Fuck The Dc Universe Ch 05

A/N: Due to this website's policies, we'll be skipping the Mary Marvel chapter, but if you'd like to read it, it is available on my Patreon under the name D.E. Skeen.

Mary left—without getting dirty again—after her bagel. There was nothing else for it. Ted had to call Booster. He dialed as he went to his fridge, grabbed a beer, and wrestled with the cap. Damn beer bottle caps. Why couldn't they just twist off like bottles of Sprite? Why'd you have to get a

special opening mechanism

when there were a billion better options? It wasn't even classy, like champagne corks...

"Hey, you've reached Booster Gold...'s answering machine. I'm gone, but I'm not time traveling right now. Honest. If I were time traveling, wouldn't I go back in time to pick up the call I missed? See? Logic!"

Ted growled before the beep cut him off. "Booster! Pick up! I've just gotten more action in the past twenty-four hours than I did in four years of high school and I think I may have committed a sex crime. Call me back!"

Phone in hand, Ted looked at his contact list. Who would understand, who could help him out? He'd just done perhaps the most indecent, scuzzy, schmucky, scummy thing of his entire life. He wasn't an antihero! Maybe in Gotham, they knew how to bounce back from underage sex scandals in-between almost killing the Joker and bondage sex with Catwoman, but this was—wait.

Sleazy. Scuzzy. Slimy. Crooked. Dishonest. Shady. Untrustworthy. Max Lord!

***

Max opened up the bottle, let it breathe for a moment, tracing his nostrils delicately over the rim, then tipped it with languid carefulness into the glass. He did the same for Ted's cup, then brought the two glasses to Ted, who thought he was being a bit ostentatious for serving Smirnoff Ice in Maroney's Bar & Grill.

"First off, don't worry about the chick. We're in Connecticut, the age of consent is sixteen, plus, if all you did is masturbate, that's just indecent exposure. They barely make you register for that. It's like 'oh, yeah, whatever, he's a sex offender.'" Max made a jerk-off gesture.

"Stop that."

Max realized the double meaning. "Sorry."

"And 'first off,'" Ted griped, "that's a horrible way to begin a conversation on statutory rape. Second, I don't want to know how you know this."

"Well, you know, clones, they're technically less than a year old, but when you're artificially aged..."

"I said I don't want to know! And hey, Will Rogers, I'm not worried about going to jail."

"You should be, they hate child molesters in there."

"Shh!" Ted looked around to see if anyone had heard. Thankfully, they'd gotten a booth. "I'm worried about being the kind of creepy pervert

who would need to know his state's age of consent.

Wait, wait—she's sixteen—it's your age, divided by two, plus eleven, so I was born in—crap, I'm old. I'm a dirty old man. I'm gonna have to start listening to Katy Perry music."

"It's plus seven, so—"

"I'm a dirty old man and I missed out on Britney being hot!" Ted thudded his head into the counter.

"I don't suppose you'd tell me how it is you're having sex with multiple beautiful women? And little girls?"

"If I knew, I would—well, I wouldn't tell you! But I don't know!"

"Hmm... did you sell your soul to Neron?"

"No."

"Were you recently hit by a Genesis Wave?"

"

No.

"

"Have you merged with any counterpart with a parallel dimension; maybe someone over there has game."

"No!"

"Bitten by alien parasites Angon, Gemir, Glonth, Lissik, Pritor, Venev,

or

Slodd?"

"No!"

"Are you secretly a Manhunter?"

"No!"

"Okay then, I got nothing."

***

Ted left the bar a few beers later. Max had been spectacularly unhelpful, but it was only fair—Ted had been spectacularly unhelpful to him numerous times. He was buzzed, but still smart enough to know better than to drive. Of course he was smart—he was a genius playboy inventor philanthropist... how did that go? The good thing about living in a gentrified neighborhood was that he could just walk back to his apartment, and so he did, stolidly placing one foot in front of the other and only running into a lamppost once. Twice. Okay, three times, but he absolutely was not going to walk into any more lampposts, swear to Christ...

"Ted? Did you just run into a lamppost?" a woman's voice asked.

Ted growled. "Why are there so many lampposts anyway?"

"They... provide light and need to be at regular intervals?"

"Why can't there just be one big lamppost?" Ted insisted, cradling the lamppost now, possibly strangling it for the violence it had done to his forehead. "We can turn it on during the day, when people need the light, then in the evening, we lower it, and when people should be in bed, we turn it the hell off."

"That's the sun, Ted. You're talking about the sun."

