Where to Find Love

I wake up next to Ellen. It seems even someone like Ellen sleeps in on a Saturday. I look at the clock and see 09:16. That explains it. I normally sleep longer than this. My eyes move to Ellen again. It's strange how I had once thought her to be rather ugly. I don't know if it is my opinion or her appearance that has changed so much, but now, I can almost think of no prettier girl than her. She is thin and doesn't really have a figure to speak of, but that only adds to her cuteness. But it's not her appearance that makes her beautiful to me. I sit myself up and lean over her so I can take a look at her face. This seems like a good opportunity to surprise her with something. I dress myself in some of my more comfortable clothes and bring a visit to a nearby bakery. I decide buy some Danish pastries and some croissants. She'll enjoy that. When I come home, I can hear movement upstairs. It seems Ellen has just awoken. I put the bag with food on the table and start making some coffee. A moment later, Ellen walks into the kitchen. She doesn't say anything at first but just curiously eyes the bag.

"That smells nice. What did you get?" she asks.

"Well wouldn't you want to know," I say teasingly. Ellen puts her hands on her hips and looks at me while slightly shaking her head. Though her little smile indicates she seems to be enjoying it. "You can have it all on one condition."

"I do it," Ellen says and immediately starts to take food out of the bag. I chuckle because of her eagerness. I take my latté and sit myself down on the kitchen table. "What do you need?" Ellen asks with her mouth full.

"Well, last night I was thinking about what you said yesterday. You know, when you talked about that dating site. I met both Alex and Lukas in a club, so I was thinking, perhaps I should just try to meet guys at another place."

"It's a good idea," Ellen says, again with a full mouth. "At least in my opinion. You really don't lose anything by it."

The both of us enjoy our breakfast. Ellen talks about some guys she met through the site and even some people she is still chatting with. I didn't realize she has such an active social life online. The moment she finishes her meal, she takes her laptop. She asks me for a mail address and a password.

"Can't you just take my name?" I ask when she asks me for a username.

"Already in use," Ellen says after a second. "And adding a number is lame. We should think of something original. What's does your name mean?"

"I don't know," I answer. Ellen starts to type on her laptop.

"It means lady, princess or noblewoman in Hebrew apparently," She says.

"Oh, I wouldn't mind being a princess. But princess Sara is also a stupid name."

"Hm, perhaps who could use the name of some goddess," Ellen ponders. "What do you like?" she asks. "Pick anything."

"Uhm...," I think. "Well, I like partying. And uhm... pineapple? I don't know." I can see Ellen think.

"Ah," Ellen says. The Egyptian goddess Nephthys. She was a festive deity and goddess of beer. You'll be Princess Nephthys." We both start laughing at how fitting it is.

"What will people think when they read that?" I say still laughing. "You know what, let's keep it simple. Just take something like Lady Sara. Easy and simple, like me."

"Very well," Ellen says. "Now, onto the more detailed information. Height, age, children, married status, and sexual preference."

"Well, I think you know all that," I say. "My height is 174 cm in case you don't."

"And sexual preference?" Ellen says and looks up to me. "Straight or bisexual?"

"Well, I've had one little adventure, you know about that, but that doesn't make my bisexual." When Ellen starts clicking, I interrupt her. "Or wait, fill in bisexual. It's like you said, I don't lose anything by it. Who knows who I meet." Ellen giggles. "Have you uh... talked to girls on that site?" I ask a bit shyly.

"I have," Ellen says. "I've even met up with a girl. It didn't turn romantic, although she really seemed to want to try something with me. We still sometimes talk online." Ellen looks up. "Jealous?" She asks with a big smile. I answer her that I'm not, but for some reason it makes me a little uncomfortable. "Alright," Ellen says. "Now a picture."

"Just take one from my Facebook profile," I suggest.

"Very well," Ellen starts clicking some more. "Now all that's left is some work for you. Filling in some personal information and stuff like that."

Ellen makes place and I sit myself behind the laptop. After about 15 minutes I am finished. I'm already getting messages from guys. Most of them just say 'hey' so I decide to wait a bit. It would take me too long if I decided to reply to all of them. I start looking on the site to some random profiles. Most guys I come across are definitely not ugly and I start to wonder what their reasons are for going on a dating site. After a while I notice that 1 of the already 30 messages I received is a girl. "Hey there. I love your make-up in that first picture," she sends. I click on her name and check her profile. She's definitely pretty. And based on her profile very social and easy-going.

'Thank you.'

I send back.

'How's your weekend going?'

she asks. I spend some more minutes making small talk with her until I hear the doorbell. I ignore it, but a minute later, Ellen comes to me.

"Sara," she says seriously. "Alex is here and he asks for you. Shall I send him away or will you see him?"

"No, it's fine," I say sighing. "I'll go see him." I stand up and walk to the front door. "Hey," I say coldly.

