Celebrity Space Camp I: The Ties That Bynes
For the life of me, I cannot remember the last time I went about my day without a nutritious breakfast in my stomach. It seemed sacrilegious—downright criminal perhaps—but on June 19th, 2006, I had very good reason to skip out on the most important meal of the day. By orders of Senior Aeronautical Commandeer Henry S. Blankslate, all junior cadets attending the inaugural meeting of Birmingham's famed Summer Space Camp were to refrain from eating 24 hours prior to the session. So it was with nervous step and a slight gurgle in my gullet that I set foot outside my hotel room en route to my very first simulated skylarking journey.
Now don't get me wrong—I am no junior. At 22, I've been meaning to attend space camp for several years but have had to defer participation at the urging of my mother, who was convinced that space travel was an elaborate hoax and that Neil Armstrong was nothing more than a glorified stuntman. To keep her nerves at ease, I concocted a fib that placed me in an internship with FEMA to assist with the Katrina cleanup effort, cynically figuring that she'd favor my membership in an underfunded government program to one that was overfunded.
"Attention junior cadets: please form two lines, by gender, so that we can record your physical specifications with expediency," a loud voice commanded over an intercom. Boys started filing in toward the right, so I clumsily shuffled over to the male line, feeling a bit faint from hunger and heat. After about ten minutes, I finally reached the front of the line.
"Space Camper Handle?" the young woman requested, her baby blue eyes cast down at a mountain of paperwork. She appeared to be in her early twenties as well, so I began to feel a bit embarrassed being there.
"You want my real name?" I responded, hoping that that's what she meant by "handle."
"All Junior Cadets are identified by a fantasy moniker," the woman said, tapping her pen on her clipboard in annoyance. "Would you like me to assign you one at random from our galactic name bank?"
"Is Eclipso taken?" I inquired, trying to peak at the names on her list.
"You shall be known as StarSire," she stated, marking a checkbox on the name bank, her eyes still trained on her papers. "Can I have your measurements?"
"Five-eight... one hundred fifty pounds... size eleven shoe."
The woman gave me an incredulous glance.
"Size nine shoe," I corrected myself, compounding to my humiliation as the woman pulled out another sheet of names.
"Would you like to be paired with a male or female cadet?" she asked, scribbling StarSire on a blank name sticker.
"Female," I answered, my heart rate quickening at the thought. There was an awkward silence for a moment as the woman seemed hurried and burdened by her administrative tasks. I noticed her shuffling back to my incomplete physical specifications sheet.
"Measurements?" the woman questioned again, seemingly getting her voluminous paperwork under control.
"5-8, 150, size 9 shoe..."
"No, her measurements," she shot back with impatience, underlining the empty slot on her sheet where the female cadet's requested specifications were to go.
"Oh..." I began, collecting my thoughts with the discretion of not coming off like a chauvinistic pig. "Ah... five-six... one hundred...fifth-teen pounds... Um... you're gonna have to help me with the ladies shoe size."
"That's adequate," the woman assured me, inputting my information and matching it with her female cadet profile sheet. "You will be teamed with Lorca."
"Thanks," I answered as the woman slapped a name sticker on my chest, her head tilting to the side to get me out of her viewpoint.
"Next!"
...
I was then led into a waiting room, which consisted of a yellow folding chair, some austere furnishings and a framed picture of Buzz Aldrin just to the left of the door. As I sat in there, twiddling my sweaty thumbs, I noticed a catalogue sitting on the floor. I picked it up and looked at the inside cover: "Celebrities Attending" it said, and I began to wonder if Lorca was a celebrity. Turning the pages, I was disappointed to see that all of the names were male. I was about to close the catalogue when I saw one lone female name... just as the door opened.
"Greetings StarSire. My name is Lorca," the girl said, and to my utter astonishment it was none other than Amanda Bynes, holding a tinted helmet to the side of her white padded space suit. She had straight brown hair with faded blond highlights, eyes open wide and lips glossed thickly. "We're going to be partners today."
"Amanda freakin' Bynes!" I exclaimed, getting out of my chair to shake her hand. "Please... call me Lorca," she responded firmly, keeping a considerable distance as she shook my hand. "Let's stick to protocol while we're junior cadets."
"My apologies," I said, correcting my posture so that I was standing straight up. "What is first on our agenda?"
"Unfortunately, Commandeer Blankslate informed me that the Centripetal Accelerator is out of commission, so we're skipping ahead to the Virtual Shuttle Simulator," Amanda answered, handing me a key. "You'll need to put on proper attire. This key will open locker # 308 in the men's dressing quarters. Report to the loading dock in 20 minutes. I hope you fasted for this occasion as per Commandeer Blankslate's orders.
"You bet your sweet..." I started, catching myself mid sentence, "...Raison Bran."
"Super! See you then!" Amanda exclaimed, retreating out the door.
Once I suited up, I met Amanda at the loading dock, where she was talking with Blankslate. Both were wearing wireless speaking devices.
"Here, StarSire, put this on," Blankslate said, tossing me a speaking device. "Use this to communicate with the control tower."
I examined the device in confusion, delaying my admission of technological ineptitude in hopes that I'd stumble upon the proper way to use it. After a few seconds, Amanda's arms snaked over my shoulders, her fingers untangling knots in the wiring as my hands relaxed to my side. Her warmth somehow managed to emanate from her thickly layered spacesuit, cutting down the capacity of my deep breaths as she fitted the device to my head.
