Dirty Deeds of Dic Dragonbone

Author's Note:

Thanks to DarkSwordsmanReturns for the term: gobjob!

A fantastically fictional adventure in celebrity erotica.

A Young Man Seeking His Path To Honor, Glory, & Sexual Prowess,

On His Quest For Knighthood & To Get Laid,

He Will Need Help Along The Way.

With

Brie Larson as The Fighter

Elizabeth Olsen as The Witch

Hayley Atwell as The Healer

Taylor Swift as The Bard

Babes, Bumpkins & Baddies Await In...

The Dirty Deeds of Dick Dragonbone

*****

Chapter Two: Gobjobbed

Starring Hayley Atwell

Codes: MF, Fantasy, Handjob, Titfuck

*****

Shadows danced on the velvet-smooth cave walls, curtesy of the flickering torches held aloft. The burning pitch-covered rags roared with a gentle hum, keeping the otherwise oppressive silence at bay. The only interruption was the occasional

*DRIP*

of condensation from somewhere beyond the ring of dancing flame. It made Richard jump every time. The adventurers tiptoed forward as quietly as they could, one after another in a line, moving through the curvaceous passageways. Stale, damp air-filled Richard's lungs, along with some kind of tangy sour aroma that he couldn't quite put his nose on. The overall atmosphere did nothing to soothe the hammering of his heart. It banged so loudly against his oversized, ill-fitting breastplate that he was convinced the others could hear every frantic beat.

At the forefront of pack, Brie held one clenched fist high, the signal to stop. It was plain as to why. Opening up in front of them, numerous passages branched off in a myriad of directions. Too busy trying to watch his footing on the slick stone floor, Richard bumped into the back of Hayley as they came to halt. Stumbling backwards, he recoiled from the buxom brunette like he'd been burnt and nearly lost his footing. About to eat shit and give away their position, he managed at the very last moment to find his center of balance and right himself. Exhaling his pent-up breath, he straightened up to see the rest of his party watching with expressions ranging from pity to amusement to disbelief.

"S-s-s-sorry." He hissed through clenched teeth, his jaw locked with nerves.

Lizzie rolled her scarlet glowing eyes exasperatedly and let out a long sigh before turning back to face the front, shaking her head from side to side.

"Fear not Richard." Hayley whispered, the posh and proper sound of her voice a calming balm for his frayed nerves as she placed a gentle hand atop his armor. "Have heart. No misfortune will befall any of us this day."

Gulping, and trying to wet his dry lips with an equally dry tongue, Richard nodded stiffly. His sweat-soaked palm tightened around the hilt of

Thrust

, the longsword given to him on his eighteenth naming day. The only gift he'd ever received from his father. Truth be told, today was the day he had hoped to christen the blade. Bathe it in the blood of his foes. Or at least exchange blows. Actually, the thought of all that blood made him a bit queasy. Best not to dwell on it.

"J-j-just s-so I can hear it again, y-y-you all have dealt with goblins before. R-r-r-r-right?"

Brie snorted, the echoing derisive laughter rebounding uncomfortably loudly down the mazework of stone passages. Placing a single finger to her ruby red lips, Taylor flashed a scolding look at Brie.

Approaching the rear, Brie grabbed him by his shoulder and shook hard, rattling his head and armor alike. "Yea Dick. Plenty of times. Goblin's are small potatoes, but this job pays well. Almost too well. And something you'll learn quickly in this line of work: take the best paying jobs. Especially when they're easy and especially when a foppish noble is footing the bill."

The party had been hired by said noble to deal with a goblin menance. Well, menace was a strong word. Nuisance was probably more accurate. A band calling themselves the Gobjob Goblin's had moved into the Cooter Caverns and were causing all sorts of commotion for the nearby quiet hamlet of Shaggin. Harassing traveling merchants, they mooned, flashed and hurled feces along the roadside before buggering off. At night, they snuck into the village doing everything from nicking knickers right off the clothesline to pissing in the well to leaving flaming piles of poop on people's doorsteps. Worst of all, the lot of them were peeping tom's, watching men and women alike as they bathed in the nearby creek, furiously masturbating the entire time.

The posted job had immediately attracted their attention when they stopped for the night in the village, and after a bit of haggling, terms were agreed upon. A day of reconnaissance and now they were deep inside the cave. For the life of him, Richard hadn't been able to figure out why it was called it the Cooter Caverns, even as they passed between the rosebud-pink stone lips, and the thicket of dense brown bushes that made up the entrance. But that thought had been a while ago. Time was tricky in here. It might have only been a few minutes. Or it might have been hours. Now they were surrounded by that same smooth slick pinkish stone on all sides.

