Fucking Graha About His Trauma

Author's notes:

As always: (1) I don't care what the devs say, Alisaie is absolutely not 16. By 6.0, she'd be about 23. (2) In a world where no one is explicitly gay or trans, that means anyone can be. Therefore, Alisaie and G'raha are T4T. (3) My WoL is a non-binary viera.

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6.0 - IMMEDIATELY AFTER RETURNING FROM ULTIMA THULE

When we got back to Sharlyan, I slept for an entire day, then spent most of the day that followed waking up just long enough to eat before falling asleep again.

Alisaie - concerned that I'd been irreversibly damaged by the experience - hauled in Alphinaud to check me over during one of these interludes, only for him to sourly pronounce me 'as fine as could be expected under the circumstances'.

I ignored the jibe and continued inhaling the sandwiches that had been left out after the last time I'd woken up ravenous.

Alphinaud, however, was determined not to be ignored. "You need real rest this time, Savvel," he scolded. "You're used to cheating with your recovery from these epic stunts of yours because you can convert your vast reserves of aether into healing energy without thinking about it, but this time you depleted yourself so completely that you have to heal like the rest of us mortals.

Slowly

."

I shrugged, unable to muster the energy to be anything other than fatalistic about the prospect. "I've been wanting a vacation." Alisaie looked as if she was about to deliver a scathing retort, but I didn't give her a chance. "

You

don't to be angry at me for sacrificing myself.

Either of you

." I swallowed hard, but didn't suppress the tears that spilled over when I thought of how it had felt when the cloud of darkness had shredded them to nothing. "You left me

alone

, and I didn't know I could bring you back."

Since even the twins couldn't argue with that, I was left to finish my sandwich in peace as the two of them conferred outside my room.

Alisaie came back in just as I had finished my fourth and decided against a fifth. She sat down next to me, and we stared unhappily at each other for several seconds before she found her voice. "I won't apologize, because truthfully, I'd do it again," she said stiffly.

I sighed and looked down at my hands. "I know. And I get it. More than I'd like to. Which is why I've been trying not to yell at you. But." My chest suddenly felt like it was full of knives, and the sandwiches turned into a cold, hard lump in my stomach. "I don't think I could have beaten the Endsinger if you'd stayed dead," I choked out. "And if I had, I know I wouldn't have made it back."

I burst into tears, shaking with the grief I hadn't previously allowed myself to express, grief that I was now too tired to resist. Alisaie wordlessly pulled me into her arms and stroked my hair as I sobbed with belated loss and terror.

Exhausted as I was, I wasn't able to cry for long.

"Feeling better?" Alisaie asked, pressing a kiss to the top of my head.

"A bit." Which was the truth, but I still felt miserable enough that I buried my face in her neck.

"How about this, then?" I couldn't see Alisaie's face, but I could hear the smile in her voice. "I won't be mad at you for sending us away during your fight with the Endsinger if you won't be mad with me about getting you there in the first place."

"I can agree to that in spirit, but your wording is suspiciously specific," I grumbled, not bothering to change positions.

"You didn't

have

to fight Zenos."

Alisaie was right. I shouldn't have, and I regretted it. Immensely. But I wasn't about to tell her that. Still, my position was rather undercut when I couldn't keep myself from letting out a face-splitting yawn.

I yelped in surprise when Alisaie reacted by lifting me and carrying me over to the bed, where she deposited me in a not-at-all-subtle suggestion that I get more rest.

Another even larger yawn convinced me I was right. "G'raha's not still mad at me, is he?"

"He's..." Alisaie grimaced, and I ached at seeing how deeply her face showed the strain of our recent experience. "He is angry with you, but he doesn't want to be. So now he's even angrier with

himself

." She sighed gustily and shook her head. "And I think he's... having trouble with the memories that Ultima Thule stirred up. Or rather, I know he's having trouble, and I'm guessing about the rest, since he won't talk to me about it."

I felt a sharp pang of concern for my idiot Mi'quote boyfriend. "Well," I said, keeping my voice intentionally light. "Tell him if I can manage to forgive you and Alphinaud for abandoning me, I suppose I can forgive him for turning himself into crystal.

Again

."

Alisaie laughed as she gently pushed me onto my back and pulled up the covers. "I will. Now close your eyes and get some rest."

