Willing Time

Thank you to everyone who has been so kind to me on the Karen Series. I also apologize sincerely for taking forever and a day to post something new. I am working on getting better about that. I appreciate your support and time.

All rights reserved.

Always,

Ms. Angel Sand

*********

If I did my best to describe the past seven days, I would use adjectives like- incredible, amazing, and wonderful. One description I can't use is- Ultimately Fulfilled. Don't get me wrong, Jamie has been great. He hasn't left my house since last Saturday. Every day he grows more attentive than the day before. I can tell he is putting all of his effort into making me believe this is what he really wants despite all of the unorthodox circumstances.

Every day he met me at my house after work with groceries or take out. When I talked to him about work he remained engaged in the conversation without turning it into a conversation about himself. I really enjoy that part of him. And you know what? He is a work-aholic. Even though he works 12 to 18 hours daily he saves energy for me. Yeah, it has only been a week, but it all still felt so good. It was starting to feel right. Who would want to deny daily baths, neck massages and oral stimulation beyond compare? Definitely not me; but it still didn't feel complete. He's holding back and I want more. Actually, I want all of him.

This week has reminded me of the spiritual connection we've had since the moment we laid eyes on each other. He was the center of my world and I was the center of his. Then I had to go and blow it all up with my insecurities. That was fine; and I'd made peace with my life without him until he came bouncing back into it. Now I am remembering I never stopped loving him. I have been secretly saving a place in my heart all of these years. Every moment he's unlocking all of my hidden desires and I am trying to hold on as tight as I can to the bliss I currently feel.

The only thing that has me unsure is the fact that he won't have sex with me. The day he came back and we ended up on the kitchen floor must have been a fluke because he hasn't even pointed his dick in my direction all week long. He feasts on my pussy until I think I am going to pass out and settles for cuddling me the entire night. I don't even think I feel his erection. It is the weirdest thing to lay next to a man who says he wants you but doesn't seem to be aroused by you. This is the story of my lack of ultimate fulfillment.

As I sit here in my living room thinking of fulfillment or the lack thereof, I remembered a commitment I didn't fulfill. I never called Ethan. Now that I really take a moment to think of it, I haven't seen him at all this past week. That could be for multiple reasons, but I can't help but think he's avoiding me because he's angry. So, I guess it's now or never.

~Hey Ethan. I know you are probably really annoyed with me, but I first want to apologize. I should have honored my word and called you. I hope you forgive me and we can remain friends. --Loving Me 10:18AM

~Well, the dead has arisen.

--E 10:20AM

Oh, that's cute. Maybe he isn't mad at me.

~LOL, are we cool or is everything I do gonna fail until I do right by you? --Loving Me 10:21AM

~I can't say I wasn't disappointed but since you are putting ideas in my head I do think you need to pay a little penance --E 10:25AM

I don't know what kind of penance he wants, but I know there is a limited list of options for me to accommodate. I needed a moment to think of how to respond.

~I hope lunch on Monday will suffice. --Loving Me 10:35AM

~Lunch today would be better --E 10:35AM

As soon as I read that text, Jamie walked in the room. I shouldn't have felt guilty but I knew I needed to end this texting session quick.

"Good morning beautiful, what are you doing out here?"

"Morning to you. I woke up pretty early and I've just been thinking and looking at text messages."

"Tell your sister they are 3 hours ahead of us. No need to wake you up from your slumber."

"Oh, Juicy hasn't texted me today." Why, why, WHY did I just say that? Please don't ask me who I've been texting, please don't ask me.

"Good, cause I was going to give her a stern talking to about your beauty rest. If she'd let me of course." I had to chuckle at that. We both knew Katherine didn't hold her tongue. He walked over and leaned over the back of the couch and I placed the phone upside down on my lap. "How mad would you be if I took care of some errands and did a little work this afternoon?"

"Are you saying you're going to be gone all day?"

"Oh no, I just have a few errands this morning and I would come back here and work at your kitchen table. Unless, you want to get rid of me. I have been crowding your space all week."

"No, I want you to stay. Run your errands and I will see you when you get back."