It was Tora Ola... Ted wasn't even going to try to recall her last name. Tora Ice. She was a dainty platinum blonde with fine, soft Nordic features, sparkling blue eyes set in an oval face under a mop of bobbed hair. An oversized sweater and a knee-length skirt, both in maroon and green, made her look like the heroine of a young adult novel. Cute as a button. Not at all like that Elsa queen from the movie.

She

was a bitch.

"Tora!" he cried in final recognition, throwing his arms around her in a hug. "How the hell are you? What's new? Did you ever make it back onto the Justice League? I heard they let Congorilla onboard. What are they trying to do, hit a quota? Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are gorillas..."

"Ted, you're hugging a lamppost."

Ted shoved it away. "Screw you, buddy," he told it. "We're not friends."

Tora took his arm in her delicate hands. "Come on, Ted. Let's get you home. It's only a few blocks away."

Her hands were chilly, of course, but in a bracing way. He found himself sobering as they crossed Fisher Street to Ted Mark Drive to Williams Boulevard. On his block, he felt his mind was unclouded enough to attempt conversation again.

"You know, I must be really drunk. I thought maybe you were here to have sex with me."

Tora blushed. "Oh no, no, I was just going for a walk when I was lucky enough to come across an old friend. But I wouldn't say no to a drink."

"Heh! Travel back in time thirty minutes—I'll have more than enough!"

Tora patted him on his arm as she led him into the lobby. From there, Ted was able to navigate the elevator and apartment key by himself. "Good thing you came along when you did. I've got to tinkle like a racehorse. If you hadn't shown up, I probably would've ended up whizzing in an alleyway." The key proved more problematic than he had anticipated. He concentrated on aligning it with the lock.

"That's not so bad," Tora pished. "Guy does it all the time."

"Yeah, but say a cop sees me. He writes me a ticket. I forget to pay it. I get hauled into court. On the same day, a felon busts loose. They think I'm in on it. Before you know it, I'm in the clink, up the river, locked up—" Ted got the key inside and turned it so hard it nearly broke. "I've seen it happen a million times. Wait right there, I have to write my name on the porcelain..."

"Hey doc," Beatriz da Costa, the superheroine known as Fire, said in a sultry voice, laying across the mouth of his entry hallway. "Need my fire lit. Mind lending a hand?" Suddenly, she noticed the third that made their company a crowd. Her eyes narrowed. Then her eyes widened in recognition, seeing it was Ice. "

Tora? What are you doing here?

"

"I could ask you the same question!" Tora replied at the same high pitch. "Though I would ask what are you doing in those clothes!"

Bea's bronzed body was obscured more than concealed by a shiny slip of black satin which ran taut over her full thighs, flat belly—drew equally tight where it was stretched from the nipple of one firm, rounded breasts to the other. Her face was a cosmetic work of air—eyeliner like an Egyptian queen, green lipstick echoing the green-hot flame of her hair. Her slip was translucent enough to show that there was no such echo between her legs.

Ted, though, had no time to appreciate the fine caramel spread of Bea's flesh. He was urgently headed for the bathroom, ready to step over Bea to get to it when she sat up in a huff. "Listen, Tora, I love you, but you really have to get out of here. Ted and I have some urgent, pressing business to discuss—"

"Dressed like that? I'm sure!" Tora was working herself into a state. "Why are you always doing this to me? Every time I like a guy, you have to make a play for him."

"Are you calling me some kind of slut!?" Bea roared. "You just have shitty taste on men, because they always hit on

me.

Not that I'd blame them..."

"So now you're prettier than me—"

"I didn't say that!"

"You implied—"

"

Oh,

now I implied..."

"You did!"

"Excuse me, please," Ted said, trying to edge down the wall to get past Bea.

Her hand lanced out, pressing to the wall and blocking the way. "Hold up, Ted. Would you, an impartial observer, mind telling Tora that she—is being—

ridiculous!

"

"You're being ridiculous," Ted parroted, trying to step over Bea's hand.

"Don't just say it!" they both shrieked at once.

"She shows up in an outfit even Starfire wouldn't wear—" Tora began, as Bea spouted "As if you weren't doing the exact same thing!"

"Not dressed like that!" Tora insisted.

"So I'm honest about what I want. I don't play hard to get; guys appreciate that."

"I bet they do!"

Bea was confused now "That's what I said?"

"That is what you said!"

Bea put her hands on her heart, not noticing now that Ted was free to rush by her. "What's the big damn difference between dressing up in some cute outfit and acting like Natalie Portman for forty-five minutes while you nerds talk about Doctor Who when all you really want to do is bone,

so you bone?

I'm direct about it! That's my thing! That's what works for me!"

"Who said I wanted to bone Ted!?"

"You don't?"

"I didn't say that!"

