The End

A/N: Thank you for reading all the way to the end, hope you enjoyed the whole thing. This work was sponsored by my Patreon; if you'd like to support my next story, you can go there to pledge and to see the full, uncensored version of Fuck The DC Universe/My Week With Everyone, complete with illustrations.

*****

When he woke, it was late in the evening. He felt relaxed and well-rested, better than he had in years, except for a slight bit of heartburn. Funny; all he'd had to eat in the past twelve hours was Karen's edible panties. Getting up, he had a quick wash in the shower before draping himself in one of the hotel's robes. Then came a knock at the door.

Ted had a brief moment of panic. Karen had mentioned only booking the room for so long; had he overslept and drawn the hotel detective to kick him out? Or was it Supergirl come to ask him to take her virginity? Both seemed equally plausible, though he was hoping for the first. He didn't have a jackhammer on him, after all.

It turned out to be neither, proving his life was as implausible as ever. Booster Gold stood in the doorway. "Boost!" Ted cried, greeting him with a quick hug.

"Boost?"

"New nickname I'm trying out," Ted said. "You can call me Blue, Big Blue, the Blue Meany if I'm being snarky... come in, come in. I think I still have some room service left if you're hungry..."

"I'm not—any pizza?"

"Few slices. From Salomi's."

"Split 'em with you."

"You're feeling generous."

Seconds later, they were eating cold pizza in the kitchen. Thinning hair on Booster, soft belly on him, it was still like no time had passed at all. They were back in the days when the biggest thing there was to worry about was what shit was going to come out of Guy Gardner's mouth.

"You would not

believe

the week I've been having!"

Booster smiled, though it seemed a bit hard. Maybe his futureball injury was acting up again. "Try me."

"First, I catch Zatanna fighting some demon monk guy."

"Were you suited up?"

"No, I had on a Star Wars T-shirt."

"Awkward."

"Yeah, get this—she drags me into the nearest alley and rides bareback."

An eyebrow raised: "That so?"

"Yeah, I swear. I know it sounds crazy—"

"No, no, I believe you. Sounds like a crazy week."

"

That is not the half of it.

I get home, try to get some shuteye, guess what I wake up to?"

"Batgirl?"

Ted blinked warily. "Okay, there are about six Batgirls, so that's not a fair guess. But yes. And I won't lie—she was the guy in that meeting."

"Ouch."

"

But then

Mary Marvel showed up and she—gave me a care package."

"Oh?"

"Peanut brittle, some Nutella, it was very nice of her."

"I'll bet."

"Fast-forward to last Friday. I get a drink with Max Lord, so expecting the rest of my evening to be just your standard decontamination procedure.

Instead,

Power Girl pulls up in a limo—apparently she's a businesswoman in real life—and..." Ted didn't even know how to put it. "Power Girl fucked my tits. I mean, I fucked—it was her boobs, man."

"Yeah, gotcha, gotcha."

"No, seriously!"

"I believe you!"

"Well, you shouldn't! Because after I spend three days climbing the walls with her, I finally get some sleep and wake up to Wonder Woman

and

Wonder Girl in my bed."

"Wonder Girl? Isn't she in the TEEN Titans?"

"No, the other Wonder Girl. The old Wonder Girl."

"Troia?"

"Is that what she calls herself?"

"Said the Blue Beetle, misplacing his sense of irony."

"

Point is!"

Ted insisted, "I can't explain any of it. I might as well be insane. Am I in a straitjacket right now? Are you visiting me in an insane asylum? I don't know, maybe! I think I just had a threesome with Wonder Woman, what do I know?"

"You're not hallucinating," Booster told him. And for some reason, Ted found that a bit unsettling.

"Is it hot in here?" Ted tugged on the collar of his robe. "This thing is fluffy, but I don't think it's

that

fluffy. I'm sweating."

"Listen, Ted, I want you to relax. Just breathe, deep and evenly, and don't try to move."

Ted felt himself tingle with panic. "Alright, Booster, are you pranking me? Because that is a really creepy, mean prank to play. That's a prank the internet would make."

"Ted, do you watch Doctor Who?"

"Booster,

of course

I watch Doctor Who."