"Hi babe, you look beautiful," he says. I give him a forced smile and thank him. "I really want you back babe. I promise you, I have never seen that woman again since that day. I've been waiting for you." I must admit to myself that his words are nice to hear. When he takes a step forward and grabs my hips, I don't react. "We had a good time, didn't we?" I can feel his hands sliding towards my butt. For a moment I consider pushing him away, but I don't. "We had something good." With his hands on my butt, Alex pushes me against him until our bodies touch. He looks down into my eyes and I look back. "Why don't you come to our apartment tonight? Give me a chance to apologize and explain." God, why did this have an effect on me. Why is this so tempting? Alex is tall and muscular. He has a handsome face with a black stubble beard and beautiful tanned skin. Of course, someone like that, doing something like this, is arousing. I can feel him gently squeezing my butt cheeks.

"I suppose I can give you an evening," I say. "But don't expect that everything will be okay between us, or even forgiven, after that."

"Thanks babe, come by at 7. We'll eat some Chinese, drink a glass of wine and talk a bit." Alex gives me a quick kiss on my forehead before I can stop him. He lets go of my and walks away. When I close the door, I feel like I didn't act harsh enough. But it is just an evening. The moment he annoys me too much I'll just walk away. When I walk into the living room, I see Ellen sitting.

"You sure about that?" she asks. It seems she has heard the conversation.

"Not really," I reply. "But at least I think that, after tonight, I'll know what I want with him in the future. A relationship or not." I walk back to the laptop, wanting to continue my conversation with the girl, but I notice she went offline.

***

I stand before the door of the apartment where I and Alex lived together just days ago and knock. I think back to the last time this door opened. I think about the naked bodies of Alex and that girl. Luckily, this time the view is different as Alex opens the door.

"Hey," he says, while gesturing me to enter. He tries to give me a kiss, but I move my head away. "Sorry," he says. "Let's take a seat." I sit down on the couch and wait for Alex to bring a bottle of red wine and two glasses. "I spared no expenses," he says while uncorking the bottle. "It was 40 euros I think. Or something close to it."

"Nice," I reply. Alex pours wine in both our glasses.

"The food should be here in 15 minutes. I hope you don't mind I already ordered it."

"I don't," I say. "You know what I like so it's good." Alex smiles and hands me a glass.

"Let's toast," he says. "On us." We clink our glasses and drink. It's indeed good wine. For a minute or two, neither of us says anything. We just sit in silence, enjoying the wine. We have been together for more than a year, so the silence is not as awkward as it could have been. Still I wish he would say something. Why doesn't he say I look good tonight? That I smell nice or whatever. I decide to break the silence myself.

"Where did you meet her?" I ask.

"Come one Sara. Do we really need to talk about that woman? I assure you, I won't see her again, ever."

"Just answer Alex," I say. I can see him sighing.

"She saw me at the fitness. She walked up to me, gave me some compliments and talked a bit. I told her I had a girlfriend but she didn't seem to be bothered by that fact."

"Aha," I reply. "So, you though, a slut comes offering herself, let me take this chance even though I have a girlfriend I can fuck at home? Alex, we both know you are hot. I've seen you work out and it's difficult to resist. But that doesn't mean you can't reject those girls who come up to you. If you want to do that, fuck them one by one, just tell me honestly, then you get to fuck those sluts without worry and I can move on with my life."

"Sara, listen, that was pure lust. I don't love her like I love you. I don't love that woman at all." I sigh, and give him a questioning look, but I don't react. "So uhm, did you see any guys in the past days?" Alex asks.

"Really? Is that how you see me?" I reply. "When should I have done that? It's been two days Alex."

"Alright, just checking," he says. "Just so you know, if you had, I would forgive you."

"Oh really, how nice," I reply. Alex smiles.

"Done anything interesting these past two days?" he asks.

"Not really," I reply. "I went shopping with Ellen yesterday. I enjoyed that." I decide not to tell anything about that dating profile I made.

"Well, why don't we go shopping?" Alex asks. "Like tomorrow or something. I need to get a haircut anyway and you know that doesn't take long with me."

"Maybe," I say. "We'll see." I take a sip of wine when a silence falls again. I'm just staring at my glass, but I notice Alex is looking at me. "Did you get the Laziji?" I ask.

"Of course, I did," Alex answers. Coincidentally, a second later the bell rings. Alex goes to the front door to get the food and comes up a minute later, holding the bag of Chinese food in his hand. "Let's eat," he says while putting the food on the table. "Hm, smells good."

"Obviously," I say. "And you know it."

"What do you mean?" Alex says. But his smile betrays he knows.

"You know I love Chinese food," I say. Alex laughs.

"You got me," he says. "But you made sure that I'll never forget that fact."

"Yeah, I remember," I say right before taking a mouthful of food.

"The amount you ate the first time we had Chinese. I've never seen a girl eat like that." We both laugh.

"Well, at least I've never thrown up from overeating."

"Oh God," Alex says. "Don't remind me of that right when we're eating."

"Sorry," I say, yet I can't help but smile.

"I told you, it wasn't because I ate too much. There was something really wrong with those Mussels."

"Sure," I say. "But I do remember it wasn't pretty." We continue to eat for a couple of minutes in silence. With the only interruptions of someone mentioning how good the food is.

