I wrote this because I am a huge MSW fan and have always adored the character of Dr Hazlitt!
Dr. Seth Hazlitt was not having a good day. It seemed like everything that could go wrong was going wrong, gosh, dang it to heck. First he'd burned the apple pie which he'd baked especially for Jessica...actually, cremated would be a better word. Several of his patients had been difficult. Then his car had developed a flat tyre.
As Seth trudged wearily down the main street of Cabot Cove, he couldn't help but notice the springtime air that surrounded him. The daffodils were in bloom, the birds were singing their joyous songs, and yet he couldn't shake the feeling of unease that seemed to cling to him like a second skin. He was more exhausted than he'd ever been in his life. And now, as he made his way home, he couldn't help but feel a nagging ache in his groin that seemed entirely inappropriate under the circumstances. He was desperate to get to the privacy of his bedroom and jerk himself off.
One of his patients had been Hank Larson, a miserable man who didn't endear himself to the town's residents. Hank and his much-younger wife Bonnie, had only moved here two years ago. Bonnie was a trophy wife; blonde, pretty and cheerful - at least outwardly. Marriage to Hank must've been hell for her, given that Seth knew now that he was impotent.
Just as he was about to turn the corner to his house, he heard a familiar voice call out to him. "Seth!" It was Jessica Fletcher, his neighbour and the town's resident mystery writer. She was known for her inquisitive nature and her knack for solving even the most baffling of crimes. "Could I have a word with you?" she asked, her eyes twinkling with concern.
"Why sure, Jessica, what's troubling you?" he replied, composing himself. Damn, she looked more radiant than usual, clad in a crisp white blouse and navy blue skirt, hair neatly coiffured. Seth couldn't remember when exactly he'd started developing serious feelings for the smart, sixty-something widow, but it had been some years now, and before his old rival Amos Tupper had retired and left the area. Despite the doctor's continued attempts, Jessica always kept him at arm's length. Her beloved Frank had been dead for so long now, and it frustrated Seth to think that she'd only ever see him as a friend.
"I think I should be asking you that question," Jessica said. "You've been acting like a bear with a sore head all day. Hard day at the office?"
What a poor choice of words! Seth took a deep breath, feeling his cock twitch again. These inappropriate erections of his were happening more frequently than ever. Acting quick, he moved the jacket he was holding in front of his crotch.
"Er, a little bit stressful, but nothing I can't handle!" He said, laughing off her concern. "Lousy car's got a flat. Anyways, what can I do for you?"
Jessica gave him a little grin, which intrigued him. "Seth, as you know, I've been working on my latest book, The Black Rose. It's a departure from my usual genre. I need your help with a scene..."
"Oh, you're writing a medical-themed tale are you?"
"Well...not exactly. But the scene in question...let's just say it's..."
The conversation was interrupted by Mort Metzger, the town sheriff.
"Glad I found you, Seth. Been trying to ring you for ages. Oh hi there, Jessica. Listen, got some sad news. Old Larry's dead. His neighbours heard his dog barking all morning and went to investigate. Found him dead on his bed."
"Oh no, poor Larry! He was such a sweet old guy," Jessica said. "I only spoke to him last week."
"Yeah, he was eighty-five wasn't he? In good shape for a senior. Heart attack I expect." Seth replied.
Mort looked embarrassed. "Erm...well I think you need to confirm that. There's no suspicious circumstances, but..." he paused and looked at Jessica, and she took this as her cue to leave.
"Call round later, Seth. Around seven."
He nodded. "Will do."
Over at Old Larry's place, his loyal Boxer dog Buddy, was barking like crazy.
"Hey, get that mutt out of here!" Mort shouted to the deputy. Seth followed the sheriff into the house as Buddy was leashed and led outside.
"Poor Larry. He loved that dog." The doctor remarked.
The dead man was face down on his bed, completely naked. The bedsheets were soaked with blood, but what made Seth's eyes widen was the massive black dildo at the side of the body. It was the length of a man's arm.
"What the hell?"
"My reaction entirely," Mort said. "Old Larry had a secret life."
Seth examined Larry's body. "Looks to have been dead about four or five hours. It looks like that...thing he shoved up his butt perforated his colon and he went into shock, then cardiac arrest."
"Horrid way to die," Mort remarked. "Why?"
"Obviously he shoved the damn thing too far up. I've seen this before. You'd be surprised at the things men shove up their asses, Sheriff. I was out of town once and we had a guy brought into the hospital who'd got a baseball bat stuck up there. First time I've seen this sort of thing in Cabot Cove though."
Mort looked uncomfortable. "What goes on behind closed doors and all, eh?"
All this sexual deviancy in this small town and I suffer from the worst sex problem of all. I can't get laid! Seth thought.
Later
"What a day," Seth remarked, as he reclined in an armchair at Jessica's place with a brandy. "I mean, it was over twelve inches! Old Larry died of heart failure, caused by accidentally-inflicted trauma to his colon. Hell of a way to go. I comfort myself with the fact that the old boy died doing...something he enjoyed. At least he wasn't murdered. There's been enough damn murder in this town to rival Los Angeles."
Jessica listened calmly. "I expect he ordered the dildo from a mail-order catalogue."
Seth almost spat out his brandy. "The what?"
"Dildo. That's what those kind of sex toys are called. They're unisex, but vibrators tend to be exclusively for women."
Seth blinked, feeling a blush flooding his cheeks. He wasn't sure what shocked him more, the fact that an octogenerian had been using sex toys, or that Jessica seemed clued-up on sex toys.
"Forgive me, Seth. I thought you may have heard of such things during your line of work."
"Uh no, can't say I have. Seen cases where folk have shoved foreign objects up their butts, but er..." He scratched his face in embarrassment and shifted in the chair. "Guess I've led a pretty sheltered life."
"Nothing wrong with that," she reassured him. Jessica was privy to a lot more than the good doctor would ever know. She'd overheard Sheriff Metzger's deputy Andy, talking to Bonnie Larson in the hardware store. She'd suspected the two of them had been having an affair for some time. Metzger himself had certain fetishes. The parking lot near the Lighthouse Motel was a known dogging hotspot, and he'd been seen lurking about there several times. Just upholding the law of course and checking that no illegal activity was occurring.
"A-anyways, Jessica," Seth quickly changed the subject. "Tell me more about this new book of yours. After all, you invited me round here so I could advise you...yes?"
Jessica put down her coffee. "As I said earlier, The Black Rose is a departure from my usual genre. It's an erotic novel."