"Then you know that some bits of time you can alter—save people, change courses, rewrite history—and then there's hard time. Things you can't change. Even if you want. Even if you really, really want to."

"Yeah, that's why the Doctor can't stop the Titanic from sinking, it's a fixed point in time. So wh—is this a fixed point?"

Booster bit his lip. "Relativistically speaking."

His heartburn was getting worse. "What can't you change?"

"Ted, fourth-dimensional physics is hard to explain—"

"I'm smart; try."

Booster sighed. He took off his goggles. He took down his cowl. "This isn't the original timeline. Heck, the original timeline isn't the original timeline. My subjective past is already full of time travelers and retcons and—I've been helping to fix things. In my timeline, before I changed it, Sue's dead..."

"I don't believe it—"

"Max Lord is a supervillain..."

"That I can believe."

"And he shoots you. Shoots you in the head, Blue."

Sweat stung into Ted's eyes. He wiped it away with the back of his hand, eventually using the sleeve of his robe. "But you changed it, right, you fixed things?"

"Some. What I could. But it's not all—you have to die, Ted. It's part of the plan, the will of the universe, a bad roll of the dice, whatever you want to call it. We've had this conversation before, a dozen times, and I lose you every time. This time you're just having a heart attack."

"So call 911, fly me to an ER, get Dr. House to look at me—"

"I've tried that!" Booster interrupted, teeth gritted. He instantly regretted his outburst, wiping at his worn face. "You spend twenty hours in pain instead of two minutes. Or a nurse messes up your prescription and you convulse to death. Or the ambulance gets hit by a truck. Nothing changes."

"Then why are you here?" Ted tried to laugh. "Wanna get back that twenty bucks I owe you?"

"I wanted to see you off. Ted, in the timeline where Max killed you, people

worshipped

you. No one—none of us—knew what we had until you were gone. I pulled some strings with the Monitors, had them just... move that feeling around so people felt it before you died instead of after."

"That's what was going on with all the women? They all wanted me to go out with a bang?"

"So to speak. I thought—if you had to die—better to go out from doing too many ladies than because Max Lord wanted to take over the world."

"That's fair. Oh!" Ted clutched his chest. That really did sting. "Thanks, Booster. I'm—actually kinda cool with this. Probably the only way I was ever going to have a threesome, let alone with the Wonder Twins."

"

You did them too?"

Booster cried.

"What? No, Diana and Donna."

"Oh. Right. Yeah, actually in one timeline you're married to Fire

and

Ice, so..."

"You couldn't have let me have that one?"

"And the world is ruled by Orca."

"Even so..." A sudden pang drove Ted out of his seat and onto the floor. Booster rushed to the side, getting an arm around his shoulders, holding him tight.

"Easy. That's the worst of it. It's just like going to sleep now. Just let go."

Ted blinked. His eyesight was getting dark around the edges. He didn't think it was going to get better. "Wanna hear something funny?"

"Always."

"I don't really care about me—I'm worried about you. What are you gonna do without me around to tell you how stupid you're being?"

Booster almost managed a smile. "I guess I'll just have to stop being stupid."

"Oh, that old plan..." Ted closed his eyes. "You were great, Booster. You were really, really great. The best friend a guy ever had. And I'm not just saying that because I've screwed more superheroes than Ryan Reynolds."

Ted was glad he couldn't see, because it sounded like Booster was crying. "Hey, people come back all the time, right? Ice just came back. The Birds of Prey—I'm not gonna say goodbye. I thought I could, but I can't. I'm not. See you later, jerk."

"See you later, asshat."

***

After The End

"So, am I a ghost now? Do I get to haunt people? I can think of a lot of people, currently unhaunted, who could use a good haunting."

The Goth girl smiled at his antics. He was taking his death rather well. Much better than the last time. Sometimes she could get so annoyed with superheroes—always nipping back to the material world like the afterlife was a time-share—but this one...

"No haunting," she informed him. "What's done is done. I'll be escorting you to your just rewards right after."

"Right after what?" Ted asked.

Death smiled at him. Then she undid her studded belt. "And don't even think of saying 'not today'."

