Worth It in the End

We spent the rest of the weekend companionably together. That Saturday evening was spent in bed. After making and drinking tea, we crawled under the covers and didn't leave until the next morning. During that time, we alternated making love and cuddling while talking of various things. It was incredibly sweet. However, it did nothing to make me fall less in love with him. If anything, it made me fall harder.

However, when Monday morning came around, the sweetness was terminated by the strident call of my alarm clock.

"What the..." Stefan murmured against my shoulder. His hand came up over his eyes, rubbing the sleep out.

"Time to get up," I answered, but made no move save to lean back into his warm chest. He tightened his grip around my waist, cupped a breast, and nuzzled into the crook of my neck.

"Skip."

"What?"

He repeated himself.

"I know. I heard you the first time... but, skip what? School?"

"Mmhm," he answered, beginning to rain my neck with a delightful series of kisses and gentle nips.

"I would love to..." the tail end of my sentence trailed off as his lips distracted me.

"But?"

"But I have a meeting with Beauchamp in an hour and a half," I answered, still making no move to extricate myself from my warm sanctuary.

"Oh... you do, do you?" he asked, halting in his assault on my neck and shoulder.

"Mmhm," I answered, pushing back against him, willing him to begin kissing me again. He did, but seemed more distracted. "What is it?"

"Oh, just that if you have a meeting with him that means I have one too... with you."

"Oh. So?"

"Well, I was just pondering the rather unfortunate prospect of being in the same room with you and not being able to touch you."

"What would stop you from touching me?" I asked, reaching around to stroke his thigh. He all but purred in my ear, sliding his hard cock between my legs.

"Because technically we aren't allowed to be doing what we're doing while working together," he answered, sliding his cock against my wet pussy. I made a soft noise and angled my hips to afford him entrance, but he maintained his external position. To my great dismay, he disentangled himself from me, gave me one last searing kiss, and headed into the shower. His parting words were somewhat puzzling. Did he imply that due to our work situation, he considered it a mistake to act on the mutual attraction (dare I say animal magnetism) that influenced us outside of academia? I know that it would be the rational thing to do... my brain told me that being involved with someone you had to be in a professional situation with oftentimes leads to sticky situations... but it pained me to think about forcing a stop to this beautiful thing we had just begun. Things like this are incredibly difficult to come by, and as someone with a rather rough relationship history—not even relationship history, but just man-selection history-- a good thing should be cherished.

I kept mulling until Stefan emerged from the bathroom freshly shaven. He smiled at me warmly, taking in my naked body with visible appreciation. I couldn't help but feel a twinge at the prospect of losing this new wonderful intimacy.

That first day at the office was downright painful. The train ride into the city was fine-- I leaned against Stefan and he played with my hair while we looked out the window at the scenery flashing by. It was romantic and peaceful and I wouldn't have traded that feeling for the world. However, as soon as we stepped onto campus, we had to pretend to be near-strangers. That involved walking half a foot away from one another and treating each other cordially, without the warmth and intimacy we had spent the weekend basking in.

As soon as we got into the draft and research topics it became easier to deal with his presence and its effect on my nerves and certain areas of my anatomy. In the beginning, catching his eye meant shudders and a sudden pooling of warmth and wetness between my legs. His lustful looks when Beauchamp wasn't watching did nothing to help my situation. I wondered vaguely if Beauchamp noticed anything, but I realized that only an inanimate object would be impervious to the sexual tension in the room. Hell, fuck that, the stapler was probably having a rough time of it too. But, as I said, throw neuroscience papers at a couple of scientists, and we will be distracted. That didn't stop Stefan from running a hand up my leg when Beauchamp left the room, though.

When we entered the office, Beauchamp greeted us similarly as he did the last time we met.

"Ah, hello Stefan... hello, Sarah. I trust your respective weekends went well?" we nodded mutely, awkwardly. "Excellent. Hopefully you two will get to know one another better as time moves along. Ah, well, come in come in... we have a lot to accomplish today..." Stefan and I shared twin looks of dread in the face of the session. He was right... it was going to be hell being in the same room with him without being able to touch him.

Each touch, accidental or intentional, sent a line of fire down my spine. I couldn't tell for sure, but I think the touches had the same effect on him. It brought me back to the first time we sat down to a meal together... we carried two separate conversations with our voices and body language. Before our scientific minds took over, it was simply excruciating.

Several hours later, Beauchamp finally broke the silence. "Alright you two, I think that's enough for today. Don't be disheartened, now... five pages is great. I'll see you two on Wednesday."

Needless to say we ran, not walked, away from the prying eyes of campus.

Walked right into Gonzalo, as a matter of fact.

"Sarah?" I heard an astonished male voice say. I looked up into an unfortunately familiar pair of blue eyes, framed by unruly locks of black hair. The skin that surrounded the eyes was a dark olive color, contrasting with the eyes beautifully. That, however, was where the beauty ended. Gonzalo's mouth had always been cruel, a sneer gracing his lips instead of a smile. His body, while finely muscled, was unyielding: cold, and slightly repulsive... like a steel reptile. Granted, these impressions were based off of an incredibly nasty break-up, before which I considered Gonzalo the most beautiful man I had ever seen. I can't help it if every time I look at that handsome face, I see it buried between some other woman's legs. The pains of shock and heartbreak follow close behind, leaving me gasping for breath at the sight of him. I always feel as though I've just received a sound punch to the gut.

