Chuck Vs The Hard On

I used to like 'Chuck' the action comedy show and having Yvonne Strahovski to look at always improved whatever show she's in. It's just a shame it was NBC and not HBO. I wrote this to play on the humour of the show and kept reasonably close to the original characters.

I originally wrote this in 2015. Before I began publishing on this site. As I'm blitzing publishing my finished stories, here is one I hope you enjoy.

Chuck vs the Hard-on - Scene 1

Scene opens with Chuck, in a tux, rushing into a hotel room, throwing his back against the door to close it.

"Did you get it? Did you get the key?" Sarah asks, turning towards him in a slinky dress and high heels.

"Yes." He holds up the key. "But we may have a problem. They may have seen me take it."

"What! How did that happen? We told you exactly what to do."

"I know, I know, I panicked. I saw the key and there wasn't anyone about..."

"Chuck, how could you? We went through the plan over and over."

"Much as I'd love to be lectured, yet again, our problems are a little more urgent than that. Mastiff's men followed me."

"How much time have we got?" The banging on the door answers that.

"Carmichael, open up. We know you're in there." A British accent comes through the door.

"Hide the gun and follow my lead." Whispers chuck.

The banging intensifies as Walker slips her gun from her purse and under a pillow.

"Ok, ok guys, I'm busy here." Chuck drawls in a poor accent while opening the door.

"Why'd you fink you could get away with it? Nicking the boss's key right from under our noses?" The smallest of the thugs asks, leading in two more hulking men.

"Hey, I wasn't stealing it. I was just checking how good your security was."

"So, why did you run off?" All eyes are suspiciously looking at Sarah.

"I remembered I had this hottie here." Chuck gestures to Walker.

"And you are?" The ring leader steps up to Sarah and ogles her figure, barely hidden in the dress.

Sarah opens her mouth to reply, but Chuck cuts her off. "She's just a hooker."

Sarah snaps her mouth shut in surprise as the three thugs grin lasciviously at her.

"Christ! With a body like hers, she must cost a bleedin' fortune."

"She's priceless." Chuck replies with feeling, before catching himself and switching back to character. "I mean, you wouldn't believe what she charges!"

Cocking her hip and putting a hand on it. "You get what you pay for boys." Sarah replies in a husky voice.

"I'm sure me and the boys here could chip in." The leader grins back.

"Sorry, I don't do group bookings." She smiles condescendingly.

"Well, that leaves just one problem. See, her bein' here is just a little too convenient. I think we're going to have to search her before we kick her to the curb. Bob, check her purse." One goon grabs her purse and rummages through it.

"Is that necessary?" Sarah asks. "I certainly can't hide anything in this dress." All eyes run over Sarah's body, covered by the black silk sheath of the dress. Bob tosses the searched bag on the pillow, shaking his head. The short Brit steps up to her, barely coming up to her nose in her high heels.

"I always believe in bein' thorough." He grabs her wrist.

"Wait! I have the key." Chuck cries, holding it up.

"Shame I was looking forward to that. Ok girlie, grab your bag and fuck off."

Sarah glances at Chuck, who nods imperceptibly. As she leans over the bed, stretching to grab her bag, Chuck steps up behind her.

"It's more than a shame. I paid her upfront and didn't even get a blow job." He flips up the back of her dress, exposing her perfect ass, naked but for a miniscule thong.

All the men's eyes are glued to the magnificent sight when Chuck whips his hand out and slaps it, hard. Sarah's squeal of pain is lost in the laughing of the men, and Chuck pulls the dress back again. Stepping away from the glaring Sarah, he hands the key over.

"I'm almost tempted to let you get one. You know, like a last request. Mastiff isn't going to like you takin' that key. It's a very special one, but he's not a patient man. You, piss off!" He directs Sarah.

She rushes from the room and heads down to Casey in the van, worrying about Chuck.

"So, Walker, what did numb nuts do this time?" Casey asks as Walker slips into the van. Despite their time together, he can't help but check her out in the slinky dress.

"He went off the plan and palmed the key and was spotted doing it." She replies, putting on headphones.

"So, a typical Bartowski move."

"Yes, 100% Chuck."

"Well, at least he's still wearing his watch. We can track him." Casey replies, flipping switches. "Did you have time to look at the key before they took it?"

"No, I didn't even get a chance to photograph it." Sarah adds. Frustrated.

"Even an impression in soap would've helped."

"That's it!" She replies, realising Chuck's plan.

"Chuck slapped my ass before they took him away."