"And tell him I miss him," I mumbled before sleep claimed me once more.

- - -

G'raha was reading a book in my sitting room the next time I woke up and shuffled out in search of food. Despite having been warned by Alisaie, it was hard not to react to how terrible he looked. The bags under his bloodshot eyes made me suspect that he might not have slept at all since our return.

He looked up at me as I approached and smiled with forced jocularity. "Ah, Savvel! I see my guess as to when you'd awaken was accurate. Alisaie went to get dinner for all of us - she'll be back shortly. I also took the liberty of reading you while you were out, and you'll be relieved to know that you should be able to do things

besides

eat and sleep by tomorrow." He fidgeted nervously with the book in his lap as he spoke, looking so fearful that I was going to be angry with him that I didn't even have the heart to tease him about how utterly predictable he had been in choosing crystal transformation as his method of self-sacrifice.

"Instead of arguing about which of us is angry at who, how about we skip all that and admit we're both idiots," I groaned as I flopped onto the couch next to his chair. I looked over at him through half-lidded eyes, taking shameless advantage of the fact that I knew G'raha found me irresistible when I was sleep-rumpled. "Though if you tell Alisaie I said that, I'll deny everything. Now come here."

The wondering disbelief in his eyes almost broke my heart in two. "You... you're sure?"

"

Raha

," I shot back, packing those two syllables with loving derision. "I'm too tired to sweep you off your feet properly, so meet me halfway here."

G'raha's eyes were watery as he finally tumbled forward into my arms where he belonged, and for several minutes we said nothing as we just... held each other. And it was everything.

Alisaie returned a few minutes later, carrying what seemed like an obscene number of bags until I mentally tallied everything I had eaten since first waking up. She grinned when she saw G'raha and I cuddling on the couch, though I noted that the tension in her shoulders didn't ease completely.

Not that I blamed her. G'raha was clearly in worse shape than I was.

Alisaie set out her purchases on the table and we helped ourselves to a selection of our favorite foods from The Last Stand. I shared a concerned look with Alisaie when G'raha just stared at his burger instead of biting into it.

"I... I want to ask you something," he said slowly, his voice almost completely toneless.

"Okay," I said gently when he seemed to need a prod.

G'raha's ears were flattening themselves against his head. "I suppose it's more accurate to say that I want to ask you

for

something. Though, I acknowledge that it may sound foolish, or silly, and that you might not... you might need..."

"Raha." Alisaie said, with such exquisite tenderness that she even surprised herself. "Tell us what you want."

G'raha's ears came up slightly, but his tail continued to twitch. "What would you say to going away where no one could get at us for... say. A week? All three of us?"

"I'd say that sounds nice," I responded cautiously. "I'm under strict orders to get some real rest this time anyhow. Where did you have in mind?"

"I... I didn't have my heart set on a particular destination, as such," G'raha demurred as he unaccountably started to turn pink. "I was thinking more of. Ah. A possible agenda."

We said nothing and waited him out.

"I want to be your free use fuck hole for a week," he finally blurted out.

It was just about the last thing I would have expected, and - from the expression on her face - Alisaie was just as surprised as I was.

G'raha whimpered and folded in on himself when we didn't respond quickly enough. "I'm... you're... I'm sorry. That's stupid. Obviously, it's stupid. Forget I--."

"

Stop

," Alisaie ordered, rising from the table. "We were surprised, Raha, not angry. Now report to the middle of the sandwich."

We'd previously worked out a protocol for when G'raha was feeling panicky about asking for things. As the tallest, I lay on my back on the couch, G'raha could lay down on top of me, and Alisaie climbed up to lie on his back. As always, G'raha - who found the compression deeply soothing - squirmed for a moment before he relaxed into it with a deep sigh.

"You don't have to explain why you want it," I said as I softly stroked G'raha's ear. "You don't have to justify your wants to us if you don't want to."

He shivered and turned his head into my caress. "I know," he said, and meant it, causing me to exchange a pleased smile with Alisaie. "I do want to, though."

"Okay." Alisaie wrapped her arms around G'raha's waist and kissed the back of his neck. "So tell us about it."

"Tail first," G'raha grunted. Once Alisaie had adjusted her legs so that his tail was free, G'raha took a deep breath and started to speak, though his delivery was halting and uncertain.