"Gonzalo, hi," I said, trying not to turn tail and run.

"How are you?" he asked, sneering down at me. Exchanging niceties with Gonzalo was always the most difficult thing to do. Why can't you just walk past me? Why must you pretend to care?

"Fine," I replied stiffly. After a beat, I forced myself to ask how he was in return.

However, by that time I realized that he noticed Stefan standing by my side, holding my hand.

"And who's this?" Gonzalo asked, looking Stefan up and down rather rudely. Gratefully, Stefan stepped forward and introduced himself.

"I'm Stefan Boussevic," he said, all calm sophistication. I watched as Gonzalo's jaw dropped. He had paid just enough attention during our relationship to know that I had always been deeply impressed by Stefan's brilliant research, and he had been as well. Gonzalo taught linguistics, which was under the larger umbrella of the brain sciences and had found several of Stefan's research papers useful.

The two men exchanged academic pleasantries for a minute or so before Gonzalo excused himself and stalked away the way only a Latino can. While they spoke, my head was filled with a low rushing sound

"Do you want to tell me what that was about?" Stefan asked in a low voice, looking over his shoulder to make sure Gonzalo was out of earshot.

"What?" The low rushing sound had just vacated my mind, leaving me slightly reeling. I was shaking, and Stefan, bless him or curse him, noticed.

"Don't give me that. I'm not blind, Sarah. Who was that man?"

I took a deep breath and reluctantly unraveled the story of lust, seduction and betrayal. It sounded corny, like something straight from the script of a soap opera. Gonzalo and I met at a party my friend was hosting. He was her colleague in the linguistics department and she had wanted to introduce us for a long while, thinking that our research would coincide and he could give me some pointers on my thesis. Needless to say, he drew me in with his intellect, charm, and sexy Spanish accent. Ever the gentleman, he took me out on a couple of dates before we had sex. He would bring me roses, take me out for romantic dinners, decorate my bedroom with rose petals for our anniversaries... what can I say. I fell. And I fell hard.

For about three and a half years of my life, Gonzalo was my galaxy... my universe. He was everywhere, meant everything. He was gravity, and I was the millions of planets and nebulae strewn through his galactic expanse. It was the classic master-slave relationship... except not quite so clear-cut. He would do whatever he wanted, and I could do nothing to stop him if I disagreed. He went to "conferences" and romped with trashy women he found in bars while I stayed home, wondering why he never turned on his phone. This arrangement continued – his reassurances placating my worries – until I walked in one day to find him in the middle of giving his lady friend quite the orgasm.

Now, it's quite an interesting feeling when you discover that the one person holding you together suddenly tosses you against a cliff. I did the only natural thing and went to pieces, emotionally and physically. I stopped coming to school for fear of confronting him. I didn't answer my friends' phone calls. I stopped eating. I disappeared into my own black hole.

All of that occurred a year and a half ago. I was reasonably put back together, with the help of my best friend Jack, and my work, which kept me occupied. However, I still felt a profound blow to my tenuous hold on togetherness whenever I saw him. Today was particularly rough, given the exposed feeling a new relationship evokes. It was thanks to Gonzalo that I ruined every single relationship I had tried to begin, casting shadowy doubt onto their character and refusing to trust them, no matter how they proved themselves in the short time I allowed them to stick around.

When I finished speaking, Stefan remained silent for a long while. We walked side by side and then stood and waited at the train station. I was thankful for the silence, yet worried at the same time. Had I repulsed him somehow? Did I appear weak? Did Stefan need someone stronger, more stable? Doubts plagued me all the way to my apartment.

As we stood on the stoop, I looked expectantly at Stefan. I waited for him to say the final words, breaking off from me for some reason or another. They all gave different reasons, but the outcome was always the same – me, alone. I felt the numbness seeping in, something that I attributed to self-preservation. There were only so many times a person could be torn apart. Tears, despite my efforts to dam them, filled my eyes. Why can't he just get it over with? Let me go upstairs and die slowly. However, he did something that surprised me. He lifted his hand to my face, running his fingers gently along my cheekbone. He wiped away a tear that had escaped. The action moved me deeply and sent shivers playing down my spine. His hand slid gently into my hair and came to rest at the base of my skull. Then, he pulled me forward and placed his mouth on mine. The kiss was disarmingly sweet, so much so that I had to put my hands flat on his chest so that I would not sink to the ground. He did not beg permission to enter with his tongue, he simply molded his mouth to mine, allowing me to feel his solidity and presence. The feel of his warm lips pressed reassuringly, solidly against mine caused a wellspring of emotions to erupt inside of me. Despite the reassuring sweetness of the kiss, I couldn't stop the thought that it was merely a goodbye gesture. As if reading my mind and wishing to dispel the negative thoughts, he snaked his arm around my back and pulled me flush against his body. At the same time, his tongue sneaked out and licked at the seam of my lips. And then he was gone.

I opened my eyes, surprised at the lack of him. His face was still only inches away from mine. The look in his eyes was overwhelmingly sweet.

"You don't have to look so terrified, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon."

All I could do was smile.