Usually I prefer exhibitionist/voyeur or nonconsensual, but when I feel under the weather, or under too much stress, I look for this kind of story.
Oh I guess everyone heard about it. Word of the Hollywood Actress Sex Lottery probably reached even to McMurdo Station in Antarctica. But not everyone understand how it worked, and why. As a lucky participant it's my privilege to fill you in.
First of all, as you probably realize, a number of Hollywood's most beautiful actresses, reality stars, weather girls and even a few newsreaders created a non-profit organization. Its purpose: to administer a program of weekly sexual encounters to benefit certain lucky applicants. Yes, any guy - and several of the stars were also willing to accept female applicants - who signed up was eligible to have sex with one of Hollywood's loveliest and most talented. A weekly lottery would determine the happy winners.
What's less well understood is why the women embarked on this surprising program. The fact is that a number of them had become greatly concerned about the increasing intrusion of paparazzi into their private lives, and that of their relatives, especially their children. They had to admit though that they had become quite wealthy and famous from the public and so they did feel that they wanted to give back. Thus every person who applied for the lottery was required to sign an agreement that they would never visit any tabloid-based website, watch any tabloid-type television program or buy any tabloid gossip sheet, and if they were ever caught doing same, they would pay a fine of $50,000.
They realized that some people would try to evade the restriction and that it was difficult to enforce, but they reasoned that they did not need 100% compliance. If they could just significantly dent the profits that these bad operators earned, most if not all would either go out of business or make drastic changes to their practices.
I saw nothing wrong with all this and was soon visiting the organization's website to see which actresses would be available. I was really impressed with the number who had chosen to sign up. It seemed like everyone was there, from Madonna to Megan Fox. There had been some complaints that there were not enough young starlets in the list, but as, at the time, I was a 54-year old man I was perhaps more tolerant. Indeed, some of my all-time crushes were on this list, even though they were now in their 40s or even 50s.
If you wanted to apply you had to provide a ranked list of your top five. I'm not exactly sure how this would work out in practice, but I suppose if your name was drawn for a given week, they would try to assign you to the earliest one on the list who was not already assigned.
Man, this was tough! There were so many beauties that I have lusted over lo these many years! I mean, practically anyone you've ever lusted over was on that list. The only ones missing were either over 70 or conservative types like Elizabeth Hasselblech or Candace Cameron Burro, but they had never fallen under my gaze anyway. I quickly made an initial list of twenty or so, then started whittling it down, kicking out some great women for just the tiniest of reasons. Hated that, but had to do it! Eventually I got it to about eight, maybe nine, then gave up. I would sleep on it and finish the next day.
When I woke up I had a whole new thought. This experience, if I were lucky enough to have it - but of course I had to plan that I would, as otherwise there was no point - wasn't just seeing a famous beauty naked and having sex with her, but also something more. Would they be friendly, pleasant and caring about everything or would they just look at it as something perfunctory, to get through as quickly as possible? All things being equal I definitely did not want the latter.
So I scrapped my initial list and started doing research. I went to the IMDB message boards to see what people who had met these ladies in real life said about them. I did web searches to find out about their behaviors over the years. In the end I came up with a somewhat different list; some had moved up while others moved out. At least I had my five, beautiful women who also seemed to be warm and friendly human beings.
I pressed SUBMIT.
And waited, and waited, and waited.
Five months went by. The program had started and according to the organization was going well, but as all participants agreed in advance not to share much in the way of details, none of us knew very much. There were a few anonymous reports, but nobody knew if they were true or not. I guess some may question this report too, but there's nothing I can do about that. The wise among you will be able to see that from the details that all of this must have happened as I say; the rest of you can at least, I hope, enjoy the story.
Then it happened. One morning I woke up and got the email that I had been one of the fortunate few selected. They gave me three dates on which I had to be in LA and would any of them work out? Otherwise they would reschedule me for the future. Plus I had to get a clean bill of health from my doctor - not just about STDs, but also not have any heart or other condition that would preclude sex and no contagious diseases either - and both send the organization a copy and be prepared to produce a copy on the day of the visit.
At this point although I was burning to know they still hadn't told me who it would be! I suppose it depended on the date and availability. So I got everything done and sent it in ASAP.
It was a balmy, summer day when I arrived at one of the organization-approved hotels in downtown LA or Malibu where the encounter would occur. That evening at 7:00 I would receive a visit from one of the world's goddesses and we would do it, yes, not just take tea, but have out and out sex. I couldn't wait to find out just who would be coming through that door!
About 6:00 the phone rang. When I answered I heard a voice say "Please hold for Ms. Chriqui."
* * *
Oh my God! Oh my God! I suddenly realized that I hadn't really believed it before. Sure I knew it intellectually, but still, I somehow hadn't believed it. But this was real! And it was starting!
All I could get out was a quavering "Yes".
At the same time I was wondering what was going on. This was not part of the plan. Had something gone wrong?
I heard her familiar voice say, off-mic, "Be with you in a minute", apparently to someone else wherever she was. Then she came on with her wonderful voice.
"Hey Paul, this is Em. How are you?"
"Great -" was all I could get out before she went on.
"Say Paul, from the background check you seem to be a nice guy. I would like to have you cum over here at the house. Would you mind?"
"Love to -"
"Great! I'm sending over my car and driver. In half an hour go down to the lobby and find him holding a sign with your name on it. 'K?"
"Sure!"
"So cool, see ya soon babe! It'll be fun."
"Okay"
Disconnect.
I needed a drink. The hotel had a bar attached to the lobby so I headed down and had a Maker's Mark old-fashioned, with no fizz.