Bikini Bottom Gangbang

Presenting a brand-new episode of "SpongeDick SquarePants," America's favorite TV comedy!

Starring

SpongeDick SquarePants:Jason Alexander

Pearl Skabs:Anna Nicole Smith

Patrick:John Goodman

Sandy Labia:Holly Hunter

Mr. Skabs:William Shatner

Plankton:Patrick Stewart

Squidward:Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan

Gary the Snail:Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton

With a very special guest appearance by Geraldo Rivera, as himself.

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SCENE 1

[Setting: Pearl’s bedroom at the Skabs household. Decorated with Eminem posters, romance novels. Pearl, lying on bed in hot pink nightie, with panties pulled down. Bed covered with lotions and sex toys]

PEARL [holding cunt open with one hand while massaging clit with vibrator]: Yes, just like that, keep going, make it hard for me, c’mon Eminem give me a lick with your nasty white-boy tongue, now!

[Pearl thrashes about in ecstasy, orgasm juices pour out on to the bed. Lies back in bed, fingering nipples through nightie. Munches on a chocolate Pop Tart].

Pearl: That was good, but it just wasn’t great. Fuck it. I’m 18 years old and I’ve masturbated with every combination of dildos, vibrators, ben-wha balls, butt plugs, harpoons, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” DVDs, the collected works of Erica Jong, and all of Dad’s Barry White records. I’m totally comfortable with my breasts, my nipples, my big gray nose, my pussy lips, my clit, my ass and the backs of my knees. Where do I go from here? I want to lose my cherry. DAMN IT, I NEED COCK!

[Bursts out crying. Kicks and screams and has another orgasm. Calms down]

PEARL: Now I feel better. Say, I know what to do. I’ll go to Dad’s office and ask his advice. He’s the smartest man I know!

[Pearl smooths nightie, pulls on pink panties, puts feet into pink fluffy slippers, runs out of house]

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SCENE 2

[Setting: The Krusty Skab restaurant, swankest eating establishment in Bikini Bottom. Mr. Skabs, proprietor, is in his back office counting money. SQUIDWARD is grumpily taking orders while SpongeDick SquarePants is running the kitchen with his natural good cheer].

PEARL [bursting into her father’s office]: Hi, Dad, I gotta talk to you right now!

MR. SKABS: Just a moment, my precious little vertebrate [counts money] 19,998; 19,999, 20,000. Ah, it does me heart good to make sure me fortune is all here. [looks up at her, smiling]. Now, Pearl of my heart, what be the matter this fine morning? Lose another vibrator up yer kooch again?

PEARL: Dad, I’ve had it with just masturbation. I’m a mature female, and I need more than sex toys and Erica Jong novels to have the orgasms I’m entitled to.

MR. SKABS: Ah, Pearl, Pearl, how you’ve grown. From a calf playing with Barbie’s Beach House to a horny little bitch in heat. Before your mother ran off with that sperm whale, she said this might happen. Aren’t there any nice boy whales in your classes at Bikini Bottom Community College?

PEARL [bitterly indignant]: Boy whales? Give me a break! They’re all shrimp boys at BBCC, if you ask me!

MR. SKABS [looks thoughtful]: Hmm, what about a nice walrus? A seal? A couple of frisky penguins? You can’t beat that old black-and-white thang, heh-heh-heh.

PEARL [increasingly distraught]: HeLLLOOO! Look at me: I’m a fucking WHALE. Do you think a penguin is going to satisfy me?

MR. SKABS [looking anxiously at pile of money on desk]: Ah, Pearl, some topics a father shouldn’t discuss in too much detail with his developin’ daughter. Tell you what: Go home and study and I’ll think about how to deal with your little problem. Here’s a treat for ya [reaches under desk, pulls out vinyl albums]. Go listen to these Donna Summer and Marvin Gaye records. They should float your little man in the boat, if you catch me meaning, until we find a more fittin’ solution.

PEARL [brightening]: Gee, thanks, Dad. You’re the best. My twat’s getting itchy already! [Pearl departs; door hits her ass on the way out].

MR. SKABS [sighs, put head in claws on the desk]: Ah, the new generation! [Turns to another pile of money) 20,001; 20,002; 20,003 . . .

