None of the events in this story occurred. It's all fiction.
Chapter 1: Life Thus Far
California is one trippy fucking place. The laws alone will make your fucking head spin, not mention its whackadoo inhabitants. There some nice things about it though. And some of the people are actually nice as well. But SOME being the key word. I learned this bit early in life, at around seven years old. This new kid had come to my first grade classroom.
She was from Russia, and had some trouble speaking English. A lot of kids, mainly ones bigger than her, picked on her a lot. Of course, right away, one of the nice people came to her defense. Me. I've always had a problem with bullies, so I clocked one of them in the face. I may have gotten in trouble, but it was worth it. The kids stayed off her case for the most part, and I got a lifelong friend out of the deal. Her name is Mila Kunis. My name? That's Jake Parker. And if things were proper in this universe, she and I would be together. But we're not. I'm mainly to blame for that. For some reason, I have this fear that if she knew how I felt about her, she'd never want to see me again, and I couldn't bare that thought. That's not to say I don't have some fun. Just because I'm mad about a woman doesn't mean I'm not going to look elsewhere if I'm not involved with her.
Like I said before, California is an odd place, and the oddities all seem to stem from the southern half of it, and the southern half's chief export. Don't believe what you may have heard the export is. It's not a fruit or any kind of food. The export is entertainment, and that export, while good in its right, has driven the inhabitants of California, mainly the Southern part, insane. They all have the dream, that will of COURSE come true, of making it. Even I fell for this bug, but not in the way most do. I wanted to be a writer, so I got the saner half of insanity. Of, course, as many know, Mila went with acting, and got a lot of success from it. I have had some stuff published, and am currently working on what I hope will be my first major novel. For money though, I have a somewhat normal job. I run my own bookstore.
You know, I realize I have gone on a bit without even describing myself, at least on the physical side of things. I'm five foot eight, and around 175. I work out a bit, but I'm no monster. The best way to describe my build I guess would be Shawn Michaels-esque, but I guess you'd have to know who the Heartbreak Kid is for that to do much. Black hair, and blue eyes round up the package, well, the clothed package at least, though you'll learn enough about me as time goes on.Anyhow, production on the new season of Mila's show, That 70's Show, had begun, and she invited me onset to hang out with her. We hadn't seen each other for the entire summer. I had gone to London to visit some friends, and had barely even spoken with her. I had been on the set before, so it was no huge thing. I made sure to have Dyl(employee and best friend on the guy side) watch the store. Any chance to just be around her was enough of a reason for me to show up, and Dyl gets that. Anyhow, I arrived on the set and was greeted with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
"Oh Jake, I have missed you SO much," she said. "How has my hero been?"
"Good, good," I said with a smile. "Had some fun. London was a lot more fun than I thought it'd be. Still, I missed having you around. You know, someone to rescue, and watch as I uphold truth, justice, and freedom!." We both had a laugh at that, while the rest of the cast just looked at us with an odd stare.
"It's an inside thing," we both told them at the same time.
"Listen, we're going to rehearse a bit, then me and Laura are going to catch some lunch. You wanna join us, Gotham Knight?" she asked.
"Well, I was going to organize my precious lint collection, but I guess I could waste my time." She gave me a punch on the arm with that comment.
"Then it's a date smart mouth." She gave me a kiss on the cheek and walked back to the set. I just stood back and watched them rehearse, and eventually got bored with that and whipped out my GBA and played some Mario Advance. Time passed, and it was time for lunch.. Mila, Laura and I all hopped into my car and drove off.
"Now, where we heading for lunch ladies?" I asked.
"This little Mexican place I found a while back," said Laura. Just keep heading straight, then make a right at the sixth light."
"Gotcha.," I replied.
"You got any music to listen to?" Laura asked me.
"Oh of course. Only from the hottest band in the world,"
"And who would that be, in your opinion? In all the years that you've come to visit Mila on the set, the rest of us know only a little about you, except that obvious fact you two are very close. That includes musical preferences mystery man."
"You kidding me? Who else could be the hottest band in the world?"
"Oh, I don't know, Radiohead maybe?"
I was a bit taken aback. "Excuse me?"
"Oh boy, here we go again," Mila said with a giggle.
"Ms. Prepon, I am shocked. Being on a show taking place in the 70's, you do not know who the hottest band in the world is." I said as I slipped a CD into the stereo, and the now famous intro came on. From my speakers it emanated: "You wanted the best, YOU GOT THE BEST...The hottest band in the world, KISS!!!!" and it then went into the song Detroit Rock City.
"Ah, I see. You like your rock dumbed down." said Laura.
"Give me a song about cold gin or casual sex over a song trying to explain the mysteries of the universe any day Red. Not to mention Ace Frehley is a God amongst guitarists. Plain and simple, its rock and roll, pure, unaltered rock and roll. Can the ever so revered Radiohead say that?"
"Laura, don't try to argue with him," Mila said, "He's a card carrying member of the KISS Army. And it's actually kind of good once you get into it. Hey, could you skip ahead to Love Gun? I frickin' LOVE that song."
"Of course milady." Soon enough, we arrived at the restaurant. We were seated, and ordered our drinks. We were sipping our drinks and eating some complimentary chips, sitting in our booth making idle chit chat. Laura and I, despite our musical disagreement, were we really getting along. I have to admit, I was REALLY attracted to her, and I think she felt the same.
"So, what's with all the 'rescuing' and 'hero' stuff? You save Mila's life or something once?" Laura asked.
"No, it goes back to when I first came to this country. I didn't speak English, well, at all, and a lot of kids teased the Hell out of me in the first grade, at least until Jake here, beat the snot out of the big bully who was heading the pack. The kid was in third grade, and lil' seven year old Jake knocks him on his butt with one punch, breaks his nose with another to get him to stop teasing me. He basically has always watched out for me. And since he was big into comics, and I think still is, I called him my own private super-hero. He never let anyone mess with me. He's probably my closest friend," Mila said.
"Yeah, that's the story. Now cue the sappy music." I joked.