It's scary to put yourself out there. It feels like such a risk. There was one time that it was not, that being the first I said 'I love you'. It was said with such hope, such desire and such wanting. It was met with a complete and emphatic no, a complete destruction of the idea it would ever be reciprocated. Not only did she say no, she mocked me to seemingly every girl in the school. High school being high school it spread to all of my friends. I became a running joke in school. I was humiliated and vowed to never say those words again.
Thirty years later, I had kept that promise to myself. Maybe I'm being overly dramatic about this but while most people get over their first heartbreak I never did. Heartbreak I could deal with. It was recoverable from but the humiliation I felt and that was thrown back in my face for the rest of my high school years I didn't recover from. It left an indelible reaction. Since then I've known accomplishment in my field and I've developed good friendships with men and women, I've dated many women, taking a select number to my bed for one night or many such nights.
Through it all, I've never repeated those words to any of them. Those that loved me were warned it was not to be reciprocated. I said it in a nice way, unlike how it had been said to me. I never looked upon it as a flaw, instead it was seen as strength, of the courage to be honest with myself and others. I had never settled for less than what I felt I deserved, the reincarnation of that first love of mine. I wanted that complete feeling, knowing the risk I was taking by doing so. I've waited over thirty years.
I met a woman through my work. She was in sales in my field and cold called me after getting my name from one of my associates. She invited me to lunch. Who was I to turn down a free lunch? Amanda was a pleasing looking woman. She certainly wasn't a classic beauty. She knew that and was envious of those who could use sex appeal to get a sale. She sold with her mind and intellect instead. We met at the appointed place at the appointed time. After ordering, she told me a little about herself.
"Save your sales spiel for when we have finished lunch and begin enjoying some coffee. Tell me more about yourself."
"I've been drawn to science my whole life. I find what we are working toward to be fascinating. I hope one day to leave sales for an administrative position. There's a glass ceiling for those who take those positions just out of college. It can only be sidestepped by moving from sales. My recruiter had been in sales and told me my choices. Take the position now and never rise beyond a certain level or work my ass off in sales and be promoted beyond that ceiling. So here I am, working my ass off and taking you to lunch."
I laughed at the sheer honesty of her words. I told her a little about myself, where I had went to college and the Masters degree I had earned, my taking a job with this company and being promoted to a higher level position in time.
"So I've found the decision maker for my product on the first try. It makes the lunch totally worthwhile."
She smiled and I found it to be a nice smile, easy to watch and hope to see again. Lunch arrived and we settled into eating and light conversation. Over coffee, she told me her pitch. I had to say it was compelling. It could meet a need of ours further down the development curve we were on. I told her that and got that smile again.
"I'll need references to current customers, preferably a generic list and not one hand picked for their guaranteed approval. I'd like to talk to one where it didn't meet their need, just so I can see that side as well."
"Of course. Knowing that would be a requirement for further discussion, I prepared such a list." She reached in her bag and handed me an envelope.
I opened it and found three lists: full acceptance and orders; fair acceptance, those who found a use but found other products more compelling; and rejection, with contact names and numbers for each. I was impressed. She was indeed working her ass off though I had noticed the curve of her ass as she came in to meet me. Enough ass had been left in place to make an impression. I told her my next step was conversation with members of each list.
"Can I call you in two weeks, to see how you're doing?"
"Yes, that would be good. You are prepared and you are honest to a fault, both of which I value. It gives you a positive spin on your product. You've done well."
I walked her to her car and said goodbye. In my car, I made a note on my phone, a reminder to call the lists and gather information toward making a decision.
Two weeks passed in the blink of an eye and exactly two weeks to the day she called me.
"Hey, Amanda. How are you? I should have known you would call right on time."
"A girl's gotta work, you know?"
I laughed at that. It was an easy conversation, brought on by the positive news I had heard from previous users. "Even those who didn't use it had good things to say about it and about you. It's much the same for me, you've been consistent and put yourself out there in a very positive way."
"This product doesn't sell itself but it's a fairly easy sale to those in this specific business. Come to dinner with me and we can talk more."
"I'd love to. When and where?" We set a date for the following week. That night, I was already at our table when she came in. She had definitely dressed up for this. I was surprised and impressed. She, likewise, was impressed I rose and helped her with her chair.
"I haven't seen that in a while, thank you." She looked at me and said, "guys have it so easy. A few dark suits, shirts and ties and you're ready for anything other than opera galas when black tie is required." She smiled as she said it.
I laughed, taking in her smile. I found I really liked her smile. "I couldn't agree more. But if you knew me better, I'd be in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'd expect you to wear something similar, your hair in a ponytail and 99% less makeup."
Now it was her turn to laugh. We had negotiated menus and ordering. I told her, "same as last time, save the pitch until coffee."
She nodded her agreement. Her dress was a vivid blue which complimented her eyes and hair, ending four inches above her knees. I'd noticed the four inch heels and her shapely legs as she came in. She had definitely gone over and above. After dinner she gave me her uptake and I gave her what I had heard from a variety of perspectives.
"They think your product has uses, for some it's just outside their needs. Yet all of them had positive things to say about you."
"I keep in touch with quite a few if them. A few have moved on to other positions. One moved to a new company where we were able to make the sale due to our relationship."