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SCENE 3

[Setting: Mr. Skabs’ office. Skabs speaking with SpongeDick and Squidward. Plankton secretly listens from a hiding place]

MR. SKABS: Boys, I’ve called this staff meeting to get your ideas on a disturbing topic.

SQUIDWARD [side comment to audience]: Oh, brother, did he lose another nickel?

MR. SKABS: My daughter Pearl, has become quite the young lady. She’s been spreadin’ her wings, so to speak, on her own but now she’s looking to expand her sexual horizons.

SPONGEDICK [Scratching his head quizzically]: Wings? Horizons? She wants to be a flight attendant?

SQUIDWARD [Rolling eyes in exasperation]: SpongeDick, you’re so dense. Pearl wants to have sex. You know, the old in-out, roll in the hay, making whoopee, the beast with two backs, yin and yang . . .

SPONGEDICK [Whistling]: Ooh, I get it. [looks solemn] That’s going to be one wild ride for some lucky guy. She’s as big as a whale.

MR. SKABS: SpongeDick, she IS a whale.

SPONGEDICK [Looks upward]: The sexual equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest.

MR. SKABS: I’m looking for solutions, not observations. I want the best for my little Pearl when she loses her virginity. Any suggestions? She’s already ruled out the boys at BBCC.

PLANKTON [Aside to audience]: I know what to do! I’ll build a gigantic fleshy robot with the biggest cock in Bikini Bottom. Pearl will love it. And the only way for her to enjoy that cock is to give me the secret recipe for her father’s Skabby Patties! The recipe will be mine at last, bwa-ha-ha-ha! [Evil laughter continues].

MR. SKABS: SpongeDick, you’ve always been sweet on Pearl. How’d you like to pop her cherry?

SPONGEDICK [Thoughtfully]: I don’t know, Mr. Skabs. She’s an armload. And a buttload, ha-ha.

MR. SKABS: Ah, me boy, and you’re a lot of, um, sponge.

SPONGEDICK: Hey, wait a minute. I’m absorbent! I can make myself as big as Pearl. Watch this! [SpongeDick holds breath, absorbs water, grows taller, buttons on clothes popping]. And check this out [Pulls down pants, mighty yellow penis springs forth.]

SQUIDWARD: Say, that is impressive. You’re absorbent all over. Maybe Pearl would like it. Let me see [Grabs cock, gives it a waggle back and forth. Looks disappointed]. Well, I don’t know. It’s a little lacking in rigidity.

SPONGEDICK: They don’t call me SpongeDick for nothing, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha [laughs maniacally]

MR. SKABS: Well, me boyos, I’m hearing some good ideas. Back to work now, time is money, customers be wanting their Skabby Patties. Let’s sleep on it and see what develops [Others leave, Mr. Skabs stays at desk]. 20,004, 20,005 . . .

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SCENE 4

[Setting: Plankton’s secret lab at his rival restaurant, the Scum Bucket. Plankton furiously uses screwdrivers and welding torch on a robot]

PLANKTON: I’m almost done with my greatest creation. When I’m finished, Pearl will be helpless before the awesome thrusting power of Moby Dick, the great white whale with the great big cock. He-he! He’s already as tall as Pearl, and all I have to do is attach this hydraulically powered wee-wee. Once I get inside, I can control Moby Dick’s movements. This is going to be the culmination of my evil career. The Skabby Patty recipe is as good as mine [attaches penis to body with several nuts and bolts. Works levers from inside robot to raise and lower penis]. It’s alive, alive! [Cackling laughter]. I’ll go find Pearl at BBCC and make my move.

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SCENE 5

[Setting: the campus of Bikini Bottom Community College. Pearl, strolling to cheerleader practice in her sexy orange-and-black cheerleader uniform, bumps into a giant white whale, Plankton’s robot]

PLANKTON [in jerky robotic voice]: Excuse me. I was blinded by your hot booty and did not see where I was going.

PEARL [blushing, assessing his bulk]: Oh, aren’t you sweet. You a new student here?

PLANKTON: Yes, I transferred from another school of fish. You look like one horny little whale.

