This is my first attempt at a parody story, using existing characters. I hope I've got the Buffy character voices right.
The story is set 2 weeks after the end of series 7.
As always, all characters are 18 or older.
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"We're all doomed" Giles declared as he slammed shut the book he was reading.
"Firstly," asked Xander "Where did you get the book from? Sunnydale, and therefore, your library, was just sucked into a giant hole in the ground. Secondly, didn't we JUST save the world? Don't we get like...a month of guaranteed non-apocalypse time?"
"I second that!" Added Buffy from a comfortable armchair she was resting in.
They were in the bar of an abandoned motel, not far from the huge hole that was once Sunnydale. It had been about two weeks since the final battle against 'the first'. Buffy and her core team were laying low. Destroying an entire town brings unwanted attention from the US government. The former 'potentials' were now out in the world, finding others like them.
"I don't know, B." said Faith. "Sitting around on my ass all day makes me kinda wanna have a bit of a rough and tumble. I could fight a demon about now."
"Speak for yourself," said Robin Wood. Though not a true 'scooby', he'd needed medical and mystical healing after the fight, so was sticking with Buffy and the gang. Plus him and Faith had been humping like rabbits ever since he was healed enough.
"If you MUST know" Giles continued after shooting an angry look at Xander's one remaining eye, "I had my most important books placed in the school bus before we escaped. For exactly an occasion like this."
"It's true!" said Dawn, always keen to get involved in scooby-chats. "I helped carry them".
"AS I was saying..." Giles again annoyed by the interjection "...the demon of Primoapris will rise tonight, bringing about the end of the world."
"OK." said Buffy, sounding bored. "Tell me where the demon is and I'll kill it. Or I'll let Faith kill it. Or any of the other slayers in my ARMY of slayers to kill it."
"Oooh! A scooby meet! What's going on?" Asked Willow, entering the bar, hand in hand with Kennedy. Another couple who were copying rabbits since saving the world. Dawn had even moved Motel rooms after being unable to sleep for three nights in a row.
"It's the end of the world," said Xander.
"There's some evil demon thing coming," said Dawn.
"We're gonna kill it" finished Faith.
The whole gang were there now, save for Andrew, who had somehow managed to stay with the group despite everyone's best efforts. Luckily, he was in his room doing some sort of dungeons and dragons thing online. Willow was very happy to sort out a safe and untraceable online connection for him as soon as the gang learned he would be busy roughly fourteen hours a day.
Giles sighed. "You can't kill it if it arrives. If it arrives, it's too late. It can only be prevented from arriving. There's a ritual. And one that we can't do."
"Oh, I'm sure we could," said Willow in her most helpful, cheery voice. "We just changed the fundamental rules of the slayer. I'm sure one little ritual would be fine."
"Really?" said Giles, reopening the book and passing it to her.
Willow read the passage carefully, her face going white as she did so.
"NOPE! NOPE! Not doing that. Can we contact the coven in England? Maybe they can?"
Everyone's attention was now on Willow, and the shock there was a ritual even she couldn't do.
Giles shook his head. "The ritual needs to be performed near the arrival place. Not near-near exactly, but at least the same continent. The same state, just to be sure."
"OK, OK" said Buffy, taking charge and standing up. "I refuse to believe we can't perform one simple ritual after just stopping the very first evil. You've got this Willow."
"It's not that we CAN'T...." said Willow, hintingly.
"It's what?" said Faith, unclear of what Willow was trying to hint at.
"It's that we REALLY don't want to. I think we can let them have the end of the world this time."
"What's worth an apocalypse?" asked Xander. "Do we have to kill all the puppies in the world or something?"
"XANDER!" said Willow, instinctively putting on a sad voice at the thought of killing puppies. "No! It's um...it's...."
"It's a sex ritual, isn't it." said Robin, getting straight to the point.
Willow and Giles both nodded slowly in unison.
Everyone's faces made the same expression of shock, turning to panic, to disgust.
"Eww '' said Dawn, crossing her legs at the thought.
"Primal magic, such as sacrifices, blood lettings and....sex rutuals...are naturally very powerful" Giles tried to helpfully explain, trying to justify the strangeness of the ritual.
"Can it be, like, a solo sex ritual? Like one person privately?" Asked Buffy in hope.
"Because Xander's been performing that ritual for the past two weeks" said Faith with a little snark.
"Hey!" replied Xander, though he didn't say she was lying.
"Sadly not" said Giles. "It's a pretty standard ritual really. We invoke the four corners of the compass and the four seasons to lock the demon away for another hundred years."
"So that means..." asked Xander, always clueless about magic.
"Four men and four women. Or at least, four...givers.. and four...receivers."
They all looked round the room, instantly doing the calculations.
There were three men in the room. Giles, Xander and Robin.
There were five women. Buffy, Faith, Dawn, Willow and Kennedy.
There was silence for a very long time.
"I could fuck." said Faith, after a long time. "If it means saving the world. Hey, I've already banged Robin and Xander. What's two more dicks? We'll call it a party."
"Saving the world is kinda the Slayer M.O." added Kennedy.
"OK, OK, let's say we do this," said Buffy. "Which I'm NOT saying we will. What would be involved, Willow?"
"Um...er....we'd have to get the room ready, umm.... anoint the participants,..um.... chant the spells and..."
"Get to the point Will." Buffy instructed.
"Everyone in the same room, the same bed together. Every giver would need to penetrate every receiver (in a preset order), then finish with... anointing their faces."
"So a 4 guy, 4 girl orgy, rotating partners and finishing with the guys cumming on the girl's faces. Got it." Said Faith in a crass but matter-of-fact way.
"So we go and find some prostitutes to do this for us." said Xander. "Simple."
"From WHERE are we going to find the prostitutes, Xander?" asked Giles coldly. "We are in the middle of nowhere. We're hiding here BECAUSE we didn't want anyone else around."
"I thought there were always prostitutes around motels? It's like a law of the universe or something."
"Sadly not. No. If we want to save the world, it's going to have to be the people here now."
Everyone looked round at everyone else. They knew this was going to change everything, even more than creating the army of slayers had. They would never be able to go back from this.
"Can we, like, do a memory spell after? So we forget it happened?" Asked Kennedy.
"Only if we want to instantly summon the demon" replied Giles. "The memory of...the act...is part of the ritual that keeps the demon locked away.
"OK. Let's do the maths," said Robin, taking on the role of school principal again. "We have five ladies. We need four. Who gets to skip this?"
"DAWN DOES" said Buffy, without hesitation. "I'm not having an orgy with my little sister."
"HEY! Don't I get a vote? Plus, for once I'd actually get to help save the world, instead of the normal 'oh, let's keep Dawn safe' routine you pull every apocalypse."
"I vote I get out of it" said Kennedy "since...LESBIAN"
"HEY" replied Willow, releasing Kennedy's hand. "LESBIAN too."
"Yeah, but you've had dicks before. I've not. I've got the perfect L card. I can't go losing that, even for magic."
"OK, OK" said Buffy. "We'll play rock paper scissors for who skips with the ladies. What about the other half? Don't we need another guy?"
They looked around the room, then came to a terrible moment.
"Andrew?"
"Andrew!?!"
"Andrew????"
He was the only other guy in the abandoned Motel.
"No way. No way." Said Faith. "I'm all down for a giggle, even with you Giles, but...Andrew??"
"Let's be honest," said Kennedy. "Even if we agreed to Andrew, do you think he could really...do the deed?"
"We could tell him to look at Robin while he does it?" suggested Dawn.
"VETO" said Robin.