It was five shopping days until Christmas and Clara had decided to get herself a present.
Danny had been gone for months and the Doctor almost as long; she knew nothing could fill the void in her heart that Danny had left, but there were other voids. Her vibrator had been good for them, but one overnight trip in the TARDIS and the Doctor had cannibalized it to build a Zygon detector. She needed a new one and it was time for her to stop feeling sorry for herself, go out, pick one up, and fuck herself silly.
In Clara's experience, when it came to sex shops, there was a spectrum between scummy and militaristically political. She preferred the political ones, even if they spent way too much time trying to draw her into lectures about the exact differences between bisexuality and pansexuality, and so went to the same place she and Danny had frequented. She resolved not to feel any shame. She was a normal woman with a normal vagina and if she wanted to put a few things in it, that was her business.
She went through the door, reminding herself not to feel shame. The only thing to be ashamed about was feeling shame, and she didn't. She just walked in, looked to the counter, and saw Missy giving her a cheery wave.
"Hello dearie!" Missy called, doing a hate crime of a Southern accent. "We have a special going on anal beads, you know—how lovely. Or perhaps a nice knock-out beam?"
The next thing Clara knew, she was hitting the ground.
***
When she woke, she was tied, of course. Time Lords didn't do anything by half-measures. She was in a dungeon, stripped to her underwear, her body crisscrossed with cords to hold her in a suggestive position. If that didn't come as a shock to her, this surely did—tied up across from her was Amy Pond, four-time winner of the Universal Most Legs Award.
She was dressed, insofar as she was dressed, in something a die-hard Fifty Shades of Gray fan might wear to a midnight premiere. A leather bodice with built-in corset, the thong riding high between her thighs (really, her labia—shaven, naturally), the bust low-cut but connecting to a choker around her neck. Opera gloves and thigh-high boots, made of the same shiny black leather, completed the picture.
"Okay, I'm really not too sure about any of this, but isn't the dominatrix supposed to be the one who isn't tied up?" Clara asked.
"That's the issue you wanna take with this?" Amy asked. God, her accent put Clara's to shame. Clara felt like Gwyneth Paltrow holding a conversation with Kate Beckinsale. "Amy, by the way."
"Yeah, of the Ponds. The Doctor talks about you all the time. Tidge annoying, kinda endearing."
"Him all over, yeah? And you must be this year's model."
"Clara Oswald," she said, trying to sound full of self-esteem. "The Impossible Girl."
"Girl Who Waited," Amy replied.
"Who'd keep you waiting?" Clara asked. Was she a natural redhead? Judging by what she could see of that very revealing bodice—yup. "That outfit is, well, completely catering to the male gaze and encouraging an unrealistic depiction of S&M, but you are
rocking
it."
"Thanks! You look good too."
"Oh, these old things?" Clara bit her lip as she looked down at her underwear. It didn't even match. "Can't believe I got snatched on laundry day."
"Yeah. Laundry day. No, don't listen to me, you're gorgeous. Your face is truly unfair."
"Oh, God, don't go complimenting me piecemeal when you're the complete package! I mean look at you! Is that a thong in the back?"
Amy looked over her shoulder. "Yup."
"I bet your ass looks great."
"It's okay."
"Oh, don't be modest. Do your thighs have any cellulite? I can't see any on them. I've seen aliens with more attainable physiques."
"Yeah, but what about your boobs? Sure, say you don't like your bra, but that just means those knockers are all you!"
"A leg man would definitely go for you."
"Who goes for legs anymore? It's all about tits these days! Sure, I'm a model, I'm all slender, but do you know what I'd give for curves like yours? I bet you've got a backside a black guy would go for."
"
Thank you,"
Clara said with a sniffle. Danny had always liked her butt. "Wait—how'd you get out of 1920s New York?"
"Twas I!" Missy said, coming down the stairs. She, thankfully, still dressed like a cabinet member of the Ministry of Magic, and not any kind of Torchwood person. "Amy, meet Clara, Clara, meet Amy. And you won't believe how I arranged myself this little tête-à-tête."
"Time-traveled somewhere else, then took a taxi?" Clara guessed.
"Exactly."
"Told him that would work!"
"So what's the game?" Amy demanded. "Hold us hostage,
lure