"Which way do you reckon? Also, how much farther do you think?" Taylor asked. "The acoustics in here are amazing. I'd love a bit of time to play around after we finish up."

"I bet you would." Lizzie said, sticking her tongue out between two held up fingers. "If that doesn't work out, I've got a cave you can practice some tongue exercises in." Taylor winked slyly in response.

"It can't be much further." Brie said, returning to the front and holding her torch even higher. "Goblins are lazy fuckers. They wouldn't want to trek far in and out every day. I say we just go left. In fact, I think I might see a pair of panties that way."

As Richard craned his neck to see what Brie saw, the eerie musty silence was rent by the clatter of footsteps and several wild, albeit nasally, high-pitched cries. From all sides, numerous stunted green forms emerged from the darkness into the blazing torchlight.

Everyone leapt into action. Everyone but Richard that was. Meeting their battle cries with one of her own, Brie chucked the torch at the goblin closest to her. Somersaulting through the air, the flaming end struck him square in the chest. Setting him ablaze with burning pitch, he screamed in pain and formed an immediate retreat. Ripping her sword from its sheath, she full on punted another goblin, sending him flying through the air before charging forward to engage three more.

"Let's see how horny you fuckers are after I chopped off those warty avocados you call balls! Come here!" The three goblins faltered, looking at each other then turned around and began to run.

With a graceful twirl of her arms, crimson magic swirled like a tempest as Lizzie lashed out. Whipping two goblins across the face with a loud crack, she sent them spinning backwards. Cackling madly, the magic coiled in her hand as she searched out for her next victim.

Deflecting a blow from a goblin with her rapier, Taylor effortlessly parried. Her opponent was wearing dirty and soiled panties on his head, like some kind of war trophy. Whispering a command in his direction, the goblin froze, stock still. Pulling the panties off his head, he stuffed them into his mouth. Then, with a violent crunch, he brought his weapon upwards, colliding with his head and promptly knocking himself out. Giving a

tut-tut

with a click of her tongue, she gracefully moved to engage her next foe.

Dainty hand held aloft, Hayley summoned a pair of brilliantly white glowing balls, illuminating the wet pink passages as the torches never had. The goblins swore and cursed, faltering in the harsh blinding light. A severe slashing motion with her other hand, cut her opponent with a flash. Then taking a deep breath, her great bosom heaving, a soothing radiant aura glowed around her voluptuous form. Settling into an action stance, she was ready to assist should anyone need it.

Meanwhile, in front of Richard was a singular fat squat goblin. Far chubbier than his comrades, dirty boils dotted his upturned pig nose and sagging paunchy cheeks. Black hair slick with grease, unwashed and unkempt, hung in curtains around his ugly face. Grinning with what few remaining yellow nubs he had left, he let out what could only be described as a battle wheeze and ran forward. Well, it was more of a jog. A fast walk really. Perhaps a hurried shuffle. Absolutely and utterly panicking, Richard dropped his torch and struggled to pull

Thrust

from its sheath. His slick hand slid right off the hilt as it got stuck halfway out. The goblin, still meandering in his general direction, but building speed, gurgled a hearty chuckle.

"S-s-s-h-h-h-i-i-i-t-t-t. Shit-shit-shit-shit!" He stuttered even as his fingers tightened and he wrenched the sword free.

It was like magic. Suddenly with the gleaming sword in hand, he felt like everything was going to be alright. It looked brilliant, something out a bard's tale, glowing in the radiance of Hayley's orbs. It looked ready to -

*TTTHHHUUUNNNKKKKKK*

- right in the nards, the overtly rotund goblin rammed headfirst into him. As every whiff of air was expelled from his lungs, Richard was pretty sure he was going to die. Or at the very least never feel well again.

"You just got gobjobbed!" The goblin squealed with glee, laughing his ass off as he bounced away.

Blindly reaching an arm out for something to grab onto, he could feel puke desperately seeking to retch forth from his body, but he was literally incapable of doing anything. Anything but try and process the all-consuming pain in his scrotum. Numb legs stumbling, they gave out from under him on the slippery pink floor and he fell backwards crashing his head against the stone. Cries and shouts seemed weirdly muffled all around him. The last thing he saw before fading into the blissful relief of unconsciousness was an enormous pair of breasts hovering above him.

