Introduction
Meeting a world famous celebrity is something that most of us will never experience. Having what can only be described as intimate relations with one is just a dream that most of us have had at some point. Whether it's Madonna or Maradona, we have all fantasised about giving a celebrity a good seeing to. However, for most of us it remains just that - a fantasy. Unless, like me - and my name's Steve, by the way - you are one of the fortunate few lucky enough to live out your fantasy…
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Joining the army wasn't always my main ambition as a child. Like most young boys, when I was a kid I always wanted to be a professional footballer, pop star or Hollywood actor. The only problems I encountered were the fact that I'm no good at football, can't sing to save my life and have about as much chance of becoming an actor as I have of getting pregnant - zilch!
So eventually I decided on a career in the armed forces. Let's face it, travelling around the world, legally being able to carry a weapon (and fire it) and being paid for the privilege can't be bad, can it?
Anyway, to cut a long story short (ooh, Jesus, flashback to the 80s and Spandau Ballet!) I joined up and chose to join the Royal Military Police regiment. My brother used to be in the RMP and had told me many great stories about his time with them, although before I joined I figured that they were just a figment of his imagination - how wrong I was!
It all started on a fairly normal day. There I was, stood on the parade ground with my sergeant shouting obscenities into my ear hole and calling me a nancy boy! A great bloke, my sergeant! Anyway, as the day went on I got assigned to guard duty. Fucking great, I thought. I get to spend all day stood at the gate to our barracks in the fucking pouring rain! Just what I joined up for!
And then, just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse, up popped my sergeant again.
"I've got some good news for you, Lance Corporal," he said, handing me a piece of paper. "You're being reassigned."
Great! Just when I was beginning to enjoy standing there in the freezing cold, getting completely soaked!
"Oh right," I said, taking the piece of paper.
"You're a lucky man," he said, with a somewhat envious look. "You're being transferred to the protection division."
He then set about explaining what was happening. I was basically going to be playing babysitter to some up themselves celebrity. They'd apparently been receiving death threats and their agent was taking them seriously. Rather than hiring some minders of their own, they'd decided, under the circumstances, it would better to get some official help - and who better than the RMP?
I immediately had visions of some over the hill actor or sports star, who'd planned the whole thing himself just to get a bit of publicity to kick-start his flagging career. As yet, no one had told me whom it was I'd be protecting.
I got my gear together and was then briefed on professional etiquette whilst protecting a so-called 'star'! I was still in the dark as to who it was. Soon enough I was being whisked away in a helicopter to a destination as yet unknown to me.
We were soon setting down on what looked like a hotel; where I was told this particular celebrity was staying. It was only then I was told whom I was protecting. I couldn't believe it! No washed up actor or sports star. It was none other than Britney Spears! Now I know what you're thinking (yeah right, what a load of bull!) but I swear that every word is true - just as true as me being responsible for the invention of the light bulb! She was in England to promote her new single or something; to be honest I'd stopped listening. All I could think of was the fact that I was going to get to meet Britney Spears!
After being introduced to her, I was told what was expected of me - to put it in its most basic wording, I was expected to die in the pursuit of protecting this goddess of the pop world. No problem, I thought. We all have to die sometime. It's amazing the effect a young, pretty, sexy, and not to mention successful female has on the male psyche! Again I missed most of what was said; I was too busy staring at Britney's…well, bits! Unfortunately, she caught me staring a little too intently at them! But to my surprise, all she did was blush and give me a little sexy smile. Maybe she was attracted to uniforms? I fucking well hoped so!
Later that night I was surprised even further by the fact that I was going to have to stay in her hotel room with her. Now that's what I call close personal protection! I was a little gob smacked as you might expect. One minute there I was, stood at the entrance to an army barracks in the pouring rain with nothing to look forward to except a long hard day stood there like a lemon! And the next, I'm in Britney Spears hotel room - with no danger of being arrested for the privilege! The day was certainly turning for the better.
The only problem I now had was what exactly do you say to a world famous pop star? She would have no doubt heard all the corny chat up lines in the book, as well as a couple that aren't even in the book probably! It was like a dream. I was sat just feet away from Britney Spears. She looked even better in the flesh than she did on the TV. Again my eyes immediately focused on her breasts. And a bloody nice pair they were too! Implants or not, I couldn't have cared less, the fact is they were just as good as I'd imagined all those times late at night when I used to…well, that's another story entirely!
