Emma Stone Gets Messy At The Oscars

"And the Oscar goes to Emma Stone"

These words had been uttered almost an hour ago, but Emma Stone could barely believe it. She went through her press interviews afterwards with her head positively in the clouds. Nothing as surreal had ever happened to her as winning the Oscar for Best Actress.

She was instructed to go to a private room after the interviews were over. The memo specified no other person could be with her. It made her feel nervous, ever with the official Oscar stationary it was written on.

She got there on time and was relieved to feel safe and elated. Inside must've been two dozen stunning actresses that Emma admired so much. There was Gwyneth Paltrow, Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Lawrence, Halle Berry, Charlize Theron, and of course, Meryl Streep. It didn't take Emma long to connect the dots: all of these women had won Best Actress before.

"Oh my God!" she squealed. "This is such an honor to be considered alongside all of you." She looked around and saw portraits of all the women adorning the wall, on the lower half were individual cloths, apparently covering something.

"We're more than honored to have you a part of this esteemed group, Emma" Meryl said. "I suppose you're wondering why you're here?"

"Well, yeah," Emma said. "Is it like a private party?"

"Sort of," Meryl said. "Who's turn is it to reveal this year?"

Sandra Bullock put her hand up and walked up to her portrait. Taking down her cloth, it revealed a video screen underneath. It started immediately with her looking confidently at the camera.

"Hello, I'm Best Actress winner Sandra Bullock, and I'm about to take a shit."

A gold plate, engraved with Sandra's name on it, was placed under her as she lifted her dress and pushed out a fresh loaf of poop. As her asshole expanded, you could hear cheers of how big it was, as well as a few teases about the smell. Halle Berry came up to wipe her and showed the dirty toilet paper to the camera.

Emma was speechless. She looked around and saw more and more beautiful actresses taking dumps out in the open. Hilary Swank was lying on her back as she pushed out an enormous log. Julianna Moore laughed as her poop landed on the floor instead of her plate. It was so much to process. She suddenly heard Jodie Foster begin to speak.

"If you're wondering, this started with me." Jodie said. "After I won for Silence of the Lambs, I had a really upset stomach. I was looking everywhere for a free bathroom stall but no luck. So I rushed into this empty room and pooped."

"Did anyone find out?" Emma asked.

"Not at the time," Jodie said. "I left my turds on the floor but I'm sure they thought some vagrant did it a while ago. No one comes here anyways."

"Then what happened?" Emma asked.

"It made me feel a little gross but also rather sexy," Jodie said. "I was at one of the most glamorous events and had won one of the greatest awards, but there I was pooping in the naughtiest way possible."

"So how did it become a tradition?" Emma asked.

Emma Thompson spoke up.

"I won the year after and got a note just like you did," Emma Thompson said. "I walk in and see Jodie, a plate, and some toilet paper. I thought it was some hidden camera prank. But I got to take the greatest poop of my life." Just about everyone concurred with this sentiment.

"And everyone has done it since then?" Emma asked.

"Yes," Jodie said. "If you're an adult and you win Best Actress, we invite you. We don't pressure you or anything. But it's an incredible bonding experience and no one knows about it but us."

"No one?" Emma asked skeptically in Meryl's direction. She had won her recent Oscar for "The Iron Lady" but was named Best Actress in 1982 for "Sophie's Choice."

"I assure you, I was in complete shock to learn of this new tradition," Meryl said. "But now it's what I look forward to the most every Oscar night."

"I still don't get one part of this," Emma said. "How were you all able to go?"

"You're sitting for hours and you have all that nervous excitement in your stomach," Julia Roberts said. "We all had to go and we know you do too."

Emma knew they were right and accepted her fate. She was handed a plate that was just engraved with her name and the year. The camera was about to start rolling and everyone gathered around to watch. Cate Blanchett cued her and she dived into her introduction.

"Hello, I'm Best Actress winner Emma Stone, and I'm about to take a shit." She saw strong nods of approval around the room, which made her feel better.

She was told that she could position herself any way she wanted, just as long as they captured the poop coming out of her. She knew she had to pee as well and got a special cup to take care of that. She decided to first piss in the cup, doing her best to keep her poop inside. With the last drop of pee out, she felt herself starting to crown. She hiked up her gold Givenchy dress and lowered her panties. She did some mooning to great approval from her audience. Squatting down, she let out a huge turd that landed with almost a thud. She heard gasps right after she pushed out smaller bits. Brie Larson had been the designated wiper and tenderly dug into Emma's asshole, revealing surprisingly clean toilet paper.

Though her dump was huge, Emma still managed to get it all on the plate. She posed seductively but humorously next to it while thanking the camera for letting her poop for her audience. As the video ended, she was given a tremendous round of applause. She was already having an unforgettable evening. Now, it was even better. She couldn't wait for next year.