"Hey, I don't care what you and your boy toy get up to, as long as it's not company time."

"No, you don't understand. Here, look at my ass." She stands and lifts her dress and presents it to Casey.

Even Casey is impressed by her butt.

"Can you see it?" She queries, looking over her shoulder.

"What? Oh I see. That's clever Bartowski. I can see an outline of the key. Just a second. I need to get a picture."

"What?" Cries Sarah, alarmed, seeing Casey pull out his phone.

"Relax Walker, I need a picture to upload to the computer." He lines up the phone and snaps a close up on the mark. Then leans back, taking another of her whole ass in all its glory. "That's one for the Christmas Party!" He thinks.

"Are you done?" Sarah asks peeved.

"Yeah, you can put it away." As she pulls her dress back, he grins as he plugs his phone into the computer. "Remind me again why we need this key?"

Sitting again, she checks Chuck's location. "The key opens the door to Mastiff's compound, and hopefully we'll find that by tracking Chuck. Our intel says the door is booby trapped and any attempt to use anything other than the correct key results in an instant death."

"Well, the good news is we have a match for the key. I can knock that up in less than five minutes." Casey replies, popping his head phones.

"And I have a likely location. Let's go rescue Chuck!"

"Again!" Casey added.

Scene 2 - Colonel Casey is unconscious and tied to a strange metal device

"Casey! Wake up." Sarah urges.

"What, what happened?" comes the sluggish reply from Casey.

"It was gas! I've been awake for a couple of minutes. Why are you so groggy? I thought you're trained to resist gas."

"I am, but I was the one stuck in the van with an empty stomach while you were ordering room service. You didn't think to send something out to me?"

"It would have broken our cover. Can you remember what happened?"

"Yeah. We got through the door into a long, brightly lit corridor. We'd only gone a few paces when steel doors dropped in front and behind us. The lights went out, and I heard gas. Where are we?"

"Looks like a detention cell. We're strapped on something weird and I can't get out. How about you?" Casey struggles with his bonds. Worryingly, they are strapped to a near vertical metal table that reminds them of a morgue table. Arms secured by their wrists above their head and ankles similarly spread and secure.

The door opens and in comes the short British thug and a tall thin man with foppish hair and a hook nose. The taller man points to Casey. "Don't bother Colonel, those devices you're strapped to are far stronger than even you and the restraints have a high tensile cable running through them. With the press of a button, I can get them to exert twenty thousand kilos of force. What's that in American? Oh, let's just say I could pop off the offending limb like this."

Something in the device buzzes and Casey grunts in pain as his right wrist is slowly crushed. "But where are my manners?" The buzzing stops and Casey lets out a long gasp of air.

"My name is Mastiff."

"You're not Mastiff!" Casey replies before he could catch himself.

"I presume that's because of the few photographs I've allowed to be taken. No, the short and hairy man you have on record is just a bodyguard. He assumes the role when we meet new clients. He's a good thug, excellent killer and a not ungifted actor, but not a genius."

"And you're a genius?" Casey asks derogatory.

"Well, you're the one restrained within my compound. That at least proves I'm not the incompetent one. But perhaps I can persuade you of more. You are Colonel John Casey and your partner is Sarah Walker. I could tell you the name Sarah was actually born under and how many men you have killed Colonel, both reported and those you missed off the reports."

"Neat party trick, can you guess the number I'm thinking of?" Casey taunts.

"Now Colonel, don't spoil my generous mood. It's such a pleasure to have two such valuable and surprise visitors."

"You won't get anything from us!" Shoots back Sarah, alarmed that anyone could find her true name.

"Incorrect, my dear. You might be trained against conventional torture and drugs, but there are always ways in. And once I've drained all your secrets, I can sell you off to any number of foreign governments or less reputable organisations. In your case, Sarah, I could sell you even if you knew nothing, and I didn't already have a queue of bidders looking for revenge."

"You'll never break us!" Casey declares.

"Really! As I said, your conventional tools won't work, but if you know your target, you can find a weakness. In your case, spiders, snakes or rats won't work, but I know of a creature that will." Casey looks worried and Sarah looks concerned. Mastiff whispers something to Casey, who starts sweating as the colour drains from his face.

"Percival, see how the shopping trip is going."

Casey shoots back with bravado. "I was thinking of calling you something that starts with 'P', but it wasn't Percival!"

The brit glowers at Casey, but takes out his phone at steps back to make some calls. Sarah racks her brain, trying to think of what dread creature could affect Casey this way.

