Leila and I both started reading Fifty Shades of Grey. Although some of the scenes were definitely erotic, we found the story a bit lame and the characters rather superficial. Indeed we found ourselves increasingly amused by some of the writing. I was thus inspired to write the spoof below. Leila loved it -- I hope you do to!
*
'Come on girl, get a grip.'
Doctor Leila Lispasia steeled herself and clutched her black medical bag a little tighter. She remonstrated sternly with herself - there really was no need to feel like a virgin on a first date. In any case everything she had heard or read about the famous Nathan Buggersworth made her wince with disapproval. Rich beyond belief, impossibly good looking, a string of glamorous blondes testified to the most deviant sexual preferences. She knew she would hate him with a passion. As she rang the doorbell to the impressive, yet understated, terraced house in South West London she steeled herself with every ounce of professionalism her training had given her.
The door swung open to reveal a woman who by any stretch of the imagination could only be described as stout. Very stout.
Extremely
stout. Leila was surprised and found herself blushing. Stout Woman regarded her dispassionately with beady black eyes, pinpoints of disdain in a slavic face. Even though it was high summer the woman wore heavy cloth in unremitting black. Gathering herself, Leila thrust out a delicate hand.
'Dr Lispasia. About Mr Buggersworth's bowel complaint?'
Stout Woman stared at her for a moment or two, no signs of comprehension in that fleshy deadpan face until finally she spoke, her accent thick and unwelcoming.
'Osskipper'
Leila blushed even more furiously, failing to understand.
'Horse keeper?' she enquired as politely as she dared.
Stout Woman shook her head emphatically and raised her hands which Leila noted for the first time were adorned with bright yellow plastic gloves.
'Osskipper.'
Leila's quick mind groped for a moment then realisation dawned.
'Ahhhhh you must be Mr Buggersworth's housekeeper?'
Stout Woman nodded vigorously and stood aside to allow Leila to enter the short hallway. Leila took in the exquisite oak flooring, the antique clock already chiming the quarter hour and the three twee ceramic monkeys on the shelf, one with his hands over his eyes, one over his ears and
holy cow that's strange
! The third monkey had his hand wrapped around a monstrously erect monkey penis and was grinning manically. Leila blushed heavily and averted her eyes. Stout Woman was motioning her to pass through into what appeared to be a reception area. But before she could do so an even stouter woman of equally Slavic countenance appeared in the doorway, almost entirely blocking what little light there was in the crowded hallway. The grinning monkey receded thankfully into the dark.
'Erm', ventured Leila rather hesitantly, 'Mr Buggersworth's other housekeeper?'
What was it with all the Stouts? Did Mr Buggersworth have a thing for Stouts? But what about all those glamorous blondes mentioned in the extensive media coverage? Or was there some more sinister explanation? 'Perhaps', mused Leila beneath her proud and sensual eyebrows, 'perhaps these were trained bodyguards scooped from some spartan East European secret service following the fall of the Berlin Wall?'
'Niet,' said the Monolithic Stout. Leila wasn't sure whether the denial related to her polite confusion over domestic status or whether somehow Mrs Monolithic had been reading her thoughts. Leila's delicate nostrils detected a sour scent of body odour and fought the urge to wrinkle her seriously cute and sexy nose. She blushed again and held up her medical bag in search of some kind of primal gesture of recognition.
'Mr Buggersworth's bowel complaint?' she essayed again.
A gleam of understanding flashed momentarily in Mrs Monolith's expressionless eyes. Leila felt the Monolith's eyes look her up and down and felt a shiver of disapproval. Apparently satisfied, Monolith threw her head back over her shoulder and a voice like rolling thunder erupted from her chest.
'Meeester Kreeeestian?'
From somewhere near Monolith's massive hips a small chipmunk-like face popped into the hallway, spotted Leila and smiled broadly.
'Aha!' His voice was sibilant and flattened by a distinctive lisp. 'You must be the gorgeous Doctor come to see poor old Bugger's bottom. Come on ladies, let the
luvvverly
lady doctor in. My oh my, aren't
you
a pretty one?' He stood for a moment leaning back, lips pursed, his hands on his hips shamelessly admiring Leila's svelte figure. She blushed furiously and felt very conscious of her bare legs. She knew she should have worn a longer skirt. But Mr Christian's inspection was over and he was flapping his hands at the Stouts who were scattering before him, for all the world like a couple of bush elephants being chased by a demented wasp. Once the path was cleared he took Leila by the arm and steered her into the reception room, which Leila noticed was exquisitely adorned with the most expensive collection of posters of stunningly handsome male models.
'Mmmmm darling', fluttered Mr Christian, 'I just know that the old Bugger is going to
love
