Wounded Souls

It's scary to put yourself out there. It feels like such a risk. There was one time that it was not, that being the first I said 'I love you'. It was said with such hope, such desire and such wanting. It was met with a complete and emphatic no, a complete destruction of the idea it would ever be reciprocated. Not only did she say no, she mocked me to seemingly every girl in the school. High school being high school it spread to all of my friends. I became a running joke in school. I was humiliated and vowed to never say those words again.

Thirty years later, I had kept that promise to myself. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic about this but while most people get over their first heartbreak I never did. Heartbreak I could deal with. It was recoverable from but the humiliation I felt and that was thrown back in my face for the rest of my high school years I didn't recover from. It left an indelible reaction. Since then I've known accomplishment in my field and I've developed good friendships with men and women, I've dated many women, taking a select number to my bed for one night or many such nights.

Through it all, I've never repeated those words to any of them. Those that loved me were warned it was not to be reciprocated. I said it in a nice way, unlike how it had been said to me. I never looked upon it as a flaw, instead it was seen as strength, of the courage to be honest with myself and others. I had never settled for less than what I felt I deserved, the reincarnation of that first love of mine. I wanted that complete feeling, knowing the risk I was taking by doing so. I've waited over thirty years.

I met a woman through my work. She was in sales in my field and cold called me after getting my name from one of my associates. She invited me to lunch. Who was I to turn down a free lunch? Amanda was a pleasing looking woman. She certainly wasn't a classic beauty. She knew that and was envious of those who could use sex appeal to get a sale. She sold with her mind and intellect instead. We met at the appointed place at the appointed time. After ordering, she told me a little about herself.

"Save your sales spiel for when we have finished lunch and begin enjoying some coffee. Tell me more about yourself."

"I've been drawn to science my whole life. I find what we are working toward to be fascinating. I hope one day to leave sales for an administrative position. There's a glass ceiling for those who take those positions just out of college. It can only be sidestepped by moving from sales. My recruiter had been in sales and told me my choices. Take the position now and never rise beyond a certain level or work my ass off in sales and be promoted beyond that ceiling. So here I am, working my ass off and taking you to lunch."

I laughed at the sheer honesty of her words. I told her a little about myself, where I had went to college and the Masters degree I had earned, my taking a job with this company and being promoted to a higher level position in time.

"So I've found the decision maker for my product on the first try. It makes the lunch totally worthwhile."

She smiled and I found it to be a nice smile, easy to watch and hope to see again. Lunch arrived and we settled into eating and light conversation. Over coffee, she told me her pitch. I had to say it was compelling. It could meet a need of ours further down the development curve we were on. I told her that and got that smile again.

"I'll need references to current customers, preferably a generic list and not one hand picked for their guaranteed approval. I'd like to talk to one where it didn't meet their need, just so I can see that side as well."

"Of course. Knowing that would be a requirement for further discussion, I prepared such a list." She reached in her bag and handed me an envelope.

I opened it and found three lists: full acceptance and orders; fair acceptance, those who found a use but found other products more compelling; and rejection, with contact names and numbers for each. I was impressed. She was indeed working her ass off though I had noticed the curve of her ass as she came in to meet me. Enough ass had been left in place to make an impression. I told her my next step was conversation with members of each list.

"Can I call you in two weeks, to see how you're doing?"

"Yes, that would be good. You are prepared and you are honest to a fault, both of which I value. It gives you a positive spin on your product. You've done well."

I walked her to her car and said goodbye. In my car, I made a note on my phone, a reminder to call the lists and gather information toward making a decision.

Two weeks passed in the blink of an eye and exactly two weeks to the day she called me.

"Hey, Amanda. How are you? I should have known you would call right on time."

"A girl's gotta work, you know?"

I laughed at that. It was an easy conversation, brought on by the positive news I had heard from previous users. "Even those who didn't use it had good things to say about it and about you. It's much the same for me, you've been consistent and put yourself out there in a very positive way."

