Introduction
Meeting a world famous celebrity is something that most of us will never experience. Having what can only be described as intimate relations with one is just a dream that most of us have had at some point. Whether it's Madonna or Maradona, we have all fantasised about giving a celebrity a good seeing to. However, for most of us it remains just that - a fantasy. Unless, like me - and my name's Steve, by the way - you are one of the fortunate few lucky enough to live out your fantasy…
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Joining the army wasn't always my main ambition as a child. Like most young boys, when I was a kid I always wanted to be a professional footballer, pop star or Hollywood actor. The only problems I encountered were the fact that I'm no good at football, can't sing to save my life and have about as much chance of becoming an actor as I have of getting pregnant - zilch!
So eventually I decided on a career in the armed forces. Let's face it, travelling around the world, legally being able to carry a weapon (and fire it) and being paid for the privilege can't be bad, can it?
Anyway, to cut a long story short (ooh, Jesus, flashback to the 80s and Spandau Ballet!) I joined up and chose to join the Royal Military Police regiment. My brother used to be in the RMP and had told me many great stories about his time with them, although before I joined I figured that they were just a figment of his imagination - how wrong I was!
It all started on a fairly normal day. There I was, stood on the parade ground with my sergeant shouting obscenities into my ear hole and calling me a nancy boy! A great bloke, my sergeant! Anyway, as the day went on I got assigned to guard duty. Fucking great, I thought. I get to spend all day stood at the gate to our barracks in the fucking pouring rain! Just what I joined up for!
And then, just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse, up popped my sergeant again.
"I've got some good news for you, Lance Corporal," he said, handing me a piece of paper. "You're being reassigned."
Great! Just when I was beginning to enjoy standing there in the freezing cold, getting completely soaked!
"Oh right," I said, taking the piece of paper.
"You're a lucky man," he said, with a somewhat envious look. "You're being transferred to the protection division."
He then set about explaining what was happening. I was basically going to be playing babysitter to some up themselves celebrity. They'd apparently been receiving death threats and their agent was taking them seriously. Rather than hiring some minders of their own, they'd decided, under the circumstances, it would better to get some official help - and who better than the RMP?
I immediately had visions of some over the hill actor or sports star, who'd planned the whole thing himself just to get a bit of publicity to kick-start his flagging career. As yet, no one had told me whom it was I'd be protecting.
I got my gear together and was then briefed on professional etiquette whilst protecting a so-called 'star'! I was still in the dark as to who it was. Soon enough I was being whisked away in a helicopter to a destination as yet unknown to me.
We were soon setting down on what looked like a hotel; where I was told this particular celebrity was staying. It was only then I was told whom I was protecting. I couldn't believe it! No washed up actor or sports star. It was none other than Britney Spears! Now I know what you're thinking (yeah right, what a load of bull!) but I swear that every word is true - just as true as me being responsible for the invention of the light bulb! She was in England to promote her new single or something; to be honest I'd stopped listening. All I could think of was the fact that I was going to get to meet Britney Spears!
After being introduced to her, I was told what was expected of me - to put it in its most basic wording, I was expected to die in the pursuit of protecting this goddess of the pop world. No problem, I thought. We all have to die sometime. It's amazing the effect a young, pretty, sexy, and not to mention successful female has on the male psyche! Again I missed most of what was said; I was too busy staring at Britney's…well, bits! Unfortunately, she caught me staring a little too intently at them! But to my surprise, all she did was blush and give me a little sexy smile. Maybe she was attracted to uniforms? I fucking well hoped so!
Later that night I was surprised even further by the fact that I was going to have to stay in her hotel room with her. Now that's what I call close personal protection! I was a little gob smacked as you might expect. One minute there I was, stood at the entrance to an army barracks in the pouring rain with nothing to look forward to except a long hard day stood there like a lemon! And the next, I'm in Britney Spears hotel room - with no danger of being arrested for the privilege! The day was certainly turning for the better.
The only problem I now had was what exactly do you say to a world famous pop star? She would have no doubt heard all the corny chat up lines in the book, as well as a couple that aren't even in the book probably! It was like a dream. I was sat just feet away from Britney Spears. She looked even better in the flesh than she did on the TV. Again my eyes immediately focused on her breasts. And a bloody nice pair they were too! Implants or not, I couldn't have cared less, the fact is they were just as good as I'd imagined all those times late at night when I used to…well, that's another story entirely!
Suddenly the silence was broken.
"You've got a habit of doing that," she said, scaring me half to death.
"What?" I asked as innocently as I could, although the answer was obvious.
"Oh, you know!"
She again looked at me with a little sexy smile. I could feel myself beginning to blush and looked away. "Err…Sorry about that."