Suddenly the silence was broken.
"You've got a habit of doing that," she said, scaring me half to death.
"What?" I asked as innocently as I could, although the answer was obvious.
"Oh, you know!"
She again looked at me with a little sexy smile. I could feel myself beginning to blush and looked away. "Err…Sorry about that."
"Don't worry about it. As seen as though you're here to protect me, I guess you're entitled to some perks of the job!" she giggled and winked at me.
Now to me this was beginning to become a little too surreal. Things like that just don't happen to me. But sure enough, there I was sat in a hotel room with Britney Spears - alone! And, it may just have been my imagination, but it seemed like she was chatting me up!
Her easygoing manner made me feel a lot more at ease. I managed to calm down slightly and for the next half an hour or so we chatted away like old friends. Not about anything specific, we just chatted; from the weather (how corny can you get?!) to our private lives. We were getting along like life long buddies! Eventually she decided to take a shower.
"Want some company?" I jokingly asked.
She didn't reply. She just looked at me and gave me that sexy little smile, and seemed to blush slightly. Ooops, maybe I over stepped the mark? She didn't complain, however.
"I'll be back soon. Why don't you order us some supper from room service?" she said, before going into the bathroom and shutting the door.
I'll do just that, I thought. Along with a bottle of wine…or two! Not that I was going to try and get her drunk, you understand! Goodness me, no! That would be entirely against my professional ethics. I was there to protect the poor girl from nutters and psychos…you know, people like me! No, there was absolutely no way that I was going to try and get the most famous pop star in the world today drunk just so I could have my wicked way with her. Although…
I picked up the telephone and called down to reception. Just then I heard a blood-curdling scream from within the bathroom, followed by cries for help. Oh fuck, I thought, some nutter's managed to get in and has attacked her. I leapt to my feet and drew my sidearm before rushing to the bathroom. I tried the door - it was locked. Of course it'd be locked, you fucking dickhead, I thought. One of the sexiest women on the planet was in there! And the last thing she'd want was me walking in on her whilst she was taking a shit!
Suddenly there was another piercing scream, followed by the cry for help, only this time it sounded even more pitiful than the first occasion. I couldn't waste any more time. I took a step back and lunged forcefully at the door. It gave way easily and I came crashing down on top of it as it hit the floor. I quickly got to my feet, raised my weapon (not that, you dirty minded bastard! My sidearm!) and scanned the room…nothing! Just Britney stood against the far wall staring in horror at the bathtub. I walked over to the bath and looked in…would you believe it - a spider! Britney Spears had just taken ten years off my life because of a little spider…well, actually to be fair, it was quite a large one…the spider!
It was only then that I noticed what I couldn't believe I missed in the first place. She was completely naked. Britney, the princess of pop, was stood only feet away from me completely starkers…not a stitch on…nude…in the buff…oh you get the picture! Well, what could I do? What the hell do you think I did? I took in as much of the sight as possible! She really was gorgeous. Not just in the face, but her whole body. She was probably as close to perfect as you could ever find. Her whole body was tanned, from head to toe. Her large breasts looked amazing. They didn't sag an inch. They just hung there, firm and bulging (three cheers for silicone!). And what a pussy! I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, but she really was a natural blonde - take my word for it!
Her tight little patch of pubes were shaved in a V, as if trying to say, "This way to the promised land!" There wasn't an ounce of fat on her. I just wish that I'd had a camera on me - I could have made a fortune selling the pics to newspapers and magazines!
Anyway, after I'd stopped perving at her I did the gentlemanly thing and disposed of the offending creature. I then handed Britney a towel and apologised for so obviously enjoying the view! Thankfully she didn't make an issue out of it and I then left the room, picking the door up and jamming it into the entrance as I left. I then noticed that the other RMP officer who'd been standing guard outside the room had finally responded to the cries for help. A bit fucking late, I thought. If it had been some gun-wielding maniac we could have both been dead by now while this sad excuse for an RMP officer was tugging off in the hallway! Anyway, I kept my gob shut and explained to him what had happened. He then left the room - in fits of hysterics!