"This product doesn't sell itself but it's a fairly easy sale to those in this specific business. Come to dinner with me and we can talk more."

"I'd love to. When and where?" We set a date for the following week. That night, I was already at our table when she came in. She had definitely dressed up for this. I was surprised and impressed. She, likewise, was impressed I rose and helped her with her chair.

"I haven't seen that in a while, thank you." She looked at me and said, "guys have it so easy. A few dark suits, shirts and ties and you're ready for anything other than opera galas when black tie is required." She smiled as she said it.

I laughed, taking in her smile. I found I really liked her smile. "I couldn't agree more. But if you knew me better, I'd be in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'd expect you to wear something similar, your hair in a ponytail and 99% less makeup."

Now it was her turn to laugh. We had negotiated menus and ordering. I told her, "same as last time, save the pitch until coffee."

She nodded her agreement. Her dress was a vivid blue which complimented her eyes and hair, ending four inches above her knees. I'd noticed the four inch heels and her shapely legs as she came in. She had definitely gone over and above. After dinner she gave me her uptake and I gave her what I had heard from a variety of perspectives.

"They think your product has uses, for some it's just outside their needs. Yet all of them had positive things to say about you."

"I keep in touch with quite a few if them. A few have moved on to other positions. One moved to a new company where we were able to make the sale due to our relationship."

We moved to the bar and had after dinner drinks. I have a fondness for good bourbon and found she did as well. I ordered my favorite and she ordered the same. "If you like it, then it's worth trying."

"Oh, that's good," was her comment a few minutes later. We talked more about ourselves. I asked her, "ready to put your hair in a ponytail?" She looked at me funny, confused by what I said. "Do you mean right here?"

"Well, I hadn't really thought of that though it might be kind of interesting. I was thinking Saturday afternoon if the weather's good we can take a walk together. Rascal and I prowl the beach and he chases sticks. Want to come along?"

Who's Rascal?"

"My alter ego. We've been together a few years now and I swear he knows what I say and he anticipates my actions. At times it's delightful and others, well, it can be disconcerting.

"I'd love to."

We rode a Lyft to her address in companionable silence and I said goodbye. "Thanks, that was fun. See you Saturday."

On Saturday we met at the beach. She came in jeans and a sweatshirt, her hair in a ponytail and her face scrubbed of makeup.

"I'm impressed. You're a rare woman who can take direction," I told her.

"Oh, I can take direction in many different ways," she said with another smile.

I laughed at that one and I introduced her to Rascal, who was on his best behavior, sitting tall and offering his paw to be shook. I thought she would fall over laughing at that. We walked along, watching him plunge in time and again to fetch a stick I threw in the water. "I just don't know how he does it. I'd need a wet suit to do that," I told her.

"It's that double fur. It's a layer of insulation."

"A dog person as well as a sales rep? A rare combination, I'm sure."

She told me she had been married but he couldn't abide her travel. "He wanted me home. It didn't come up in courtship but after my second trip of our married life he told me it was a problem. We had unhappy times until he told me he had found another and was leaving me. I've never wanted to be married since then."

"I've never married. It seems I'm waiting on the one love of my life. I don't want to settle for less. Companionship isn't enough."

"I'm sure you don't lack for companionship," she said with that smile again.

Rascal decided to forgo the stick and took to chasing shore birds, galloping too and fro in pursuit. He got that easy laugh again from her.

"With your personality, I'm sure you don't lack as well," I told her.

"My travel gets in the way. I have many offers when I'm on the road, most of which I say no to with a smile. Some get a yes though only a few. The one night culture doesn't do anything for me. At home, it's difficult to sustain. I'm either gone or recovering from multiple time zone displacement. It just wrecks me sometimes. I tried to maintain the same time as we have here but that was difficult to impossible. Those nightly dinners were just too late, making the next morning so painful."

"Well, thanks for making the effort today." I was interrupted by Rascal bringing me another stick to throw, dropping it at my feet and barking as he looked up expectantly. I untangled it from the attached seaweed and threw it. He galloped away and dove in again, starting the cycle all over.