"I was hoping you'd say that", He leaned over kissed my nose and went on his way. I let out a sigh of relief because I didn't want to talk to him about Ethan. He didn't seem reasonable when it came to him.

~Sorry Ethan, I can't do anything until Monday. Do you have flexibility for an extended lunch? --Loving Me 11:00AM

~I guess I'll take what I can get. 11:30 Monday? --E 11:01AM

~Done! I'll meet you at the café on the bottom floor of the building. --Loving Me 11:02AM

Good, now with that squared away I can take the time to talk to him about Jamie and that I did like him but we can only continue as friends. Jamie was the man for me and I wasn't going to lose him a second time.

******

Taking advantage of Jamie being out I decided to clean up and do some female body maintenance. It felt good being with Jamie every day, but I didn't feel comfortable doing certain things knowing he could bust in on me at any time. Either way it is worth it.

He finally returned late afternoon burdened with a large briefcase and roller bag. I couldn't help but tease him. "Moving in I take it?"

"Just say the word Honey." Oops, I'm not ready for that yet. He must've seen the fright in my eyes because he followed that statement up pretty quickly. "I am just messing with you. I'm not going to deny that I don't enjoy being with you as much as possible though."

"Is that so?"

"Yes, it is so."

"Good." I was going to say more but decided against it. He just smiled, kissed my forehead and moved past me to settle in. I'm not sure if this was normal or not but the tingle I felt in my core from his innocent kiss was distracting. For someone who enjoyed me so much he surely appeared unaffected by me. I know I needed to ask him what was going on but I was ready to expose myself quite yet. Once I saw him setting up in the kitchen I thought it a good time to let him know of my upcoming calendar.

"Jamie, my parents' 30

th

anniversary party is next month and I'm going to be in Atlanta for five days."

"Oh, that sounds great. What are the exact date?"

"June 6-10, the party is on Saturday the 8

th

."

"Those are good dates for me. Thanks for the heads up."

"You're going to be traveling those dates too?"

"No, what are you talking about? I should be free to go with you." Ok, I wasn't prepared for that. I had no intentions of him coming with me.

"That is sweet JJ, but I don't want you to go through the trouble of rearranging your schedule to come with me."

"Are you saying you don't want me to come?"

"I am saying I don't want you to feel obligated when we are still trying to figure out what this is."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean Karen? I feel very clear on what this is."

"Well I'm not trying to go to quickly. We were separated for almost a decade you know."

"Yes, and still have never felt a connection to anyone as strongly as I do to you right now. You said you were ready to move forward with us Karen. I mean...what the fuck?"

"We are moving forward but this isn't a race. I'm not trying to make any mistakes this time. We are testing the waters right? We aren't a real couple yet." This last statement must have really hit a nerve. He just shook his head and started collecting all of his stuff. "What are you doing Jamie? Don't run away from this conversation. You said you wouldn't walk out on me again."

"Don't you even start Karen. I am not walking out on you but I am not going to invest 100% of my time in a one-sided situation."

"One-sided? One-sided", my voice was starting to raise as I repeated myself, "you think you're putting in all of the effort? I gave you my virginity for god's sake and now you won't even have sex with me anymore"!

"Yes, one-sided Karen", he said in most annoyingly calm voice. "You were so concerned that I only wanted you for your precious virginity so I took it upon myself to sacrifice my own desires and give you the pleasure you needed without taking anything for myself. And you're over here being tentative while I'm giving my all."

Ok, I didn't expect that to be the reason for our lack of sex. But, that doesn't change the fact that it has only been a week. It has only been a week and we are fighting! That has to mean something. My thoughts were interrupted by Jamie's voice, "Do you understand where I'm coming from Honey"?

"I understand." What else was there to say.

"That's it?"

"I don't know what else to say Jamie."

"How about, I want to give my all too, or an explanation on how you came to the conclusion that we were in some sort of trial phase when our discussions said otherwise, or 'I was wrong not to think you'd want to accompany me to my parents' anniversary party when you have known them forever!" I didn't want to start crying and I felt the tears welling up so I just stood there blankly staring at him. That obviously wasn't the right decision. "You know what Karen, for the record, I am not walking out on you. But, I not going to chase you or use my energy trying to prove something you should already recognize. Call me when you are ready to be serious. I'll be waiting."

