However, by that time I realized that he noticed Stefan standing by my side, holding my hand.
"And who's this?" Gonzalo asked, looking Stefan up and down rather rudely. Gratefully, Stefan stepped forward and introduced himself.
"I'm Stefan Boussevic," he said, all calm sophistication. I watched as Gonzalo's jaw dropped. He had paid just enough attention during our relationship to know that I had always been deeply impressed by Stefan's brilliant research, and he had been as well. Gonzalo taught linguistics, which was under the larger umbrella of the brain sciences and had found several of Stefan's research papers useful.
The two men exchanged academic pleasantries for a minute or so before Gonzalo excused himself and stalked away the way only a Latino can. While they spoke, my head was filled with a low rushing sound
"Do you want to tell me what that was about?" Stefan asked in a low voice, looking over his shoulder to make sure Gonzalo was out of earshot.
"What?" The low rushing sound had just vacated my mind, leaving me slightly reeling. I was shaking, and Stefan, bless him or curse him, noticed.
"Don't give me that. I'm not blind, Sarah. Who was that man?"
I took a deep breath and reluctantly unraveled the story of lust, seduction and betrayal. It sounded corny, like something straight from the script of a soap opera. Gonzalo and I met at a party my friend was hosting. He was her colleague in the linguistics department and she had wanted to introduce us for a long while, thinking that our research would coincide and he could give me some pointers on my thesis. Needless to say, he drew me in with his intellect, charm, and sexy Spanish accent. Ever the gentleman, he took me out on a couple of dates before we had sex. He would bring me roses, take me out for romantic dinners, decorate my bedroom with rose petals for our anniversaries... what can I say. I fell. And I fell hard.
For about three and a half years of my life, Gonzalo was my galaxy... my universe. He was everywhere, meant everything. He was gravity, and I was the millions of planets and nebulae strewn through his galactic expanse. It was the classic master-slave relationship... except not quite so clear-cut. He would do whatever he wanted, and I could do nothing to stop him if I disagreed. He went to "conferences" and romped with trashy women he found in bars while I stayed home, wondering why he never turned on his phone. This arrangement continued – his reassurances placating my worries – until I walked in one day to find him in the middle of giving his lady friend quite the orgasm.
Now, it's quite an interesting feeling when you discover that the one person holding you together suddenly tosses you against a cliff. I did the only natural thing and went to pieces, emotionally and physically. I stopped coming to school for fear of confronting him. I didn't answer my friends' phone calls. I stopped eating. I disappeared into my own black hole.
All of that occurred a year and a half ago. I was reasonably put back together, with the help of my best friend Jack, and my work, which kept me occupied. However, I still felt a profound blow to my tenuous hold on togetherness whenever I saw him. Today was particularly rough, given the exposed feeling a new relationship evokes. It was thanks to Gonzalo that I ruined every single relationship I had tried to begin, casting shadowy doubt onto their character and refusing to trust them, no matter how they proved themselves in the short time I allowed them to stick around.
When I finished speaking, Stefan remained silent for a long while. We walked side by side and then stood and waited at the train station. I was thankful for the silence, yet worried at the same time. Had I repulsed him somehow? Did I appear weak? Did Stefan need someone stronger, more stable? Doubts plagued me all the way to my apartment.
As we stood on the stoop, I looked expectantly at Stefan. I waited for him to say the final words, breaking off from me for some reason or another. They all gave different reasons, but the outcome was always the same – me, alone. I felt the numbness seeping in, something that I attributed to self-preservation. There were only so many times a person could be torn apart. Tears, despite my efforts to dam them, filled my eyes. Why can't he just get it over with? Let me go upstairs and die slowly. However, he did something that surprised me. He lifted his hand to my face, running his fingers gently along my cheekbone. He wiped away a tear that had escaped. The action moved me deeply and sent shivers playing down my spine. His hand slid gently into my hair and came to rest at the base of my skull. Then, he pulled me forward and placed his mouth on mine. The kiss was disarmingly sweet, so much so that I had to put my hands flat on his chest so that I would not sink to the ground. He did not beg permission to enter with his tongue, he simply molded his mouth to mine, allowing me to feel his solidity and presence. The feel of his warm lips pressed reassuringly, solidly against mine caused a wellspring of emotions to erupt inside of me. Despite the reassuring sweetness of the kiss, I couldn't stop the thought that it was merely a goodbye gesture. As if reading my mind and wishing to dispel the negative thoughts, he snaked his arm around my back and pulled me flush against his body. At the same time, his tongue sneaked out and licked at the seam of my lips. And then he was gone.
I opened my eyes, surprised at the lack of him. His face was still only inches away from mine. The look in his eyes was overwhelmingly sweet.
"You don't have to look so terrified, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon."
All I could do was smile.