***

At some point, he realized that he was awake, but he was unwilling to open his eyes or even move, lest the pain return. That and the humiliation. His first battle and he'd been knocked out cold. By a pudgy goblin no less. Just listening to the quiet around him, he could hear voices murmuring further away, and someone much closer rummaging around. Eventually he had to at least move a muscle, just to see what would happen. Stirring ever so slightly, he realized he was on a cot, not his own bedroll or the ground.

"Richard? Richard? Can you hear me?" It was Hayley's posh voice. "Richard, if you can hear me, open your eyes please."

Begrudgingly, he complied with her instructions as he felt soft hands touch his bare chest. Blinking blearily, he opened his eyes and saw the same image he had seen before passing into unconsciousness. An enormous set of breasts only inches from his face. Eyes, growing wide, he sat up, trying to put distance between him and the whooping huge knockers. Of course, this resulted him directly, but inadvertently, burying his face directly into them.

"MHHMMPPHHHFFF!!" His muffled protest sounded lame as he accidently motorboated the heavenly bosom.

Falling back to his prone position, he looked mortified as he stared up into Hayley's light brown eyes, the face of an angel hovering above the enormous rack.

"S-s-sorry..." He mumbled incoherently.

"That's quite alright. It's normal to be a bit disorientated after a head injury. You took quite a bump there. Tell me, how is your head feeling?" She asked, resting the back of her soft hand against his forehead. Besides a minor buzzing, it felt surprisingly fine and he told her as much. "That's good. I healed your concussion with magic, but I'm spent for the rest of the day. As for your other injuries, I believe your groin took the brunt of it. I hope you don't mind, I undressed you so I could apply a salve."

"You...w-w-w-hat?!?" Richard said, suddenly aware that he was very much completely naked beneath the itchy woolen blanket.

Looking down to his feet, his eyes grew even wider in horror. The tent he was pitching was large enough that the entire party could have camped comfortably beneath it. Hayley glanced down at it unapologetically, although he thought he made out the merest trace of a grin playfully touch her lips.

"Ah, yes...that. A side effect of the salve." Her face scrunched up in thought. "Actually, now that I'm thinking on it, we should probably relieve it."

Words failed Richard, his embarrassment far too great for him to even get a syllable out. He hadn't had such an erection since Lizzie had slipped into his room only to leave him with the bluest balls in the history of mankind.

"I thought it might go down by itself, but evidently not. I shouldn't be surprised. You're a healthy virile young man." Standing up straight, she clapped her hands together, and looking a bit pink in the face, said, "Ok, then. I'll take care of it."

"WHAT!?!?" Richard blurted out. "N-n-n-no." He stammered, trying to shift the blanket in a hopeless attempt to cover his raging erection. "I'll-I'll-I'll do it myself." He turned bright red when he realized the implications of his words.

"Nonsense. I'm your healer. I studied at the Grand Temple of the Goddess in Erectis. Top of my class. Male and female physiology were both major components of my studies."

Grabbing a stool Hayley placed it next to his cot, took a seat and rolled up her billowy sleeves. In an instant, her hand slipped beneath the blanket, quickly locating the base of the pitched tent.

"O-k-k-k-k..." Richard muttered as her fingers grasped his pulsating flesh rod, squeezing with a firm, yet gentle caress.

Quickly settling into a rhythm, Hayley stroked from base to tip, her eyes bright and alert as they wandered up to Richard's face. Her posture was impeccably straight, breasts standing out proudly, jiggling ever so slightly from the motion of her moving arm. Beneath the blanket, his toes curled and he bit his lower lip to keep from crying out.

"Don't worry about being loud. I've activated an enchantment Lizzie put on all our tents. To soundproof them from the inside. We can hear them, but they can't hear us. She and Taylor can get so loud at night sometimes." Richard knew of no such enchantment. He'd heard them just about every night as he tried to sleep. Perhaps she had reversed the spell, just for him. "Also, I think we can do away with this." Hayley said as she threw the blanket off of him, exposing his fully nude form.

Both sets of eyes were, of course, drawn to the towering pillar of flesh standing tall. Eyes growing wide as saucers, Hayley quickly ran her tongue over her lips as she took in every inch, harder than steel in all its throbbing veiny glory. Pink flooded her otherwise pale cheeks, although whether from arousal or embarrassment, Richard couldn't tell.

