i need you to go get my shit from Steve's house
leave it in your house and I will get it tomorrow
This pair of texts from Carrie, arriving to John's phone on an otherwise uneventful Thursday night came as a bit of a puzzle to John. He responded:
I will be at work tomorrow. Is there any reason you need me to do this tonight?
Why did you have Linda come get it from me?
It was quite perplexing. Carrie had tried and failed to get her stuff from his house multiple times. Why on earth did she want him to move the stuff back to his house after finally having succeeded in moving it to her temporary residence with her friends Linda and Steve?
i know. i dont want to see you shithead
i want my stuff back
This was confusing, even for Carrie, whom he had long ago given up on trying to fully understand. He decided to just call her instead.
"What?" she answered angrily.
"Um, nice to hear from you," he said. "What do you want me to go over to Steve's for? Where are you?"
"Asshole," she said. "Look, just go get my shit. If you have to know, Steve kicked us both out of his house. I need my shit. I'm living in a fucking shithole motel because of you and your stupid fucking cock so you are going to go get my shit for me. Steve's pissed and I'm not going back over there."
"Uh, what?"
"Look, you stupid shithead. I know you fucked Linda. That dumb fucking cunt got herself kicked out of Steve's house because you can't keep your dick out of anything with a pulse and so now I'm kicked out, too, of course. He's fucking pissed. He punched a fucking hole in the wall and I got the fuck out of there as fast as I could. I'm not going back over there."
"Oh my god, I..." John began
"I don't want to fucking hear it, asshole. I don't give a fuck if you're sorry or whatever other dumb shit you're going to say. You are the only person I know who I can send to get my shit who Steve probably won't kill because you're a guy and if he does beat the shit out of you, good, you fucking deserve it. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?"
John was still formulating an answer when she started talking again.
"Don't! Don't fucking answer that. Just go get my shit and leave it on your porch before you go to work tomorrow. I will come get it and then you can fuck off forever."
"Alright," he said when he judged that she had finished. "I will go over there tonight and get your stuff. Is it just that box of stuff that you left here?"
"No," she said. "It's all my stuff, all my clothes, everything. It's all there because I bolted. That guy, he's a fucking maniac. You should not have fucking touched her, you stupid fucking asshole. He's always been a piece of shit and she's always been a dumb fucking slut, fucking guys behind his back but she went too fucking far this time, I guess. He fucking snapped, like I said, just punched a whole through the fucking drywall."
"Are you alright?" he asked
"No, fuckhead, do you think I'm alright? I'm fucking homeless and all my worldly fucking possessions are trapped at that psycho's house. And the only person I trust
at all
to go get it is you, the stupid dickhead who got me into this situation in the first place by fucking SLEEPING WITH MY BEST FRIEND." She punctuated the sentence by slamming the phone against something hard three times.
"Alright, I will go get your stuff. And if there's anything else I can do to help you out..." he said, switching ears and rubbing the one he felt she had surely just damaged permanently.
"Ok." She took an audible breath, then continued, "And John?"
"Yeah?"
"Fuck you."
...
It was somewhere on the drive between his own house and Steve's, the address of which Carrie had helpfully texted him, along with another
fuck you
, that John began wishing he had more male friends. Really any male friends. He found himself trying to remember the last time he had hung out with a guy whom he hadn't been fucking and failing to dredge up the memory. Now with Liam gone, he didn't really even have that, as much as he would have been hesitant to ask Liam along on such a trip. The kid would have come along with no concern for his own safety, no doubt, but he couldn't help now, being in another state.
So John was just sitting there, visions of getting stabbed or having his head bashed in with a baseball bat running through his mind as he drove across the city with the sun going down.
I'm a fucking idiot,
he thought
Carrie's right, of course. Just can't keep my dick under control and now I'm probably going to get my teeth punched in, and that's assuming this guy doesn't have a gun.
His phone helpfully announced that he was arriving at his destination, although this ended up being unnecessary. He recognized among the heap of boxes and piled clothes on the front lawn some of Carrie's stuff. Much of it he did not recognize but took to be Linda's. He pulled up, sat in the running car for a minute, and decided it was best to leave the car running just in case he really did need to make a quick escape.
Could I not just call the cops or something?
It hardly seemed the type of thing that they would bother with.
Whatever, if I die tonight I guess it will be some kind of cosmic justice or something. Maybe they'll write a folk song about me.
He stepped out of the car. Before he'd even reached the pile of boxes, Steve had appeared, half dressed and with a bottle of some kind of alcohol in one hand.
At least it's not a bat,
he thought. John raised his hands. "Just here for the stuff," John said, looking around to see if there were any potential witnesses. He noticed an older couple sitting on their porch, who fortunately seemed to notice when he followed this up with "I don't want any trouble" loud enough for them and hopefully anyone else around the neighborhood.
Steve seemed to understand despite his state. "Fine," he said after a slight pause, "Fuckin' take all that fuckin' chinky shit. And take all that whore's shit, too." He spat on the lawn, took a drink, and added. "It makes the whole place smell like a fucking whore house."
"Fair enough," John said, considering adding a
Cool racism, bro,
but deciding against it. He slowly moved to pick up a box, keeping his eyes on Steve the whole time. Having gotten a hold of it, he backed up to his car, and cautiously popped the trunk, then shoved the box inside. Steve had not moved, though his eyes were pure hatred. He continued not moving for the next few minutes as John filled his trunk and then the back seat of his car with boxes, forcing them in as best he could while keeping an eye on Steve.
Finally John had finished his task. He went to open the driver's side door when Steve lurched at him. He steeled himself for a bottle to the face that didn't come. Steve was now inches from John's face. The smell of cheap rum was overpowering.
"You know what?" Steve said.
"No, what?" John said, barely able to keep the fear out of his voice.
"Of all the fucking shithead fucks she could have fucked, I'm glad it was you," Steve slurred.
John bit his tongue to prevent replying "Me too."