The Bat Signal lit the sky over Gotham City. On a hill just outside the city limits, Batman said, "Quickly, Boytoy Wonder. To the Batmobile. We have to get to police headquarters."
Dildo the Boytoy Wonder wiped his mouth and stood. "What's going on?"
Batman sighed. Why hadn't the sidekick temp agency sent him someone with brains to fill in while Robin was on his Hedo vacation? "The Bat Signal is lit," he explained, hoping he sounded more patient than he felt. "Commissioner Gordon needs us."
"Oh. Who's Commissioner Gordon again?"
Batman squelched the urge to throttle the Boytoy Wonder. "Just get in the car."
As the Batmobile raced through the streets of Gotham, Dildo's hand crept over the center console to Batman's thigh. Batman knocked it away. "Not now. We have a crime to solve."
"But we didn't finish what we were doing," Dildo whined.
"Later, Boytoy Wonder." The young man definitely lived up to his name, Batman reflected.
The Batmobile stopped in front of Gotham's police headquarters, and Batman leapt out of the car. Dildo's cape caught on the door, causing him to fall flat on his face. Batman rolled his eyes. "Get up and come on."
"Sidekick training school never mentioned leaping out of cars," Dildo muttered.
The Dynamic Duo were ushered into the chief's office, where Commissioner Gordon paced in front of a map full of pushpins. "Each of these pins represents a heinous crime," he intoned. "Young, sexy women have been found in each location, with... oh, it's almost too horrible to mention."
"Were they murdered?" Batman queried.
"Worse," the Commissioner replied. "They were masturbating!"
"Nothing wrong with a little self-relief," Dildo commented.
"Perhaps not," the Commissioner said. "But each of the women completely ignored the male officers who attempted to assist them. And we've had reports from men whose dates or girlfriends refused to even kiss them after receiving mysterious packages in the mail. The women of Gotham City are shunning all men!"
"Some women aren't interested in men, Commissioner," Batman pointed out.
"I'm aware of that, Caped Crusader. However, the women we've encountered had all happily engaged in heterosexual relations prior to receiving these packages."
"What's in the packages?" Batman wanted to know.
"We've been trying for days to determine that, but the men who reported their girlfriends receiving them weren't able to find out," the Commissioner responded. "The women refused to tell them, and in at least one case, threw the man out of the house rather than risk his finding out. But we got a break a little while ago, which is why we summoned you. Boobsicle Girl received one of the packages this afternoon. I instructed her not to open it, but to bring it straight here." He checked his watch. "She should have been here by now. I hope nothing's happened to her."
"Perhaps you should call her," Batman suggested.
Commissioner Gordon picked up the phone and dialed Boobsicle Girl's top-secret number. After a minute, he shook his head. "Ten rings and no answer. Something's wrong, Caped Crusader. Boobsicle Girl always takes my calls."
"We'll go to her apartment and check things out." Batman turned to Dildo. "When entering a home or apartment, who goes first, the hero or the sidekick?"
"The hero."
"Good. Remember that this time." Batman looked at the Commissioner. "The sidekick temp agency isn't what it used to be."
"When's Robin due back?" the Commissioner asked.
"Soon, I hope. He had a lot of vacation time stockpiled."
"One more thing, Batman." Commissioner Gordon picked up a photo and handed it to Batman. "That's StrapOn. A villain new to Gotham City. We have reason to believe he helped in The Stroker's escape from Gotham City Jail last week."
"The Stroker," Batman repeated. "Of course! That would explain the masturbation. Dildo, quickly, back to the Batmobile! Boobsicle Girl may be in danger!"
"I don't see what the problem is if women shun men," Dildo muttered. "Just means more men for the rest of us."
"Dildo, shut up and come on."
The Dynamic Duo raced back to the Batmobile and took off through the streets of Gotham City to the apartment complex where Boobsicle Girl lived. An all-too-familiar purple and green roadster was parked in front of Boobsicle Girl's building. "The Stroker's already here," Batman said. "We must use our heads, Dildo."
"I wouldn't mind using your head," Dildo replied.
"The ones at the top of our necks!" Batman snapped. "Focus, Boytoy Wonder! Boobsicle Girl has been a great ally in the ongoing fight against crime in Gotham City." And in Batman's own ongoing fight against horniness. "We can't afford to lose her to those criminals!"
"All right, all right." Dildo climbed out of the Batmobile. "So what do we do?"
"Kick down the door, take down the criminals, and save Boobsicle Girl, of course."
"Uh huh." Dildo considered it. "You deal with Boobsicle Girl. I'll take care of the criminals."
The heroes ran to Boobsicle Girl's apartment door. Batman knocked, but received no answer. "Stand back, Boytoy Wonder," he ordered. "I'll have to break it down."
Kapow! He slammed his shoulder against the door. Fortunately, in this part of the city construction was flimsy. It only took a few hard thrusts of Batman's shoulder before the door burst open.
The Stroker stood on the other side with four armed thugs. "Welcome, Caped Crusader," he hissed. "We've been expecting you. You're too late to save Boobsicle Girl, but we have special plans for you. Boys, take them to the bedroom!"
Two thugs grabbed each of the heros and dragged them toward the bedroom. Dildo struggled. "Batman, aren't we going to fight them?"
"Not yet, Boytoy Wonder. We want to see what's happened to Boobsicle Girl."
The bedroom door was open, but a curtain hid the bed. An ugly, stooped man stood at the foot of the bed. "Batman," he said. "It's an honor to meet you. I'm StrapOn, the mastermind of this plot."
"I'm the mastermind!" The Stroker snapped from behind the Dynamic Duo. "You promised!"
"All right, all right," StrapOn said. "Don't get your panties in a bunch. Batman, take a good look at your crimefighting colleague. I doubt she'll be interested in helping you or her precious Commissioner anytime soon."
The thugs released Batman and Dildo, and one pulled back the curtain, revealing Boobsicle Girl, naked as the day she was born, with a large strap-on protruding from her pussy. "No more men," she chanted in a monotone. "Only toys. No more men. Only toys."
"You villains!" Batman exclaimed. "What have you done to her?"
