Everybody Loves Raymond-Debra Acts
Debra Does Porno
(a fictional story about fictional characters)
When the phone rang, Debra hesitated before answering it, sure it was more bad news from a creditor...it was. Wally, their long-time mechanic, was calling to inform her that their car had blown the engine, and they either needed a replacement engine, or a different car. "Damn Ray," she thought. He had driven all the way to Newark for a job interview, and on the way back the car overheated. Instead of stopping, he had kept right on driving until the engine seized up, and forced him to stop. Not that she should have expected much more of him: he had absolutely no mechanical knowledge whatsoever. She still loved him, but now that he no longer was a good provider; he didn't bring much to the table.
Just then, as if she wasn't in a bad enough mood, her overbearing mother-in-law, Marie, blew in through the kitchen door with, "oh hello Debra, where's Raymond?"
Debra replied sarcastically, "nice to see you too, Marie. Robert (his brother) treated him to a day at the driving range. Since he doesn't have a job, he doesn't get to golf much anymore." She knew that last part would crank Marie up...implying that her favorite son was not providing for his family. Debra was not in a good mood, and she had no patience for her know-it-all nemesis. Marie always seemed to pick the most annoying and inopportune times to come barging in. The twins, Michael and Geoffrey, had just been to the dentist's office and they both were going to need braces in the near future. In vain, Debra had been pouring over her budget, attempting to find the funds necessary for everything. Until Ray had been "downsized" (a fancy term for "laid-off") by New York Newsday where he had been employed as a sports columnist; money had never been a problem. Actually, she guessed that she had always taken their financial well being for granted. What was the old saying, "you never really appreciate something until it's gone."
"Oh, that's nice," replied the oblivious Marie, "he's such a good boy, and he's been under so much stress lately."
"He's not the only one," muttered Debra as she began to put the checkbook and bills away in the kitchen drawer, knowing that with Marie there she would never get it done. "Was there something you wanted, Marie," Debra inquired.
"Oh yes, I almost forgot," Marie told her, "I wanted to treat the kids to a day at Coney Island. Frank won free tickets at the lodge, and I wanted to ask Raymond."
"You know, you can ask me Marie; I'm their mother," replied an agitated Debra, " and I think that would be a wonderful idea, I'm sure they would love it."
"Well, OK dear," Marie answered as she left through the kitchen door, "I'll ask Raymond when he gets home."
An exasperated Debra grabbed the nearest object, a cereal box, and threw it at the closed door. "I swear one of these days I am going to strangle that woman," she hissed under her breath. She reminded herself that it was actually her idea to buy the house directly across the street from her in-laws. Their daughter Ally was just a baby and when she found out she was pregnant with the twins, she and Ray knew they had to move out of her little apartment. Frank, Marie's husband, had mentioned that this house was available and she had jumped at the opportunity to be so close to her in-laws. Ray had tried to dissuade her, but Debra had insisted that it would be great to have the extra help, and a handy babysitter. Debra felt like banging her head against the wall, as she remembered how excited she had been. Why hadn't she recognized how exasperatingly pushy and meddlesome Marie really was? Why didn't she ever lock their back door?
Remembering what she had been doing when Marie blew in like a tornado, Debra knew she had to call her friend Sheila and ask about any available employment opportunities. Ally was at a friend's for a play-date, and Michael and Geoffrey were in the living room playing video games (which they seemed to do constantly); so she went upstairs to her bedroom to make the phone call. Sheila was a professional photographer who Debra had met when she had some "boudoir" photos taken as a gift for Ray on their tenth wedding anniversary. That photo session had evolved into an erotic encounter involving Sheila, her husband, and his friend. The encounter had actually changed Debra's life. Sheila revealed that she often took erotic photos for "niche" magazines, and had developed many contacts in the adult entertainment field. Since that initial meeting, Debra had taken several jobs of an x-rated nature after being referred by Sheila. Every time Debra desperately needed extra income, she contacted Sheila.
