSSSSS... My gorgeous brother." My sister Kat (Kat Dennings) runs in my room and flops down on top of me. "Sexiest brother ever. Here's your money big daddy." Kat hands me the 5 G's from her two dates last night...yes, my sister is one of my hoes... one of my best ones too. She's got those natural 34DD titties and those luscious cocksucker lips... and she can fuck your brains out, so she's a top level ho... and a great sister.

Kat kisses me over and over and over, all over my face and on my lips. She's a great kisser too. I smack her phat ass and squeeze it hard. "Mmmmmmm." Kat puts her big tits in my mouth. I suck away, sucking as much of those perfect titties in my mouth as possible. "Mmmmmmm... suck my titties James. Mmmmmmmm."

"JAMES!! WHO THE FRIGGIN' HELL IS THIS SLEEPING IN MY FRIGGIN' BATH TUB? I WANNA RELAX WITH A NICE REFRESHING BATH... THANK YOU... GIVE ME A FRIGGIN' BREAK WILL YOU?" My dad's up.

"IT'S JUST COURTNEY LOVE! SHE PASSED OUT IN THE TUB AFTER THE GANGBANG! SHE'S HARMLESS!"

"GANGBANG? MY SON'S HAVING GANGBANG PARTIES IN MY FRIGGIN' HOUSE. I WORK MY FRIGGIN' ASS OFF TO BUY THIS FRIGGIN' HOUSE AND NOW I HAVE COURTNEY FRIGGIN' LOVE PASSED OUT IN MY FRIGGIN' BATH TUB! WHY DO I EVEN FRIGGIN' TRY?"

Kat and I laugh... our dad is weird... but he's also funny. "I'll be right back Kat." I get up and head over to my dad's bathroom, to get Courtney Friggin' Love out of his tub.

"Thank you very friggin' much son."

"You're friggin' welcome dad." I pick up Courtney, carry her to my room and lay her on my bed.

"It really is Courtney Friggin' Love James." Kat smacks Courtney's alabaster ass. She's moaning and squirming in her sleep. I grab her head and shove my cock in it. I fucked her three times last night. We ran a 10 man train on her... after I got her high. Courtney is my party buddy and drug buddy too. She's always blowing me for some blow.

I fuck Courtney's mouth hard with my soft, thick cock. Kat gets jealous and comes over to suck my big ass balls. I pull out of Courtney and fuck Kat's gorgeous mouth for a few minutes. I alternate between the two. Courtney sucks my now, rock hard cock, instinctively.

I pound the whore's mouth then move back to Kat's. I blast my wad in Kat's mouth... she drinks it down smiling... and pull out, finishing on Courtney's face. Courtney smiles, as I cover her sexy face in jizz. Kat sucks me clean, then we take pictures of Courtney covered with my jizz and upload them to my Twitter.

Kat licks every drop of my cum off of Courtney's face, eating it happily and smacking those fucking gorgeous, full lips. She gives my thick crown a big ass kiss and winks at me. We cuddle in bed for a few... I suck and squeeze those amazing tits.

A few minutes later, I'm in the shower when my wife Kim Kardashian gets home. She was filming her show in Las Vegas the last two days, so I didn't see her. "My man looks so damn good. I missed you so much baby. I was miserable without you." Kim says, smiling that beautiful Kim K smile.

I blow her a kiss and shower. She watches me... then takes her white and pink sweatsuit off, getting in the shower with me. We spend the next hour soaping up each other... and fucking. My soapy hands roam that perfect body, spending extra time soaping up that pussy. Kim grinds that soapy, phat booty on my soapy ass cock. My cock finds its way up said soapy booty and I drill it faster faster faster faster... and stop. "Ahhhhhh...babe...please fuck me. PLEASEEEEEEE... Mmmmmmmmmmm."

I rub Kim's perky clit faster faster faster... then stop. "You're at my mercy baby." I tell her, sliding two fingers up her soapy pussy, wiggling them quickly... Kim squirms and moans loud... then I... POUND HER FUCKING PHAT ASS HARD!! MY COCK FLYING UP KIM'S ASS... I squeeze her big tits as I pummel that sweet booty so fucking harddddddd!!