"By the Goddess...I must say. Eh-hem. This is-that is to say-you have a prime specimen of the male genitalia. I mean. You are a prime specimen." She cleared her throat loudly again. "I've studied many diagrams, but the real thing is something else entirely." Squeezing tight on the head, a dollop of precum leaked forth from the winking dragon's eye and made its way slowly down the solid swirl of veins along the underbelly.

"Mhmmm, yea..." Richard groaned, barely listening. Then her words struck him. "WAIT! You've n-n-never. I m-m-mean, you've never-umm..."

His sentence trailed off stupidly as Hayley blushed a deep shade of crimson but didn't take her brown eyes off of his face.

"Only women are allowed to study at the Temple. But do not fear, we study both genders extensively. Still, I guess you can may call yourself my first male patient. Trust me though, you are in good hands."

Squeezing tighter in that moment, the emphasis of her words was not lost on him. Any complaint or protest on Richard's lips died. Hell, who was he kidding. He had no complaints or protests. Squinting at his cock, Hayley reached down to a bag by her feet and removed a bottle from it. Shaking the crystal-clear liquid slightly, she unstopped the cork and tilted the vial, dribbling its contents down his massive upright prick.

"A bit of enchanted lubricant, grown, harvested and refined by the hands of virgins. It should add a pleasant tingling sensation."

Taking both hands now, she stacked them on top of one and another and really went to down. Her breasts now shook and trembled with the force of her exertions, wobbling like crazy beneath the confines of her taunt silky white robe. He could even make out both nipples, distinctly erect atop each gigantic pillowy mound. Forearms pumping like never before, they slid with ease across his inches, impossibly slick from the magical grease.

And tingle it did. In the most wonderfully indescribable way possible. Only Lizzie's magical handjob resembled a sensation like this. The

*SHLICK*SHLOCK*

of her working hands sounded loudly throughout the quiet tent, only interrupted by his quiet stifled groans. Still as the minutes passed, nothing continued to happen. Even when one hand reached down to massage and tickle his enormous cum-bloated babymakers, still nothing. Richard, feeling more and more nervous with every passing moment, tried desperately not to focus on it. To think of anything but the reason why he wasn't spraying everywhere, but to no avail.

Thankfully a distraction was handed to him on silver platter as Hayley, looking perplexed and with a shadow of self-doubt on her own face, leaned forward to get a closer inspection of his penis. This gave Richard a full and ample view down the front of her low-cut robes. Staring in wide-eyed wonder at her juicy hanging funbags, he throbbed powerfully in her hands. Leaning back in surprise, she stroked harder but to little effect. Leaning forward again, he again shamefully stared and twitched savagely again. This time Hayley caught him staring. Quickly looking away, he knew he was busted. Looking from his furiously blushing face, to her own bouncing boobs, something in her head clicked.

"Of course! A handjob hardly seems like enough. You seem to be quite taken with my breasts. There is another technique I'd like to try. Have you heard of a tit-fuck?"

"Yes." He blurted out. "I mean, n-n-no!"

"Don't be embarrassed. Let's try it. Can you stand up?"

Torn between shyness and desire, the allure of those massive milk makers was too much. Slowly nodding, Hayley indicated for him to get to his feet as she released him. Swinging his feet over the side and planting them on the earthen ground, he felt the grass between his toes. Standing up and swaying slightly, his head nearly brushed the roof of the tent. He did feel a bit lightheaded but the only thing he focused on was Hayley as she crossed her arms and tugged at her robe. Watching as if in slow motion, inch after inch of creamy alabaster skin was revealed as she pulled the silky garment up and over her head. When her magnificent chest came into full view Richard thought he might faint all over again. Lifted upwards by the taunt fabric, they flopped back down on her chest as she discarded the robe. Folding it carefully, she placed it to the side, sitting there in nothing but tight trousers and boots. Getting off her stool, she knelt before him, her simply massive titties spilling forth. One arm underneath them, the other produced yet more of that enchanted oil and spilled it onto her chest. The gleaming liquid seeped down, coating her boobs in drizzled lines. Placing the vial aside, her hands reached up to grab copious handfuls of that soft supple titflesh, massaging it slowly into her silky soft pale skin as she spread the oil in and around her heaving cleavage. Her fingers lingered ever-so-slightly around her areolas, tracing them in a circle before moving on.

"Ok Richard. Here we go." She said, leaning forward, a boob still in each hand and smothered his cock with goose-feather down softness until his steel was firmly nestled in-between them.