"So," Alex starts. "You went shopping yesterday. Did you buy anything interesting?"

"Not really. Some clothes for Ellen. Oh, and I bought her a teddy bear." Alex smiles.

"You really like her, don't you?"

"Of course I do," I say. "We've been friends for more than 15 years now."

"Did you ever think about it becoming romantic?"

"Why?" I ask. "Do you have fantasies?" Alex laughs.

"No, just interested."

"I had one small adventure with a girl, I think I already told you about that."

"Yes," Alex says.

"Well, I didn't really enjoy it all that much. So, I guess I'm just straight."

"Alright," Alex says. "I guess you just can't go against your nature, even if you experiment." When we both finish our meal, we go back to sitting in the couch, with a glass of wine in our hands. After some small talk, mainly about our jobs, Alex turns to me. "I really enjoy spending time with you Sara," he says softly.

"That's nice to hear, I guess," I say, gently shrugging my shoulders. Alex puts his hand on my upper arm.

"No really," Alex says. I can almost sense his desire for me rising. "When I'm with you, I can only see you. When I'm not with you, I can only think of you." He leans forward. "You're the only one for me, I promise. I promise you babe." He closes in on me and a second later, before I can even think about a reaction, his lips press against mine. I can feel his tong touching mine. This is a familiar feeling. A feeling I have enjoyed greatly in the past. Alex doesn't hesitate and starts to slide his hand under my shirt, all while kissing me passionately. I gently push him away. A small part in my mind is telling me this is a bad idea, but my body disagrees. There is no strength behind my pushing. Alex removes his shirt, showing me his muscular chest.

"Wait," I say. "I shouldn't..." But the small window he gives me for talking passes when his tong enters my mouth again, and again, and again. Alex starts to lift my shirt. "No, stop...," I say. But my body still seems to have no intention of resisting as he pulls my shirt over my head.

"I want you so much babe," he says while he lowers his pants and underwear. Alex then grabs me by my arms and pushes me on my back. I see his erect penis, and together with his ripped chest in full view, I can't help but notice the tingling at my crotch. "I realized the past days how much I desire you. You are so beautiful. I'm going to take you babe, right here and right now. Please let me." I try to push him away again, but in reality, my hands are just rubbing over his chest. He starts pulling down my skirt.

"Alex, not tonight," I say and I sit back up. One last time I try to resist him. Alex doesn't react to any of my refusals. Instead, he pulls down my panties and takes my arms to push me on my back again. When I can feel his hands going over my legs and arms, caressing my belly and going behind my back to remove my bra. When I can feel his lips touching my neck and breasts. When I feel his erect cock gently pushing against my pussy lips, I too surrender to desire. I surrender to him. I open my legs and close my eyes, focusing on the feeling of his body touching mine. His hands are holding my arms down, his lips touch my breasts, his tongue is going over my nipples. I can feel his thick cock gently sliding in me. What I feel now is his desire for me. And it feels wonderful. The pace of his thrusting slowly quickens, the pounding becomes harder, the panting of the both of us increases. He moves his face to mine and kisses me again. My arms wrap around him. Alex places his head next to mine and lays his full weight on me. I open my eyes and look at the ceiling. For a moment I hate myself. Why am I so easy? He fucked another girl on this couch just days ago. He cheated on me days ago. I just called that girl a slut. How am I different? But that is not the only reason why, for a moment, I dislike myself. Alex moves his body up and places both his hands on my breasts. He starts kneading them violently, but I love the slight pain he gives me. I'm enjoying this. I enjoy how he takes me. I enjoy his dominance and aggressiveness. The way he fucks me, the way he pounds on me shows the pleasure I can provide him with. The moment he sees me, he wants to fuck me. That's the kind of guy he is. Why do I find enjoyment in that fact? How pathetic is that. Have I that little self-esteem? It is as if the more dominant a guy acts, the more submissive I become. I can feel a wave of pleasure coming up, yet right before it happens, Alex stops and pulls out.

"Turn around," he says. I immediately do as he commands. Another possible reaction doesn't even enter my mind. I wait in excitement for the feeling of him entering me. Alex slaps my butt twice and a moment later he enters me again. With one foot on the ground and another knee resting on the couch, he fucks me from behind. "Your pussy feels amazing as always," he says. Alex grabs my hair and pulls my head backwards. "You love getting fucked by me, don't you?" He doesn't expect an answer. I know he says these things for his own enjoyment. "You love feeling my cock." Alex slaps my butt again right before he pushes his cock as deep as he can inside me with one strong thrust. I moan loudly. He moves back and again thrusts himself as deep as possible inside me. My hips shake. For a third time his cock enters me as deep as humanly possible. Fluids start to drip down on my legs. I cannot tell whose. When he pulls out a second later, I can feel his wet dick touching my butt cheeks.

"Aah... Yes," he says. "This was amazing." I don't react, but I agree with him. I turn around and stretch my arms to him. His leans forward and kisses me. Alex puts his arms under me and lifts me up. "Let's go to bed," he says. "I wouldn't mind a second round." I simply nod. How can I do anything else but nod.