Hate Me

Author's note:

This is a story based on Nikita and takes place during Season 1. Spoilers for that season. Both the actresses and the characters are over 18.

*

Never again. That's what Nikita had promised herself. Never again would she allow herself to fall in love.

It had been an easy promised to make. The pain of Daniel's loss was indescribable. No words could do it justice, but in her most cold and detached moments Nikita admitted to herself under different circumstances she could have moved on. If she was normal. If she hadn't been turned into something ugly, something broken, something not entirely human anymore. If she didn't have bosses watching her every move, taking everything from her until there was nothing left but a killing machine. But she wasn't normal, so Nikita had committed her life to revenge and become lost in it. Lost in hate and anger until she couldn't feel the pain of her loss anymore.

Of course she had been a fool to believe someone like her could love. That she could have an emotionally healthy relationship which lasted more than a night. Besides, Daniel had only loved her because he hadn't really known her. If he had ever seen her, the real Nikita, he would still be alive because he would have run from her as fast as his legs could have carried him, and she would have let him go like she should have done when she had the chance.

So, never again. That's what Nikita had promised herself. Promised herself over and over again. Pushed even the hint of love away at every turn. But no matter how hard she pushed it found her. First Michael, then...

"Alex!" Nikita murmured softly.

Few could get close to her without her knowledge. Alex was one of them, although part of Nikita hoped it was someone else as an assassin wasn't anywhere near as scary to her right now as her young protégé. Another part of her, a very small part, hoped that her reply was a bullet straight to her heart, which again would be in some ways preferable. Alas it was not to be.

Slowly stepping out from the shadows Alexandria Udinov, better known as simply Alex, smiled rebelliously in a way which seemed to lighten up the dull lit room.

"I came as soon as I could..." Alex said, her eyes drifting to the candlelit table for two in the centre of the room, "Is that... for me?"

She had wanted to say 'for us' but Nikita didn't like Alex saying such things so she resisted. She also resisted the urge to embrace Nikita, even though Alex really, really wanted to feel the older woman's arms wrapped around her. But as usual Nikita was all business, so Alex took the small victory of the tiny display of affection and wordlessly followed her mentor to the table and took her seat. Nikita joined on the opposite side and they ate in silence. Or at least Alex ate. Nikita just sat there either staring at her or her food, which was more than a little troubling. Nikita wasn't the best conversationalist but normally she would be talking to Alex about Division, her latest assignment, the next assignment, etc. And she would be eating.

As things became increasingly tense Alex nervously mumbled, "Thank you. You know, for saving me. Again. I know Michael helped, but I'm pretty sure he would never have reached me in time if it wasn't for you. It's... it's nice to know you always have my back. That, that someone's always there. It's why I... you know..."

Alex trailed off when Nikita looked up, their eyes locking for what felt like an eternity, and then the feared assassin softly but clearly said, "I killed your father."

The room had been pretty silent before but now it felt deafening. And Alex couldn't feel anything. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't even think for a few long seconds.

Her first thought was it was a joke. Nikita trying to lighten the mood with a horribly miscalculated joke. But Nikita's eyes told Alex she was deadly serious. Because of course she was. Because nothing in Alex's life could just be pure and good. No, it had to be ugly and tainted.

Alex took a deep breath, her first in what felt like forever, and she felt the tears beginning to fall from her eyes as she was almost consumed by the urge to lash out. To scream at Nikita. To attack her. To kill her. But the rational part of her mind stopped her. Forced her to at least get the whole story first.

Taking another deep breath Alex softly said, "You were on the team which attacked the mansion. You... you found him before you found me... and... and you killed him. If you didn't he would have probably killed you. It would have been impossible to get us both out. And, and even if you could have got us both out Division would have hunted us down and killed us both."

"Alex..." Nikita began.

"You did what you had to do!" Alex interrupted, tears falling from her eyes, "I get that. I really do. You had to confirm the kill. But what I don't get is, why you didn't tell me this before letting me into your bed?"

