I pushed Melissa's door open and froze in shock at what I saw. We'd been burgled. The fuckers had ransacked the place - furniture was overturned, clothes were thrown everywhere, one of the curtains lay in a crumpled heap on the floor. I saw Melissa's arm hanging out of her bed and I rushed into her room to see if she was hurt.
I pulled Melissa's covers back and found her curled up on her side. She looked unharmed. She looked fine actually, she appeared to be fast asleep. The smell of stale vodka was coming off her and I noticed an empty pizza box on the floor by her bed. I started to calm down and I remembered the rest of the house was untouched. I realised that Melissa had done this herself.
Melissa stirred. She rolled over and looked up at me through blurry eyes. She moaned, then pulled the bedclothes back over herself.
"Good night last night?" I said. "Typical office Christmas party?"
Melissa groaned.
"Poor thing. You want me to make you some coffee and a bacon sandwich?"
She made a noise that I took to be a yes.
I retreated to the kitchen.
When I returned Melissa had managed to sit up in bed. She was looking around herself at the mess she'd made with wide eyes. She looked like she'd just survived a natural disaster. I sat next to her and handed her a mug of steaming coffee.
"You're a saint," she croaked. She shook her head carefully. "I feel fucking awful, I think I'm still drunk. And god knows what I did last night when I got home, look at the state of this place, what was I trying to do?"
I shrugged. "If you feel half as bad as you look you must be really suffering."
"Ha bloody ha." A bit of colour came back into her face.
"Here, this should help," I handed her the bacon sandwich. "Get that down you, then after a long shower you'll feel human again, which would be good, as you promised to help me with my Christmas shopping today, remember?"
"No, please noooo." Melissa looked at me in horror. "Not today, please not today, anything but that. Don't make me go outside, I shouldn't even get out of bed today."
I shook my head at her and gave her an exasperated look. I was annoyed at Melissa, this was all her own doing, she had no one else to blame, and she'd made me a promise. She'd be more of a hindrance than a help in this state though, and if I let her off at least I'd have a credit in the favour bank. "Fine, tomorrow then. I'll leave you to fester in bed today."
I got up to leave her room, but then I noticed something, a crumpled mess on the floor next to the pizza box, the Christmas calendar I'd bought her as a gift. I reached down and plucked it up. It looked like it had been attacked by a pack of angry rodents. "What did you do to this?"
Melissa look at what I was holding and groaned again. "Did I eat all of them?"
I examined the remains of the calendar. Today was the 8th, but it looked like only ten or twelve doors were open. "No, I think you only had a few." But as I turned the calendar around in my hands I saw she'd ripped the back off it. "Oh no, hang on. It looks like opening the doors was too slow for you, I think you tore the back off so you could get at the chocolates faster. Yep, it's empty. Wow, you must have been really desperate."
Melissa covered her face with her hands. "Oh god, I'm awful. I don't even remember doing it."
And then I noticed something else, something that had been lying under the shredded mess of the calendar; her pink, plastic vibrator. I dropped the calendar and picked it up. "Looks like chocolate wasn't the only thing you were desperate for."
Melissa peaked out from behind her hands. She saw what I was holding, then she snapped them shut over her face again. "Oh god, I'm worse than awful, I'm a fucking animal."
I laughed. "This is so bad I'm almost impressed. I wonder what order you did it in, pizza first, then chocolate and a wank? Or was the wank the more pressing need, and the food came after?"
"Fuck off," she said. She dropped her hands from her face and saw the grin on mine. "You're enjoying this aren't you?"
"A bit," I agreed.
"I used to do this as a kid," she said in a weary voice. "With less alcohol and masturbation, but when I was young I used to creep downstairs at night and eat all the chocolate from my advent calendar. My sister's too usually. Mum was always furious, and my sister would cry her eyes out, but then I'd go and do it again next year, I couldn't stop myself." She shook her head at her own dreadful behaviour. "Mum would punish me, but I never learnt."
"That, Melissa Jane Stone, is absolutely disgraceful," I said. "We can't let this continue."
She shrugged and held up her hands. "There's nothing you can do, I'm a monster, I can't be changed."
"We'll see about that young lady. I'm going to have to pick up where your mother left off."
Melissa's eyes widened. "Oh really." The tone of her voice changed. "And what are you going to do about it?"
"I'm glad you asked." I stepped closer to her bed and stood over her. "I'm going to civilise you Melissa, I'm going to tame the beast."
She grinned up at me. "You haven't got it in you."
"We'll see," I said. And then I lunged at her.
Melissa shrieked and put her hands up instinctively to protect herself, but I took advantage of her reaction and grabbed hold of her wrists.
Melissa struggled, but she was petite and not very strong, and I sat down onto her bed and pulled her towards me. She tried to resist, she tried to wrestle out of my grip, but I managed to drag her across my lap without much effort.
Melissa lay on her front and wriggled and kicked her legs, she swore at me and demanded to be let go. I ignored her. I held her in place with a hand on her back and started to taunt her. "Oh do stop fighting Melissa, you're making such a scene, and the more you struggle the worse it'll be." I said it in the most condescending tone I could manage.
"Get the fuck off me you bastard," Melissa shrieked. She gave it everything, she squirmed and kicked and wriggled but I pressed her down with that hand on her back and she couldn't get free.
