This is set near the end of Season 3 of The Big Bang Theory - when both Penny [Kaley Cuoco] and Bernadette [Melissa Rauch] just broke up with their boyfriends.
*****
May 2010
Me and my friend Jim didn't have the highest expectations when we went to the club. I had been on a dry spell, although it was nothing compared to Jim's. So we went out for drinks and tried not to ruin it by striking out.
And then we saw them.
It's an age old dream to find two hot blondes at a bar. As old as it is, it just is.
In this case, one of them was in a killer black dress and was already downing a shot. The other one was dressed down more, wearing a less revealing blue top, purple cardigan and glasses - but the outlines it made out suggested something killer underneath as well. If not more so.
I thought it and her over a bit more, until the words, "Bartender! Whatever she's having, please!" from Jim broke up my thinking. Usually Jim's not that forward - but I supposed his drought, and the way the drinking blonde filled out that dress, inspired him to push himself.
Lo and behold, it worked, as she stopped drinking and noticed the both of us. She probably noticed Jim ordering her drink more, but the other blonde took notice too. "Hey! You just figure out that's the good stuff too?" blonde No. 1 asked Jim.
"Guess I'm about to!" Jim called out, as the bartender returned with his shot just in time. He took it and quickly downed it, then exhaled deeply. "Yeah, I see it!"
"Great! Let's keep testing this little hypotenuse!" the blonde encouraged, going over to Jim.
"I think you mean hypothesis," the other blonde said, in a squeakier voice than her likely...less intelligent friend. "Besides, Penny, do you really want to drink your troubles away that much tonight? Shouldn't you pace yourself for future post-breakup drinking nights?"
"I don't know, Bernadette. Are you gonna?" Penny asked her friend. Somehow, that seemed to switch this Bernadette from a meek, nerdy girl into something...scarier.
She then marched next to me and pointed to the nearest drink next to the bartender. "Two shots, keep 'em coming!" she said in a much more intimidating voice.
Inspired, I decided to ask, "Is there room to get in on half of that? I can cover both halves, just in case," I offered, which made her finally take notice of me and calm down.
"Oh, sorry," Bernadette reverted back to her mousier voice. "I didn't mean to bother you. The jury's out on Penny. It may well be after a few more shots, anyway," she gestured, as I saw Jim get chatted up by Penny.
"I doubt that jury would mind finding her guilty," I tried to joke, but backtracked when Bernadette didn't laugh. "Not that he wouldn't examine the evidence in a safe, legal, completely respectful manner," I tried to save for Jim, if not myself. "Not that he'd do any examining without permission."
After a pause, Bernadette asked, "Are any of you into online gaming?"
Despite how that came out of nowhere, I felt safe enough to answer, "No, not me. Not him either, last time I checked this afternoon."
"All right, your judging credentials check out," Bernadette declared for some reason.
"If that's the case, then say hello to judge Johnny," I said as an introduction.
"Bernadette, Mr. juror," she told me back, just as the shots came on down. Deciding not to take both after all, she let me have one - which was fair after offering to pay for both.
Once we gulped them down and Bernadette struggled with the taste, I had to ask, "Is it bad if I bring up...how unusual it is for a woman like you and one like...that to be drinking together?" I gestured back to Penny - who was all but overwhelming Jim in some way or another.
"Only a little. But she's been in more unusual pairings, I can tell you," Bernadette shared. "I guess she's not in them now, though. I only got to see a little of it myself. But I guess I won't anymore. For at least two heartbreaking, stupid, online troll and Will Wheaton be damned reasons!" she got scary again at the end.
"Will Wheaton? Online troll? Okay, I get what you mean about unusual pairings," I said.
"Oh, they're not together! Not in anything but home wrecking chaos, anyway," Bernadette set up.
After that, Bernadette told me a bunch of stuff that could only be punchlines in a comedy. Like her claim that Penny dated a local scientist named Leonard for a year, her easier to believe claim that she was a microbiologist, and the weirder ones that Penny dumped Leonard on advice from actor Will Wheaton, over a bowling grudge match.
But those weird claims had nothing on the ones she made about Leonard's best friend. A few extra shots thankfully got those claims out of my head.
Then Bernadette went on to talk about her own recent breakup, which is where the online troll supposedly came in. I missed a few details by that point, especially when I saw Penny lead Jim onto the dance floor.