"What I said to the Omicron. It's something I've been wrestling with for a while. Which version of myself am I? Am I the G'raha that woke up in an alternate timeline full of atrocities that never happened? Am I the Crystal Exarch, who saw everyone around him as chess pieces? Both? Neither? I certainly don't wish to be either of those people. In the other timeline, it wasn't possible to remain kind and accomplish my goal, so I eschewed kindness for practicality. It was sufficiently distasteful that in the First, I made kindness my guiding star, but instead fell into secrecy and paranoia that left me just as isolated.

"Now that I am here... As the timeline I sought to prevent no longer exists, and I am not made of living crystal, I can tell myself that I am a new person that is separate and distinct from my other selves. And yet. We have the same soul, and I not only carry their memories, but I continue making the same choices. Every version of myself has turned himself into crystal as a sacrifice for the greater good, so... am I really so different from them?

"It was easy not to think about all of this when I first awoke after our return to the Source. After all, I had everything I ever wanted - romance, sex, companionship, adventure. How could I feel anything but joy in getting everything I had ever dared to dream for myself after a century of sacrifice and suffering? Second chances of such magnitude are exceedingly rare, so I promised myself that this time, this time I wasn't going to throw it all away. That we'd find another way to reach our goal, and that I'd be standing with you at the end. But we know how that worked out.

"That it didn't need to be permanent was the happiest, most impossible thing imaginable - I have yet another chance to do it all properly! And I know I should be grateful, overjoyed even! I shouldn't feel so angry and... confused. But I don't know how to move forward, because I don't know which version of myself I am anymore. How can I avoid making the wrong choice again when I don't know which version of me is making my choices right now? All of which is to say that you... both of you. Are something I chose for myself, something that my other selves didn't have. And I get that it probably sounds crazy, but I just... I want this."

"Sorry. Listening, but. Off," I wheezed once I was sure he was finished, as I didn't think G'raha's self-confidence could have withstood an interruption just then. "Didn't realize how much harder this couch is than the one at the Rising Stones, and it was getting hard to breathe."

Alisaie snorted with amusement as we rearranged ourselves so that G'raha was sprawled across my legs and Alisaie was leaning against him. "It's okay to ask for things you want," she asked once we were all settled again. "But from what you're saying, it sounds like this might be something you need."

G'raha nodded reluctantly. "It just feels like a stupid thing to need, I guess," he mumbled self-consciously.

"So what you're proposing is that we go somewhere isolated for a week where Alisaie and I can fuck you wherever and whenever we please?" I clarified, frowning thoughtfully as I recalled the message from the Admiral that I'd scanned while eating breakfast that morning.

There was another even more embarrassed nod from G'raha.

I cleared my throat. "Well. It just so happens that as part of the official thank you from the City-State of Limsa Lominsa to the Scions of the Seventh Dawn, the Warrior of Light has... or rather, I've been granted deed to. Uh. My own island. Which - to my understanding - comes with a fairly basic farm and a small mammet workforce.

"If I remember correctly, it's about a day's sale from Moraby Drydock, which would mean two days travel and five days to do as we please. Would that be acceptable?"

Alisaie - who knew how much I hated being famous - had a shit-eating grin on her face by the time I finished. I glared at her, which only encouraged her to revel in my discomfort even more. "I'm sorry, are you telling me that one of the founding city-states of the Eorzean Alliance gave you an entire island as a thank you for saving the star?"

I sighed. "I suppose. Yes."

"You should be very flattered, Raha," Alisaie exclaimed as she pretended to be starstruck by me. "The Savior of our star is offering to make you their fuck toy for a week on their personal island."

I was relieved to see G'raha relax enough to snicker, even if I didn't enjoy being the butt of the joke. "Keep it up," I huffed. "And I'll take G'raha and leave you behind."

"Oh don't be like that," she scoffed, then turned her gaze back toward G'raha. "Sounds pretty ideal to me. How does it sound to you?"

"It sounds perfect," G'raha replied, looking stunned that we were taking him seriously. "And... you're sure--"

I cut him off with a theatrical sigh. "Well it does sound rather awful - lounging around on a tropical island with nothing trying to murder us as we eat, sleep, and fuck you whenever we feel like it. But if it will make you happy, I suppose Alisaie and I will find a way to manage."