"He's someone special," Amanda told me.

We walked along as the tide drifted out, exposing wet sand. When it was time to go, I said, "follow me to my place. I've got more of that bourbon there. I'm not ready for this day to end just yet."

"I'd love to." She followed me in her car as Rascal stuck his head out the window and barked at those we passed. At home, she wandered around looking at this and that as I retrieved the bottle and two glasses. I also took the time to put together a fruit and cheese plate and brought it all on a platter to the table between the two chairs there in the room.

"Cheers," I said as we sipped.

"Ooh, I could get used to this flavor. You've added a new favorite to my list. It goes down so smoothly."

We sipped and ate, satisfying our appetites. Rascal, finally dry, came and sat by her, as if he approved of her. "Someone likes you," I told her as she reached over and petted him.

She smiled and laughed yet again. "I guess one out of two isn't bad," she said, looking me in the eye.

"I like you, too," I told her. "This is very comfortable. I really like you in fact, you're interesting, intelligent, accomplished and you've got drive. I see a bright future for you." We talked on as night fell, where somewhere we crossed an invisible line, a moment of decision. She stayed and we had pizza and beer for dinner while we watched a chick flick on a streaming service. We laughed at the funny parts and I made raspberries at the love scenes as she oohed and ahhed. When it was over, it was easy to say, "stay with me."

She looked at me and said, "I'd like that a lot."

I helped her up and hugged her, then kissed her for the first time. It was a soft kiss, just exploring her lips. We kissed some more and then I took her hand and led her to the bedroom. We took turns undressing the other and moved to the bed. We kissed and touched, exploring each other with kisses, stroking hands and assorted licks. I eventually settled between her thighs and kissed my way up to her pussy. It was bare and the moisture from her arousal was visible. I kissed, touched and licked my way around such a beautiful place, using two fingers inside her to find that one special spot. I knew I had reached it when she gasped and cried out. I slowly, lightly, licked her clit as I explored her. I could feel her arousal build and build. I took my time, we had all night as far as I was concerned. We could sleep in on Sunday. She reached a thunderous orgasm, lying limply on the bed. I held her until she moved, turning to face me.

"Thank you. That was wonderful. I am forever grateful to all who passed before me, who imparted such technique." She smiled at me and cuddled up, my arm over her, holding her. "Can we just hold each other for a while?"

"There's nothing more I'd like, other than watching you come again. That was special."

We lay there, talking gently until I felt her drift away into sleep. I got up, turned off lights, did my end of day routine and rejoined her in bed. I covered us well and pulled her close. Sleep came easily.

Rascal jumped on the bed the next morning, reminding me of our morning routine. I let him out and started coffee. When he had finished his business, I fed him and checked his water dish. Satisfied all was well, I took a cup of coffee into the bedroom and placed it beside me as I got back into bed, though now I was sitting up. Rascal jumped on the bed again but on the other side and settled in next to Amanda, giving his approval of my good taste in women. I sipped my coffee and reflected on the last day. Walking with her had been fun. When the silent decision came for staying and we ordered pizza for delivery we both knew what would happen. Pleasing her had been fun as well. I had thoroughly enjoyed myself. I got a second cup of coffee and settled back in as she stirred, turned and looked at me.

"Good morning. Is there any more of that coffee?"

"How do you take it?"

"Straight."

"One cup of black coffee coming up."

She was sitting up when I returned. She was naked from the waist up, forgoing modesty for comfort. I gave her the cup, reached down and licked her nipple, giving her a jolt.

"Be careful unless you want hot coffee on the back of your head."

She slowly drank her coffee, drained it and handed me the cup, pulled back the covers and sucked me into her mouth. She had learned well, also. I envied those who had gone before, wanting every blowjob she had ever had given to have been with me. She was an artist, painting my cock with her tongue, then swallowing it whole. It was intense and I came quickly.

"Wow. I'm impressed. You are an artist at work."

"Thank you, good sir. I enjoyed it as well. i really like sucking cock. i hope i get the chance to do it again. Now when you fuck me you will last longer!"

