When it comes to handling supernatural threats, especially street-level ones, Blade the Vampire Hunter is doing the heavy lifting for the entire MCU. The other day, Blade ran into the stoic, invulnerable African American vigilante known as Luke Cage in Queens, NY, while duking it out with an amped up Vampire. Luke Cage was actually on a date with his ex-girlfriend, a pale-skinned, dark-haired, super-strong gal known as Jessica Jones, and couldn't be bothered with saving humans being attacked by Vampires. Blade had to use his sword on the undead, and take off, while his fellow superheroes didn't do diddly squat.
"Blade, fam, my bad, I am out with Bae, you can handle this shit," Luke Cage said when Blade let him have it. Luke Cage exchanged a smile with Jessica Jones, and then the two of them got into an Uber and drove away into the night. Presumably they went back to their place to have some awesome superhero sex. Blade scowled as Luke Cage and Jessica Jones took off. The MCU is full of lazy superheroes, whom Blade hates more than supervillains. At least supervillains always give it their all, it's sort of their thing. MCU superheroes can half-ass it now because there's so many of them...
"Bunch of punks," Blade said angrily, after Luke Cage and Jessica Jones took off. Whatever happened to having a sense of duty? Sex is more important than saving innocent lives apparently. A while back, Blade was hunting down Vampires in the suburbs and ran into Spiderman, who acted like some kind of smart-mouth punk. Unlike Luke Cage, Spiderman did help Blade deal with the Vampires, but the little punk had a policy about killing people, which really annoyed Blade.
"Sir, Mister Blade, I don't believe in killing, I web up my enemies and leave them for the NYPD," Spiderman said, after he stopped Blade from staking a skinny white dude named Dale who got turned into a Vampire. Blade seriously considered smacking Spiderman like a bitch. The Daywalker watched helplessly as the NYPD came and took Dale away. Oh, and the cops thanked Spiderman for the capture and totally ignored Blade, acting like the tall, leather-clad African American vigilante wasn't even there. What in the actual fuck?
"Fuck you Spiderman," Blade told the red-and-blue-clad punk before taking off into the night. Blade was so pissed that he ranted about it all the way home, to the everlasting annoyance of Whistler. Yeah, Blade finds the other MCU superheroes to be punks. Since Blade hasn't met Thor of Asgard, and the X-Men's leading bad-ass Wolverine is considered missing in action, he reserves judgement on them. Blade actually met The Hulk in the Bronx when he went for some ribs at a Caribbean dive with Whistler one evening. The Hulk, one of the strongest beings in the Multiverse, was wearing nerdy glasses and trying to hit on the red-haired waitress.
"Dr. Banner, you're not what I expected," Whistler told The Hulk as he approached him. The Hulk, who knew all about Blade and Whistler thanks to S.H.I.E.L.D.S. files on them, was all smiles. The big green guy was actually quite gracious and not gruff like Blade thought he would be. He invited the two vigilantes to dine with him and even paid. Blade was starting to like Bruce Banner A.K.A. The Hulk, because he seemed chill, and could really break shit up. Unfortunately, Whistler got him talking about his former flame, Natasha somebody, and the dude actually shed a tear.
"I miss Natasha Romanoff so much, the Black Widow was my true love," The Hulk said, shedding tears behind his thick nerdy glasses. The towering, muscular, green-skinned brute somehow managed to look pathetic. Whistler, being a gentleman, offered the good doctor some words of encouragement. Blade didn't stick around. Instead of watching a massively powerful superhero whine about his dead ex-girlfriend, Blade would rather teleport himself inside the sun or study advanced quantum physics. Blade ditched the restaurant, and although Whistler gave him shit over being insensitive to The Hulk, the Daywalker didn't care. The Hulk is a pussy...
For Blade, hunting Vampires and eliminating them is simply his whole reason for existing. Let the other superheroes roam all over the planet Earth or the damn galaxy, saving the day. Blade kills Vampires. Blade isn't anyone's Friendly Neighborhood Superhero. Blade doesn't even like the title of superhero. He is a hunter of monsters, period. The only superhero Blade liked is The Punisher, who actually looks like that guy from season one of The Walking Dead. Too bad the Punisher only hunts humans and not Vampires. Blade had a feeling that with very little training, The Punisher would be an ace at hunting Vampires.
"I appreciate the vote of confidence, my man, but the undead aren't my thing, I prefer to kill human evil," said The Punisher, as he and Blade talked on a rooftop in Hell's Kitchen one evening. Blade had come to Hell's Kitchen on the trail of a Vampire named Alastair Crony, who happened to be an ally of Mob boss Antonio Stagliano, a known enemy of The Punisher. The two superheroes joined forces, and the night ended with Blade killing Alastair, while the Punisher put a bullet in Stagliano's head. Good times...
"If you ever change your mind, look me up," Blade said, and he and The Punisher fist bumped before amicably parting ways. That's how real men do it. They kill bad guys without wearing brightly colored spandex. Blade's got a lot on his plate nowadays. After the deaths of Deacon Frost, La Magra, Jared Nomak and Overlord Eli Damaskinos, along with Dracula himself, the Vampire underworld was in chaos, with various factions vying for power. Blade took advantage of that to massacre the Undead, as is his sacred duty. As the only human/Vampire hybrid, it was Blade's task to protect Humanity from the Undead.
A lot of humans know about superheroes, mutants, vigilantes and even aliens like that Thanos fucker and all of his intergalactic henchmen, but they still refuse to believe in Vampires. Thousands of Vampires live innocuously among New York City's ten million inhabitants. Every night, humans are fed upon by Vampires and killed. Of course, the X-Men, the Fantastic Four, the Avengers and even street-level superhero types like Spiderman, Luke Cage, Jessica Jones, The Punisher and that punk-ass Daredevil simply cannot be bothered to deal with them. What a bunch of lazy, brightly attired fuckers!
"Mister Blade, you've become part of a bigger universe, you need to focus on the bigger picture," said Nick Fury, the day Blade got summoned to his office in midtown Manhattan. Blade, who had to go through multiple levels of security, both human and superhuman, before coming to the S.H.I.E.L.D.S. Director's Office, was honestly impressed. The tall, bald-headed African American spymaster was a real bad-ass, or at least, carried himself like one.
"All due respect, Mister Fury, but I'm not interested in joining the Avengers or any superhero team, I just kill Vampires," Blade replied. The Daywalker readjusted his shades and then surprised the hell out of Nick Fury by jumping out of his twentieth-floor office window. Blade, who possesses the superhuman strength, superhuman speed, sharp senses and regenerative abilities of a Vampire, plus the ability to withstand sunlight, is no stranger to inhuman feats. Blade landed harmlessly on the ground, twenty stories below, and walked off with a coolness and swagger that Superman couldn't have matched. Blade is too cool for those MCU fuckers, for real...