"What did you say?"

"Nothing about boning!"

"Well you should've! That's my whole point!"

Not that Ted was hearing any of this. The Niagara Falls of his urination, and his own relieved groan, was far too loud for him to hear Bea and Tora rehashing an old argument as only old friends could do. By the time he'd washed his hands and splashed some cold water in his face, he'd nearly forgotten they were in his apartment, much less arguing over sleeping with him. So it was doubly a shock when he stepped out of the bathroom and found the two women hugging, Tora sniffling a little.

"I'm a bitch," Bea apologized. "I can be such a bitch, I'm so sorry—"

"No, it's my fault, I can be so judgmental sometimes. That's not me talking, that's my mother talking... not that I don't love my momma."

"I love your momma!" Bea insisted. "She's a great gal. Very understanding! She's just, you know..."

"I know," Tora said in a confiding tone. She nodded. "I totally know."

"You wanna fuck this guy? Together?" Bea asked warmly.

Tora hugged her tighter. "You're my best friend."

"You're

my

best friend."

"We should get matching tattoos," Bea suggested before turning to Ted. "Strip." Then back to Tora. "What about I get something like a snowflake and then you get a little green flame?"

"That'd be perfect!" Tora enthused. "He's not stripping, though."

"He's not?" Bea looked at Ted again. "Ted, c'mon. You're killing me here. We have this great moment of sisterly bonding, we agree to share you instead of fighting over you like a pair of bimbos, and what are you doing?

Wearing clothes!

"

"I, uh—" Ted was somewhat confused as to how he'd managed to seduce two women at once. Had he blacked out? He didn't think he was black-out drunk—nor likely to be that seductive while he was drunk, unless women as a gender had a newfound appreciation for the Funky Chicken. "Have we

all

been drinking?"

"Honestly!" Tora cried, exasperated. Together with Bea, she frog-matched Ted to the bedroom, where they threw him down on his back atop the bed. "We are two powerful, sexual, self-actualized, empowered, and independent women who just want a hot cock stuffed in our greedy cunts, and

you

are being impossible! Not very feminist, is it Ted?"

"No," Ted said distantly. "I suppose... not... are you doing something with my belt?"

Bea whipped it out of his pants. "What makes you ask?"

"Because I think..." Tora undid the button at his fly. "Maybe you..." Bea pulled down his zipper. "Could be..." Tora spread open his boxers. After a look to Bea, the green-haired Brazilian took his cock out. "I'll shut up."

"Wow. Never actually touched a soft one before," Bea noted. "Feels weird."

"Ted, you'd better get hard," Tora suggested helpfully.

"I had a lot to drink..." Ted said defensively.

"Seriously, your dick is creeping me out. It's like a dead elephant's trunk."

"Yeah, that's gonna help me get an erection. That analogy right there."

"Maybe you could take your clothes off?" Bea asked Tora.

"What? Oh, I couldn't possibly..." Tora peeled her sweater off. "I mean, if you insist..." She unzipped her skirt, revealing a crisp pair of white panties to go with her thin white cotton tee. "Is this okay?"

"Yeah," Ted said. "More than okay..."

"And maybe..." Bea drew close to Tora, "if we..."

"Yes?" Tora replied, pursing her lips already.

That helped. It helped a lot.

"I love when you suck on my tongue," Bea moaned, grabbing two handfuls of Tora's petite ass. The little blonde blushed at the compliment. "Why don't you try that on Ted's cock?"

Tora was unsure, but a quick slap on the ass from Bea was dare enough to convince her to try it. She slid between Ted's open legs and found his stirring cock with her hand—tried licking gently at the head, like she was afraid of it. Bea knelt down beside her to watch, proudly, as Tora wrapped her lips around the cockhead and sucked softly, sweetly, like she was enjoying a lollipop. Ted groaned, his cock stiffening and growing longer, much to Tora's amazement.

"This is so neat!" she said while her mouth was briefly free, then actually put it inside her mouth, feeling his shaft fill with pounding blood right between her cheeks. He grew and grew until it seemed her mouth would be stuffed full. She slipped loose of him before she gagged. "Wow! He's really hard, and I barely did anything! You want to try, Bea? I think he has enough for both of us!"

"Don't mind if I do," Bea answered, her eyes slits of lust. She descended on Ted like a well-paid whore, none of Tora's prim and proper lovemaking whatsoever. She messily took Ted to her throat, slobbering all over his rod as she gagged herself, popping wetly off his cockhead as she vibrantly pumped up and down with her burning-hot mouth.