"They have about 90. Is that enough?" Percival asks.

"Yes, I'm sure the Colonel will love them. Tell them to get back here as quickly as they can. Then go and take the Colonel to his new room." The thug puts his phone away and walks behind Casey and wheels the device out of the room.

"What have you done with the Chinese Ambassador?" Demands Sarah.

"He was where you are only a short time ago. But those wonderful devices you're strapped to are expensive and, whilst funds aren't an issue, I hate undue expense. Anyway, he was due for his first session with Mai Ling. The cocktail of drugs and her... special skills should loosen his tongue."

The door opens and a gorgeous oriental woman walks in, pushing Chuck, bound in a wheelchair. A pony tail rises from the top of her head and its glossy jet black hair falls to her waist. Her features are perfect, but deathly cold. Chuck, however, looks scared in only his boxers and socks.

"Ah! Mai Ling, how did it go?"

"He's sleeping it off. I have to say he was rather energetic for an older man."

Whilst they talk, Chuck's eyes are twitching as the 'Intersect' shows him all the information about Mai Ling. In moments, he's looking horrified at the woman as she walks past the wheelchair to stand beside Mastiff.

He turns to her. "I was worried the Viagra and those other drugs might be too much for the man, but you know your business best." Mastiff looks at Chuck for the first time. "So Carmichael, it seems your prostitute is more than she seems, after all. I think Percival was right, we should search her properly. Mai Ling!" He orders and the woman steps forward, a wicked knife appearing from nowhere.

With an evil sneer, she steps up to Sarah and slides the flat of the blade gently up the exposed leg. Until the tip vanishes beneath the split up the thigh. In one violent movement, she cuts and tears the dress off, grunting in triumph.

Leaving Sarah naked but for a miniscule, almost invisible thong. On reflex Sarah struggles against her bonds, but this only makes her breasts wobble appealingly. Throwing the now useless rag of a dress aside. Mai Ling turns back and runs the flat of the blade, almost lovingly, down from Sarah's neck until the tip rests on Sarah's suddenly erect nipple.

"Enough Mai Ling, I've given in to your vices enough for one day!" cries Mastiff. The oriental woman removes the knife and it vanishes as quickly as it appeared.

Chuck can't take his eyes off the woman he's lusted after for so long and has loved in secret. At finally seeing her almost naked, he feels an erection growing despite the situation.

"Well, that is a pretty sight. Not for me personally, but I think I can get even more for you than I originally thought."

"Mastiff! This one has an erection. Do you want me to deal with it?" Mai Ling asks, the knife reappearing. Chuck flinches against his bonds and tries to protect his crotch.

"Ha! No, I think that's a reasonable reaction to such a display of flesh. However, I don't see what other value he has. I only let him continue his charade, as his bungling was amusing. So Charles Bartowski! What are you worth?"

"I know things, I know things too." He replies rapidly.

"Chuck No!" cries Sarah.

"I know Mai Ling was a Chinese covert operative, assassin and torturer. Her boss cut her off on a mission and sent six men after her." Mai Ling brings the knife up under his chin. "She killed all six and sent their thumbs to her boss and their... their penis' to the boss's wife and mistress."

"Wait Mai Ling, he may have some value after all. I've always struggled to get access to Chinese intelligence. Leave him here. He might as well enjoy the view until I decide whether or not to kill him."

From the door, Percival calls. "They're here!" And all three exit, leaving Chuck still staring at the virtually nude Sarah.

The door slams shut with a click of a lock.

"Wow!"

"Chuck! Chuck, stop staring at me."

"Wow!"

"Snap out of it, Chuck. It's not like you haven't seen a naked woman before. I've seen your internet history!"

"That was more Morgan than me. And I resent the implication. But you're just... wow!"

Despite the situation, Sarah found it thrilling to be lusted after like this. No, she corrected herself. Worshipped was more accurate. And being powerless for a woman of her skills at death and destruction, tickled at a hidden desire she never knew before.

Shaking off that train of thoughts. "Chuck, Casey might be getting tortured horribly. We need to get out. Mai Ling is a torturer. You said so yourself."

Chuck starts to panic. "God, she's going to cut off my thumbs. I love my thumbs. I can't play my video games without my thumbs."

"Chuck, stop panicking!"

"No! She's going to cut off my penis. I'll die if she cuts off my penis. I mean, I don't use it as much as my thumbs, but still. She's going to kill me first, isn't she? I'd hate to still be alive when she cuts off my thumbs or my... my..."

