This is set near the end of Season 3 of The Big Bang Theory - when both Penny [Kaley Cuoco] and Bernadette [Melissa Rauch] just broke up with their boyfriends.
*****
May 2010
Me and my friend Jim didn't have the highest expectations when we went to the club. I had been on a dry spell, although it was nothing compared to Jim's. So we went out for drinks and tried not to ruin it by striking out.
And then we saw them.
It's an age old dream to find two hot blondes at a bar. As old as it is, it just is.
In this case, one of them was in a killer black dress and was already downing a shot. The other one was dressed down more, wearing a less revealing blue top, purple cardigan and glasses - but the outlines it made out suggested something killer underneath as well. If not more so.
I thought it and her over a bit more, until the words, "Bartender! Whatever she's having, please!" from Jim broke up my thinking. Usually Jim's not that forward - but I supposed his drought, and the way the drinking blonde filled out that dress, inspired him to push himself.
Lo and behold, it worked, as she stopped drinking and noticed the both of us. She probably noticed Jim ordering her drink more, but the other blonde took notice too. "Hey! You just figure out that's the good stuff too?" blonde No. 1 asked Jim.
"Guess I'm about to!" Jim called out, as the bartender returned with his shot just in time. He took it and quickly downed it, then exhaled deeply. "Yeah, I see it!"
"Great! Let's keep testing this little hypotenuse!" the blonde encouraged, going over to Jim.
"I think you mean hypothesis," the other blonde said, in a squeakier voice than her likely...less intelligent friend. "Besides, Penny, do you really want to drink your troubles away that much tonight? Shouldn't you pace yourself for future post-breakup drinking nights?"
"I don't know, Bernadette. Are you gonna?" Penny asked her friend. Somehow, that seemed to switch this Bernadette from a meek, nerdy girl into something...scarier.
She then marched next to me and pointed to the nearest drink next to the bartender. "Two shots, keep 'em coming!" she said in a much more intimidating voice.
Inspired, I decided to ask, "Is there room to get in on half of that? I can cover both halves, just in case," I offered, which made her finally take notice of me and calm down.
"Oh, sorry," Bernadette reverted back to her mousier voice. "I didn't mean to bother you. The jury's out on Penny. It may well be after a few more shots, anyway," she gestured, as I saw Jim get chatted up by Penny.
"I doubt that jury would mind finding her guilty," I tried to joke, but backtracked when Bernadette didn't laugh. "Not that he wouldn't examine the evidence in a safe, legal, completely respectful manner," I tried to save for Jim, if not myself. "Not that he'd do any examining without permission."
After a pause, Bernadette asked, "Are any of you into online gaming?"
Despite how that came out of nowhere, I felt safe enough to answer, "No, not me. Not him either, last time I checked this afternoon."
"All right, your judging credentials check out," Bernadette declared for some reason.
"If that's the case, then say hello to judge Johnny," I said as an introduction.
"Bernadette, Mr. juror," she told me back, just as the shots came on down. Deciding not to take both after all, she let me have one - which was fair after offering to pay for both.
Once we gulped them down and Bernadette struggled with the taste, I had to ask, "Is it bad if I bring up...how unusual it is for a woman like you and one like...that to be drinking together?" I gestured back to Penny - who was all but overwhelming Jim in some way or another.
"Only a little. But she's been in more unusual pairings, I can tell you," Bernadette shared. "I guess she's not in them now, though. I only got to see a little of it myself. But I guess I won't anymore. For at least two heartbreaking, stupid, online troll and Will Wheaton be damned reasons!" she got scary again at the end.
"Will Wheaton? Online troll? Okay, I get what you mean about unusual pairings," I said.
"Oh, they're not together! Not in anything but home wrecking chaos, anyway," Bernadette set up.
After that, Bernadette told me a bunch of stuff that could only be punchlines in a comedy. Like her claim that Penny dated a local scientist named Leonard for a year, her easier to believe claim that she was a microbiologist, and the weirder ones that Penny dumped Leonard on advice from actor Will Wheaton, over a bowling grudge match.
But those weird claims had nothing on the ones she made about Leonard's best friend. A few extra shots thankfully got those claims out of my head.
Then Bernadette went on to talk about her own recent breakup, which is where the online troll supposedly came in. I missed a few details by that point, especially when I saw Penny lead Jim onto the dance floor.
After enjoying that show - albeit not as much as Jim probably was - for a while, Bernadette got loud enough for me to notice again. She was still ranting about her ex, so thankfully my lack of attention escaped her attention.
"I didn't even ask questions about him and Raj! And boy, I could have!" she went on. "I even kept laughing at his jokes when I got them! That's the kind of restraint he liked from me! But I guess he liked pixelated restraints from a pixelated troll hooker even more!" she yelled, slamming the latest shot when she was done.
"If that's what you said he liked, I guess I can't argue," was all I could admit. It seemed to switch her back from an angry, tiny titan into a shy wildebeest again.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I shouldn't hurt your eardrums that bad. I don't usually let off steam like that. I just wanted to give it a try and help Penny do it tonight too."
"I suppose I helped in some small way with the second part. Jim was my ride, after all," I commented. "But I don't know if any of us can ride out of here ourselves," I cautioned.
"Yeah. I know I'm a lightweight compared to Penny. But we shouldn't prove it's that big a gap anymore," Bernadette reasoned. "I'll see if they're ready for a cab."