PEARL [nipples hardening under her cheerleader uniform]: Why . . . how could you tell?

PLANKTON: Come on, baby, we speak the same language. I can smell your excitement.

PEARL [intrigued, increasingly turned on]: Well! What’s your name, big guy?

PLANKTON: They call me Dick, Moby Dick. The name’s no accident, if you catch the drift of my net, ha-ha-ha.

PEARL: My name’s Pearl Skabs. My dad is Mr. Skabs. He runs the best restaurant in Bikini Bottom, the Krusty Skab.

PLANKTON: Not THE Krusty Skab, home of the world-famous, mouth-watering Skabby Patty sandwich?

PEARL: The very same. I help run the office. That gives Dad more time to count the money.

PLANKTON [laughing evilly to himself]: Why don’t we find a deserted classroom and get to know each other better. I’ll give you something to cheer about.

PEARL: You talk the talk, but do you walk the walk?

[They run to a classroom and lock the door]

PEARL: It feels awfully warm in here.

PLANKTON [pulling mechanical cock from his pants]: I’ll teach you the meaning of warm. Feast your eyes on my harpoon, baby.

PEARL: Oooh, that’s the catch of the day! Yummy. Look at what I’ve got [pulls off top to reveal slinky front-clasp bra, pulls down cheerleader skirt and panties, points to her cunt]

PLANKTON [trying to sound excited]: Oooh, baby, you know how to tease your guy.

PEARL: Who’s teasing? Let’s do it right now, right here. [reaches out to grab robot]

PLANKTON [stepping away from her]: Not yet, my sweet little muffin. First, get me the recipe for the Skabby Patty. I’m dying to know it!

PEARL [confused]: Huh? Why do you want the recipe to the Skabby Patty? That’s a big secret.

PLANKTON: I’m, uh, a recipe collector. That’s it, I collect recipes. I want to put it in my scrapbook. Once I have it, I’ll give you the ride of your life, honey. Moby Dick will be primed and ready when you get back [mechanical cock swells].

PEARL [pouting]: Damn, I need a good fucking right now, so, OK, let me get the dumb old recipe.

PLANKTON: Get ready to cum like an undersea lava eruption.

PEARL [starts to leave, then swings around, and grabs mechanical cock]: Oh, I’ve GOT to have a little taste before I go! Come to mama, you big white stud.

PLANKTON [horrified, madly works controls]: No, not yet, not yet, I’m not ready for you!

[Pearl grabs cock in her fist, falls to knees, swings it back and forth]

PEARL: Wow, you’re as hard as steel. I like that in a whale. Hey, what the . . . [Mechanical cock rips at base, begins to spurt hydraulic fluid on Pearl’s boobs]

PLANKTON [to himself]: Damn, the connectors are ripping loose. Why did I use those plastic nuts and bolts?

PEARL [jumping back, holding mechanical cock in her hands, fluid pouring out of it onto her]: Ewwww, GROSS, your rotting cock fell off in my hands. You’ve got the CLAP, you JERKOFF. Look at all this stinky gunk on me! I gotta go disinfect myself. Yeck! [Throws cock at robot, bounces off its head]

PLANKTON [panicked, pleading voice]: No, Pearl my sweet, you don’t understand. Whale cocks are like sharks’ teeth. They fall off on a regular basis but there’s always a bigger and better one right behind it. Really. It will grow back very soon. Get the Skabby Patty recipe and I’ll prove it.

PEARL [dresses, tosses her ponytail dismissively]: Sorry, Charlie. I’ll save my cherry for somebody more worthy. Maybe Flipper. He’s sort of hot.

PLANKTON [angry]: You’ll be sorry. You know what they say, Flipper’s faster than lightning. And that don’t refer to when he’s chasing tuna. Not much pleasure potential there for you.

PEARL: I’ll take my chances. Now take your greasy cock and go fuck yourself with it.

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SCENE 6

[Setting: SpongeDick and Patrick lounging in SpongeDicks’s pineapple house, lying down and blowing bubbles]

SPONGEDICK: I feel sorry for Pearl. She’s got the female equivalent of blue balls.

PATRICK: A cranberry clit?

