A fictional story about fictional characters.
*****
It was Tuesday night and Penny and her friend and fellow waitress Bernadette Rostenkowski were standing behind the bar of the Cheesecake Factory. It had been a slow night and they had plenty of time to converse while waiting on the few customers in the restaurant. "I'm going to introduce Howard to April," Penny informed Bernadette, "he did me a favor and I promised I would introduce him to one of my friends."
"But you know I kind of like Howard," Bernadette squeaked in her high-pitched voice.
"Really," Penny responded, "because Howard said he didn't think you were into him."
"What girl wouldn't be interested in Howard, with those smoldering eyes and those tight hoochy-mama pants he wears," Bernadette proclaimed, "you just tell him I'm waiting for him to make the first move."
"Yeah...right," Penny pretended to agree, "OK, forget about April."
"And don't think I don't know where your interests lie," Bernadette teased her, "I see you on Tuesday nights before the boys come in, standing in front of the stainless steel looking at your reflection, fixing your hair and touching up your lipstick."
"Oh that's just a coincidence, I always try to look my best," Penny brushed off her inference.
"Right...and don't think I haven't seen the way Leonard stares at you with that dreamy look in his eyes," Bernadette continued to tease.
"Really...he does? Oh, lots of guys stare at me," Penny answered.
"Yeah, especially when you "accidentally" leave the top three buttons of your blouse undone," Bernadette stated.
"Hey as a scientist you should appreciate that because it's part of a scientific experiment to see if I get better tips...and the results have been overwhelmingly positive," Penny told her.
"Scientific experiment...good one...but seriously, I can tell that with Leonard it's the real thing because when he stares at you he's staring at your face...not below your neck. You really shouldn't let this one get away...I know he's a nerd, but you can't always judge a book by it's cover," Bernadette urged her. "I know he's not the type you usually go out with; all handsome with lots of muscles, but nerds are loyal and will treat you the way a girl should be treated."
"To be honest with you Bernie, we have been out on a couple dates and the last one was the absolute nicest date I have ever been on," Penny admitted.
"And you didn't tell me," Bernadette squealed, her voice reaching an upper octave that only dogs could hear, "come on...spill...did you...you know."
"Jeez...no...it was just the nicest night. He took me up to the roof for a candle-lit dinner and we looked at the meteor shower. He is just the sweetest guy and it felt like we had known each other forever. It would be so easy for me to fall for Leonard head-over-heels, but I've been burned so many times; I just keep waiting for the REAL Leonard to show up...you know, the one who treats me like crap, Penny sadly added."
"Trust me on this Penny," Bernadette assured her, "I have been around nerds all my life...heck, I'm one of them...with Leonard, what you see is what you get. They only have a dark-side in their comic books. If you let him get away, you'll regret it. I've seen the way he looks at you...you are his princess."
"Thanks Bernie," Penny hugged her friend, "I needed to hear that...I'm going to make this nerd, my nerd."
As if on cue, Leonard, his roommate Sheldon, Howard, and their fellow scientist Raj walked through the door and headed for their usual table...Penny's table. Penny casually walked over to their table, leaned over and kissed Leonard on the cheek and then asked for their orders. Howard, Raj and even Leonard were too speechless to answer, their jaws hanging open at Penny's affectionate gesture, so she just nodded at Sheldon and read what she was writing on her pad, "barbeque bacon cheeseburger, with the barbeque, bacon and cheese on the side." After they had recovered enough to give her their orders, she reached out and squeezed Leonard's hand, then walked into the kitchen, leaving them stunned.
"What the hell was that," Howard demanded, nearly popping a vein in his forehead. Truthfully, Leonard was just as shocked as the rest of them (not being privy to Penny's previous conversation), but he played it cool, "I guess I'm just irresistible."
Sheldon snorted, his version of a laugh, and announced, "isn't it obvious...Penny is playing on your insecurities to increase her gratuity. I'll tell you one thing...she better not try to kiss me."
"Yeah, I don't think you have anything to worry about Sheldon," Howard calmed him, "but I would be happy to give her a big tip...if you know what I mean."