And fuck we did, starting with her on top, then on her back and finally on all fours. She took those directions well, just as she said she would. She was intent on pleasing me. I in turn wanted to please her. I came, then reached over and lightly rubbed her clit and very wet pussy until she came as well. We relaxed against each other, both of us smiling at what we had given and received. There was more kissing, then I dragged her into the shower and washed every inch of her. She was so sleek, so rounded and so utterly female. We dressed and took my car to her place, where she changed clothes as I took a tour. I remembered this stage of life -- a step up from college but not living large by any means. Then we went to breakfast and drank still more coffee. I was at max coffee, otherwise I would vibrate off the chair. I took her home and we frolicked some more. She was just fun.

"I've got to go. I don't want to, but I fly early tomorrow and I've got to get prepared. Thank you. This was utterly delightful."

Rascal had moved next to her and she reached down and petted him. He looked up expectantly as he anticipated another outing.

"Sorry to disappoint you, big guy, but I really need to go. Maybe another day."

"Call me. Tell me how you're doing." I kissed her goodbye and watched her drive away.

Rascal looked at me as if I had betrayed him. "We'll go out in a little while," I promised.

We began a slow and steady relationship. I never used the "L" word nor did she. It was an easy thing. She made me laugh, Rascal made her laugh and I enjoyed it all. She did take direction well, assuming whatever position I wanted her in. Short of buying a copy of the Kama Sutra for reference, we tried all the positions I knew. She added a few I didn't know.

Work proceeded. Our research was heading to a prototype stage and Amanda's primary product was expected to help. Otherwise it was more of the same. Amanda and I saw each other more and more frequently on weekends, her life as a sales rep taking her Monday through Friday time and attention.

Over time our relationship deepened. We had enough shared experiences now that I could anticipate from time to time what she would say. She had long begun to finish my sentences or answer my questions before I finished asking them.

Rascal of course adopted her into the pack. We spent a lot of weekend time together other than when the facts of life like washing clothes and shopping for food get in the way. We didn't necessarily have to do anything special. We popped popcorn and watched movies or a series that was streaming. We lazed in bed. Of course, we were out and about as well. Once, we went dancing. I felt old as I looked over the dance floor and saw no one older than me. At times I felt the difference between our ages was too much. Our memories of life were different. I had graduated high school when there weren't mobile phones. The first clunky and expensive models wouldn't come on the market for years. She had lived in an entirely electronic age. Her birthday was coming up soon. She would be 29. I was 48.

Yet I had to be honest and say I cared more for her than anyone in recent memory. It had started out as just fun, then slowly morphed into something different. Would it morph again? I was hearing warning bells in my head. I closely observed her, looking for tells concerning falling into love with me. Yet she seemed even-keeled about it all, just enjoying our time together and the continuing intersection of our lives. I awoke one morning thinking it was time to blow this off, it was getting too close to my hidden feelings. As I showered, leaning my head against the wall as I stood under the water, I said that wasn't true, that we weren't that close to that point. Yet, I cared more for her than anyone in ten or more years. Maura had gotten to me as well but she fell into love, something I could not give her in return. It was painful to tell her so, far more painful than any conversation with someone else.

We took a three day weekend to someplace warm. I directed her to wear very little and she obliged with a tiny swim suit she wore first by the pool and then later at the beach.

"Small enough for you? Or do I lose the top and go Euro style?" At the pool, she decided for me, taking her top off and laying there topless. There were other women similarly dressed, some in even smaller suit bottoms, though that had been difficult to believe possible until I saw them as the women walked around. You get used to the look quickly. In a short time it seemed natural. At the beach she kept the top but leaned up on her elbows with her top untied to show me her breasts dangling, her nipples erect. The sex was great as she teased me unmercifully, leaving me in a constant state of arousal. She was already wet when I stripped her in our room, pushing her onto the bed and fucking her hard. It was great fun. She told me it was her birthday celebration, her last hurrah as a twenties woman.