SPONGEDICK: Purple pudenda?

PATRICK: Clogged cunt? Octagonal ovaries?

SPONGEDICK: Well, whatever girls call it, she’s got it bad, and that ain’t good.

PATRICK: Didn’t you take her to the high school dance? Make a play for her?

SPONGEDICK: Yeah, when we were making out the most she just wanted was for me to help her get her butt plug in. Pearl’s pretty liberated. The problem is, I get big, but I don’t get hard enough for her.

PATRICK: Yeah, that’s a problem. [Lightbulb goes off over his head] Hey, hold your horses. I’ve got an idea! SpongeDick, do your absorbent thing.

SPONGEDICK [puzzled]: OK. [gets big and yellow]

PATRICK: Wahoo, here we go! [picks up SpongeDick, runs to food freezer, throws him in and closes the door] OK, little buddy, 30 minutes in the freezer will get you harder than a bucket of Viagra.

[Clock shows 30 minutes passing. Finally, Patrick opens freezer door, pulls out rigid SpongeDick, covered in icicles with a yellow cock sticking out perpendicular to his body. Patrick stands him up and steps back]

PATRICK: SpongeDick, you the man! You can bang Pearl ‘til the cows come home [Clicks fingers against cock, making hard metallic sound] Jiminy Christmas, your cock is like a tire iron. Whooo-hoo, watch out Pearl, JohnnyWadd SquarePants coming through!

SPONGEDICK [speaking through chattering teeth]: P-p-p-p-atrick, I know I’m h-h-h-h-ard, but I can’t feel anything. I’m numb all over from the c-c-c-c-cold.

GARY [goggle eyed]: Meow.

PATRICK [squints eyes, looks disappointed]: Well, when did your get so par-tic-u-lar about things? You want to be hard, you want to feel things. Hey, pal, don’t you know you can’t have it all?

SPONGEDICK: Maybe I can be a little hard and a little melty, so I can feel what my cock is up to.

PATRICK [thinking hard]: Maybe you’re right. Ooooh, maybe I can warm you up a little.

[Patrick puts cock in his armpit, flaps elbow up and down in a bird-like motion. Ice melts a little]

PATRICK: Hey, this feels pretty good. I think you’re thawing, little buddy. Can you feel anything?

SPONGEDICK: A few tingles. Slight urge to thrust my hips.

PATRICK: At some point, you’ll achieve a perfect balance of thawing, between hardness and sensitivity. Then – oooh laaa laaa! My armpit feels pretty good, too.

SQUIDWARD [walks into room, sees SpongeDick humping Patrick’s armpit, looks exasperated]: Now what is it? Let me guess. SpongeDick stuck his shlong in a freezer for some bizarre reason and now Patrick’s trying to thaw it out.

PATRICK: Pretty good guess, Squidward. We’re trying to figure out how SpongeDick can stay hard and sensitive enough to slip the old sponge torpedo into Pearl.

GARY [becoming aroused]: Meoooooow.

SQUIDWARD: Take from me, boys, Pearl’s going to be pretty unimpressed if SpongeDick fucks her armpit. Don’t you guys know ANYTHING about mammalian anatomy?

PATRICK: Hey, man, I’m a starfish with five arms. Armpits are our favorite erogenous zone. Oh, I forgot, squids don’t have erogenous zones. Tooooo bad [chuckles, keeps flapping arm].

SQUIDWARD [rolls eyes upward]: Oh, brother, do I have to show these rustics how to do everything? Why me, Lord, why? [Grabs Patrick, spins him around, bends him over, pulls down pants]. You’re not an exact match for Pearl, Patrick, but you’ll have to do. [Grabs SpongeDick’s cock, aims it at Patrick’s rump]. OK, SpongeDick, start thrusting right here, up Patrick’s cute little tush. Patrick, how does that feel?

PATRICK [eyes glazing over, drool dripping from corner of mouth]: Hey, I found a new erogenous zone! Thanks, Squidward, you’re a pal.

SPONGEDICK [pushing harder into Patrick]: I . . . think . . . I’m . . . reaching . . . the . . . critical point between being frozen . . . and being . . . sensitive.