There was a long silence and then Nikita said, "Because I needed you. I needed your help to take down Division. We may still fail, but the odds of us succeeding were far greater together than not, and you had just as much reason as me too wipe them off the face of the earth."

"So what's changed?" Alex asked coldly.

"Nothing." Nikita lied.

Alex frowned, "Then why tell me now?"

"I thought you could handle it." Nikita lied.

There was a pause and then Alex said, "Bull-shit. We've been one step ahead of Division for months, and we may actually be getting close to taking them down, and you tell me this now? No, you wouldn't risk losing me unless you had a pretty good fucking reason, so what is it? TELL ME!"

On those last two words Alex stood up, tossing her chair angrily away. In response Nikita slowly got up and moved around so she was almost but not quite in Alex's personal space, her eyes never leaving Alex's the entire time.

Only then did Nikita reply, "Because I want you to hate me."

Frowning in confusion Alex murmured, "What?"

"You heard." Nikita said, clearly becoming angry.

"Why?" Alex asked.

"Because I'm sick of you staring at me like a little puppy dog. Because I can't stand you hanging on my every word. Because I just can't handle you telling me you love me when..." Nikita spat, trying to keep her emotions under control but for once in her life her training failed her and she became lost in despair, tears falling from her eyes as she continued, "I killed your father. I killed him. Me."

"You had no choice. I understand." Alex said, stepping forward.

"You understand nothing you stupid little girl!" Nikita screamed, stepping back, "Stop it! Stop looking at me like that. I don't deserve it. I can't handle it. I can't handle this. I can't... Alex, when I thought I'd lost you, I... oh God."

Rushing forward Alex grabbed a firm hold of Nikita. She could tell the older woman almost pushed her away or knocked her down. Hell, Nikita could have killed her if she'd wanted too. But instead she just allowed Alex to hold her, Nikita staring at the ground as she and the younger girl softly wept.

"Look at me. Look at me!" Alex said, waiting until Nikita was looking at her again, "It's not your fault. I understand that. And I understand why you lied."

"It's not just that." Nikita whispered, having to force the next words out, "I... I know who was behind your father's death. I've known all along. He is protected by Division, and you wouldn't have stood a chance before, but now... now you could get to him if you were careful. But I wanted you to help me first. I manipulated you into helping me. I used you. I lied to you. I killed your father. And... and I don't love you. You're just a fuck toy to me. I use your body then laugh at you when you fall asleep in my arms."

The words made Alex feel like she was being constantly stabbed in the heart, and though it was of little comfort she knew what she said next was partly true, "You're lying."

"Not about the parts that really matter." Nikita said, a half smile crossing her face briefly before she continued, "And I'm not lying now... the man who ordered your father's assassination was Sergei Semak. He was your father's right-hand man and he took over your father's company once he was gone. You can find all the evidence you'll need on my desk. If you remember everything I taught you then you should be able to kill him and disappear. Please Alex, disappear. Forget about Division and live your life."

Alex frowned, "What about you?"

Nikita smiled, "Me? I put my quest for revenge before you and everything else. I lied to you, manipulated you and used you. I killed your father and denied you your revenge. Now... take it!"

Moving quick as a flash Nikita put a gun in Alex's hand and guided it underneath her chin.

"I ruined your life Alex. I deserve this." Nikita said tearfully, "I deserve this for so many reasons, but... but mostly for trying to turn you into me. I couldn't imagine anything worse than that. But it's not too late. You can have your revenge and be done with it. Have a good, decent life. Please be good Alex. Don't become me. Please don't become just another killer. Please remember there's good inside you. And please... please kill me. I deserve it. Kill me."

Alex closed her eyes, pain and sorrow still filling her body, but there was nothing to consider, "No."

"Please... please kill me." Nikita wept, "Kill me!"

"Never." Alex whispered before tossing the gun aside and pressing her lips against Nikita's.

It was just like the first time. Nikita tensing at first, then momentarily melting into the gentle touch only to silently push Alex away before she could add her tongue into the mix. Back then Alex had been going through a hellacious detox which hadn't hurt as much as this new information yet both times kissing Nikita gave her total clarity.