"We'll struggle through," Alisaie added, grinning at G'raha's embarrassment. "Somehow."

"All right. Let's talk and eat. I'm still starving." I shoved G'raha until he got up, then detoured to my desk long enough to grab one of my notebooks and a pen before joining my lovers at the table. "So. Rules," I said, waving my pen to indicate that I'd be taking notes.

Adorably, the fact that I was going to take notes while we defined the parameters of this trip in detail was what finally made G'raha relax. "Yes, I suppose it would be good to establish those."

"Can you say no to sex?" Alisaie asked cautiously.

"Hmm." G'raha took a bite of his burger and frowned as he considered his answer. "I can say no, but I won't, as long as no restraints are used."

"You want to surrender your agency, not to have the choice taken from you," I guessed.

G'raha shot me a look of relief at being so well understood. "Yes. That's it exactly."

I jotted 'G'raha is allowed to say no' and 'no restraints' down in my notebook. "Since we're going to be fucking you, what rules do you have for us?"

"You can use my holes however you like, so long as the only things that go in them are body parts. No toys or foreign objects. I don't want to do anything that will leave bruises, or that would result in sunburn. And no fucking directly on sand."

I winced at the unpleasantly visceral mental image that the last item conjured as I added those three items to the list. "All extremely reasonable. Now - are you allowed to come?"

This time, his answer was almost immediate. "Yes, but I don't want that to be the focus. I want the focus to be you using me for your pleasure."

"Oh." Alisaie's face lit up as an idea occurred to her. "Can we keep score?"

G'raha blinked in confusion. "Of... how many times you use me?"

I rolled my eyes at Alisaie, knowing instantly that she was turning this into another competition. "Alisaie, you're in your twenties and I'm still, as you keep pointing out, half dead. You're going to win."

"I know! That's why I want to keep score!"

"You're ridiculous," I muttered, adding 'keep score' to the list. I then made a face as an unpleasant thought occurred to me. "Given Alisaie's youth and... uh. Enthusiasm, a week of unrestricted access won't leave you feeling... uh. Over-used, will it?"

"I have healing magic," G'raha replied, trying and failing to sound diffident. "And there's a spell. A cantrip, really. I can use it, or I can teach it to you - you're both proficient enough not to have any trouble with it."

Alisaie's smile was incandescent. "You know a

lube spell

?" she asked, sounding as if all of her birthdays had just happened at once.

"You can find almost anything in the archives if you're patient enough."

"I take back everything terrible I've ever said about books. I love research," Alisaie proclaimed fervently.

I snorted and took the opportunity to eat more of my meal. The other two did the same, and silence descended for a few minutes as we briefly diverted our attention to the enjoyment of our food.

"I suppose it's reasonable to ask what each of us wants in terms of possible agenda items," G'raha said once he'd finished his burger. "Mine's rather obvious. I want to be used for your pleasure. But if we're going to be on an island, swimming would also be nice. Garlemald was too cold, obviously, and we were too busy in Thavnair."

"No fucking and ocean swimming at the same time," I muttered, pre-emptively adding that to the list.

"Spoilsport," Alisaie quipped.

I knew she was joking, but that didn't stop me from glaring at her anyway.

"How about you, Savvel?" G'raha asked, ignoring our sniping.

"Gods," I groaned. "

Naps

. I don't think I'll ever be caught up on sleep again." As unsexy as that impulse initially seemed, it did conjure some intriguing possibilities. "Actually... how would you feel about being woken up by me fucking you?"

G'raha's ears perked up as he considered the question. "I don't know, but I think I'd like to try it."

"You'll use a safe word if you hate it," I admonished. "Or I won't do it."

He nodded and ate a few fries as he considered the prospect further. "Be gentle if you wake me up that way, I think. No being forceful or throwing me around." He paused and turned slightly pink. "You can be forceful and throw me around when I'm awake. If you like."

"As long as we don't restrain you or leave bruises," I reminded him, making the appropriate notes. "All right then, G'raha's agenda is get fucked and go swimming - which is an admirable agenda for relaxation if I've ever heard one. I've got three things for my personal agenda. One, I want to use G'raha as a cockwarmer while I take a nap. Two, I want to wake G'raha up at least once in the morning by putting my cock inside him. And three, I want a day where I don't get out of bed before noon."