"Yeah Sheldon," Leonard added, ignoring Howard, "after all this time Penny knows she is only going to get the standard 15 % from you...figured out to the penny."
"But seriously," Raj chimed in, "what was all that touching about. Especially after you totally missed the kick-ass birthday party she threw for you...she must have been really pissed."
"Yeah, damn it...I missed it too and she promised to introduce me to her easy friends," Howard sadly added.
"No...she wasn't too pissed," Leonard dreamily added as he was flashing back to the night of his party when Penny had awakened him, slid into his bed and gave him two birthday gifts: her left breast and her right breast. "She is so perfect," he mumbled out loud.
"Stop mumbling," Sheldon scolded him, "here comes our food...finally."
As Penny distributed their orders, she leaned into Howard and whispered, "Bernadette is hot for you...she's just waiting for you to make your move."
"Jeez...what was that," Raj demanded, "when am I going to get a break?"
"Well...it seems like Leonard is not the only one who is irresistible," Howard explained, "Bernadette has the hots for me."
That night just before closing, Penny was cleaning up the bar when she noticed one of the last customers seemed to be having an argument with Bernadette. He was an absolutely huge black man with a glistening shaved head, and he seemed even bigger when standing in front of the midget-sized Bernadette. Penny started to approach them to see if her friend needed help, when Bernadette waved her off, "it's OK Penny, nothing to worry about." The imposing man gestured toward the apprehensive Penny and then abruptly left the restaurant.
"Jeez Bernie, I know it's none of my business but is everything all right," Penny inquired, "that dude was kinda scary."
Bernadette collapsed into one of the bar stools and began to spill everything to her good friend: "here's the thing Penny. You know I have been working my way through grad school with this job to supplement my income at the pharmaceutical company. Well they have offered me a huge promotion; heading a division of research; but the job is contingent on my getting my doctorate. That's really expensive. My father helps, but you know he is a retired cop and his pension doesn't go far. I've been able to afford the books and the classes, but this year's tuition was exorbitant."
"Isn't there some kind of assistance you could apply for," Penny asked.
"No, not for this level...only if I was an unwed mother or on welfare or something," Bernadette informed her. "Anyway, can I tell you something in confidence...promise not to tell anyone...ever?"
"Promise," Penny answered, making a zipping motion across her ruby lips.
"Well, truth be told, I am kind of a nympho...I love being naked...and I love sex. I used to do some performing for that guy you saw me with. Sometimes I did it for free, just because I liked it." You could have knocked Penny over with a feather, hearing innocent little Bernadette's confession. "Anyway, when I needed the tuition money, I borrowed it from this guy and his associates; as a last resort of course. Now they want it back...immediately. I assumed they would wait until I got the promotion, which would have meant a huge raise; but they want it now. Since I don't have it, they are willing to let me work it off...but...there is a catch."
"Wow, this is unbelievable," Penny blurted out, "it's like something out of a movie. What's the catch?"
"Well, they need two girls," Bernadette told her, nearly in tears, "he saw you and told me I would have to bring you along; or find someone just as attractive. Penny if you would do this for me I would be forever in your debt...I would owe you big time. I could get you a job at the drug company...anything you want...this would save my life...and I bet they would tip you generously."
Penny was speechless. Her best friend was asking her to do some kind of sex show with her. On the one hand she loved Bernadette and would do almost anything for her, but after recent events she was trying to stay away from getting naked for strangers. Due to the film she had just made, but was not very proud of, for the first time since moving to California she wasn't desperate for money.
Tears were streaming down Bernadette's rosy cheeks as Penny hugged her and whispered, "I'll do it...but Leonard can never know...promise."
"Or Howard," Bernadette sobbed, hugging Penny back, "I promise. Thank you so much. I have never had such a good friend before."
The following afternoon as Penny was entering the lobby of her building, struggling with two oversized bags of groceries, Leonard was descending the stairs to check his mail, "hi gorgeous," he grinned from ear to ear, "let me help you with those."