Nikita was the only thing in Alex's life which made sense. The only thing which made her happy. The only thing in her whole adult life which had ever really been hers, and Alex couldn't and wouldn't give it up.

"I forgive you." Alex sobbed, "I forgive you for everything. Because I would be dead without you. And because you're the only one I've ever truly been able to rely on. And because I love you. I love you so fucking much. Let... let me show you."

With that Alex kissed Nikita again, this time not allowing the older woman to push her away. Nikita tried. Not extremely hard, but she tried. However Alex would not be denied this time. This time Nikita wouldn't win. She wouldn't have her way. Alex would have hers.

Of course had Nikita really tried she could have pushed Alex away. Or more accurately if she had the emotional strength she would have pushed Alex away, would have always pushed her away if she was stronger, better, the woman who Alex pretended she was. Hell, if there was an ounce of goodness inside her Nikita would never have let Alex seduce her in the first place. It shouldn't have mattered how relentless Alex was in her (ultimately successful) attempts at seduction, or how insistent she was being now, Nikita should have resisted/should now resist. But she didn't. Instead Nikita allowed herself to be kissed, stripped and guided to the bed, the whole sordid thing feeling like it lasted forever and yet only took a few seconds all at the same time.

Once she was lying on the bed with Alex on top of her Nikita truly became lost to the kiss, her tongue wrestling the younger girl ferociously and easily winning. She also tried flipping them over, Nikita ready to tear off this uppity little girl's clothes and ravage her like she always did, brutally fucking Alex into submission in an attempt to finally make her protégé stop loving her. While the latter part had never worked the former had a perfect success rate, until now, Nikita taken by surprise as Alex countered the move and broke the kiss.

"This time I'm on top!" Alex said forcefully, not like those few times she had giggled it before being swiftly put in her place, but not so forcefully Nikita would immediately flip them like she so effortlessly could. Clearly taken aback by this Nikita did nothing, although Alex was aware that would change if she didn't follow up correctly, the less experienced spy taking a deep breath before cupping her lover's face and whispering, "I'm showing you, remember? I'm showing you I forgive you. That I love you. That you're my whole fucking world. So just relax and let me love you. Please?"

No. Nikita should have said no. She wanted too. She wanted to be strong enough to finally do the right thing. But then Alex lent down and gently kissed her again and Nikita melted.

The kiss didn't even last that long this time, Alex first moving down to her neck and then her breasts, the whole time Nikita trying to say something, anything, but words failed her. In fairness it was hard for anyone to think coherently when their lover's mouth was gently worshipping their body, and Alex's mouth had become so very good at driving Nikita wild. Especially when it came to her breasts, Alex moving back and forth between them for what felt like an eternity, the younger girl licking and sucking Nikita's nipples with a type of loving tenderness which invoked tainted memories for the haunted spy. Then that mouth moved lower and Nikita became an empty shell, completely unable to think for a few long minutes.

Alex knew this wasn't normal. It probably wasn't healthy, psychologically speaking. And it was almost definitely wrong. People just didn't go down on their father's killer, especially after just finding out. Regardless of the circumstances Nikita would always be the one who pulled the trigger and while time might somewhat heal that gaping wound in her heart her love for Nikita would always be tainted. And yes, maybe it would be better if they gave each other some space, or she just spend the night in Nikita's arms and whispering that she loves her and forgives her over and over again, but right now Alex felt she physically needed to show she could get past this. That nothing Nikita could say or do would ever stop Alex from loving her.

If that was wrong, and she was pretty sure it was, Alex never wanted to be right. And maybe she never had been right. Maybe Alexandria Udinov, the innocent little girl, had died with her family and all that was left was a broken shell which would never be whole again. But then in Nikita she had found a true companion. Someone as broken as she was, yet with a determination to get their revenge and protect the one thing they had left, each other. Yes, Alex thought as she finally reached her destination, in this woman she had found the perfect mate. Nothing else truly mattered. Her revenge was just something to make her leave Nikita's bed. Nikita was her reason for breathing.