"Oh wow..." Tora said again. She felt warm. Very warm. She wondered if something was wrong with her panties. She felt like they were burning her crotch. "Ted, would it be okay if I..." She crawled onto the bed. "That is, if you don't mind, could I..." She rolled one leg over his face, now kneeling over his head. "That is, if it's alright with you?"

Bea reached up and pulled Tora's panties down. The request was infinitely clear.

Ted put his hands on her waist, nearly circling her trim abdomen, and urged her down until her white pubic hair was being lowered to his mouth. She creamed helplessly at the first touch of his tongue to her clit. If there was one thing the past few days had done, it was to teach Ted

exactly

where that was.

"You guys! You guys!" Tora looked from Bea to Ted like she was following a tennis match between them. "Oh geez! Oh gosh! Something's

happening...!

"

She squirted. She squirted a lot. In fact, Ted thought he knew some fire hoses that could stand to learn a thing or two from her.

"Not frigid at all, is she?" Bea joked before slipping her moist lips back over Ted's cockhead. She teased her tongue over his glans before she

really

got going, sucking up and down over his stiffness, slurping it without any concern for dignity. Tora's excitement was getting to her.

Hands feeling her own body warm from groin to cleavage, Tora arched her back, sliding her juicy sex across Ted's ecstatic tongue. It felt wonderful, but what was even better was when he exerted his strength, holding her still to circle her swollen clit with the very tip of his tongue.

"Wait a minute, I need a minute, I need--!" Tora came again, not half a minute after her last time, and squirting just as much.

Purring, Bea slid her lips down Ted's beautifully hard member, looking up just in time to see the huge jet that spewed from Tora's labia. Her sultry eyes flew open. She wasn't sure if she was impressed, confused, or just jealous.

Sure, she'd seen porn movies where that happened—only because they were pornos about League members, and she enjoyed watching those ironically and to see if the guy who played Booster Gold was any good. But whenever she'd seen

that

happen, she'd assumed it was fake. Smoke and mirrors, camera tricks—water-guns. But hell, she'd traveled through time, met angels, and known one too many aliens for her tastes. What was female ejaculation compared to that?

Then she saw Tora pinching her nipples, squealing as Ted's tongue fucked away inside her, and Ice came again. Just as hard, just as

much.

Bea had to wonder where it was all coming from. Was Tora part-camel?

Bea had to keep up. She went down on Ted and didn't stop this time, just went lower and lower on his cock until her throat was a hot tunnel lying before his shaft, her mouth down around his balls.

Ted almost didn't notice being deep-throated. His eyes were fixed on the Nordic girl gyrating atop his face. Tora was grinding her pussy down on his face, dancing for every upward sweep of his tongue, loving every movement of his tongue inside her despite her panicky words. "Ted—Ted, you're gonna kill me! Gimme a minute, just—"

Eyebrow raised impishly, Bea put her hand on Ted's sack and squeezed tightly. That did it. He started fucking her mouth, Bea's green-wreathed head bobbing up and down just as furiously as Ted fucked his way into her throat. Tora's pleas for mercy went joyously unanswered.

"Oh, fuck you guys! You fucking pricks! You dirty fuckers! I hope you—you--!" With a shrill squeak, Tora came. She sprayed all over Ted's face, the pillow under his head soaked by now, and further smeared his mouth with her convulsing sex.

Bea loved her body as much as you'd expect, seeing her body, but at the moment, she'd be happy to take Tora's for a joy ride, just to know what that felt like. Was it uncomfortable? Did it hurt? Did it hurt

nice?

Maybe she should try Amazon. There had to be a book on it. Hell, maybe she should ask Starfire. If the rumors were true, Troia and her had done that a lot. And Dick. And Roy. Maybe even Deathstroke...

"Nice," Tora breathed as her feelings subsided to a level that she could think through. She climbed off Ted's inundated face. "Very nice."

"Sorry, did you say something earlier?" Ted asked. It'd been hard to hear with her thighs wrapped around his ears.

"Not a thing." Tora exhaled happily, and twisted off of him to crawl down to Bea, dragging her small breasts over his body until she was at his stiff prick. She smiled as Bea lifted herself off Ted's spit-shined hard-on. "My turn?" she asked hopefully.

Bea kissed her quickly. "Our turn," Bea replied. And they both opened their mouths to devour the fat erection between them.

Ted was staring at Tora's dripping cunt, wondering if he should dare to provoke it any further, when he felt a new sensation wash over his stalk. They were so different that he could easily tell it was Bea sucking violently at his cockhead, while Tora's soft tongue bathed his blue-veined prick like a gentle snowfall, sweet and cool. As Bea went deeper, opening her throat up to him again, Tora sucked one of his balls into her snowbank mouth.