Sean was having trouble breathing as he gazed at is lithe young co-star. Elijah was across from him, soaking wet after the scene in the rain and looking for all the world more beautiful than the first time they had met. He pondered his dilemma as he watched the younger man laugh and joke with the other two hobbits and the make up people during the short set up break.
Weeks ago, feeling like a lifetime, Sean had arrived in New Zealand without his wife and child, who were still packing up the house and making the arrangements for their 2 year stay in the little country at the bottom of the world. The first night he and the others had met, Sean had been struck by an odd feeling of 'rightness'. At first he couldn't pinpoint what it was. He had thought it was the instant brotherhood between the hobbits, or perhaps the excitement of embarking on an epic film making quest, but now he knew he was wrong. He knew that the sense of completion was the same as what he felt with Christine, only different too. With Lij, it was a strange and disquieting mixture of being star struck, fraternal feelings, love and something more. It was the something more that had Sean's insides in an uproar.
All of a sudden he felt a wave of nausea wash over him, much like the waves that they rode their surf boards on so easily. He felt himself go hot and then cold as the bile rose in his throat. Knowing his own body, he rushed past the others to a small copse of trees and then with a hitching of his breath, he vomited into the underbrush. One heave. Two heaves. Three heaves. Four heaves and then nothing but dry retching and that horrible tightness that ran from his lower abdomen to his neck. He was startled by the cool hand that rested on the back of his neck as he bent over, hands on knees and spittle and bile dripping from his lips. He felt his balls go cold and then when the voice came, hot.
'Sean'' Said Elijah in his soft, almost boyish tones. 'You okay''
Sean shivered at the genuine love and concern in that voice. It made him want to vomit all over again, but it also made him feel good too. Elijah cared about him, deeply and it hurt so good to know that. He closed his eyes and nodded his head at his friend's question, enjoying the quiet away from the main group and letting the sickness in his belly ebb. He felt Lij press his body close to his own as the young actor slipped an arm around his shoulders and press his face against his hair. Another shiver, this one reaching down into his crotch, shuddered through him and his thoughts were in turmoil.
[what would he think if he knew how I felt...what would he say and do....would it frighten him or brighten him...what are you saying....you're married to your soulmate...you have a daughter and here you are contemplating the pleasures of a same sex relationship with someone you consider your brother...it scares you....scares you so much you are now puking your guts out in the back end of the New Zealand brush...you have never wondered about what it would be like to be with another man...and now here you are enjoying his touch...you must have gone insane]
Their quiet tableau was shattered when the voices of their two comrades broke in.
"Seany, laddo, what the fuck is wrong with you." Came the cheeky Mancunian accent of Dominic.
"You can't be pukin' like that Sean!" Trilled Billy as he joined the group. 'Peter 'll thrash the hide off you.'
Both men laughed and Sean felt Lij turn his head. He knew without seeing that his friend was glaring at the rest of the fab four. He knew he would jump to Sean's defence as he always did when the other two decided to act like school boys.
'Shut the fuck up, both of you!' Said Lij, his voice taking on a deeper timbre that made Sean's balls ache. 'I think he's really sick.'
The carping and joshing of the others stopped immediately as they gathered round and helped the Santa Monican stand upright. Sean didn't look any of them in the eye. He was too afraid of what they might see. A production assistant rushed up and offered him some paper towels to wipe his mouth and a glass of water. Lij held the water as he cleaned his face, then held the cup for him to drink. Sean's trembling hands couldn't hold the cup still.
He drained the cup and then handed it to the P.A. before turning to face his friends. His eyes still avoided Elijah's but he was able to speak without his voice quavering too much.
'I'm okay guys. Honest.' He began, swallowing hard to clear his throat of obstruction. 'I just ate too much at breakfast. P.J.'s force feeding is starting to get to me. I'm just not used to this much food for so long a period of time. I'm fine.'
He sighed and clapped Billy on the shoulder and poked Dom in the gut as he turned away with a grin he knew didn't erase the worried look in his eyes. He heard the three following him back to their chairs that awaited them set side.
~ later that day ~
It had been a very long, very damp day. Peter had made them do the gateway scene over and over and over until they got it just right. Sean had never felt this way about doing a scene before, but he wanted to scream at the Kiwi director to just get on with it. Normally he was ready to do it as many times as he needed to, tirelessly and uncomplaining. But today was different. Today he just wanted to go home and curl up next to his wife, cuddle his daughter and do nothing. Instead, he was stuck in the rain doing take after take and all the while staring at Elijah's hardened nipples that poked through the fabric of his shirt. He felt like he was going mad and there was no end in sight. Peter wanted them to take a couple hours break and then get ready for the night shooting.
As if the schedule for the day's shoot wasn't bad enough, lunch had been terrifying. Sean had to face another overloaded plate of food. He had almost choked as he saw how much he was being expected to eat, but P.J. had already told him that he had started to lose weight and needed to bulk up again. But he had done it. He had stuffed his face while the others ate nice regular portions, and Elijah even picking at his food and hardly eating anything at all. Sean had jealously watched every morsel that actually made it to his friend's rosebud mouth, wishing he were putting something else between the blue-eyed boy's lips instead of macaroni and cheese. Those thoughts had been enough to almost make him want to vomit again, but he had pushed the images away and continued to stuff his face. He even managed a wan smile as the boys teased him about his 'pigging out'. But not Elijah. Lij had looked concerned and even whispered to him to slow down. Worry coloured the younger man's face as he watched Sean shovel in food like he was hoarding it for the winter. But Sean just ignored his friend's protests with a snarled reply.
'I can't slow down and you know it. Peter will kill me if I don't put some of this fucking fat back on. Sam's a fatty and so am I.' He had said, tears filling his eyes.
Elijah had just given him one of his stern looks and then jumped up from the table to speak to their director. Sean knew he was going to ask P.J. if Sean could cut back his eating habits just a bit, but he also knew what the answer would be. Peter would chuckle and say no. Lij would whine and whimper a little, but never pull a diva fit even though he could have. Then Peter would claim that he would make sure Sean had a personal trainer and all sorts of other things when the shoot was over. And Lij would give in, trusting Peter to keep his word. That would be that and Elijah would come back to sit next to Sean and try to cheer him up. He knew how much his older friend hated all the extra pounds he carried.
These memories clouded Sean's thoughts as he made his weary way back to his trailer. He just wanted to get his feet up and have a beer. As he trudged along he ignored the laughter and camaraderie he heard all around him. This day had depressed him to a point he had rarely been before. As he reached his trailer door a shout stopped him and he turned. It was Elijah.
'Hey...' he began, his voice trailing off as he saw Sean's face.
'Hey.' Sean said glumly in return.