"STOP! Focus on me." She cries. After a moment, she adds. "My eyes Chuck, look into my eyes. We need to get out of here and you need to figure out how."

Chuck finally seems to be calming down. "If you can do this, I'll make sure you get a reward."

"Sure, an atta boy from the general." Chuck replied dismissively.

"No Chuck. I mean a more personal and private reward." She adds with a sexy smile.

"Right, oh! Right, erm... oh I've got it." With that, he thrashes around in the chair and tips it over sideways.

"Chuck, are you alright?" She asks, alarmed, as he shakes his head after cracking it on the floor.

"Aw! I didn't think that through."

"So, why did you do that?"

"Mastiff said he didn't waste money, and I noticed when they took the ambassador away that when the chair was collapsed, the arms came off." To prove his point, he tugs his arms from the restraints.

In a moment, he's free.

"Can you get me out? I don't want to lose a limb." She asks.

"Easy, I saw which button he pressed." A buzzing from the device confirms his choice, and Sarah is free.

"Shit, this dress is ruined. Can we pick the lock?" She asks, bending over the scraps of the dress.

"I don't have any lock picking gear... and I can see you don't!" Chuck's eyes travel from the door to the perfect globes of Sarah's ass, her thong almost invisible. Tearing his eyes away, he looks at the ceiling.

"The air vents!" He cries. "We climb up and enter the vents."

"Ok, let me go first." She scrambles up past Chuck in only the thong. Chuck's eyes are glued to her butt as it vanishes inside the ceiling.

Climbing into the vent, it took a moment for his eyes to adjust, to see Sarah's ass pointing towards him as she crawled away down the vent. From this angle, her crotch is exposed as she moves. A groan escapes Chuck's mouth and Sarah grins and exaggerates her movements.

"So why are you only in your boxers?" Sarah asks, looking down between her breasts and legs.

Embarrassed at being able to stare at her from mere inches, he blushes. "Somebody sewed tracking bugs in the rest of my clothes. I'm lucky Casey didn't bug the boxes as well."

"Actually, the bug is in the belt and the shoes were me."

"Turn left ahead. They took my stuff in a room on the left." He whispers.

"If you know the way, you need to go first. Squeeze past me." Sarah orders, dropping to her back.

In the confined space, he tries to push past her but finds his face inches from Sarah's crotch, then flat stomach, then her magnificent breasts.

"It's hot in here." Chuck whispers as a drop of sweat falls onto her nipple. Sarah shivers at the feeling and suppresses a grin as Chuck pushes on and she sees his erection, tenting the front of his boxers, as he slides past her. She's tempted to reach up and gently bite the tip, but he's past her and around the corner.

In minutes, they find the room Chuck was searched in and he drops down into the room.

"Help me down." Sarah whispers, she didn't really need help, but she wanted to feel Chuck's hands on her body.

Scene 3 - Sarah, now wearing a lab coat and Chuck with his tux restored, creeps down a corridor.

"Any idea where we're going?" Chuck asked.

"Not really, wait what's that?" They peer through a peephole to see a naked oriental man lying snoring on a bed wearing suspenders and a bra.

"Ambassador?" Chuck asks and Sarah nods.

"But there's Casey." Chuck says. Opposite the ambassador's room, in a smaller room, with Casey curled up in the corner with his arms over his head.

"Are they... they're rabbits! Casey is scared of rabbits?" Both Sarah and Chuck are struggling to resist laughing. "Let me get my phone." He adds.

"Chuck, you can't film this!"

"No!" He objects while clicking a couple of pictures. "I'm calling for help."

"Stop, don't know who we can trust."

"Yes we do. Mastiff told us." He dials a long number from his intersect memory. "Can you speak mandarin?"

Scene 4 - Debrief in Castle

"So, Chuck, what made you think there was a Chinese assault squad nearby?" Casey asked, trying not to brush the imagined bunny hair off him as they sat debriefing.

"It just made sense. The ambassadors kidnap, Mai Ling involved, I'd have done that." Chuck replied.

"What I don't understand is why the ambassador did not kick up more of a fuss. After all, we were supposed to protect him. Any ideas General?" Sarah asks.

"That might be down to me." Chuck interjects before the general and passes over his phone, showing the naked oriental gentleman in stockings and a bra.

After the general dismisses them and they are ready to leave Castle, Chuck turns to the Colonel. "So Casey, what's this with you and bunnies?" Chuck realises his mistake instantly as Casey growls and head towards Chuck with murder on his face. Sarah slips between them.