With that thought echoing through her mind Alex finally focused on the delicacy she had been staring at for several long seconds, that time allowing her to soak up the heavenly scent which was pure Nikita until it consumed her. Suddenly ravenously hungry Alex leaned down, closed her eyes, stuck out her tongue and slid it over familiar flesh, the taste of Nikita setting fire to her taste buds from the very first touch. Again and again Alex slid her tongue along the full length of her mentor's pussy lips, teasing her entrance at the beginning of every lick while avoiding her clit.

Normally Alex would escalate things from there soon after, however this time was different. This time she was deliberately trying not to give Nikita what she wanted and do what she wanted for a change. Only despite her experience, especially when it came to being in between Nikita's thighs, Alex had no idea what she was doing. Well, technically she had some idea, at least when it came to the physical stuff, but she was sure there were subtle differences she was missing. After all, Alex had never made love to someone before so it was impossible for her to know how well she was doing.

Of course Nikita recognised what Alex was doing. She had known since Alex had started kissing her way down her body, each and every touch excruciatingly gentle and loving, almost to the point where it broke Nikita from the spell her younger lover had cast over her. Even the kissing had been uncomfortably soft on Alex's part, and as much as Nikita had managed to escalate things each time when Alex moved away from her mouth she was helpless to do anything about it. Or more accurately she felt helpless, an unusual feeling Nikita hated.

In reality Nikita could have pushed Alex away from her without much physical effort, but she knew she was far beyond the point of being able to do that. Still, she could have flip them over and taken control. Fucked this girl until their earlier conversation was nothing but a dream and they would both be mindless animals lost in their physical desires for each other. It had happened countless times before, and Nikita hadn't promised Alex she wouldn't do it again, but Nikita couldn't seem to summon the willpower to do it. Almost like Alex had some psychological power over her, the young girl forcing her to remain where she was with the power of her mind. Which was of course ridiculous but Nikita couldn't really come up with a better explanation of why she just lay back and let Alex deliver one infuriatingly slow lick to her cunt after another.

It was unlike anything Nikita had ever felt from a woman. Sure, she'd had plenty of them in between her thighs but none of them had licked her pussy with such care, love and devotion. Not even the men who had told her they loved her had done anything which had felt close to this, especially when Alex looked at her with those infuriating puppy dog eyes, Nikita finding herself lost in those beautiful blues for several long seconds before she closed her eyes and pretended things were different.

Pretending she was with someone else was a waste of time she'd given up long ago but Nikita often imagined a different life. A normal life. A life where she and Alex were the same age and Division was nothing but a bad dream. Nikita imagined that all the time but especially when she fucked Alex. Or when the younger girl was in her arms. Now she found herself actually imagining things were normal between them. Their normal. The normal which involved her slamming her tongue, fingers or strap-on cock into Alex until her protégé was screaming her name. Of course these images only made Nikita more desperate to cum until the former Division agent was willing to say or do almost anything to get what she wanted. And hey, she had already crossed so many lines in the last hour, what was another.

"Alex... please... fuck me... please fuck me..." Nikita whispered, her voice sounding deafening in the large room, "Fuck me Alex... fuck me you whore..."

The first few words only caused Alex to smile against Nikita's pussy, the young spy feeling proud of herself for making the mighty Nikita beg. Then came the final word which made Alex stop in her tracks, the Russian girl looking up at her mentor in disbelief.

Nikita had called her all sorts of things during sex and Alex loved every minute of it but the other spy had deliberately avoided any version of that word. Because of the people Nikita left her with? Because of what happened to her? Because of Nikita's guilty conscience? Probably, and Alex was grateful for it, but for Nikita to say that word she must have had a good reason. The real question was did Nikita still want Alex to kill her or did she just want her to fuck her? Or wasn't Nikita sure? Either way Alex felt this needed to be addressed so while keeping her eyes locked with Nikita's she slowly crawled up the older woman's body until they were face to face.

"Deliberate cruelty doesn't suit you моя любовь." Alex said softly after a couple of seconds of silence, "Tell me Niki, why the candlelit dinner? Seems like an odd choice, if you truly wanted me to kill you."