"YESSSSSSSSSSS... POUND MY ASS BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!" Kim screams out and squirts... for the sixth time... all over me and the shower, her pussy shooting that pussy nut like a sexual machine gun. I BLAST my wad up Kim's ass, pulling her back to me, kissing her deeply, cumming deep and hard up the world's greatest ass.

"Missed you too baby... my cock missed you too." Kim and I laugh, kissing and rubbing each other.

"I can tell. I missed that cock too." Kim smiles. I finish soaping her up and we rinse each other. I sit on the bench in the shower look at my wife's spectacular booty and piss all over it. Kim looks back at me and smiles that Kim K smile, shaking her phat booty like only she can. I cover that ass with my piss.

Kim opens her mouth, so I aim at it and shoot it right in. She swallows my warm urine, licking her luscious lips, blowing me a big fucking kiss. I finish covering her awesome booty with my piss and pull her over to me. Kim squats on top of my rock hard cock and starts pissing. It pours out onto my twitching cock, so warm.

I watch Kim's piss coat my cock and smile. I put my finger in the stream, then lick my finger, tasting my woman's golden nectar. I fucking love my wife, every fucking thing about her. Once she finishes, we finish showering and I towel her dry, making sure to dry every inch of that perfect body. We kiss.

"Love you baby." Kim says, smiling her sweetest smile.

"Love you too babe." I lick her full lips slowly... then kiss her 10 times and play with her titties... (laughing) I'm always horny for my woman.

A little later...

"Make sure you bottle all of them correctly... we have a huge order coming up.. so make sure everything is perfect." My girl Penny oversees my moonshine production for me. I have an underground still and the guest house garage, where I produce it. Penny... and my cousins, Spence (Spence Ulchin from the King Of Queens), Braun (WWE Superstar Braun Strowman) and Alia Janine... with some help from our friend Howard (Howard From The Big Bang Theory)... he's an engineer, so he can help with any technical problem... and we like busting his balls... handle pretty much everything.

Like Penny said, we have a huge order coming up and she still has to finalize everything with the buyer. He's having second thoughts, but Penny is sure she can "convince" him to agree. I sell my Pussy Pounder Moonshine for $10,000 a jug.

I learned a long time ago, that, in this town, if something is cool and trendy, it will sell, big time. The cooler and trendier it is, the more the rich yuppies will gobble it up... Thank God for rich yuppies, trendy shit and capitalism.

(My arms around Penny) "Hey baby, everything is looking good... even though I gotta yell at Howard every two minutes for staring at my ass."

"Ha. You do a great job Penny... (Looking at the guys and Alia) so do you guys... and Alia... I can't blame Howard... you've got a perfect ass." I grind on it, kissing her neck.

"Mmmmmmmm... thank you baby. I saw Kim's car... was her trip OK?"

"Yeah... she said she missed me. I missed her too."

(Everybody) "AWWWWWW."

(I'm laughing) "Yeah thanks. Now get back to work."

"You gonna meet with the client later?"

"Yeah babe... I'll have to turn on the charm, but I know how to do that. I'll make sure he pays up. I'm taking Howard with me, in case the buyer wants to fuck me... I'll just give him Howard." Everybody laughs... Howard looks around and nervously smiles... assuming Penny is joking.

Later in the evening, Penny pulls up... with Howard... to a very famous club on Sunset. The owner has made the biggest order for my Pussy Pounder Moonshine ever. He, however, has gotten cold feet and is rethinking his decision. $2,000,000 is on the line, so it's a big deal. Penny is an expert negotiator though. She's also an expert charmer.

"Now listen Howard... this is a very important meeting. There's alot of money at stake and James entrusted me with this. I don't wanna let him down so don't fuck it up by, you know... being you. You better be on your best behavior... do you understand?"

"Of course... scout's honor. I'll be totally professional and charming."