After enjoying that show - albeit not as much as Jim probably was - for a while, Bernadette got loud enough for me to notice again. She was still ranting about her ex, so thankfully my lack of attention escaped her attention.
"I didn't even ask questions about him and Raj! And boy, I could have!" she went on. "I even kept laughing at his jokes when I got them! That's the kind of restraint he liked from me! But I guess he liked pixelated restraints from a pixelated troll hooker even more!" she yelled, slamming the latest shot when she was done.
"If that's what you said he liked, I guess I can't argue," was all I could admit. It seemed to switch her back from an angry, tiny titan into a shy wildebeest again.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I shouldn't hurt your eardrums that bad. I don't usually let off steam like that. I just wanted to give it a try and help Penny do it tonight too."
"I suppose I helped in some small way with the second part. Jim was my ride, after all," I commented. "But I don't know if any of us can ride out of here ourselves," I cautioned.
"Yeah. I know I'm a lightweight compared to Penny. But we shouldn't prove it's that big a gap anymore," Bernadette reasoned. "I'll see if they're ready for a cab."
Knowing Jim, I could tell he wasn't drunk drunk yet, but he wasn't in driving drunk shape either. Another few minutes in this club with Penny, and he certainly wouldn't be.
Nevertheless, I downed another shot myself, even though it'd make me less likely to be a suitable designated driver - or maybe because of it. I was just drunk enough not to think it through.
I was fast enough to get up and help Bernadette when she started swaying. I even only let myself look down at her for a second, which confirmed she was covered up enough to avoid showing any cleavage. But even with the quite impressive cleavage Penny was showing, Bernadette's covered up chest still looked fuller and even hotter.
Those thoughts made me go right back to the bar for another shot - which ensured they couldn't see the front of my pants, and gave me a chance to make sure there was nothing to see after all. Once the evidence was gone, I knew for sure I wouldn't be able to drive.
Bernadette got Penny and Jim to agree that we should take a cab. She didn't agree right away that it should drop us all off at her apartment, though. But Penny argued she couldn't go to her home, since her boyfriend lived next door or something I didn't quite catch. I hadn't even caught her last name in all this, although Bernadette's sounded like something I couldn't even spell.
We settled on getting a cab for all four of us to go to Bernadette's, with the promise that me and Jim would go get our own cab after cooling down. Jim paid the tab for it, and I promised I'd cover the next one - without suggesting when I'd prefer that time to be.
For the moment at hand, we arrived at Bernadette's place. Me and her sat down on the left end of her blue couch, with Penny laying on the right and Jim sitting on the right arm. I then took action, getting us each a glass of water before we got too drunk or tired.
Penny was more reluctant to drink water or sit around, just as she was more reluctant to leave the bar. From Bernadette's stories about her recent heartbreak, I figured she didn't want to be in a quiet place with a chance to think to herself for a while. And I kind of gave Jim less wiggle room for him to help with that, in...whatever way he wanted.
So I compromised by finding some alcohol in Bernadette's fridge, then I poured Penny a last shot. In return, I found a bigger glass to fill with water, for Penny to gulp down as her second drink. She gulped both down pretty quickly.
I just gave out water for the rest of us, then gladly sat back down when it was passed out. I didn't feel ready to pass out yet. But the longer I sat on this comfy couch, the heavier my eyes got from being plain old tired. Plus since I'd struck out early in recent weeks, I hadn't really been up this late for a while.
When I felt Bernadette by my side, I figured I wasn't alone. Yet as my eyes got heavier, and I remembered we still had company, I wasn't in the best position to do anything about it.
I turned my head to see Bernadette's, as her eyes were only half open. The alcohol and her anger must have exhausted her too. Of course, it took me till now to get this close to her - and to see what a clear, beautiful shade of blue her eyes were behind those glasses.
That was the last sight I saw before the darkness. It could have been worse - or even better.
JIM'S P.O.V.
I thought they'd never go to sleep. I almost said it out loud before I caught myself. Instead, I told Penny, "So I guess I'll get us our own cab?"
"You could. But maybe he's right," Penny said. "Maybe I need another water to clear my head. Defeats the purpose if I'm not."
"It does now?" I asked, going over to fill another glass anyway.
"I gotta be drunk enough to do this. But not drunk enough to forget it. I need this enough, I gotta remember it. For a little while, anyway," Penny explained, before I handed out the glass.
