Episode 4: Sex Education With The Fowlers
All was not well in the Fowler house. Pauline had just found out that her son Martin was in fact the father of Sonia's baby. After yelling and screaming for around half an hour at Martin, she decided her efforts were falling on deaf ears, and a more direct approach was required. She sent him to his room, and told him she would deal with him in the morning. Martin was woken early next day by his curtains being flung open and turned to see his mother with a carrier bag from the chemist in her hand. "Right then Martin...," she said sternly..." We need to have a little chat." Martin sat up slightly in his bed as Pauline reached a hand into the bag. He blushed with embarrassment as his white-haired old mum pulled out a packet of condoms and held them up to him.
"If you must have sex, you might want to think about using one of these," she snapped sarcastically. "Er, yeah right mum, I will" Martin replied sheepishly, his face still flushed red with shame. "That's not good enough, I'm afraid" she replied as she opened the box, "You need to know how to use one properly." She took one of the contraceptives from the box and tossed the open box on the bed in font of her. Then, she reached back into the bag and pulled out a cucumber she had earlier purchased from her eldest son Mark's fruit and veg stall in the square. Martin squirmed uneasily as he watched Pauline's mature fingers carefully tear the little flat square packet open. "When you open it, you need to be very careful not to damage it, or it won't work properly," she instructed as he looked over to where her teenage son lay.
Quite understandably, Martin had now become a fetching shade of crimson, and was attempting to cover his face as best he could with his pillow. "Martin!..." yelled Pauline angrily as she held the open packet between her dainty pale fingers, gripping the cucumber firmly by the end in her other hand..." This is for your benefit, not mine," and yanked the pillow from his hands, knocking it to the floor beside him. Deciding he wasn't paying full attention to her attempted sex education lesson, she leaned over and tossed one of the other condoms over to him. "Right, open it up like I showed you" she said indignantly and stood, hands on hips watching as he gingerly picked up the packet and tore it open as his mother had moments earlier. "Very good..." she smiled... "But just to make sure you're paying full attention I will be expecting you to be able to copy everything I do after I have finished demonstrating"
Not wanting to prolong the agony any longer than necessary, Martin agreed and decided it was probably best he pay attention first time. Pauline then removed the rubber sheath from the packet and held the tip between her forefinger and thumb. "First you must make sure there's no air in it," she said as she placed the cucumber between her knees to hold it firmly in place for the following steps. "Next..." she said, placing the condom at he thin end of the long green salad vegetable between her slightly wrinkled legs..." You place the end on the tip of your penis." Martin grimaced slightly, uncomfortable with his own mother using the word 'penis' in his presence. Then he watched as she began to unroll the thin rubber sleeve slowly along the length of the vegetable between her knees. "Then you carefully roll it down along the length of your shaft, still holding the tip like this" she followed as her hand slid easily along the lubricated latex sheath until the condom was fully unrolled along the cucumber.
Then came the part Martin had been dreading, as Pauline held up the cucumber proudly and said to her son "You're turn, let's see what you've learned from you're old mum." Martin really didn't want to do this at all, but he knew she wasn't going to leave him alone until he had done it, and said "OK give me the cucumber then." Pauline's next statement made his stomach sink and his face drain of all its colour.
"Its no good you using a cucumber..." she laughed..." You need to learn using the real thing." Martin looked over worriedly at his mother and spluttered "But mum.." before he was immediately interrupted by Pauline who rolled her eyes and tutted at his protests. "Don't be silly Martin it's nothing I haven't seen before, and you don't want any more little accidents do you?" Martin agreed with her second point whole-heartedly, but her first point held no weight with him at all, true she had obviously seen it loads of times, but that was over 15 years ago, and it had changed somewhat since then. "I think I understood fine how to do it from you're demonstration mum" he offered, knowing this would not be enough to satisfy her. "Stop messing about Martin, I've got better things to do than this you know, just get on with it will you." Martin took a quick glance beneath the covers at his groin and grinned to himself there was no way he could possibly carry out her order in that state. "Mum, I can't do it anyway, I'm not, er... 'ready' if you know what I mean" he said smugly nodding in the direction of his flaccid genitalia beneath the covers.
Pauline was somewhat sceptical of his remark, knowing full well he would do anything to get out of doing what she had told him to do and she whipped back the duvet and stared at Martin's boxer shorts. He was telling the truth, if he had an erection before, the sight of his 50-odd year old mum giving him an impromptu lesson in contraception would soon have killed it stone dead. "Well that's too bad, but I'm not leaving till you've done it, so you better sort it out" she replied, unmoved. Martin stared at her in disbelief, "What am I supposed to do?" he asked nervous of what her reply would be.
"Well..." said Pauline "Haven't you got any magazines or something to help you." Surprisingly for a lad his age, he hadn't any such stimulating material, and even if he had, he would hardly want her to find out. "No, I don't have anything like that mum" he said, surely she would let him be now. Again Pauline was unphased by his reply; insistent he was going to do it. "Well I'll just have to help you then won't I?," she said sharply as she removed her cardigan and unfastened her long black skirt. Although she was quite willing to continue undressing, it was really a tactic to shock him into admitting his ownership of some pornographic aids to get him hard. However, as he actually had no such material he was forced to lie there dressed only in his cotton boxers, now without the added comfort of the duvet to hide his stunned expression. Pauline stepped out of her skirt and walked slowly over to Martin's desk.