With that he got all of the crap he'd accumulated over my house for the past week and left me standing with the same pitiful face and wordless mouth. When the door shut, I fell to my knees still not making a sound but freely shedding tears. I crawled on my hands and knees to the door and locked it and collapsed right there. I rolled on my back and just stared at the ceiling. What game was I playing at? It wasn't like I hadn't had any real relationships before. How could I have totally misread him?

What's done is done. I picked myself up off the ground, made a large bowl of cereal and sat down to binge watch Bones on Netflix. I would use this mindless time to soul search and think of how I would approach Jamie tomorrow.

*****

Tomorrow came and went and I never got the guts to call Jamie. I sent him an I miss you text and his response was 'Thanks. Next time text something real'. No knowing how to respond I just ignored it and moved on with my day.

Before I knew it, I had moped away 16 hours and needed to get to bed for work the next day. I'm sure after a long day at work, I'd figure out how to approach things with Jamie.

*****

The first few hours at work have been busy but smooth. I silently thank God for his mercy because I wouldn't be able to handle too much turmoil in my mental state. I take a look at my phone to check my personal messages and get startled by an incoming text vibration.

~We still on for 11:30? -E 11:00am

I totally forgot about the lunch with Ethan after the turn of events with Jamie, but it didn't feel right to stand him up once again.

~Most definitely. See you soon -Loving Me 11:02am

I continue working on the new employee handbook and before I know it it is 11:40. I rush down to the café and arrive by 11:50 and see Ethan sitting at a table on the outside patio. I walk up to him and sigh, "I'm so sorry I am late."

Ethan turns and gives me the most dazzling smile and says, "I am just glad you could make it."

I take my seat saying, "Me too".

Conversation flows easily from there as we continue to talk about almost everything but the elephant in the room...my decision to be with Jamie.

After a short break in conversation I think it is a good time for me to broach the necessary subject. I lean in and place my hand on Ethan's forearm, "I am very sorry for disrespecting you by not keeping my word and calling you as promised. I also am not apologizing for making the decision to give Jamie and myself a chance at making a life together. You are a great man but there is so much history between him and me that I can't let fall to the wayside. I hope you understand."

"I understand. Any man would be out of him mind to let you go without a fight. There are no hard feelings though I do wish it were me in his shoes."

I finally removed my hand from his arm and sat back in my chair. As I looked beyond him, I thought I saw a figure that resembled Jamie's walking into my building. I quickly dismissed that with being obsessed with him at the moment, and went on with my conversation. "Right now, I doubt you would wish to be in his shoes. We've had something of a disagreement and I am uncertain where we are going from here. I don't know what the right decision is to make when it comes to him. It is like he may be out to get me at any moment."

"That's not a good way to feel about someone you're trying to be with Karen."

"I know, I am confused as ever. I know I want to try to make it work with him, but I am not sure I can give him what he wants. At least not in the time frame he wants it."

"Well think long and hard about it and know I am here if you need to talk."

"Thank you Ethan. It is good to know I have a friend to come to for the male perspective." I think I saw Ethan wince at this statement but when all was said and done we shared friendly smiles.

*****

When I stood up to leave I checked my phone and noticed I had two missed text messages from Jamie.

~I have a surprise coming your way. I hope you won't turn it away. -JJ 12:00pm

~We need to talk NOW!!!! -- JJ 12:29pm

After reading the second text, I called immediately but was sent to his voicemail. I was starting to feel very nervous as I rushed to my office. On my way, I bumped into the office admin and she said I had a guest in my office. Lord, please don't let it be the CFO. He had been frequenting my office lately due to a sexual harassment issue with one of his male accountants and the accounts payable clerk. To my surprise, when I opened the door, I was face to face with none other than Jamie Johnson looking as handsome and angry as ever.

I softly closed the door and stammered out, "H..Hi you. What um a pleasant surprise."

"Cut the shit Karen. I saw you downstairs eye fucking that bitch ass from the other night."

"Excuse me? Is it really necessary for you to talk to me like that?"

