TW: Non-consensual acts, fat shaming, cheating, & cuckolding.
Hello! I am your narrator for this episode: a faceless author who should probably go to therapy. I will describe to you the horrors you're about to read involving Television's most beloved family between 2005 to 2010. You'll be asking yourself, "What kind of crap is this?" and "This author should get banned!" but the most prominent thought will be, "Why am I getting turned on?"
Without further ado, here's Cuckold Guy.
....
The Griffin Family had their usual days of chaos, but this one could never be topped. It was bigger than the Giant Chicken fights, bigger than when Stewie made his time machine, and it was definitely bigger than Lois' triangular nose that Peter poked fun at one evening.
"Hehehe, look at it, it's like half of a sandwich!" he teased while sitting on the iconic purple couch, "Nom, nom, nom! I'm gonna eat you, Sandwich Nose!" After mimicking a large bite, he made a sour face and said, "Eww, gross Lois! Your nose sandwich is made out of boogers and entitlement."
"Brian, can you turn the TV up so I can pretend I'm not part of this family?" the miserable housewife said to the family's talking dog, who somehow had opposable thumbs to complete this task. It was then that Peter and Lois' teenage daughter, Meg, had burst through the front door more exhilarated than the first man who discovered McDonald's Sprite.
"Oh my God, you guys! I can't believe I actually got it!" she squealed.
"Let me guess, a boyfriend?" Lois snickered, "Let's see how long this one lasts..."
"Nice try, but you're not gonna bring me down," the brunette smiled through her mother's cruelty, "I just won two tickets to Sleep Token's concert!"
"Sleep Token?" Brian squinted up at Meg.
"They're some rock band touring the country. All a bunch of nonsense to me," said the genius baby, Stewie.
Lois was concerned about her daughter attending a rock concert, saying it was too dangerous and satanic. "They're not Satanic!" Meg argued, "They actually sing songs about religion."
"Oh, so everybody's into singing about God now, is that it?!" said Peter, "That's exactly what those Jehovah Witnesses did to me the other day." In a show of supernatural mystery, the patriarch zoned out as he recalled the recent memory in a cutaway. When he was done, Lois continued to berate Meg.
"I don't care who they sing about, it's still not safe to be in that environment. I mean, what if you get run over by a mob or some boy puts something in your drink?"
"You really underestimate me. I've been to concerts before; I know how to handle myself."
This comment really grinded Lois' gears. She stood up from the couch and grabbed the two tickets from her child's hand.
"Mom! What the Hell?!"
"Maybe if you've never been to a concert, I would've considered. But to lie to me all this time..." she gave up on her sentence to start a new one, "You can survive missing this one." The two women rushed up the stairs, with Meg pleading to Lois to stop being so dramatic.
The men of the house eyed the women until they were out of frame, and that's when Brian sighed, "Well, that was awkward."
"Ugh, you're telling me," Peter said, "This is worse than the time I went to Barnes & Noble and I found out what "SpicyTok" was." There he went again, losing connection with the present to relieve a memory that had nothing to do with what was happening. Maybe if he used that talent to dissociate from the horror to come, he would still be our jolly, fat idiot.
Once Peter was released from the cutaway, he went upstairs to check on his wife, who was placing the tickets in a drawer underneath a stack of her underwear. "Uh Lois? I thought you were gonna throw those away."
"And miss out on Sleep Token?" her raspy voice reached a high-octave as she danced in place, "If anyone's going to that concert, it's going to be me! I was so devastated when all the tickets sold out online, but now this is my second chance! I wouldn't wanna miss that lead singer's ripped muscles..."
Peter's mind connected the dots, "Wait, you just pretended to be mad with Meg so you can steal her tickets? Well well well, looks like my wife is smarter than she looks."
"Huh?"
"That sound fantastic! I'd be happy to go with ya. I don't have a cool outfit to wear though..."
"That's okay. The concert is this Saturday; we have all the time we want to shop for new clothes!"
"And what about Meg?" the fat man asked, "Wouldn't she suspect something is up with us being gone?"
"Pfft, so what?" Lois sneered, "What is she gonna do? Stop us? We're the parents!"
"We are? All this time I thought this was a Life Simulator and the concert was some code to wake up." Judging by the look on his wife's face, Peter knew she was beyond done with his lunacy. But there was someone even more upset at that moment; someone who stomped away from their slightly open door and into her brother's room.
Chris was sitting at his desk, sketching in his notebook, when Meg entered in a huff. Instinctively, the blond boy closed his book and whipped around to see who invaded his privacy.
"Learn to knock, will ya?!"
"Sorry Chris, I just can't believe what mom just- ...Are you drawing?"