When she punched Sheila's number she got the answering machine, and left a short missive. Not sixty seconds later her phone rang and it was Sheila returning her call, "sorry Deb, I was busy with a model, but I am so glad you called because I have a job that would be perfect for you. One of my contacts is a producer of adult films and he is looking for a mature actress to play a housewife. No offense about the "mature" label, he just meant someone not in their twenties. I hope you don't mind that I showed him some of your photos; but he thought you would be perfect for the role. The only drawback is that, I guess, the movie has a Summer theme and they are filming this week so that they can get the film into production immediately. I'll give you the director's number and you can call him if you're interested...just make it quick."
Debra thanked her friend, "no offense taken...I am mature. You know by now that I trust your judgement. I'll make a decision and call him today if I decide to take it. Thanks for thinking of me."
After mulling it over for several minutes, Debra decided to call the number Sheila had given her. She wasn't entirely sure about appearing in a commercially released x-rated film, but she didn't think any of their close friends (or relatives) watched that type of movie. If she accepted the job, she would make sure her picture didn't appear on the box cover; and she reasoned she should be safe. Just making the call didn't mean she had accepted the job, just that she was interested. After making sure the boys were still occupied, Debra once again retreated to her bedroom and placed the call to the film's director.
He remembered immediately seeing her pictures at Sheila's, and sounded relieved she had called. His name was Mark, and he admitted he was the writer, director, main cameraman, production manager, and film distributor of the project. He said that the only thing he didn't do was act. The producers, who financed the film, wished to remain anonymous, so he honored their wishes. Mark explained that he had an actress all lined up for the part, but she had backed out at the last minute. He was desperate because filming had already begun, and they wanted the DVD to be in stores before the end of Summer.
Mark went on to explain the plot: "the film is a take-off on another main-stream movie; you will probably recognize the similarities. It takes place in the Summer on a small tourist driven New England island called Harmony. The police chief is Martin Brady and you will play his wife Ellen Brady. The only access to the island is by water, small plane or helicopter. The auto ferry doubles its schedule to the island in Summer to four round trips daily. One day a small motorcycle gang, made up solely of ten black bikers, comes over on the ferry; and no one is shocked that they remain on the island after the last ferry leaves. It isn't unusual to have tourists spend the night in one of the Bed & Breakfast houses on the island."
"Their motive is far more sinister though," he explained, " they intend to take over the island and make it their own personal vacation club for a few days. Their plan is to call the mainland marina and tell them that due to a large oil spill, the harbor and docking facilities will be closed for a few days during the cleanup. They plan to cut the power to the only cell-tower on the island, and to the switching-station for land-line phone service. This should ensure that they have complete control of the island for a few days."
"The script calls for the gang to take over the police department, which consists of the chief and one deputy, and make the police station their headquarters," Mark continued, "here's the familiar part: the name of the biker gang is JAWZ, spelled J-A-W-Z. The logo on the back of their leather vests is the outline of a toothy shark's mouth with a motorcycle in the middle...like it was swallowing the bike. You would be required to have sex with the actors playing the gang's members...a lot of sex. Well, what do you think, Debra? I really need your answer now, because you would have to film the day after tomorrow. Also, I envisioned Ellen Brady to be a blond...do you have any objections to dying your hair?"
Thinking about all the sex was turning Debra on, so it was difficult for her to think clearly, but she knew she was desperate for the cash. She reasoned that dying her hair blond would make it more difficult for anyone to recognize her if they watched the movie. "OK, I'll do it," she heard herself blurt out on the phone. Mark enthusiastically gave her the directions to the warehouse where the film was being shot, and it was only about a half-hour from her home. He assured her that she wouldn't be needed for any outdoor scenes, and they would be added later when the editing took place anyway. After hanging up, Debra checked the bathroom to see if she still had some blond hair dye left over from a previous job...she did.