"Yes, when I came here to apologize for putting too much pressure on you when the real issue is you have feelings for another man."

"I don't have feelings for any other man. Ethan is a nice guy and he deserved an explanation not radio silence after what happened last week."

"And you had to tell him that while rubbing him down and ignoring my text messages...again."

"Jamie, I am at work and I cannot continue to argue with you through these paper-thin walls."

"Then let's continue talking and not let it escalate to an argument."

"Are you capable?"

"Am I a lawyer?"

"Whatever Jamie, you are getting jealous over nothing. We had lunch and I let him know that I was working on a relationship with you and he and I were just friends."

"So are we?"

"Are we what?"

"In a relationship", he said with air quotations.

"I want us to be."

"Now or after you've finished testing the waters. Are you hot or cold, in or out Karen? There is no in between."

"I am so scared Jamie. You are too good to be true, you know forgiving me and not being out for revenge and all."

He laughed heartily at that. "Honey, I already told you, I have nothing to hold against you. You were young. We were young. I want you and I want to really try. Those are my cards. What do you want?"

"I want you. I want no inhibitions. I want us."

"I'm sorry. I don't believe you." I know the shock what written all over my face and I began to panic on the inside. "But I will believe you if you are willing to take my challenge and prove it to me tonight."

I was overpowered by relief and could barely whisper, "Ok".

REGARDS"Good. I'll be at your house to pick you up at 7."

"Ok."

He stood up straight and set out for the door. I reached for his hand yearning for some kind of physical contact but he evaded my touch. "Not yet Honey. Your on punishment until I say so."

I just blinked and nodded my head. And just like that he was gone.

*****

My door bell was ringing at 6:55 and I was right there to answer it wearing the tightest red bodycon dress I could find at Nordstroms after work. I was waxed, buffed, moisturized and ready to pay for my sins. I opened the door to see the man I loved for so long and was afraid of loving again. He was so handsome and the arousal clearly written on his face made my insides purr.

Jamie cleared his throat and greeted me. "Hello Karen. You look lovely."

"Thank you", I smiled back while stepping out to the porch.

"I thought we'd get something to eat then head back to my place if that's ok with you."

"Sounds like a plan."

We ended up at Harold and Belles which is always a treat. To my surprise, Jamie didn't really pressure me with conversation like I thought he would. It was just a pleasant dinner. I caught him stealing glances at me and it made me tingle all over. I really did want it to work with him.

On the ride back to his place he was so quiet and distant. I assumed he was preparing his mind for the negativity that lay ahead. I couldn't take the suspense anymore so I just asked. "What do you want me to do to prove I want to be with you?"

"I don't really know. I just know that I was so mad seeing you with old boy that I had to make sure you were in my sight all evening. I know it's bad but it is what it is."

"You don't have anything to worry about with him."

"I don't want you seeing him anymore."

"I'm not seeing him anymore." And I wasn't. We were just friends now. I made sure I said that to him. Ethan knows I am working on a relationship with Jamie.

"Thank you for that. I know he still wants you."

"After how I treated him? I doubt it."

"Have you looked at yourself lately. You have a face and body that will make a man forgive almost anything."

I couldn't help but smile at that. "Thank you for the compliment."

"It was a factual statement."

"Well you're the only guy I want kissing this face and touching this body."

"You better stop Honey before you get yourself in trouble."

"Maybe you bring the kind of trouble I want." I placed my hand on his upper thigh and squeezed. At that moment he revved the engine and we were back at his place in no time.

******

After getting back to his place, we spent the next hour playing pros and cons on our relationship. When it really boiled down to it there was only one con, the regret of not trying again. At that moment, I knew I was being afraid of what was right in front me without a valid reason. Fear freezes you. I wanted to be defrosted so I could live again.

Time went on and we lightly caressed each other while listening to music. When my lids started to drift close, I felt Jamie lift me and carry me towards his bed. "Jamie, I can't stay the night. I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't have any clothes."

"You have clothes here."

"I cannot wear this to work!"

"No, Honey you cannot", he chuckled. "I have to confess I stole a couple outfits from your house and brought them here."