GARY [bouncing up and down in excitement]: Meoww, Meowww, MEOWWW.

SpongeDick [Bucks and grabs Patrick’s hips, starts spinning, comes hard, bursts into song]:

Oh, what a beautiful mornin’,

Oh what a beautiful day,

SpongeDick is comin’ up Patrick,

Everything’s goin’ my way!

PATRICK [tongue hanging out, big smile on face]: Wow, SpongeDick, this is even more fun that National Free Balloon Day! Now, do my armpit again.

GARY [collapses to floor in happy exhaustion]: Meeeooowww.

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Scene 7

[Setting: office of Krusty Skab. SpongeDick reading local newspaper, the Bikini Bottom “Daily Tongue Bath.”]

MR. SKABS: Me boyos, I hear about lots of activities on Project Pearl.

SPONGEDICK: Patrick and I are doing daily experiments to find the right balance between penile hardness and sensitivity.

PATRICK [flapping arms]: I just flew in from Cleveland and boy my arms are tired.

SPONGEDICK [to camera]: We keep finding Patrick’s erogenous zones.

PEARL [entering in tight, low-cut waitress costume]: I thought I had lucked out when I met Moby Dick, but it was just Plankton’s latest scheme to get the Skabby Patty recipe. He sure had me fooled for a while. My twat is still itchy.

SANDY LABIA [entering office in space suit and breathing helmet. Sounds chipper with thick Texas accent]: Hey, there, fellow sea creatures. Why all the sour pusses?

PEARL: I’m trying to lose my virginity. I’m tired of toys, but it’s really hard to find a good cock.

SANDY: On the other hand, it’s really good to find a hard cock.

SPONGEDICK: That’s what Patrick and I are working on. We don’t have it quite right, yet.

SANDY [eyeing voluptuous Pearl in her Krusty Skab waitress uniform]: Why, Pearlie, why don’t we go for a little walk and talk about this here problem, girl to girl?

PEARL: That’s cool with me. Here, Patrick, get in touch with your waiter tendencies [throws apron at him]. Dad, I’m sure the place will keep running while I’m out. Let’s hit the road, Sandy.

[Pearl and Sandy leave, walk to Sandy’s domed undersea home, where she can take off her oxygen helmet. Pearl, being a mammal, can breathe the air inside. They sit down on a couch.]

SANDY: It’s always memorable when a girl loses her cherry. Sometimes it’s hellacious, sometimes more fun than a barrel of walnuts, but it’s always something a gal remembers.

PEARL: I want it to be memorable, but nothing’s come along that works.

SANDY: Technically, you have a bunch of cherries to lose. Your cunt, your ass, your mouth and, well, your sappho.

PEARL: That’s amazing! I always thought you were a virgin until a guy stuck his cock up your twat.

SANDY: That’s just a misconception. Pearl, you’re just one big bunch of cherries waiting to be plucked over and over again.

PEARL: Do dildos, buttplugs and ben-wha balls count?

SANDY: Hell no. That’s just a scrimmage, as we say in Texas. Sex with somebody else – that’s the real football game.

PEARL: And what’s your sappho?

SANDY [grinning wickedly]: Hell, that’s Homecoming! That’s sex with another girl [reaches out, puts hand on Pearl’s thigh through her flouncy waitress skirt]. You know, Pearl, the way I look at things, only a girl knows how to satisfy another girl. That’s getting in touch with your sappho side. It’s an estrus cycle thing.

PEARL: Your hand feels good. And you’re a girl, and I’m a girl.

SANDY: That’s right. To be more specific, in our case, only a girl squirrel can figger out what a girl whale really needs. And sister, I don’t think you’ve been getting what you need.

PEARL [leans back on couch]: That’s the truth. Uh, what do I need?

SANDY: You need to have your big grey nose kissed, first of all [kisses nose]. Second, maybe, just maybe, I can give those sweet little thighs a rub. Bet the boys at BBCC don’t treat you this way.

PEARL [pouting]: They’re just a bunch of minnows. I like what you’re doing [closes eyes while Sandy moves her fingers up her legs, massages her thighs, from knee to panties. Sandy looks at Pearl with animal-like lust]. Hey, Sandy, what do you want?