"Where is that man of yours, Sarah? He hasn't been by to see me for a week," Beauchamp asked. A week had passed since Stefan walked in on what appeared to be a passionate kiss between myself and an ex-lover, but was anything but. The fact that he hadn't stopped by or called or should have bothered me more, but I was still so stunned by the rape that nothing felt real anyway.
"I don't know, I haven't heard from him."
"Well, that is most bizarre. You two seemed to be hitting it off so well."
I didn't answer.
"Well. I guess there's nothing else to discuss. Go on home and get some sleep, you look like you need it," Beauchamp said. I could have hugged him with gratitude if I'd had the strength.
Luckily for me the bruises left by Stefan's attack were all hidden beneath my clothes, making avoiding uncomfortable questions much easier. The cold weather allowed for long sleeves and opaque tights, as well as thick scarves. I wasn't covered in bruises... although I felt like I was. I felt terribly vulnerable and alone and had the overwhelming urge to hide somewhere for as long as humanly possible.
Exiting the building was always an ordeal. I was terrified that I'd run into Gonzalo or Stefan on my walk to the train stop. The possibility of running into Gonzalo mortified me for obvious reasons. My skittishness about seeing Stefan was more difficult to explain. He doubtlessly was thinking that I had tossed him aside to reunite with Gonzalo when he walked in on us last week. He probably couldn't bear to see me. Or maybe he was just disgusted by my weakness. Either way, I couldn't blame him. I was weak.
As soon as I reached the safety of the train, I allowed myself to sink into the cold, unforgiving bench. The rumble of the car as it traversed the tracks vibrated my bones and gave me something else to focus on to avoid being overcome by my inner numbness. The music from my iPod filled my head and took place of thoughts, and I was able to zone out for the half-hour ride home.
When the train pulled up to my stop, I dragged myself up out of my seat and down the steps of the train car. The walk up the stairs to my apartment was arduous, my heavy messenger bag hitting the backs of my legs with every step I took. As soon as I got into my apartment, I locked and deadbolted the door, sliding the chain lock into place. One could say I had gotten a little paranoid. When I was satisfied that the door was as locked as it could be, I dropped my bag and made my way deeper into my home. I still couldn't go in the kitchen without a tinge of fear, but I had managed to overcome that when I became hungry enough. I put on some water to boil for tea, and went to the bathroom to take a hot shower.
Stripping my clothes in the bathroom, I looked at myself in the full-length mirror that hung from the bathroom door. My hair looked greasy and hung in strings around my face. My skin was pale and drawn, and the dark circles under my eyes proclaimed my insomnia. Standing naked in front of the mirror, I noticed that my ribs and hipbones were starting to poke out. I really need to eat more... I told myself. However, I knew it wouldn't really happen. The bruises on my hips and chest were starting to turn greenish yellow. I could still see the clear finger-marks.
Turning away from my near Holocaust-victim appearance, I sheltered myself in the warm humidity of the shower stall. I pulled the curtain close, blocking out as much light as I could. I leaned against the cold tile of the wall and slid down slowly until I was seated on the shower floor. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back, allowing the water to bathe me completely. I wrapped my arms around myself and huddled down, feeling the warmth of the water begin to seep through my skin and warm my muscles.
I was just relaxing into a steam-induced haze when I heard the knocking begin at the door. I instinctively froze, but relaxed a second later remembering my deadbolt and chain-lock. Whoever it was would soon be convinced of the apartment's emptiness and leave. However, the knocking continued, growing louder and more persistent. I waited a few more minutes, and still they didn't go away. I slowly pulled myself up and turned off the water, deciding to go and see who it was and persuade them to go the fuck away. I reached for my large robe and tied it securely about my person, making sure it hid my form completely. Pulling my hair back into a sloppy, wet ponytail, I left the bathroom and made my way towards the door.
I undid the deadbolt but left the chain-lock in place so that whoever it was wouldn't be able to push his or her way in. Opening the door a crack, I peeked around to see who it was. And there stood Stefan.
"I knew you were in there," he said. "Will you let me in?"
"How did you know I was here?" I asked, ignoring his second question.
"I saw you go inside the building..."
"Were you following me?" I asked, apprehension beginning to build inside of me. I was slightly reassured by the presence of the door between us, but I didn't feel like it was enough. I began pulling back.
"No! – Well, kind of. Listen to me, Sarah," he put a hand up to stop me from closing the door. "I've been driving myself crazy replaying what I saw last week. I had to come over here and... and talk," he finished rather lamely. He didn't say anything further, but his eyes silently begged entry. Reluctantly, reasoning that I should get this over with sooner rather than later, I undid the chain-lock and opened the door. I turned away immediately to go tend to the howling teakettle, assuming he'd let himself in. I heard the door close and shuddered.