She led him to a velvet-covered chaise in an odd magenta that Ted hadn't noticed before. Ghost furniture, he thought bemusedly. Death laid down on the pink cushions, gently peeling her leather pants down her legs. Her crotch was dark with hair, perfect blackness between her sugar-white legs.

"I know how you guys are. You'll die before you eat pussy. But guess what?" She reached down, opening up her dark-haired mound. Well, it was good to know not

all

of her was white. "Enough flirting with Death. Time to make good."

"With pleasure." Ted got down to kiss her navel with a tickling tongue. "Might be a different story if you weren't so... fleshy."

"Is that a subtle way of telling me I'm fat?" Death moaned suddenly, tensing her muscles against him. Her hands slid through his hair. "You were expecting maybe a black guy with skis? Someone in a dark robe with a big scythe?"

Ted didn't resist as she pulled him even closer. "Let's just say I wouldn't have been surprised by a boner."

His lips traveled over her cool belly until he felt the curly fur between her legs. Ted ran his nose over the oyster-pink lips, scenting her secret perfume. "This place smells of Death," he intoned in a heavy voice.

Death looked down at him, unamused. "Get to work, mortal. I get enough of that from Deadpool."

"Who?"

"

I said

don't worry about it." She preened, raising her crotch to his face. He planted his lips against hers and kissed softly until her belly was shivering and fluttering before him. Soon, he doubted she could hold still at all. Her whole body was writhing and twisting under his tongue; he put his hands on her thighs to hold her down and found them clenched tightly.

"That's more like it," Death keened. "Very nice..."

He wasn't going for nice. Moving up, Ted licked hard and fast at her clit. With each lap he felt it pound with her pulse. The more he licked, the faster it pounded. Her fingers dug into his disheveled hair and every breath she took was a sighing sob.

"Coming!" she reported breathlessly. "I'm coming!"

He clamped down hard on her clit with his mouth, vibrating his tongue against it, and she had to clap a hand over her mouth to keep from screaming. She jerked and kicked with the violence of her orgasm, gushing onto Ted's face. She was still panting when he pulled away from her. The lower half of his face was glossily wet.

"This tastes like Smirnoff Ice!"

"Of course? Haven't you heard that Smirnoff Ice tastes like death?" She ran a lazy hand through her pubic hair, then peeled off her tanktop. Her breasts were pale white with black nipples. She played with them, letting him watch for a moment before opening her legs again. "Back to work now, lover-boy."

"But I thought..."

"You're a superhero," she reminded him. "Why would you ever think Death would only come for you once?"

He had wanted to try something new anyway. Lowering his mouth to her still shuddering body, he pried his tongue into her labia lips. Death felt them wetly open, something hot and wild sliding in between, flailing wildly inside her as it burrowed deeper. Almost immediately Death was straining upward in answer to him; she cried out as his tongue wedged inside her and glided back, glided back and wedged inside her like a gentle lover.

"That's it, that's it—eat me! Make me come all over again! Oh, all those cancer patients and suicidals, they all say 'fuck death,' but none of them ever do! Fuck me!

Fuck me!"

She was squealing as his tongue lapped greedily at her inner walls, prompting a steady flow of her juices that he swallowed up gulp by gulp. It only took a few minutes of furious effort before she was climaxing again, wailing in total abandon, unable to stop even if she wanted to. Fresh spasms shot through her and she shook in obliging pleasure.

"Peachy keen!" she cheered as a series of earthquakes began, centered on her tongue-filled sex. She fell back to the couch, her hips in an upswing that mated her cunt to Ted's face, writhing and twisting herself into Ted's mouth, until her gleeful release was finished. And still her eyes fluttered with the remembrance of what had happened as she laid in a gasping heap before Ted, as he rose before her, his cock painfully stiff, needing to be salved by her glistening pussy.

"Oh, Ted!" she gasped desperately. "Please, put that beautiful cock inside me! I need to feel it inside me—pounding away!"

Ted paused for only an instant. "You sure we have time for the full nine rounds?"

Death's eyes drifted to the side as she considered it. "I don't have that much on my plate—I suppose I should get around to picking up the Joker one of these days—oh, hell, let the Black Flash do it. He never does anything anyway! Now don't keep a girl waiting, Kord—get that cock to Death's door!"