"Oh my God... I was afraid of that." Penny lowers her head to her steering wheel and shakes it. She notices Howard staring at her tits, in her pink bikini top. She shakes her head again. Howard has an erection in his pants.

"Howard... get rid of that damn thing before we go inside."

Howard smiles his goofy smile. "It's got a mind of its own... sorry."

"Yeah...and it's little mind is as dirty and perverted as yours is. GET RID OF IT!! NOW!!" Penny commands.

Howard tries thinking about Star Wars or World Of Warcraft trolls... but it gets harder. He shrugs his shoulders.

Penny realizes she's made a big mistake bringing Howard, but it's too late to change that. She comes up with a simple solution.

"Pull it out!"

"What?"

"I said, pull it out!"

Howard shrugs his shoulders again and unzips his pants, snaking out his little weiner.

"Jerk it!"

"Huh?"

"Jerk it!"

"O... OK."

Howard starts jerking it... Penny leans over and whispers in his ear. "Imagine we are both jedi and you're jerking your big cock for me... do you like that?"

Howard nods quickly that he does.

"Good... now imagine I get on my knees... open my mouth and I blow softly on it and..."

Howard is jerking his cock super fast, imagining the sight of a jedi Penny on her knees in front of him, her mouth open. His cock is throbbing. He's so fucking turned on and hard. He's jerking his cock as fast as he can...desperately wanting Penny's gorgeous mouth to grab it and make him cum so fucking good.

"I... stick out my tongue... it's just inches from your throbbing cock and I... PULL OUT MY FUCKING LIGHT SABER AND CUT OFF YOUR LITTLE BITTY COCK!! PUT THAT FUCKING LITTLE COCK AWAY!!"

Howard's erection goes away... and he puts it back in his pants.

They head inside and meet with the club owner.

After several minutes of chit chat and a few drinks, they get down to business. "Penny, I've been thinking about our deal... it's just a little too risky for me. I mean, I could lose my liquor license for possessing and selling illegal whiskey. It's too big of a risk for me. I just can't do the deal." Steve, a longtime club owner, a man in his 60's told Penny... looking her over.

"C'mon Steve we had a deal. James is counting on this... I don't wanna disappoint my man. He's sold to a lot other club owners... they haven't lost their licenses." Penny leans forward, her beautiful cleavage showing. She makes sure to jiggle her tits for Steve. Penny knows how to exploit her sexually and work guys... and gals, for what she wants.

"I know James and I know his product. He's got a lot of connections I know. It's just too risky for me."

Penny notices Steve looking hard at her tits. She leans back in her chair and pulls her bikini top open, showing off those beautiful breasts. "Let's get right to the point." (Howard's staring at Penny's naked tits) "You stick to our deal and... I'll be very grateful... I'll even let you fuck Howard." Penny laughs. Howard snaps out of his titty staring daze and his eyes go wide, hoping Penny is joking.

Steve smirks. "What about you? Can I fuck you? That might make me decide to do the deal."

"Sorry Steve... I only let my man fuck me. Like I said, you can have Howard though."

Howard stands up to protest. "Now wait a minute... just to clear thing up here, I like girls... I'm married for God's sake. This is ridiculous... I can't..." Howard shakes his head and leaves the room.

"Oh well, there goes my back up plan." Penny says, laughing.

Steve unzips his pants and pulls out his 8 inch cock. He strokes it, leaning back in his chair behind his desk. "So..."

Penny wants to punch him in the face... and also Howard... for leaving her alone with Steve. "Listen... can't I just show you my ass?... I've got a very nice one. I mean... I only have sex with James... and some of his other girls."

"It's up to you Penny... you can leave right now and not have sex with me, no problem... but no deal either. It's up to you." Steve jerks his thick cock faster, rocking slowly in his desk chair.

Penny is stuck, not knowing what to do. She thinks it over, debating in her mind. She promised to take care of the situation and close the deal, but she only fucks me...

What will Penny do? Tune in next time to find out... same DICKTHEPIMP story series... same DICKTHEPIMP swagg... To be continued...